[MattPerry35]

Hi,

I know this scenario has been covered plenty of times. My scenario is a little different.

I was a virgin when I met my wife and she had been with 6 guys. We met at the age of 18.

As much as I wish she had waited to have sex I am not really concerned with this although it bothered me quite a bit in our early years.

We have now been married for 16 years.

The last person that she had sex with before me was a "cousin". He is not of blood relation but her uncle married his mom. This incident happened before she knew me. There were drugs and stupid teenagers involved. It was a one night incident however she brought him to completion 3 times in that night so it wasn't like a "we got carried away" thing. While I am a little uncomfortable about this I have still reached a point where I do not have a problem with the fact that she had sex before me. Shortly after we were married her uncle and this woman had divorced and her uncle moved on to marry another woman.

I had met this guy a couple of times and always got a strange look/vibe from him. I didn't like the way he looked at me when he interacted with my wife. It bothered me how eager my wife was to see and socialize with him and act like they were family but I realized that there were going to be times when this would happen.

In 2008 her uncle passed away. Her first reaction was to call this cousin and his brothers and offer them our house to stay in before she consulted me. When she told me I tried to be reasonable and say it was not a problem. The closer it got to him coming to my house the more uncomfortable I became. I asked my wife if he could not come to our house. I realized that he was going to and should be able to be at the funeral but I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring him into our house. We got in a lot of arguments over this. She started justifying them having sex. "We didn't do anything wrong", "we were young and dumb", "we were so high", "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything", " there was no intimacy", "it was before I even knew who you were", "he was younger than me and on worse drugs", "we both had rough childhoods". She constantly told me she was fighting for his justice. While all of these things are true I still did not believe he should be allowed in our home. Is this wrong?

When the time came he had other relatives to stay with but he was still going to come by for a visit. I then asked my wife if I could take our son and go somewhere else while this was happening. She told me know. I shouldn't have a problem with this. So I stayed. When he got there I watched him and my wife exchange a hug. While they were hugging he was looking at me and smiling. He did have his wife and kid with him. While my wife was playing with his daughter on the floor I saw him repeatedly leaning over to get a good look down my wife's shirt. When they hugged good bye same look and same smile. I stayed quite because of the delicacy of the death of my wife's uncle who was a great man.

This all happened in CA. We relocated to GA a few years later. I hit a rough patch with depression and thoughts of her letting this cousin into our house started coming up and bothering me. I started therapy and told my wife about the way this guy looked at me and looked down her shirt and that if the scenario came up again he would not be allowed in my house. She got upset. "It is not fair to treat him poorly", "I would hurt my other family members feelings by excluding and alienating him". Then she reminded me again of all of the reasons it was OK that they had sex and it was no big deal. I then reminded her that he is not a good person as he still does drugs and he also tried to have sex with her sister and another cousin. To me this was unacceptable. She explained how she was guilty for that because she said it was OK for them to have sex. Is this correct thinking? It does not seem right to me.

Here we are 2015 and we just relocated to PA. I am hitting a depression again and these feelings are coming back AGAIN. We are going to couples therapy but I don't know what to expect. Our first session is in a few days. This has all been very rough and different for me as sex is a big deal to me and an important part of our relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I really think that he is not a good person. I have told her that she can have a relationship with him but I can not be involved or know about it. It bothers me that she wants to give him attention and let him know he is part of her family. I don't want him to be part of mine. Please help me understand.

[MattPerry35]

Hmmmm.....Maybe I should have titled this something else?????

Just looking for some clarity.

Am I insane for not wanting this person in my house?

[JJBX]

Well, here is my opinion on the matter as a woman who can understand maybe where your wife is coming from (and as a married person who did a lot of couple's counseling to go through issues of inscurity)... She is probably kind of embarrassed about the fling and maybe even regrets it. She probably does want a familial relationship with this cousin and hates to think that her allowing things to go too far will forever create tension. I totally get that. She might not feel this way, I'm just offering it up as a possibility based on how I might feel in a similar situation.

What your wife really needs to do is acknowledge those feelings if she has them or talk about it with you. I think what you're hoping to see is a sign that she has absolutely no feelings for that cousin at all. It would make you feel like there are no sexual rivals that you have to beat out for her affections. You might be feeling a little insecure just because you might be perceiving him as a sort of rival in a way. I think you should acknowledge those feelings too.

