Non Speaking Husband

I had to laugh that he is no brain surgeon lol you are funny. I think you got involved with him too young so time to get uninvolved, take care of yourself

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No child from me. I have much going on to think about that chapter. I totally agree that if he thinks I don't give him enough attention now. What would happen when a newborn comes. Double the pacifiers.

Yeah, if he finds you hard to tolerate, I can just imagine how little patience he would have with a messy, crying baby. Then you'll have to negotiate who pays for the diapers and who buys the toys and who pays for a sitter once in a while.

Yeah, you need to get established in your career. Having a baby can mean a loss of income from your discontinuing a job, or reducing hours. With him whining about how much he hates his job, I wouldn't want to be too financially dependent on him.

I'll bet, during that 6 month period when you supported him in the beginning, that he was real nice around the house.

Mark my words: That job of his is what is most troubling him, and he's just throwing up a smokescreen about being dissatisfied with you. Things are going to get worse for him at that workplace. Those people, father-in-law and co-workers, are going to be less tolerant than you've been. His conflict with them will only escalate. As it does, he'll become a less and less pleasant person to live with.

Women talk about "saving a marriage" like it was a person. I'm not saying that you should leave him. That's really something only you can determine. But, if you stay, don't do it for the sake of "The Marriage," like that's a 3rd party whose welfare has to be considered. If you stay, do so because you honestly believe that is what will be best for you and any future children you may have. Or do so because you honestly believe that this guy means so much to you that you truly don't want to lose him, despite all his faults. Otherwise, cut your losses. You make decisions based on what is good for people, not what is good for some institution.

Some marriages ought to be dissolved. I can't tell you that yours should be. Only you will determine that. Just don't go thinking that keeping "The Marriage" going at all costs makes you some kind of a hero . . . or makes you virtuous. Divorce is also a worthy plan of action, depending on circumstances. A good and virtuous person thinks about all that must be considered and carefully looks at ALL options, then makes a mature choice . . . not based on youthful pipe dreams.

If you chose to stay with him, consider the downside of that and come up with your plan for how you are going to handle that downside.

I didn't think getting off at 7 was bad. He didn't like being home without me. I thought because we were newlyweds.

This here is true. He wanted a baby, knowing you're completing your masters, when that didn't work, he stopped paying for it, when that didn't work, he kicked you out.
I left this morning to see a friend for the weekend. He's having a couple friends over for tonight then they leave for a class tomorrow. I was going to stay and make dinner for them. Then decided not to. He was sad that I wasn't at least staying tonight then leaving tomorrow when he did. No ma'am. I'm gone and will return Sunday night sometime.
Yesterday, I visited a friend. I didn't respond to a text message right away and I got another and another. He wanted to know where I was (it was about 930pm). I told him and he started calling. The minute I begin to ignore him he was texting and calling. Amazing how the tables are turning. I will not text or call him this weekend. If he calls me I will answer when I feel the need to. Let's see how he likes it.

That sounds like a game. It never solves anything

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No. Im not playing a game. Its amazing how he wants me home by a certain time and when I don't answer he blows up the phone. Well, I just happen to walk in the door, put the phone down, and started to feed the dogs. Because I didn't answer the phone right away he kept calling.

You ignoring him in order to get more attention or demonstrate to him how it feels being ignored. It is tempting to act this way with a partner when he hurt you, but it never works in a long run.

You said you want to save your marriage yet now you are gone for the weekend same way he does and won't communicate exactly the way he does.

You know that normally married couple do not spend the entire weekends apart in their friends houses.? I don't blame you for that if you plan on leaving as he is a jerk but not if you want to save your marriage!

And why are you stay married to a man you do not respect? You indirectly called him dumb. Sure it was funny but you don't refer to your spouse this way. Why stay married to man you think is dumb?

What kind of marriage is this

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He has class all day tomorrow about an hour away. So he will be gone from 8-7 then will stay there and fish until Sunday afternoon. The last time he went fishing he didn't wants to be talking on the phone. So if I don't text or call he'll be fine. I'm not going to bother him.

[QUOTE=Seeyalater;4378320]He has class all day tomorrow about an hour away. So he will be gone from 8-7 then will stay there and fish until Sunday afternoon. The last time he went fishing he didn't wants to be talking on the phone. So if I don't text or call he'll be fine. I'm not going to bother him.[/

Do you ever go anything together as a couple?

