What The Hell Is Wrong with MEN!!!!!!GRRRRR!

So the other night my........... I guess boyfriend............. and I were talking, and he was telling me all these nice things, and then he said, "well, I guess I'll have to tell the next gf that........(nice things about me that she would have to compare to......)." I was crushed, to say the least. Why would he say something like that? We were talking about his ex's all night, he seems to reflect on them a lot. I can't reach him yet to talk about it.......not at his comp.......but I truely feel hurt. He tells me that he cares more about me than any other girl he's been with, and that I frighten him because apparently I am too perfect, his words, not mine, and that he's afraid that either something is really really wrong with me, or if we broke up, the hurt it would cause. I don't get it. If you feel this way about someone, why would you say such things? Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. Thanks! <font color="#008800"> </font>

Speaking from a guys perspective, we have a tendency to blurt things out without actually thinking them through. My guess he was only make a joke, that to him seemed funny, but to you was hurtful. Talk to him about it. I've done it before, and the problem was solved by having my ex-girlfriend confront me about it and talking it through.

Oh, sweetie. Try not to overanalyze and get too upset. Guys just blurt things out without thinking. That was probably his idea of a joke.

I'll tell you some things guys who were in love with me have said to me... when they were TRYING to be complimentary, NOT insulting:

"Of all the women I've been with, you have the biggest arse."

"You have boys' knees."

"Your body's perfect... from the waist up."

"You're just stocky like your dad."

"You need a tan on your boobs."

"Wow! You have really prominent eye teeth... like a vampire."

Men will be men. They don't always think before they speak, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you. Just because your boyfriend said what he said, it doesn't mean he's thinking about a NEXT girlfriend. That was probably his idea of a clever one-liner.

I will never again be with a man who emotionally abuses me in this kind of way again. I believe that they know what they are doing, even if it is at a subliminal level. And I believe it is a kind of cruelty.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
I will never again be with a man who emotionally abuses me in this kind of way again. I believe that they know what they are doing, even if it is at a subliminal level. And I believe it is a kind of cruelty.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I always believed it was just because I went for guys who talked too much... because they would seem SHOCKED and kind of wounded when I said I was upset. They weren't emotionally abusive guys, but I'm sure some guys do use those kinds of veiled insults to inflict emotional pain.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
greenpunkergirl said:
So the other night my........... I guess boyfriend............. and I were talking, and he was telling me all these nice things, and then he said, "well, I guess I'll have to tell the next gf that........(nice things about me that she would have to compare to......)." I was crushed, to say the least. Why would he say something like that? We were talking about his ex's all night, he seems to reflect on them a lot. I can't reach him yet to talk about it.......not at his comp.......but I truely feel hurt. He tells me that he cares more about me than any other girl he's been with, and that I frighten him because apparently I am too perfect, his words, not mine, and that he's afraid that either something is really really wrong with me, or if we broke up, the hurt it would cause. I don't get it. If you feel this way about someone, why would you say such things? Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. Thanks! <font color="#008800"> </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I actually think what he said to you was really rude.

Perhaps his way to 'keep you on your toes'? Some men like to think that they still have the ability to control women emotionally through not ever really letting them feel secure in the relationship. I have had friends go through this, myself to a small extent.

It's like a variable reinforcement schedule - giving you positive reinforcement about the status of the relationship sometimes, and negative responses or neutral responses other times.

This often creates a stronger behaviour pattern because you never know when you're next going to be positively reinforced so you tend to try harder.

Not comparing you to training a rat in psychology experiments or anything but it's kinda a behaviorism principle in general - albeit very crudely explained.

You have every right to be upset, but you probably should try and give him a rational reaction rather than an emo one. Don't give him the satisfaction of being really upset.

Good luck ...

oh well - i think he is an a$$hole - to discuss ex's to your present girlfriend means he has no regard for ur feelings whatsoever. and like DSF says - he just wants to get an reaction out of you...dont give him that satisfaction...be blasé about....

and dont give him the same treatment - that will give him even more ammo

he might be trying to make you jealous by talking about other women. or he might be trying to persuade you that he is clearly desirable to the opposite sex so you better hold on to him. he might have been trying to make you laugh by cracking a joke. he might have been...

i really don't think it is helpful to make generalisations of the form:

'what is wrong with men'
or
'what is wrong with women'
or whatever

because... any answer you are likely to receive will be unfairly overgeneralised and hence false for the majority of men (or women) in the world.

if you want to know what is up with him...

why not ask him?

he might not have realised that he was talking about the other girls a lot. if you had have said (or say if it happens again) 'do you realise that you talk about past girlfriends a lot' then i guess you could see whether he was aware of it or not. he might not know precisely why he was doing that... but if you tell him how he is behaving so he is aware of it and you tell him how it makes you feel then he might be able to refrain from doing it quite so much in future.