It would mean a lot to state her case that there are no feelings for this cousin if she DOES exclude him. He is not a core family member, therefore, dispensible. I know that sounds kind of mean, but it is what it is. He just isn't all that important in any scheme of things and it would be perfectly fine for him to be excluded from events hosted by your household. Your wife does need to understand that sex DID happen and that if she wants you to feel safe and secure in the relationship, she needs to make a concession in this case. It would be very different if she just had a male friend who was married and there had never any kind of romantic or sexual relationship.

My husband's best friend is a female who is married. They had the same major in college, worked at the same place previously, but there was never any kind of attraction there and I believe it. They never went on a date, they never spent the night together, and almost all events included either me and/or whoever she was dating. Though I was a little insecure about his previous girlfriend, because those boundaries were there with his female friend, I never felt insecure about her.

So, I think a lot of this insecurity can be resolved through just establishing some kind of boundary and open dialogue. Your wife ignoring it isn't going to make your feelings just disappear. If anything, her ignoring them will only fuel that fear that the cousin really IS your rival. She needs to be just a little more proactive.

[toolman65]

Ewww!

ex lover and family member? Creepy.

She has given her feelings a higher priority than yours.

She doesn't want to feel guilty about excluding him. She doesn't want to explain to other family members why he is being excluded. That would be awkward. She wants to avoid any bad feelings. So, she takes it out on you. She isn't "fighting for his justice", she is trying to distance herself from her actions and the consequences.

Ultimately, he is the ex and you are the husband. She is more concerned with making him feel welcome than making you feel secure and valued. You are totally justified in feeling threatened. Not only by his smug behaviour, but also by her trivializing your objections.

[MattPerry35]

Thank you for the responses

JJBX - I agree with your opinion. While I do have insecurities and I do not like that she had sex with this person I have never had a problem with her hanging out with men. I don't even have a problem with het hanging out with this guy. I hsve told her she can have what ever relationship she wants with bim but I do not want to know about it. My biggest problem is the guy is a diry bag. I do not want him as part of my life. He tried to hsve sex witj my wife's sister and her other cousin. The creepy way he looks at me. I've seen him looking down my wife's shirt. He is not someone I need to associate with. It bothers me thst my wife thinks I shouldn't have a problem with this and she has told me that because I do it cheapens our relationship and what we have. I think the opposite of this. Why isshe angry that I don't like this person or that they had sex? I get so confused.

Toolman65 -
I agree with what you said as well. The only problem is the whole family knows according to my wife. There a few problems I have with this as well but I will have to wait until I am at a computer and not my phone.

Originally Posted by MattPerry35

Hmmmm.....Maybe I should have titled this something else?????

Just looking for some clarity.

Am I insane for not wanting this person in my house?

Dude, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to be concerned about this guy. I wouldn't trust him one damn bit.

I dunno what it is with women not understanding the fact that men see other men as threats, especially when there is a complicated history behind this guy.

I'm sorry to say that I think you're in a very tough situation. In the ideal world, where divorces would be as easy as saying "Goodbye", I would explain things to the wife and take off. Sounds like a radical solution, and I'm not suggesting you do this, but that's what I would do.

No matter how much you love your wife and how special she is, you don't deserve having to put up with this guy, and your wife really should know better.

I realize, obviously, that the fact that you have a child with her really complicates matters even more. Divorces can be tough on little ones.

Playing devil's advocate, looking on the other side of things, what is the likelihood of your wife cheating on you with this guy ? And, how intrusive is he in your relationship ? If not much, perhaps you could just settle for the fact that, even though this guy is someone you despise, he poses no realistic threat.

I don't know the details, so I can't say how much of a threat he is. I think your wife's body language when around him will be the biggest indicator of this. This entirely depends on your wife. If she lets that guy in, he'll march on in. If not, maybe you can just live with it ?

Regardless, I know that this is a $#!tty situation and I would be very much concerned too. I wish you the best, pal.

[JJBX]

I think you need to tell your wife that it's very important for her to be open about this conversation. I wouldn't like him either if I were in your shoes. Maybe he isn't looking at you funny. Maybe he wasn't actually looking down her shirt. But that relationship still existed and you have just as much right to feel comfortable in your home as she does. She would not like you bringing over a woman who she felt was shamelessly flirting with you in her house, would she? If she is the kind of person who is actually ok with that, then you just need to press the whole issue of being compassionate and understanding.

