[12Username34]

My father has spoken about my mental illness to people he has met in his line of work (not the medical or psychological field or anything to do with mental health). I first found out he was doing this when he suggested a treatment provider that someone had recommended to him for me after he described my mental illness to them. I then asked him to stop discussing my mental illness with third parties without my permission. I said it was a boundry that people with mental illness have a right to set. He got angry and claimed he was right to do it because he was trying to help me by getting an opinion from this person.

Now years later, I have overheard him doing it again. He was discussing my mental illness with someone whom I know would have absolutely no valuable input to provide on the matter. I objected, saying that I was within my reasonable rights to not want to be talked about behind my back. He got angry again, told me to "lighten up", and said that I was exhibiting a weakness. He bizarrely tried to defend himself by admitting that he talks about me to people without my knowledge all the time (even after I asked him to stop years ago). He said that it doesn't matter because these people don't know me.

Is he right? Obviously I can't control what he does. But I would imagine that any doctor/therapist/counselor would say that what he is doing is wrong and a breach of trust and privacy. Doesn't his insistence that he has every right to discuss my mental illness without my consent and that I need to just suck it up if I don't like it show that he doesn't know much about mental illness in the first place?

[IrisBloom]

Hello

Speaking as a parent, I assume your father is concerned about you and is trying to help in the only way he knows how. There are laws about protecting medical information, you and he might want to look into those.

[brainhi]

If your father is talking to others about his concerns or if he is looking for support for himself, I believe it should be in strict confidence. How is this information getting back to you. That would upset me greatly as well.

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by brainhi

If your father is talking to others about his concerns or if he is looking for support for himself, I believe it should be in strict confidence. How is this information getting back to you. That would upset me greatly as well.

I've overheard it. I heard him describing embarrassing aspects of my mental illness to someone I actually do know and interact with. But this person is not a friend of my father's, only someone he works with, and they certainly have no wealth of knowledge about mental health issues. My father wasn't asking for advice- he was just blabbing and revealing things about me. I'm now incredibly embarrassed to be around this person. Up until today I had no idea that they were so "in the loop" regarding my mental illness. I feel exposed and violated.

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Hello

Speaking as a parent, I assume your father is concerned about you and is trying to help in the only way he knows how. There are laws about protecting medical information, you and he might want to look into those.

He's not even seeking advice. He's just throwing personal details about my mental illness out there. I hate it. How do I tell him how much it bothers me without him telling me that I'm overreacting? I tried explaining the first time that people with mental illness often don't want third parties to know about their mental illness, and that their boundaries should be respected. But it clearly meant nothing to him because he has kept on doing it for years since.

I myself would feel betrayed and it seems that you are as well. I don't blame you. Our parents have no rights to do as they please in opposition to what we they know our wishes are.

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I myself would feel betrayed and it seems that you are as well. I don't blame you. Our parents have no rights to do as they please in opposition to what we they know our wishes are.

After I asked him to stop talking about me behind my back the first time, I don't think he ever promised to stop. I think he just assumed that he knew it didn't matter regardless of how uncomfortable it made me, and he kept on doing it. He's extremely arrogant- he will never accept that other people know more than him in certain areas, and he reacts angrily if you try to tell suggest that he might be wrong. Combine that with an overall cluelessness about mental illness and he's bound to do some destructive things.

How do I show him that he needs to stop? He's extremely stubborn and is now angry with me for objecting to him talking about me again. He says that he's going to keep doing it and that I need to get over it. I can't get over it and since it's my mental illness, not his, I don't think I need to. I feel like a mental health professional could tell him in plain terms that he should stop and he wouldn't listen.

[brainhi]

Is it possible that he attend a session with you and your mental health professional? Sometimes when they hear from someone that is not attached (a professional) to the family - it has more power. If your father refuses to do this - then you do what is best for you. If it were my father - I would refuse to see him because he is crossing a HUGE line by sharing your information about your struggles.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure it also hurts that your father will not show more respect for you. I hope you are getting support for this issue.

[divine1966]

I have a very difficult emotionally abusive father. No matter what he will do what he wants. My t says it is ok to avoid him and limit my interactions with him

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[hvert]

Can you limit the amount of information you share with him? That sounds like a very difficult position for you to be in. I don't think there is anyway to make him stop gossiping if he's so intent on doing it despite knowing how you feel. It's really too bad that he doesn't take your concerns seriously.

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by hvert

Can you limit the amount of information you share with him? That sounds like a very difficult position for you to be in. I don't think there is anyway to make him stop gossiping if he's so intent on doing it despite knowing how you feel. It's really too bad that he doesn't take your concerns seriously.

I already greatly limit the amount of information I share with him. He thinks he gets it because he can observe that I have mental illness. But he knows next to nothing about the reasons for my illness because I have deliberately told him next to nothing about it (a lot of it has to do with my childhood experiences with him). He shares his observations regarding my mental health with people who have no ability to provide any constructive advice whatsoever. There's no good reason for it and I want it to stop.

