Non Speaking Husband

How you responds is dependent on what he says. I think it's important to keep your cool and only answer questions that you can give a rational, short answer to. In other words, don't take any bait.

I guess I am going to disagree about staying in the house. Agreed it's your home too, but I personally would not want to stay there.

You seem like a very nice person to me with a lot to deal with right now.

Im not going for the bait. Im emotional drained. Once I stopped talking then he sends me text messages through the day. Not love spoken ones. Just hi how are you, Hows your day, What are you doing, stuff like that. I have a couple finals coming up and feel like I cant do this anymore.

Here's the update. He has been texting all week. Very basic stuff. He loves me so he says. When I ask about our marriage he says I dont want to talk about it. This is all me because I didnt Pay attention to him. As for now. I will continue to work and complete my degree. I'm trying to gather myself and slowly move on to the next day and be somewhat happy. It has been a difficult month. Im not a bad person. I was thinking of moving and leaving my job because I am in his area where his family and friends are.I have a good city job. Then I decided to stay and try to keep going.
Feedback please.

BINGO!
A little feedback. I am now getting closer to graduating. I was told my husband is insecure about my achievements (dont know why). Again working for the family business and not liking it he feels like he has failed. Because I will have a degree I can go somewhat where I what and he feels stuck.
How does a degree makes your husband flip out and feel insecure??? Please give me some answers!!
We are a team not individuals.

A married man does not have the option of telling his wife to leave the house. It makes no difference that he is paying the mortgage. You have every right in the world to be in that house. It must be very hard to cope with the demands of your master's program, while you are couch surfing.

I very strongly advise that you go see a lawyer immediately. The two of you may be headed for a divorce. That's not the end of the world. But there is an orderly process for bringing a failed marriage to an end. You going wandering from post to pillar is not the way to go about it.

When you leave that house, he can tell a judge that you abandoned the marriage. That can affect the terms of a divorce in ways unfavorable to you. You don't need advice from his relatives. You need legal counsel. Get it.

If he needs to not be with you, that's his problem. Let him be the one to find an alternative place to sleep. Let him be the one to abandon the marriage. It sounds like that is what he wants to do. But he's trying to be clever and minimize any claim you may have to the assets of the marriage, such as the equity in that house.

If I were you, I would stay right there in that house for now. I would tell him to sleep on the couch. If he doesn't want to talk to you, then leave him alone. Just quietly go about your business of finishing school and doing as you have been doing. It sounds like what you have been doing makes a lot of sense.

He's the one who is not making sense. It sounds like he is sorry he got married. Well, that can be changed, but there is a proper way to do it. Never mind this foolishness of you leaving to give him space. If he needs space, let him go for a long walk.

How wonderful that you are soon going to have a master's degree! You sound like a good catch to me. See a lawyer. Do what the lawyer tells you. Understand that a divorce may be necessary. While that will feel sad for awhile, it will mean that eventually you can move on to find a much better soul mate to share your life with. I have a feeling you can do a lot better than this nut you are with. (I'm not mocking any psych disorder he may have. I'm mocking his ridiculous ideas of what he thinks he has a right to put a woman through.)

Your right a married man should never through his wife out of the house. When I left I figured it would be for a couple days not thinking it was going to get this bad. I was couch surfing for a month. I did go back to the house a week ago. Things are ok and yes just ok. I am getting closer to finishing and I have to continue to focus on school.
Last week her told me that the reason his heart is CRUSHED is because I didnt cook all the time, I asked to help do laundry (match the socks), and didnt pay attention to him.
For the past 6 years I have been in college. He would cook about 3-4 times a week and I would cook the other days if we didnt go out to eat. I have a city job that is part time and I also coach at the JC college. This is are busy season and it is my 2nd year.
WHY NOW IS HE DOING THIS? Why complain now he never has before??
My big question is WHY? HE tells me how much he loves me yet is treating me like crap. Who does that? I asked him if he wanted a divorce. His answer is no. Is he trying to control me or manipulate me??
He told me that he dont know If he could ever allow himself to open his heart up to me because I have shattered it to tiny pieces.
Or does he just not like me anymore??