Somehow, I just don't believe that everyone in the family knows that they had sex as teens. Why would they know that? It begs the question - did she or he actually go out of their way to TELL them? That just gives me more reason why he should be excluded from things. That's a very strange dynamic. It's not asking too much to say that he should not be invited into your house. It really isn't. If she perceives that to be an issue, then I can't help but think that there are feelings that she isn't sharing (like, maybe she is really ashamed of it or maybe she enjoys those memories?) I definitely don't think this is one of those things you can say "oh no big deal" and expect it to disappear. It really needs to be addressed in a caring and compassionate way.

[JJBX]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Dude, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to be concerned about this guy. I wouldn't trust him one damn bit.

I dunno what it is with women not understanding the fact that men see other men as threats, especially when there is a complicated history behind this guy.

Ok, woman here who already touched on how a man could perceive him as a threat. And wow, I would not recommend that anyone immediately leave their spouse and escalate an argument that can be resolved through open dialogue. That is what would be considered emotional blackmail as you are trying to FORCE your partner to accept your opinion by threatening to end the relationship. That is NOT the way a healthy relationship works. It is a fantastic way to convince your partner that you really are out of your mind with jealousy and that they were right to put their foot down. The truth is that the only way to convince your partner that your needs are legitimate is by TALKING it out. My husband and I used to use these kind of bone-headed tactics against each other and we were MISERABLE. It was after couple's therapy that we learned that being honest and sincere about our feelings and needs was the best and only way to make sure you are both happy, understood, and secure in the relationship. If you actually use these tactics, I would strongly encourage you to rethink the way you handle conflict with your partner. It simply is not a good way to have a disagreement when you both feel misunderstood.

Originally Posted by JJBX

And wow, I would not recommend that anyone immediately leave their spouse and escalate an argument that can be resolved through open dialogue ... The truth is that the only way to convince your partner that your needs are legitimate is by TALKING it out.

I think you misunderstood what I said, or maybe I didn't phrase it right. Yes, of course, I would definitely talk it out first. I would never recommend walking out right away without trying to talk it out. But, from the OPs post, I got the impression that he has already tried this several times, and that this has been going on for quite a while. And that she doesn't seem to get the message. Hence, my suggestion to leave her for good. I never meant to imply blackmailing her ... that's stupid. I would never do that. My point was more along the lines of ... Ok, I've tried talking it through, she's not going to change. I'm outta here, for the sake of my own sanity and health. We only live once, and you cannot get hung up on one person, no matter how special, no matter what. That's how I see it.

Originally Posted by JJBX

If you actually use these tactics, I would strongly encourage you to rethink the way you handle conflict with your partner. It simply is not a good way to have a disagreement when you both feel misunderstood.

I appreciate your advice, and it is very good advice. I don't employ "these tactics" because I never get a chance to employ anything I date, on average, less than one day a calendar year. I dated my last "girlfriend" more than four years ago

I definitely agree with you that calm and candid conversation is the best way to resolve conflict. However, my point still stands - one cannot expect others to change, one cannot waste their life waiting for someone else to change. We live only once. Try your best to make it work, but if it doesn't, get outta there and move on ... or die trying

[MattPerry35]

JJBX -

I am pretty sure that her family does know. I do not like this part of her family dynamic.

Unfortunately for me I am someone who values sex as something important and special. Her family is not. They view sex as a recreational occurrence. She has told me on numerous occasions that since this happened before she knew who I was I should not have any issue with it. I know for a fact that her Uncle found out about this and reprimanded the step cousin. When my wife found out she was so upset and wanted to call him and tell him that she did not "rat him out". This is another problem I have but she is an adult and I am not her master/keeper. I do not really have an issue with the fact that she had sex before me but I am never going to be a huge fan of the fact that she did.

My biggest points of confusion are as follows:

Why does this person deserve so much consideration and my boundary for my own emotional well being is disregarded and "wrong".

Why is sex not a big deal?

This guy is a dirt bag. Why do I need to have contact with him? I do not want to be involved with any of that side of the family in all reality but on the rare occasions that I do I do not want to treat this guy like my family.

Why would I not have a problem seeing her hug him and tell him that she loves him?

How does me having a problem with this guy diminish or belittle what me and my wife have? (she has said this, I think the opposite)

[Bill3]

It seems that the feelings you have about this guy recur in connection with your depression. When you are nor depressed, how much does he cross your mind?

