Non Speaking Husband

In his mind, he is not in the wrong and he never, never will be. That will not change. All you can change is you. You just have to work around him . . . and ignore whatever is too ridiculous to take seriously. He'll get the message, and he'll give up on some of his extreme stuff, if he sees you pay no attention to it.

You can't wait for him to say, "Okay, you deserve to be treated like a human being." You just have to do what makes sense and blow off what is not fair for you to try to do. He has way more ability to adapt than you might imagine. If you are too tired to cook and you just don't cook, he won't starve. One way, or another, he'll manage to get himself fed, once he gets hungry enough. Leave those socks unsorted, and he'll figure out how to find a matching pair.

But he'll never, ever say, "Yeah, you were right and I was wrong."

I may be repeating myself, please forgive me, but I have no intention of reading through this entire thread to make sure.....

"Don't fix it if it aint broke"

Your husband sees nothing in his behavior that's broken, so in his mind, he has zero fixing to do.

i.e. That stubbornness as you call it, it's going nowhere.
Me i prefer to call it something else, but PC would sensor it.



So you can either accept how things have become or take the steps YOU can take to change them.

This is the thought process that helped me realize I made the right decision in leaving my ex, waiting for him to take the steps that would lead to our relationship improving was like waiting for hell to freeze over while pigs fly around sprinkling happy pixie dust everywhere.

You can only adjust your behavior, your reactions, and bending to his will may very well keep your marriage together, but it most certainly will break your spirit in the process.

As mentioned in the previous post, it comes down to what YOU accept within your marriage.

Your right. In his mind he thinks he's right in every matter that has gone wrong. I see that. I've been waiting for an "I'm sorry" I was wrong. That isn't going to happen either. Your so right. I get home late (9-10pm)a couple times a week and he has managed to eat ( I make sure there is left overs).
Thank you so much Rose 76.

You're still trying to analyze the "why" behind his behaviors...this will get you no where but an angrier and more frustrated and confused place.

I go back to the main question of my last post, and one others now have asked too, yet you have not seemed to give hint as to your perspective - What do you want?

You keep spinning your wheels in the same muddy ditch without getting out on your own two legs. You're just making things muddier for yourself by continuing to ask why why why while spinning in the same spot.

What do YOU want?

That's what I am doing. I have been cooking but other than that my everyday schedule remains the same. I cant cater to him there is not enough time during the day for that. Especially with what I have going on. I love the responses but yours just seem to hit home. Big stubborn BABY!!

I want to make attempt to save the marriage. If I tried and it doesnt work at least I can walk away and say I tried with no regrets.
I guess I was looking for someone to say he has some sort of mental disorder. I couldnt grasp the "I ruined everything" because of not having dinner seven days a week.

My t says that it is pointless to try understanding why others do what they do, we might never get an answer, all we should know why WE do what we do

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You want us, people who have never met your husband, diagnose him with disorder?
Even if we were doctors we wouldn't diagnose someone we don't know.

Not every bad husband has mental disorder. You keep saying he was never like that. Sure he was. No good husband buys a house by himself on his name only and makes his wife sign her rights off. He was always bad. It is just more obvious now.

He isn't stubborn. He is just a bad partner. Doesn't strike me as mental disorder. It takes lots of clarity to make a purchase of the house and convince his wife to have her name off the house. People who do that don't anticipate to stay in marriage forever.

You seem to be the only one who wants to save this. He long checked out. That's why he bought a house for himself then kicked you out and now treats you bad. Nothing to do with cooking





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^^^^ That yes, exactly that, all of it.

I had to go back and reread what you posted in attempts to understand.

First you said he kicked you out because he is tired of paying all bills. Then it was because you don't cook. First you said you pay all bills besides mortgage then you stated you pay very little, you said you keep two part time jobs. Since you have no credit card and no car and don't pay for school what happens with money from two jobs? I am not saying you are lying it just seems you don't know what's going on in your own home!

Now was it necessary to quit job while getting masters? I always maintained my full time job while getting masters. My daughter is in masters program and works full time. If she quit her job her husband wouldn't be able to support them both. Did you ever discuss him supporting you? Was it your decision?his? Both?

You said he is tired of feeling like your father not husband. I am not excusing him he is a bad partner but you do come across as very young or perhaps coming from culture where women have no voice? Even you signing your rights off sounds like something either very submissive women do or very young?

You don't sound as a grown woman who is almost done with graduate degree. You do sound as younger girl fully dependent on her man ( I don't mean just money wise) is that what he is referring to feeling as your father?

Also if you have no time for anything and have no money why THREE dogs?

Why are two of you married? You seem to not benefit from it with the exception of him paying bills and you doing laundry etc I don't understand what's the value of this marriage, he is gone on
The weekends not communicating you were gone he wouldn't even answer the phone. Why are you trying to save something that is kind of non existent?