I need another great response from you.

The majority of men still want to be boss, the biggest earner, and in control. Its not PC to say so but it is still true.
I think he feels overtaken, left behind, belittled. He is blaming you for being successful. This puts his failures in stark contrast (in his head) to your achievements. He is blaming you for his own insecurities.
To say its your fault, that you have shattered his heart is emotional blackmail.
Maybe you have outgrown him.
Men dream of the sassy, clever, career woman but in the end cant cope with feeling inadequate up against one.
Unless he can resolve his issues, get therapy maybe? You might need to move on.

Are his family understanding toward you, or do they blame you too?

Are the items I mentioned shattering to someone's heart to the point of divorce? I havent outgrown him. I am busy with two jobs (one ends in April) I coach for a JC College, and my degree. The house is clean and the laundry is done most of the time, I cook but not all the time because he has always enjoyed cooking. At least the last 6 years he has.
From day one of this happening. His family stopped talking to me. His dad and I are completely close (so I thought).

I agree with marmaduke's mention of men still tending to feel they must be earners - some feel it's basic masculinity and others have just been taught this from culture/environment - even if they don't even realize it sometimes, I think. . . .

Bear me with me through this story - I promise there is a reason for it.

My mother and father had both been breadwinners throughout my entire life with neither taking issue making more or less than the other, but when my dad was laid off and couldn't find another job because of industry cutbacks in general, he felt like a complete failure and spiraled into depression, continuing to state he felt he couldn't provide and that he was letting down and failing our entire family... Amidst this, my mother had started her own business and it was taking off, and that was another reminder of the fact he was not working. He had also been the caretaker of his worsening mother's health during this time with no help from his side of the family, feeling crushing responsibility and pressure. When she passed, this obviously added stress and grief. He then went into a stage of being nasty and impatient with just about everyone - everything was wrong unless it was his way. Anything he for which had an opinion was an explosively heated opinion. He'd confront anything, as long as it wasn't the thing that had put him in this state. Although he did not blame anyone per se, he was essentially emotionally abusing the whole family by forcing us to walk on eggshells 24/7, as we feared a backlash and subsequent spoiling of the whole rest of the day. He would say some pretty mean, harsh, tactless, and completely out-of-character things. He very clearly felt worthless & helpless and was trying to control everything else because he couldn't control that which he wanted to most. He would then moan that no one wanted to spend time with him, that it hurt. But, why would we want to at that point? It was full-on depression with the hangings-on of grief, but of course he'd never get professional help - again, upbringing.

After a certain point, tolerance and understanding only go so far - he had abused that support and shifted into feeling sorry for himself and using anything as an excuse to not get back to finding work/improving himself while continuing to lash out - he was being a child allowed to tantrum, and in some ways, that was our fault too. It took my mom basically saying: "I love you, I hate seeing you hurt, but I'm absolutely sick of this, and if something doesn't change on your end, I'm going to have to make some huge ones on my side that affect both of us that you probably won't like. For your own sake, for our marriage, and for your loved ones, you need to get your ***t together - I'm sick of trying to keep from drowning with you when you won't even try to swim, and I need to save myself."

She told him a gentler version of this to begin with, but after things didn't improve at all, she gave a second and last chance with that full punch. I've no doubt that my mother would have left - even with decades of marriage full of love. She is a woman of her word and self-sufficient... and my father knows that. When presented with his options and a verbal spreadsheet (again, twice) of what his behavior was doing to everyone and really looked like, he did make major changes. He began to pick himself up and dust himself off - which we all saw, and were happy to lend a hand to that endeavor. An ungraceful process and a slow one, rising from a fall in mud, especially mud you've sunken into for years (yes, years)...but in the end, he was still standing.

Now, my father is happier than I've seen him in years, since I was a little kid, having found another job (even though lower paying and different than before) made some friends, and gotten back to doing things that he enjoys. ...He is happy with himself again, and it shows. He's even eating better, getting some exercise, and has lost weight! He and my mother are back to being a couple. Also, my mother is enjoying more things after her sink-or-swim decision, and is less reliant on others determining her experiences. If she wants to see a movie and he doesn't feel like it, she goes anyway and has a great time! Even those little, seemingly mundane things have big effects.