How often has your wife seen him since 2008?

[ChipperMonkey]

Take away the fact that this dirt bag is "sorta/kinda/no longer" family. (He's not, right, b/c the uncle divorced his mom before he died?)

Would I be ok with my partner bringing a woman he ***** many years ago into MY house?!?!? HELLS to the N-O! That is disrespectful and I wouldn't put up with it! So they're not blood. She STILL ****** her cousin! That's like saying its OK for adopted siblings to sleep with one another! Uhm, nope, not socially acceptable!

I'd say play hard ball and start bringing around old flames of yours....but she was your first. Still, can you bring around old flames of yours (even though you didn't go all the way) and give her a dose of her own medicine? She can't say that she doesn't like it! (Ok, a bit spiteful, but she's kinda disgusting if she defends going three rounds with a cousin.....ewwwwww.)

[MattPerry35]

Bill3 -

This is the hardest for me to deal with when I am in a state of depression. Unfortunately for me there are photo's of his family members hanging on my walls and a few photo albums in my dining room with him in them which makes it a little difficult not to think about. Most of the time the thoughts are just a passing and I move on but when I am in this state I seem to focus on them. Also when I am in this state my wife thinks that this is my only problem and the reason I am depressed. This thinking is false. This causes her to withdraw from me physically and emotionally. That in turn makes my depression worse. It is a vicious cycle it seems.

She has not seen him since 2008. His brother is getting married next year. My wife brought this subject up and was upset with me saying she felt like she couldn't go. I told her I am fine with her or all of us going but if there is going to be a time when we will be socializing with this guy or that side of the family I will take the kids and go do something else. She doesn't like this. For my emotional well being and the fact that this guy is a dirt bag with the looks he gives and his attitude I think this is fair.

Chipper Monkey -

I wish I could do that but that is not my personality. I still love my wife and just wish she would respect my boundary. I do not agree with the way she thinks about the sex that her and this cousin shared and I am pretty sure the reason she wants it to be OK is because she probably feels shame. Yeah, I do get tired of hearing all of the justifications and reasons why it was OK though and it does make me a little disappointed in my wife that she so desperately wants it to be OK. I don't know. I am almost ready to throw in the towel.

[MattPerry35]

Update:

We have been to counseling a few times now. One of the major issues that has come up was the fact that I really have a hard time dealing with the physical touching (hugging) and the "I love you" that she tells this guy which in turn he tells her. She has stated in the counseling that the only reason she did this was because she was dealing with the trauma of her uncle passing away. She also stated that she did not realize that I was asking for him not to be in our house because of this same trauma.

I am having a hard time believing this. She had enough presence of mind that she had no problem telling me that my feelings on this subject are "wrong". We just had sex and that was nothing wrong (which I kind of agree with but the cousin thing is a little difficult for me). We were young and high and I didn't know you existed (I agree with this as well but hard to leave the past in the past if he is in your house hugging your wife). I even had to go as far to buy the book "The Love Dare" and read and complete the tasks because she was so disappointed in me and my reaction.

I am starting to feel some resentment.

She has also stopped having sex with me because of my depression. First she said that it was because I was shutting down emotionally after sex and that was hurting her feelings and now it is because she doesn't feel emotionally safe due to my emotional state reminding her of her bipolar mom and sister. It has been close to 3 months.

We have discussed this in therapy as well. She says she is doing everything else and if all I want is a sex doll I can get that from anyone. Yet she says the sex that we have is so much different than the sex she had with her cousin (feelings, openness and the love we have for each other). This is the connection that I want. Not just a sex doll.

If I don't close of my feelings from her she says she can't handle the emotional rollercoaster. I am at a loss. I open up she is scared, I close off her feelings are hurt. I am not physically are mentally abusing her but my emotions and irritability are heightened. I am depressed and will get over this and my feelings will eventually even out, I know this for certain.

How do I stop these feelings of resentment?

Why is she not emotionally safe? (We have been married 16 years and I hope I have shown her that she is safe with me).

Why does she not see that I don't want a sex doll but a loving, intimate relationship with my wife?

Is asking for her patience and support through this depression unfair because of her childhood?

Don't' know what to do. Any help/advice is appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

[toolman65]

I think the best thing you can do is continue with therapy....ALONE.