What's your degree in?


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At first he did say he kicked me out because he paid the bills (mortgage & tuition). I from day one have paid the small bills electric, gas, cables, etc....We have no other bills at all. Yes because he pays the two bills above that's when he mentioned that he is like a father. If I didn't work we would be financially fine. He wanted me to quit my job because he didn't like the hours. I was getting off at 7pm. I took it upon myself to get another job. One of my part time job is coaching at a college. This job is approximately four months. Degree is in Kinesiology, with a secondary in teaching.
As time went on he said he kicked me out because I did not provide a hot meal on the table when he got off work. I do take full responsibility for signing the papers regarding the house. All my fault for not asking.
He claims he's still mad because of the dinners not being cooked seven days a week. That's the reason he is giving me.

So you blame yourself for signing a paper but do not blame your husband buying a house for himself and asking you to give up your rights for it? Is this ok with you? You are upset over this cooking business yet you aren't upset over house ordeal. You paying utilities yet none of it is yours.

Did you ask him why he wants your name off the house?

And you quit your job just because he didn't like the hours you worked. It doesn't make sense. That's why he kind of is like a father of a little girl not a husband of a grown woman.

Were you raised to obey men?

Where do you think this marriage going? Do you plan on having kids? In that house? That is solely his? And him kicking you out? And not even knowing where you went? You know that good husbands don't throw wives out and wives don't just leave and couch hop with the dog. Not happening

You don't think you can have better than this? You deserve a better life than that. What do your parents say?

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I have not read through this entire thread, but it sounds to me like husband has his eye on another.

I had a conversation with him about the house. He was completely shocked that I knew. Asked how I found out. It really didn't matter how I found out. I blame myself for that.
I'm not upset over the cooking more shocked that his excuse is the cooking. He said he makes more money and should be taken care of. Yes, I quit the job because he didn't like the hours. He liked me home with him. Not because I looked at him as my father. My father wouldn't have told me to quit my job. He would of said do what you want to do. He wanted me home with him when he was home.
My parents are very equal in their marriage. They both speak their mind.
My mom said to leave him and my dad said divorce him after the third day of being out of the house.
Kids? He wanted me to get pregnant in December. NO!! I said no. Once again he got mad. I have to finish school and get grounded with a job first. He asked when I finish my degree if I would stay home, not work, and just take care of him. I worked to hard to stay home. I wont do that.

He wanted me to get pregnant in December. I told him NO!! Well, he wasn't happy. I want to finish school first. Get a job, not while I am pregnant.

You want to think long and hard about what you would be bringing a child into. Sounds like you've got a child on your hands, right now. Want a bet that he won't be jealous of another child taking your attention?

Oh, but he's the one who wanted the baby. So that would guarantee his positive attitude toward the needs of a small child? Don't you believe that for one minute. Logical consistency is not something he feels any obligation to maintain.

This whole wife duties thing, reminds me of my cat playing with a mouse just before he eats it...


The house is on his name, and he purposely set out to make you believe it was yours too.


He asked you to quit a job when he didn't like the hours, and 7pm isn't even unreasonable...


He wanted a baby, knowing you're completing your masters, when that didn't work, he stopped paying for it, when that didn't work, he kicked you out.


And much to his benefit, you returned all submissive and willing to do whatever he wanted.


He is exercising his control at every turn, attempting to trap you in unemployment and premature motherhood, then blaming you for everything that goes wrong, to make you dance to his tune....


Hate to break it to you, but your husband is displaying all the traits of my ex bf, who was an abusive butthole.


For 5 years I didn't know he was grooming me to suffer his abuse, I quit the jobs, spent more time with him, behaved in a more domesticated manner, even dyed my hair black and kept it straightened because it was what he preferred...


The end of year 6, when he realized my independence was going nowhere no matter how much I entertained his whims, he mistook me for a punching bag.


I hope to God I'm wrong, I do.

When I got married I set down the set of rules & expectations that I had for the marriage (I was getting my degree & aiming for a career)....so I was in NO WAY going to be his slave.....marriage is a partnership...not JUST the husband working & bringing in money & the wife doing everything else (along with her career.

The crap about you not cooking dinner is just BS......I'm sure the week of your turning your back was because of something that he did also.....so he's not the one that in reality has the problem with you....you are the one that has the problem with him & his ways in the marriage.

Honestly, I don't know why you are wasting your time with him especially if he's not willing to go through intensive marriage counseling with a GOOD marriage counselor.

We just used my T for counseling both of us together not exactly marriage counseling.....sadly they didn't find out what was wrong with my H....just Dx'ed him with adult ADD.....looking back....I have researched Asperger's & that explains my marriage 100%.