...It's being as healthy as you can be.
Per Merrium-Webster - health: the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit; especially: freedom from physical disease or pain; flourishing condition.

The saying that we need to learn to love ourselves before we can love others is no BS, and it applies to so many more emotional acts than just love. Worth, support, joy... It is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. (Others include creamcheese packets in the microwave = unexpected candle, etc.)

But seriously. Does your situation feel healthy right now? Do you consider your condition to be flourishing? I think not. I see everything in your situation that I saw occur in my family, and I do not wish that on anyone.

Livingspaces and commuting aside -
Your husband was upset, you wanted to find out was wrong so you could help. He got upset, and you listened. You've given him space, which is what he asked for; you honored that request and in doing so supported his wishes to catch his breath - after all, we all need to sometimes. You've taken the time to cater to his wishes for the support of him feeling better, even at your detriment, to get to a point ready to discuss what is really wrong and alter things where called for. You gave him love and respected him.

He has not respected you.

In love, we can forgive moments, tolerate the wrongdoing in understanding the effects of the hurt in the individual.

But, as I've stated, tolerance and understanding can only go so far. And, a marriage is give and take.

He has not respected you or given you due consideration for your well-being during a time he knows is difficult (your Master's finalization). He is an adult and your husband, and he is responsible for knowing what his wife is doing. He is not exempt because he is having a hard time himself.

You've given him the support he asked for, and are now asking for discussion of the subject that will begin the repair of what has happened. He refuses to speak about it or offer the notion of its solution.

He blames you but won't talk about the core of what he is accusing you of. How can you feel bad or apologize for something you don't know?

He won't speak of your marriage and so won't repair it, but also does not want a divorce. You're there for him, but where is he?

He feels insecure about and is lashing out and punishing you for your successes because he is disappointed with his own progress and accomplishments rather than discussing it with you. He's having a tantrum because something's not fair, but he is an adult, not a child.

He has gone past that point of understanding and tolerance, and is abusing your support and your love. You've done much, and he will do nothing. He has done nothing during this time but get upset, be inconsiderate, and feel sorry for himself.

You've continued to work and advance your studies, which is fantastic...but you can continue to do other things. He cannot be holding you hostage waiting, let alone under terms he won't describe. How can you provide what he wants when he won't tell you what it is?

...Thing is, he's not a King, and you are in control of you. You don't have to wait on what he wants.

What do you want? It seems like he has been calling all of the shots and you, in trying to be supportive and not make things worse, have complied. But nothing is changing, nothing is getting better. Even worse, he is putting you through an emotional hell throughout, attacking anything so he doesn't have to face the thing he needs to.

It is difficult to be sure, but I think it's time for you to tell him what you and want and what you need. Don't let him take you down with him. If he wants to continue wallowing in his insecurities and feeling sorry for himself, let him. You'll be there when he's ready to stop throwing a tantrum and is ready to be a husband and talk with his wife. ....If that's what you want.

Don't let him walk all over you. Remind him, firmly if needed, that you are his wife and he is not your father. You married him because you wanted him as a husband, and if he's upset and tired of feeling like a father, tell him you're tired of him acting like a father. You didn't grow up and get married to put up with that ***t. It's unacceptable. You're also not his mother, and you don't need to pacify his tantrums.

Someone has to act, and with purpose, and it doesn't look like he's capable of doing that right now. Make the first move, and make it one for your sake.
And if you need help, ask for it. Reach out to his father, reach out to your own family - reach out for support for you.
Take your health in your own hands.

Love your response Redsoft.

Your mother is a strong women. I am trying to save this marriage. I dont think the excuses Im getting is a good enough reason for all this. If it is its been six weeks. How much more am I suppose to take.