Based solely upon her actions (denial, discounting, etc.) i have to say that your wife is acting in a totally self centered, immature manner. Telling you that that your feelings are "wrong", refusing to have sex because suddenly, after 16 years, your emotional state reminds her of her family and she no longer feels "safe".....no wonder you feel depressed and resentful.

Her actions are contradictory. She claims it was a drunken, one night stand, yet she goes out of her way to make this guy feel welcome, IN YOUR HOME. Something just doesn't add up.

[avlady]

toolman65 said it all. it is not your fault, she needs to grow up!!!

[Me and my dog]

As I read your post, I tried putting myself in your situation. Kudos to you, I would most likely be in jail for assault at a minimum if I had that to deal with. Everyone in this forum has a trigger... you seem to be married to yours. Stay strong and ALWAYS put the health and well-being of you and your children first.

[MattPerry35]

Thank you for the replies. The support and understanding is a great help.

[MattPerry35]

Update:

Still no sex........ In counseling this week and now the reason is because I am speaking to here rudely/like I don't like her.

This is the third reason. 1st was that I was shutting off emotionally after sex. 2nd was that I was attacking her emotionally because I was turning everything into an argument. I am curious what the 4th will be.

This is getting out of control.

Please tell/advise me what you think about my following rant:

This relationship is starting to feel very one sided. I think it may have always been that way. I can remember a time when she found some letters from a girl that I used to have a crush on (we kissed one time I think). She was furious. She made me throw them out and wanted to know why I wanted to keep them. I didn't want to keep them, in fact I had forgotten I had them. So we threw them out and I don't care. Fast forward to Christmas 2014 I was looking for Christmas ornaments and opened a plastic bin. There were some folders and papers in it. One page was sticking out so I started to read it. It was a page from her journal from when she was younger talking about how she couldn't stop thinking about this guy she had sex with. I went through a few more pages and found a lot of references to another guy she had sex with and thought she was in love with. I stopped after about 5 pages because I didn't want to find any more and it is her business. I am confused as to why she wants to hold on to these memories though. She has always stated that she hates her past and actually told me she went through her journal and got rid of all of the past thing involving this subject and burned them to help her process the past. But she can't handle me having letters from a girl I had a crush on? Seems a bit hypocritical.

So here I am going through a depression and she has turned it into me being the enemy. I suppose I should have known this would be this way. The last time I went through a depression she had the same reaction. She has always been the type of person that gets mad at me for being upset with her. Then I always feel like I need to make her feel better, so I end up apologizing to her and everything gets better.

Last night I called her to tell her I was on my way home. She said that I sounded better. I told her that I had actually had a really hard day. She said that I was at least handling it better and that was what she cared about. I got home after having to go to the grocery store and having a real frustrating time and I am not in the best mood. I was not being mean I was just not being talkative. She then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't like her right now I should just leave until I like her again. I am tired of being the enemy. How about a hug and telling me I'm sorry you had a rough day. I am frustrated.

We are going to this counseling and it seems that the sex subject comes up a lot. She continues to get angry about this and repeatedly say that all I want is the physical act of sex. She is just a sex doll. Yet she continues to say (as well as all women I assume) that the sex between us is so different and special compared to any sex she has had before. Is this only when it convenient for her or when she wants it? If I was the one withholding she would be livid. I know because I tried that once. It did not turn out well. We are supposed to be taking steps to restore our intimate relationship but it seems that I am the only one putting in effort while she continues to say things like " if I can go a whole week without crying then maybe we can be intimate". Once again, everything on her terms.

Wow, sorry for the long post.

Should I write the relationship off as over?

I don't know if I will even be comfortable with having sex with her once she is ready, although I really want to. At this point is it even emotional for me?

We have more counseling this Sunday. I think if our intimate relationship isn't restored I may ask for a separation. Is this too extreme?

I'm tired of just being co-parents as opposed to husband and wife. I can't have any emotions other than happy and willing to do whatever it takes to please her. Or so it seems to me.

Thanks.

[Open Eyes]

((MP35)), I am sorry you are challenged with this, I can understand why it upsets you and I don't think you are being irrational about it either. You love your wife, the intimacy you share with her is important to you. It is reasonable that having someone around that she was intimate with in her past would be uncomfortable, especially given this other guy is a dirt bag, it can be confusing to think your wife would ever consider being intimate with someone like that and would give him hugs and "I love you's" at gatherings. She says she did not "love" him way back when, says it did not mean anything, and here she is embracing him with those words in the present, so in a way she is still pursuing him in some way. That is hard for a person whom "love and sex" are what comes together the way you see it and that she could have sex without that kind of sacred bond and in a way still has no problem talking about it that way. I think that can be taken that to her "sex" is not connected to "love" even now. Then she goes on to say that "she was the one who took advantage and this guy was younger". Again, was she not the one who offered "him" a place to stay at her home? Again expecting this not to "bother" you?