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Again it is all about him. What he wants. Now he doesn't want to be bothered while fishing. There is nothing about you (you singular and you plural) in this marriage, you only concern yourself with what he wants. It is sad

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Yes. That's why I left for the weekend. It's all about him. He's still not over the fact that I didn't have dinner on the table seven says a week.

You still think it is about you not cooking diner. Looks like Everyone else gave up because you aren't listening. I kept at it. I am giving up now too

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Seeya, One of you has to be the adult in the room, and you're the best hope for assuming that role. But to do that you've got to distinguish between the smoke-and-mirrors and the real substance of difficulties. Stop saying your husband is upset because you didn't cook 7 nights a week. Saying that makes you sound clueless. Anyone following your story has figured out by now that your husband has serious maturity/emotional issues that have nothing to do with who cooks what when. He throws that out as a "red herring," a distraction from the real problems. You need to read between the lines of all he has told, especially regarding his job. He's not capable of telling you what the real problems are. He just knows that he's miserable.

Stop taking things at face value. If you do, then you are acting like a daughter, not a wife. Look past the surface and get some insight.

I know he is having issues. I just stated why he wouldn't be around for the weekend (in his mind).

You are also the one having issues....YOU are allowing him to behave the way he's behaving with you....you haven't drawn the line & let him know that you aren't going to take it any longer & YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH.....you are just rolling over & playing dead & not even standing up for yourself.....& you are just accepting his excuses not striking back at all the crap he's making you deal with.....STOP DEALING WITH IT & TAKE A STAND for yourself.

When I first got married my H really got into his sarcasm & was putting me down & thinking he was funny. At first, I decided to give it back to him...like if he didn't like it done to him he would quit....but what happened was that I hated what it was making me into.....so I told him that if he didn't stop the sarcasm....he could get out & stay out because I wasn't going to continue to live like that. He decided that he would change after a conversation.....it took a year of constantly reminding him of what he was doing before he finally broke that habit.....the problem with it was that I had total lack of respect for him......& that reflected in all the miserable 33 years I stayed around him. The misery never got better, it continued to get worse.....

Why in the world are you taking his crap & not taking a stand for yourself....it's like your own self-confidence is lacking somewhere in the picture because no women should ever take that kind of crap from their H's that you are dealing with.

Nope.

Cooking has nothing to with it neither in reality nor in his mind either.

In his mind he checked out of this marriage the day he bought a house on his name only. People who do not plan on sticking around do that to protect themselves in divorce.

He is not home on the weekends because he doesn't want to be home. Sorry you appear clueless and stubborn, you just keep saying same thing, no insight or paying attention at all. I know 24 is young but you sound and act childish.

I know I said I'll give up on this, hard to lose hope that you'll wake up

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Your husband wants it to be the year 1965. He expects you to be a stay at home wife, with a child, totally dependant on him. Greet him at the door with a martini, have dinner on the table and sit in awe as he describes his day.

Shows like "The **** Van Dyke show" early episodes of "Mad Men" or even the "Flintstones" come to mind.

He is living in a fantasy world. A world that you are helping to maintain.

Why does he treat you the way he does?

Because he can.

IF you truly want the situation to change, then YOU must change the way you react to his actions.

Being submissive only invites more abuse (and you are being abused, btw).

Countering immature behaviour with your own immaturity solves nothing.

I would suggest you consider divorce, but part of me suspects you like the drama this relationship brings you. I mean, why else would you stay, let alone go back to him?

I don't think that's an issue (him wanting old fashioned marriage) .

He is upset he is the only one paying bills and he is like a father to her not a husband. If he wanted a submissive not working wife then he would have different complains. He is a jerk but op sounds as a child with no voice of her own.

He is miserable in this marriage and wants out but has no guts to get out so he is preparing gradually buying the house for himself staying out of the house on the weekends etc

I am sorry I know it is not what op wants to hear but this marriage is not going to last. Instead of spending time figuring out why is he doing what he is doing or coming up with ideas how to make him be nice, I would start thinking of what I am doing and what I want and plan accordingly.

You already got screwed by contributing to a house that is his, what else are you waiting for? He is building a case here of getting out if this with little loss (he stopped paying for school and doesn't want to support you)

Start your exit

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No. I don't think its because I didn't cook. I seen it half way through are conversations. I was stating what he is continuing to tell me it is. Yes. I do understand what has been told to me and I have. When people have continued to ask I tell them what he tells me.