I reached out to his father and family. His father told me he was not involved. So I left it alone. I overheard his conversation with his father over the weekend. They plan on leaving tomorrow for 5 days. ( I had no idea) I just overheard the conversation.
He purchased a boat two weeks ago. I had no idea. I came in the house Saturday there was $800.00 of fishing items that was purchased. I made a comment that I was going to buy pjamas. He told me no because they were not a necessity. I am so confused and hurt by all this. This all came out of no where. I have only been back into the house one week. He speaks very little to me.
He said my problems were not cooking all the time, asking him to help fold the laundry, and the house wasn't always clean (it was). Maybe messy but never dirty. He said he was the PERFECT husband but I was not. I took advantage of him because he worked and I went to school and worked only part time. I have been working full time for a few month including working on my degree. My Master is something we discussed together. I planned on stopping when I received my BA but thought if I could get my Masters I could go further.
Does one throw 6 years down the drain for this?
I married to be with him forever not until he felt he can just throw me out or get mad at me. I have talked to him and he refuses to talk. Or he will say. I will let you work at the marriage because I have been the perfect spouse. If you fail its on you. He said he knows the right thing to do is to allow me to try to make it work (Either way I guess it wont be right in his book). Yet when its bed time he has his hands out ready for that and will say I love you. That's the only time he will say it now. He doesnt text me back at all. I feel like a failure in my marriage.
He is only disappointed in me. He says it has nothing to do with the degree.

And yes Redsoft. I would like your feed back please.Thank you.

It sounds like he has a sort of fantasy dream of a wife who will only do his bidding and serve him in "his house." He wants to be a king, own a boat, but not waste money on "unnecessary things."

I'm sorry if this comes out sounding harsh because I don't normally say bad things about people, but your husband is acting like a hypocrite. It takes two to make a marriage work. He can't ask you to do EVERYTHING. I feel anger coursing through me right now for this injustice.

The way things have sounded up until he broke down and accused you of "crushing his heart" have sounded fair and reasonable. Cooking half the days, sharing responsibilities around the house, you were both working. Even working part time and studying part time is considered working! That does not make you any less because your studies are an INVESTMENT so that you can attain a higher-paying job. If you discussed it and he was okay with it in the beginning, then there is no reason for him to all of a sudden change his mind and claim this choice of yours has caused the marriage to fall apart.

He is only saying you crushed his heart to emotionally blackmail you. He is unable to accept the fact that his extremely far-fetched fantasy is no longer going to come true. I do believe he is trying to manipulate you to do his bidding. And no, I don't believe you should have to go through this.

A lot of people have said this before, but he feels like a failure because he is comparing his job at the family business which he despises (failure) to your achievements: almost completing your masters, working full time now AND still studying, able to manage house chores, still able to find a place to live even when he kicked you out of the house.

He wanted to see you fail. He wanted to see your studies screwed up. He wanted to be one up from you. But in spite of everything he has done, you have not faltered and you still stand strong. That to him is a threat. And it is by NO MEANS legitimate. If he truly did love you, he would be happy for your achievements. Not want to sabotage you.

And if what he said about how it has nothing to do with the degree is true (though I highly doubt it)...how could he possibly be disappointed in you when he did not clearly lay out his demands from the get go. You can't let a marriage go on for 6 years, then all of a sudden tell your spouse they failed without explaining in advance the parameters for which they failed by. It should be a constant communication and feedback type of deal.

Many many hugs to you. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I know I definitely would be exhausted from all the emotional stress. *hugs* I'm sorry I don't have a definitive solution for you. But just know that I feel for you, and I don't believe you are a failure at all. You have done so much and you are so so so admirable for remaining strong is such a difficult time.

If he wants you to start doing extreme superwoman housework cleaning cooking studying working and putting up with his lies to his family to cover up his problems rather than deal with them himself... I'm sorry if I sound harsh again, but tell him that is not possible.

He did mention he is the king of the house now. He never said that before. My masters is 22 units and is full time. We did discuss it because he was paying for it. He isnt paying for it now. I has to make ends meet and pay it last month and I'll have to pay it this month.

He's not the king unless you allow him to be the king.