She does not see this as a threat because "she" had iniciated it in the past and was "in control". She also doesn't have a problem being around this guy because "still" she is in "control". She is not seeing this guy checking her out either because she always had the "control". I think what bothers you about this relationship is that what you see now is that this guy would be willing "if" your wife again wanted to have it take place. So, this is not really about trusting this guy, but "trusting your wife". And because she is not being intimate with you right now, it is proving that she is and always has been the one "in control". And how you feel about this is you are seeing her in a different light where what is important "to her" is what rules in her relationships. She is not really thinking about "how others feel" but more about how "she" feels. So, what she is not doing with you is "empathizing" about how "you feel" and in a relationship, that is important.

The ability to "empathize" with one's partner is recognizing how "both are equal" instead of one partner taking the power over. Yes, if having this guy around is something that makes you uncomfortable, then your wife should "respect" that, however, instead she goes with what "she" feels comfortable with and expects you to accept that.

I think that her not being intimate with you means she feels you are judging her about what happened long ago. It forces her to question herself in a way she doesn't like. She could be doubting your love for her based on something in her past that happened before you that she cannot change. She is not understanding that it is her actions in the now that is upsetting you by insisting on embracing this person the way she has. She can't "control" that so she doesn't like it.

This is a deep misunderstanding of personal boundaries and respect for those boundaries where "both" partners make decisions based on how their significant other may be uncomfortable.

[Confusedinomicon]

If sex comes up in therapy, stop the conversation and try to redirect it. I get that you want to have a physical interaction with your wife but if you feel like emotional intimacy is as an important component of the experience, then the physical act should not be a vocal point in your sessions. It sucks that its not there, but she needs to understand this fact of how you view the relationship.

That kind of intimacy can't come back after a session.

If you feel so much resentment towards her that you feel like you can't continue the relationship then you need to be honest and tell her. If you want to work towards resolving this and desire her companionship then tell her that. I think both of you need to be honest about your intentions. If she starts throwing up ultimatums and timelines for this to "resolve" itself you may want to seek out your own therapist to help you process the emotions and give you the added strength to make the best decision for yourself, your wife and your children. It is not good to make decisions when you're feeling really emotional.

Open eyes has a really good post to think about too. It's spot on.

[likewater]

The cousin should definitely not be part of your marriage. Also, to be devil's advocate here, the way women are wired is they want sex when they feel safe, sexy, wanted, loved, cherished and valued. That doesn't sound like the situation right now. To complicate things more, you mention past trauma in your wife's life/family. That can also lead to some MAJOR intimacy issues and make sex very complicated when it's a complicated subject already! It sounds like you both could benefit from I statements so you fight fair. Maybe you can communicate with love rather than battling and trying to win or be right. So the way it works is you say , "when you do or say BLANK feel BLANK because BLANK." Also, give each other one sincere, genuine compliment each day. That works wonders. In my opinion, continue with the counseling together if you value your marriage and you may also both benefit from individual counseling as well. The cousin needs to give you two space to work on your marriage and should not live with you.

[MattPerry35]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((MP35)), I am sorry you are challenged with this, I can understand why it upsets you and I don't think you are being irrational about it either. You love your wife, the intimacy you share with her is important to you. It is reasonable that having someone around that she was intimate with in her past would be uncomfortable, especially given this other guy is a dirt bag, it can be confusing to think your wife would ever consider being intimate with someone like that and would give him hugs and "I love you's" at gatherings. She says she did not "love" him way back when, says it did not mean anything, and here she is embracing him with those words in the present, so in a way she is still pursuing him in some way. That is hard for a person whom "love and sex" are what comes together the way you see it and that she could have sex without that kind of sacred bond and in a way still has no problem talking about it that way. I think that can be taken that to her "sex" is not connected to "love" even now. Then she goes on to say that "she was the one who took advantage and this guy was younger". Again, was she not the one who offered "him" a place to stay at her home? Again expecting this not to "bother" you?