I agree, alexandra. I don't think it's safe to jump to conclusions about this guy -- based on one comment he made. If it turns out to be part of a pattern of behaviour where he's trying to make greenpunkergirl feel bad... being a manipulator or passive aggressive, that's one thing. If it was just a misguided joke, that's something else entirely. I'm so damn sarcastic and I open my mouth before I think all the time... and often think I'm funny... and sometimes other people don't agree with me. I know I've made remarks that I meant to be funny and they ended up being hurtful instead... and when it was pointed out to me, I felt bad and I apologized. I sometimes forget that some people are more sensitive than I am. I can dish it out and I can take it, but some people (like my sis) are more fragile and I so I have learned to respect that.

I have a tendency to ramble on about ex-boyfriends when I'm with current boyfriends... and I never mean any disrespect or intend to cause jealousy by doing it. I don't go into details about sex life or anything like that, but some of the relationships I have had have been defining in my life and the names of exes come up in conversation... because they were my companion when I went interesting places or when interesting things happened. They're a part of my life. I also talk a whole lot, so EVERYTHING comes up in conversation.

As for the generalizations about men and women... It reminds me of when I was living with my ex-boyfriend. My friends were always talking about "Grrrrr men!!! They're insensitive and they don't communicate their feelings!" I remember sitting there, having nothing to contribute, thinking, "Hmmm... my boyfriend is MORE sensitive than I am and sometimes I wish he would just STOP talking about his feelings... enough already!"

So, it comes down to individuals. Regardless of our gender, we're all individuals with our own quirks and our own imperfections. Can guys be total a**holes? Absolutely! So can women! I know I've been one on more than occasion. There may be certain tendencies that are more common in one gender than another, but I think that broad generalizations are dangerous and drawing conclusions about a person's intentions and character based on very little information is premature... and could turn out to be way off-base.

I guess I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, until they prove me wrong.

I see the 2 points about generalizations. You're right I was just in a bad mood, but I still feel awful about the incident, no matter how much he tries to make up for it. I know he is sorry, he seems to be an awesome guy, and I feel awful that I feel badly still about what he said. Bt there are some things that concern me. He does talk about the sexual aspects of his former gfs, they may have been lousy lays, but that means that if I am bad, he'll know...........and maybe it would affect the relationship. I dunno, maybe it's just me and my insecurities.

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he discusses his sexual relationships with ex-girlfriends? It is obviously bothering you and making you feel bad. If you tell him that it bothers you and he continues doing it, he is being disrespectful to you. IMO, it's also disrespectful to those former girlfriends. Personally, I like it when a guy shows more respect than that for women in general. Have you had a frank discussion with him about how you're feeling about all of this?

kinda, he is trying to make it up to me, but I dunno........it still kinda finds it's way into convos........and all I feel I can do is be a good friend and listen. If he needs to vent, I don't want to discourage him... yet at the same time, when he has emo moments, it hurts like no tomorrow..... I just don't know what to do, he says the sweetest things one could ever hope to hear, then acts like a douche. ugh.

not meaning to man bash, been married 31 yrs. all men have a tendancy to be teenagers when dating

Umm ... if I'm with a current boyfriend I don't bring up my exes except if it's in a very casual friends context (I am friends with a lot of exes because I tend to believe that if you're with someone you are with them for a reason and you don't need to lose the whole relationship after a romantic breakup).

But I would never make comparisons. That is disrespectful.

Going on about 'Oh my ex did this', no matter how you mean it, can be perceived in crap ways. I just think it's the wrong way to reference past relationships.

Nothing wrong with telling each other about your former partners, but IMO it needs to be within a set context, not throwing random comments around.

It always unsettles the other person, no matter how you mean it.

Just IMO.