Sorry if I misstated that your masters was part time. That is even more work on your plate then. I'm sorry you have to pay for it yourself now. Masters programs are not cheap!

Going from originally helping you pay for the program to taking that support away, it sounds even more like he is trying to sabotage you and your achievement. That's not to say he should or shouldn't be paying for it. But to me, that gesture would seem like a slap in the face.

And my point about discussing things is... he was okay with you studying for your masters back then, and now he is not. He was okay with the marriage back then, and now he is not. It sounds like he needs to communicate better rather than holding in his thoughts, waiting for it to get worse and then burst and blame it all on you. He can't constantly tell you that you are at fault and making mistakes without telling you what his expectations are.

I'm sorry for typing on a rage earlier, but I thought some of his expectations were too much to ask.

You are amazing. Really. I hope you are able to make your ends meet. (hugs)

You are not a failure, but a person accomplishing quite a lot under dufficult circumstances, with little moral support. Just keep doing what you have been doing in the house, which sounds very fair to me. Get through your semester at school.

This may be a failing marriage. That's okay. Marriages don't always work out the way we hope and plan. You don't have to make a decision on that yet. You might leave that question until you finush this semester and see where you are at. No more leaving the house and sleeping on other people's couches. You stay and do the best you can, for now. You have been the best and most fair wife you knew how to be. Your continuing school was samething you two agreed on. Stick with it. If he is not satisfied with the marriage, then he is free to end it . . . in the proper, legal way. Do not you leave that house again, without seeing a lawyer.

I don't think you really knew this man before you married him. Some people are good at hiding who they are. Actually, we really never know anyone all that well, until we live with them. Now you are learning. Maybe, there is a cultural gap between you. It sounds like you placed a great deal of trust in this man that he may not be worthy of.

I don't know why he is acting this way, but I don't think it has much to do with you. I do not believe that people radically change. He probably was always screwy, and you are just now finding it out. You can not have the good marriage you hoped for with a man who is not too interesred in being a good husband . . . no matter how very hard you try. A man who kicks his wife out and doesn't care where she ends up sleeping is not interested in being a good husband. To me, it is just that simple. He is an immature baby who will not be a good husband to any woman, no matter how much cooking she does. I don't think that therapists can work miracles to change that.

Making a marriage work out well takes hard work from two good people who are devoted to each other's well-being. A bad person, or an immature person can make a marriage last by finding someone stupid who will put up with them. That might be what your husband really wants. So he is testing to see how stupid you are and what craziness you will put up with. His behavior just sounds like head games to me.

Someone achieving what you are achieving has intelligence. Even a very intelligent woman can be made a complete fool, if she will put up with it. So he acts this mean during the day, but turns lovey-dovey at bed time? Come on . . . you weren't born yesterday.

Be glad you are still young. Every woman wants her first marriage to be her final and forever marriage. Sometimes, we have bad luck and have to move on and try again. There are plenty of smart, high earning women who have good marriages to men who cooperate and share the job of cooking meals when that is necessary. Those men are mature. Talk to other women in your master's program who are married. Make some friends with women like that. Learn from them what is possible. And don't go bringing any child into this crazy situation for now. Is your husband American born, while you are not? Are you in a position of dependence with no family of your own nearby, while he has a family support system? Start reading on-line about domestic abuse. (It doesn't always involve a man beating you up.) You say he won't give you permission to buy pajamas? Hmmmm. Sounds like a control freak to me.

Stop looking for support from his father. Who do you think taught your husband his values? Just out of curiosity, how does your father-in-law treat his wife?

I did stop looking for support. After I called and texted. They wouldn't respond so I stopped. I'm really sad that my extended family did this. I've been back for a week. With all that I have on my plate I've been making sure dinner is in the table and that I don't ask for help with folding laundry.
He told me that I'm finally doing everything right and he will think about letting me stay. If not he will let me know to leave. WE lived together for 4 years prior to getting married. Now we have been together for 6 years.
The masters program isn't cheap. He paid for it each month to avoid loans. This was an agreement in 2013. He didn't pay last month and I'm surf he isn't paying month.
The closest family I have is 3 hours away. Where we live he has all his family and friends. He grew up here.