She does not see this as a threat because "she" had iniciated it in the past and was "in control". She also doesn't have a problem being around this guy because "still" she is in "control". She is not seeing this guy checking her out either because she always had the "control". I think what bothers you about this relationship is that what you see now is that this guy would be willing "if" your wife again wanted to have it take place. So, this is not really about trusting this guy, but "trusting your wife". And because she is not being intimate with you right now, it is proving that she is and always has been the one "in control". And how you feel about this is you are seeing her in a different light where what is important "to her" is what rules in her relationships. She is not really thinking about "how others feel" but more about how "she" feels. So, what she is not doing with you is "empathizing" about how "you feel" and in a relationship, that is important.

The ability to "empathize" with one's partner is recognizing how "both are equal" instead of one partner taking the power over. Yes, if having this guy around is something that makes you uncomfortable, then your wife should "respect" that, however, instead she goes with what "she" feels comfortable with and expects you to accept that.

I think that her not being intimate with you means she feels you are judging her about what happened long ago. It forces her to question herself in a way she doesn't like. She could be doubting your love for her based on something in her past that happened before you that she cannot change. She is not understanding that it is her actions in the now that is upsetting you by insisting on embracing this person the way she has. She can't "control" that so she doesn't like it.

This is a deep misunderstanding of personal boundaries and respect for those boundaries where "both" partners make decisions based on how their significant other may be uncomfortable.

Thank you for the reply.

I agree. She did have a very dysfunctional family/childhood. She was molested once by a step father at a young age. I am thinking this could be one of the reasons why she feels responsible for the step cousin. I also think this may be why the familial boundary was crossed.

I do however believe that it was this step cousins job to protect her not give her drugs and in my opinion take advantage of a stoned, hurting girl. Call me old fashioned.

She tries to justify the "I love you" by comparing it to how I feel about one of my best friends. The difference for me is that while my friend may be an a-hole he was always there to protect and stop me from making the wrong decisions when I was intoxicated and me for him, without question or fail.

It does make me uncomfortable to see her treat the step cousin as family. I really am trying to be understanding and compassionate but I think she needs some individual counseling. Unfortunately she does appear to be very resilient and well grounded for what she has been through (I see this as well as therapist). When it comes down to it though I still see some lingering effects due to the fact that she always has to be in control.

I feel horrible but I am starting to feel taken advantage of. I don't know if I have anymore in me. I am sad. I hope this gets resolved soon. I do not want to be without her but sometimes feel like I am bad for her emotional wellbeing when I am depressed.

Just don't know how to proceed from here. Should I ask for separation? Is 3 months too soon to make that decision? I don't know. I do know I love her.

[MattPerry35]

Originally Posted by likewater

The cousin should definitely not be part of your marriage. Also, to be devil's advocate here, the way women are wired is they want sex when they feel safe, sexy, wanted, loved, cherished and valued. That doesn't sound like the situation right now. To complicate things more, you mention past trauma in your wife's life/family. That can also lead to some MAJOR intimacy issues and make sex very complicated when it's a complicated subject already! It sounds like you both could benefit from I statements so you fight fair. Maybe you can communicate with love rather than battling and trying to win or be right. So the way it works is you say , "when you do or say BLANK feel BLANK because BLANK." Also, give each other one sincere, genuine compliment each day. That works wonders. In my opinion, continue with the counseling together if you value your marriage and you may also both benefit from individual counseling as well. The cousin needs to give you two space to work on your marriage and should not live with you.

Thank you. I agree that she needs to feel safe and deserves to. I just get confused since we have been married for 16 years as to how she would feel unsafe with me. As far as I know I have never given her reason not to and even when we are fighting or upset we have always maintained a healthy sex life. I am just really confused and hurt by this. I don't know if that makes me a bad person because I place so much value on our intimate relationship. My wife likes to tell me it is unhealthy. Maybe it is, I don't know. I do value our marriage. I don't want it to end. It just feels like I am the only one putting in the effort. Cleaning the kitchen to take some load off of her. Baking her a cake that she has really been wanting. Taking the 2 year old when I get home because he is a monster (a super cute monster) and she needs some relief. She does say thank you for these things. I guess that is good. I will try to make sure I compliment her at least once a day. Thank you for that. We are also practicing "when you do or say BLANK feel BLANK because BLANK."
Thank you.

[Open Eyes]

If you do know you love her than don't do a separation. That is my opinion. Marriages go through rough spots, work this out with her.