I am sorry that I stuck around him for the 33 years. the first 20 & had college & my career that I hid out in...but when my career died, & I had to be around home because there were no engineering positions even available in the area.....I realized just how bad it REALLY WAS & it drove me to suicide attempts not for attention but because I felt it was my only way out. I'm glad that I wasn't successful now that I escaped.....but honestly.....I would stop making the decision be his to get the divorce....just file for it....if he doesn't want it then he needs to be the one that is willing to change & make the marriage work......I wouldn't waste my time with a guy like him honestly.....he's keeping you hanging around because he might not have anyone else or anything better right now & having problems with his job.....but that's NO excuse to make you miserable....he's being a selfish child & honestly you don't need to be married to someone like that....you are wasting your time & energy because it's only going to get worse unless he really wants to change.

Sometimes the hit over the head with filing for divorce is a wake up call...sometimes it's not. My H actually had the nerve to comment that he thought I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives.......I realize now that if I hadn't gotten out when I did, I would NOT be alive now.....why in the world would I want to tolerate that for the rest of my life just because I had for 33 years because in all reality, I realize that the things I left because of were the things that were the problem I had seen before I got married.

You need to take a stand & stop allowing yourself to continue to be treated in the way he's treating you....laying the blame for the marriage problem on you when in REALITY.....the fault is his.....you really want to stay in a marriage with a man that isn't even man enough to take responsibility for his behavior & feelings?........you know if he does get his act together later on in life & HE PROVES that he has.....there is nothing stopping getting married again....but don't waste your life NOW with someone like that. Even being alone is better than dealing with that kind of crap & a lot less stressful trying to finish your degree

Yup. Or just simply wants out of this marriage

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Even your parents told you to get divorced. Start your exit plan. And again he isn't stubborn. In fact I think you are. He directly let you know he isn't staying with for life that is why he bought a house for himself and treats you badly. It is all clear. You are stubbornly insist it is about done cooking hot meals and that he had mental disorder and you want to save this. There is nothing to save. Pack your stuff and be gone and file for divorce

He isn't the one to get his stuff together, he has his stuff together! He has 5 bedroom house all for himself he has a good time by himself or who knows who with on weekends he works, he enjoys himself. You have to get YOUR life together

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Ok, so you grew up with parents that were equal to each other and considered each other.
You most likely want that for yourself too.

Everything I am reading is more about "his needs" and not yours, and he want's control, could be why he is also not happy at work too, again, no control. He is "all" about himself, and you are not seeing it, you are also wondering if it is "your fault". If he doesn't get "his" way, he disguards and blames others.

Warning, some guys want their wife to get pregnant as a way to trap them or tie them down so they have more control over the wife. However, this is bad because then they see the baby as competition too, when all they really wanted is to control the wife. This is not good at all, not anything you would ever want to have a child with as he is saying to you that if he doesn't have it "his" way, then you are out. That can lead to a divorce, and, the child becomes the victim, with this ongoing battle for control and blaming.

You are only 24, you have plenty of time to think about children, you need to have "yourself" together "first". It is clear to every poster here that your husband wants all the control, that is not good for "you". Keep in mind, people are posting here to you with more life experience, some learned the hard way and can see "the red flags" that you are wondering if "you" are doing something wrong or contemplating giving in somehow.

If you were with him for 6 years then you were 18 when you started. I assume he was your first serious relationship. I wonder how it went with you getting undergrad degree. Did he pay for it? Since you have no bills you don't have student loans correct? So someone paid for your school?

And how did you manage to work full time while full time at school and at some point you even said you supported him? (since at 24 you already finishing masters you had to be done on time with undergrad degree). The whole story is just confusing

If you could finish undergrad on time while working full time and then enroll in grad school you are very capable of managing your life very well without him

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When I was 18 I left to college and had my own apartment. He moved in with me. He didnt have a job but had money that he had saved from his previous job. He was able to save because he lived at home. My parents paid for my degree up to BA. Last year he took (we discussed this) the payments. He paid for eight payments and when I attended in the summer my parents paid for three months. No student loans, and I will be 25 in a couple of months.

Oh I know that. With all his changed behavior I would not bring a child into the world with him. He's a big baby, insecure,and its all my fault. He cant be a father. He gets mad at me I could only imagine what he would do with his child. I made plans and Im out for the weekend with friends. Left early this morning and will be back late Sunday night. I will not have any contact with him for the weekend. He can cook like he use to and hopefully clean, and wash his work clothes. Let's not forget the dogs. They need to be walked. He mentioned to me he wants me to welcome him home everyday with a hug and kiss when he walks in the door (because he works at such a stressful job) Leave it to Beaver? . He's no brain surgeon. My gosh.

No baby. I need to get my career started and stable before that thought crosses my mind. If the baby makes him mad, do we both get kicked out? No. Ill pass.