It's not up to him to "let" you stay. This is your home and it is your right to stay. But no need to argue that with him. He wants you to be living under a threat. That's no way to live. Either one of you can dissolve the marriage by pursuing divorce, but no one gets to throw the other out. Read up on marriage law. Civilized people live under a system of law that is there for very good reasons. He'll respect you more, if you respect yourself enough to assume the rights that you have by law.

Figure out how you might finance your schooling, if he should stop making the monthly payments on yout academic program.

I do not say this lightly, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but after reading alllll of that, in your shoes, I would be seriously contemplating filing for divorce.


I agree with the other posters and just wanted to add something I picked up on in one of your responses....


It's you who failed as a wife, he's a perfect husband, so its up to you to fix your marriage????


Definitely seems like he's not interested in staying married, but he wants it to be your fault when it ends, and he wants you to fully accept the blame.


C.o.w.a.r.d


You're an exceptionally strong woman, who deserves so much better.


I read this somewhere:


"We accept the love we think we deserve."


I hope you wake up one day and realize you deserve better, and love yourself enough to pursue it too.


I don't know how you stay sane, I don't By day you're ignored or criticized and by night you're suddenly "loved"...

That's some high school level acting right there.


You know when the bf loves you just till you give it up, then he suddenly forgets your name and number....


So that also speaks volumes regarding his level of maturity.


I would not be having sex with someone who criticized or ignored me by day but expected me to spread it at night.


Ring or no ring.


I just want to reiterate, it takes TWO people to make a marriage work, your husband has blatantly told you that he's already checked out of the marriage, by making it your responsibility.


Hugs to you

Its not behavior of an adult person

I think that he sees you as now very close to not "needing" him any more. He sees you accomplishing your dreams and goals and he is lashing out because it makes him angry that he's not doing the same.

It's true that it's childish behavior and not something to be encouraged by anyone.

I think if you let his behavior continue, then he will think it's working. And if you keep letting him manipulate you into thinking that you are in the wrong, then he will just keep going with the abuse.

If I was in your position, I would not be coerced into going back into the house until he has sorted out some of his problems with a therapist.

If he doesn't go, then you don't go back.

I am so thankful to hear everyone's responses. I now have less than two months left to complete my Masters with a secondary degree. No ones response was belittling or mean. I put the true story out there so that I can see what outsiders think of my situation. I am working toward an opportunity to take both of us and move forward. My husband to has a great job so by receiving my masters im not showing that I'm any better than him. I will be teaching at the college level starting in August. So we would have two good jobs together. I guess it is so hard to comprehend and the timing couldn't of been worse.
Keep the great responses coming. I do appreciate them all.

One question, Why does he want to manipulate me now?

I can only speak from the point of what you have said, so it's all speculation.

He might like the way things are, with him responsible for paying for your education and having that control over you.
That will be ending in a couple of months (from his point of view), and he can't handle that.

I'm not so sure that people who are controlling are able to see the good in an equal relationship.

Ugh, how do those kinds of conversations go down exactly...? The only scenario I have to relate it to in my mind's eye IS a stereotypical King-servant "relationship." I see him scooting in at the head of a set table, tucking a napkin in at his collar, and dismissing you once dinner is before him while lending a backhanded compliment as you go. You cannot let people treat you this way for any reason.

In the moment, sometimes we don't realize how warped things have become, but every other poster here can see this as completely intolerable behavior and so outrageous that it doesn't warrant waiting out anymore. Refresh your perception.

Think back to your former self - the "you" before your entire relationship began. If you told her "In about six years, you'll be married to a man that has you waiting on him to earn his affection - you'll be hovering waiting for him to decide whether you get to stay in your home or not, depending on how well you serve him" ...what would she say? I'm going to take guess that whatever that response would be is where you need to start - the view you need to reset your perspective. Remove your sentimentality from the picture and see this at face value. Look at only the present situation. No matter what happened before this moment, what's happening now is unacceptable. Take back your independence.