People are asking why you are putting up with him not why he does what he does or what he says. At this point your well -being is a concern not what he says or does

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No the house is not paid for. He put a large amount down but also has a large balance due. There is equity in the house from the time of perchase but not a large amount at all.
I did speak to a lawyer. I can get half of the equity from the date of purchase but not the down payment.
He is still so shocked that I found out about the house. He claims that the title company recommended that he secure his money. Title companies dont request anyone to watch out for their money.

I put up with it for a while (about a month). I did do some of the things he asked for. I turned the tables and took off for the weekend. Had a great time with the girls (only girls). I was able to clear my mind and it felt good. I also coach and I'm gone 2-3 days a week and sometimes weekends. So I'm not sitting there catering to him.
When I came home he was the perfect gentlemen. He cooked dinner like he had in the past. While we were having dinner, he asked a million questions about where I went and what I did. I originally told him I was going to a friends place
(he knows her). It was just a girls weekend.
He stayed home and took care of the two dogs.

Good for you! That's looking out for your interests, which only you can do for you. Knowledge is power.

Keep up your connections with people outside the marriage. Never let yourself get trapped into only being with him.

When you finish your academic program and start working full-time on your career, I think it will become clearer to you what you need to do about your marriage. Only you can decide. Just be sure and protect yourself, as you go along. Seeing a lawyer was a good start.

In the very beginning I did think it was about the dinner and laundry. I put my story out there to get feedback from outsiders looking in. I had a feeling his problems were emotional, angry, blame (me), controlling (my job that I quit), and his job that he hates. Almost like a child (tantrum). The "Poor Me". I read everyone's comments and I have sat back and observed his actions. He told his mom, dad, and one friend that I made him feel "worthless". "Poor me". He cant accept any responsibilities. That is a big problem. Lack of communication. He stated it was his job but this week he hasn't complained once about the hated job. He has a lot of issues and I cant help him no more. He has to do it and the first thing he needs to do is get himself another job.
I took off for the weekend for a girls weekend. Nothing much just fun, dinner, laying on the beach, clearing my mind (my turn). I came back Sunday evening. I felt good, my mind was clear and I was happy. I didn't contact him. He sent me a message on Saturday stating he was doing chores around the house. I replied with great. I gave him space.
He cooked dinner and it was nice. I was working on the computer he asked for me to stand so he can hug and give me a kiss. The evening was good, we talked, and he asked a bunch of questions where I went, what did I do, etc....Again it was just a girls weekend (we all need it). During the time of us being together I had a girls night or weekend once every three to four months.
I have less that four weeks to finish my masters and like I said before I keep really busy with school, work, and coaching. He doesn't like that I'm not home at times but its my job and I'm not quitting. I didn't go to school all these years to be a housewife so I'm not changing it now or for him.
Im doing a lot better and am moving on. Like I said four weeks to go and I am done!! He can sit and point the finger and someone else.

[quote=Seeyalater;4386048]

In the very beginning I did think it was about the dinner and laundry. I put my story out there to get feedback from outsiders looking in. I had a feeling his problems were emotional, angry, blame (me), controlling (my job that I quit), and his job that he hates. Almost like a child (tantrum). The "Poor Me". I read everyone's comments and I have sat back and observed his actions. He told his mom, dad, and one friend that I made him feel "worthless". "Poor me". He cant accept any responsibilities. That is a big problem. Lack of communication. He stated it was his job but this week he hasn't complained once about the hated job. He has a lot of issues and I cant help him no more. He has to do it and the first thing he needs to do is get himself another job.
I took off for the weekend for a girls weekend. Nothing much just fun, dinner, laying on the beach, clearing my mind (my turn). I came back Sunday evening. I felt good, my mind was clear and I was happy. I didn't contact him. He sent me a message on Saturday stating he was doing chores around the house. I replied with great. I gave him space.
He cooked dinner and it was nice. I was working on the computer he asked for me to stand so he can hug and give me a kiss. The evening was good, we talked, and he asked a bunch of questions where I went, what did I do, etc....Again it was just a girls weekend (we all need it). During the time of us being together I had a girls night or weekend once every three to four months.
I have less that four weeks to finish my masters and like I said before I keep really busy with school, work, and coaching. He doesn't like that I'm not home at times but its my job and I'm not quitting. I didn't go to school all these years to be a housewife so I'm not changing it now or for him.
Im doing a lot better and am moving on. Like I said four weeks to go and I am done!! He can sit and point the finger at someone else.