It's good that you've reached out through the forum for some outside perspective - two eyes are better than one, and you've gotten the benefit of even more than that. However, you keep asking a couple questions, in so many words: "why?" and "what should I do?"

As for why, there is absolutely no way of knowing, because your husband will not have a productive conversation with you. That is, simply, that. All of us could speculate his motives and feelings for dozens more posts, and you and we will still not know why. At this point, don't waste your energy. Again, look at this situation only at face value and push off from there. Maybe, once you've established a healthy environment (physically AND mentally!) for yourself, it could bear revisiting to begin separate repairs. Now, it is wasteful energy.

What should you do? Absolutely none of us can tell you. We can tell you what our eyes see and help construct a more solid platform to push off from, but to what and for what end, we cannot determine for you.

I return to my original opinion - you need to figure out what you want and what you need to be healthy right now. Reset your perspective, identify the malignancies, and with that determine how to get healthy again.

He is calling the shots right now, determining the direction of things, all while acting like a child, and you're going along with it. You allow it. Would that past "you" trust a child to make decisions for her? He is targeting aspects of your life that grant him more control. Remind him that he doesn't control you - you are an adult and, at this point, maybe the only one in your relationship. Don't let him do these things to you.

He's given you nothing but demands and consequences. What consequences are there for his behavior right now? What reason does he have to stop acting this way? You've let him do everything he wants the way he wants to given whatever whim - why should he stop? Show him the consequences of his actions! Take action against his horrible acts to you!

By no means am I condoning some mission of vindication or revenge. I simply mean the same as I've said before - you need to figure out what you want and what you need to be healthy right now. Reset your perspective, identify the malignancies, and with that determine how to get healthy again. I guarantee that will begin by not standing for his behavior, which will show him the consequences of the mess of actions he's been accumulating.

He treats you like crap, expects dinner, and you still give it to him. If it were me...Oh, ***k no. Why would I want to take care and time making something for him after he's torn me down? He badgers you, then texts you acting like nothing happened, and you go along with it. Adults don't get to walk all over their cake, have it magically recompose, and eat it too.

Again, reach out for help from people that support you . Mind, this means you and whatever decisions you make towards getting healthy again, not just certain ideas. Don't go relying on the friend that just wants nothing else but to see you and your husband be happy back together; do go rely on the friend that wants to see you happy, healthy, and whole, relationship or none.

Knowing only what I've read here, if it were me...
If this means going to family hours away, so be it. I'd refuse to be a hostage in my own home. I'd tell him I was sick of being jerked around and conditionally loved in my own marriage and leave. (You can't fire me - I quit!) Go somewhere loved. Commuting sucks, but I've got to take care of my own. Before packing up (without him around) and telling him I'm leaving, I'd open a new bank account, withdraw plenty of cash from my old account to at least cover commuting's gasoline and wear and tear, some money for essentials to last at least a month, and then deposit to my new private account in case he cancels cards, et cetera. Make sure my work doesn't direct deposit into old account, etc... I'd tell him I was ready to talk like equal adults whenever he was ready, because he clearly isn't, and that I was tired of banging my head against the wall hoping for results. If I needed stuff other than what I'd packed to leave with, I'd just run by the house and grab it. If the locks were changed or he wouldn't let me in, I'd do as another poster said and call a locksmith, or I'd call the police to have him let me in my own damn home. After all, I'd be staying elsewhere for a while, but not "moved out" or divorced. I'd go on living my life without taking his abuse. My only revenge would be succeeding. Time for him to show if he wants things fixed or not. ...But that's me.

You've been torn down, and yes, it's terrible, and it hurts like hell. You need to stabilize and build a foundation for yourself now.

Reset your perspective.
Identify the malignancies.
Start getting healthier, whole.
Figure out what you want.

So, can you answer these?:
What would the past "you" say?
Where do you stand now, in relation to that?
What do you want? When you think of yourself healthy again, what do you see?
What can you do to get there from here?

^^^^^ This, sooo much this ^ what an excellent post!


I agree 150%