[Raindropvampire]

Is it right? No. Is it ok? No. Should he respect your wishes? Absolutely. But you can't control him or what he says, only your reaction to it. My mother loves to tell ANYONE that will listen about her crazy daughter and the hell I put her through. She often embellishes the story and leaves out any part that is not flattering to her. It used to drive me bat crap. Which then gave her more gossip about how I try to control what she says about me and how mean I am. SO since I can't change her I changed my reaction. I decided in the long run it's just words. Anyone that even remotely knows me knows it's all BS and taken out of context. If her life is so empty she has to gossip about me to feel better than so be it. If she has to make herself the martyr and soak up other's pity that's her damage not mine. What she says about me doesn't change who I am or what I think about myself. Would I prefer she kept my business to herself? oh absolutely but it's just not going to happen.

You have my utmost sympathy I know how infuriating this is.

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Is it right? No. Is it ok? No. Should he respect your wishes? Absolutely. But you can't control him or what he says, only your reaction to it. My mother loves to tell ANYONE that will listen about her crazy daughter and the hell I put her through. She often embellishes the story and leaves out any part that is not flattering to her. It used to drive me bat crap. Which then gave her more gossip about how I try to control what she says about me and how mean I am. SO since I can't change her I changed my reaction. I decided in the long run it's just words. Anyone that even remotely knows me knows it's all BS and taken out of context. If her life is so empty she has to gossip about me to feel better than so be it. If she has to make herself the martyr and soak up other's pity that's her damage not mine. What she says about me doesn't change who I am or what I think about myself. Would I prefer she kept my business to herself? oh absolutely but it's just not going to happen.

You have my utmost sympathy I know how infuriating this is.

It's unbelievably aggravating. Part of what makes it so frustrating is that he'll throw in a few positive remarks about me along with the embarrassing details about my mental illness (but even these positive comments are often incorrect- again, the man knows very little about me because I purposely tell him very little). Which means that he can say that I'm just overreacting when I ask him to stop.

But the thing is, I shouldn't even have to ask him to stop anymore. It's my mental illness and I don't want him to describe it to others behind my back. Once I asked him to stop years ago, he should have respected my reasonable preference and stopped. It doesn't matter if he thinks he could get advice for me from the people he talks to or whether he thinks he's portraying me in an overall positive light. I've made it clear that it's not helping me but he's so arrogant that he thinks he knows what my privacy boundaries should be better than I do.

It's such a disconcerting feeling of powerlessness and vulnerability. When someone thinks they have more of a right to your personal information than you do.

[hvert]

This may be a really bad suggestion, but what would happen if you shared deeply private information about HIM? I guess that would just make you look bad... but how would he feel if you started sharing information about how long he takes in the bathroom or how he's starting to forget stuff and get a little shaky as he's getting older?

Actually, does he realize how bad this makes *him* look? If someone I don't know all that well starts sharing extremely private information about another person, I start to think poorly of the person doing the talking. I do not assume that what they are telling me is true.

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by hvert

This may be a really bad suggestion, but what would happen if you shared deeply private information about HIM? I guess that would just make you look bad... but how would he feel if you started sharing information about how long he takes in the bathroom or how he's starting to forget stuff and get a little shaky as he's getting older?

I'm not sure. He might say something like, "I don't care if you share personal information about me." Well that's great, but guess what? I DO care. Just because you don't have privacy boundaries doesn't mean I'm not allowed to set my own privacy boundries.

I don't think he originally started doing this with bad intentions. He's a very self-assured person and he felt confident that this was a way to help me and that he wasn't doing anything wrong because he was portraying me in (what he believed to be) an overall positive light. But now I think he might be doing it just to spite me because I asked him to stop. He does that with many things. Whenever anyone tries to tell him that he's doing something wrong, he digs his heels in and becomes obsessed with trying to prove THEM wrong.

The first thing that family members and friends of people with mental illness need to do is admit that they probably don't have all the answers. If someone says that it makes them feel worse when you discuss their mental illness with others, you should listen.

[brainhi]

The word "should" in many cases does not work - even with family. I spent decades thinking my father "should" - it never happened. I started to heal when I realized he never "would". Glad you are here talking it out because you do have understanding with us. You will have to find to deal with this. Again, so sorry this is happening to you!!!!

[12Username34]

Maybe the only thing I can do is control my outward symptoms so he doesn't have anything to talk about. But I think he'd continue to say frustrating and embarrassing things about me regardless. I'm sure he'll then tell people about what progress I'm making from where I was before (and he'll proceed to tell people about what I was like before and he'll pat himself on the back for figuring out how I could get better when he really has no clue). He still talks to strangers about personal phases of life my siblings went through years ago.

[brainhi]

At this point you can only control how you "view"/think about this situation. What you describe about your father is awful - but ruminating on this is not going to help you. It will take some time - hopefully not as long as it took me.

If people spent more time fixing their own problems, bad habits, deficiencies, etc. the world would be a better place. By and large humans have a tendency to be busybodies sticking their nose into everyone's business but their own.

[JadeAmethyst]

I can't agree more. It is seriously epidemic in our society that this happens often. It has been my experience that people are prone to spill the beans....as in "fishing" for information. Something to "talk about" as interesting conversations. I see this as people "connecting?" social media, instantly accessing private information....how honest is anyone? I wonder...

Just had this experience happen in the "fam" maybe there is something about the old saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt" but for who?

Supporting OP in the most empathetic way...because been in the same position.
Limit contact and information, and I remember how shamed it felt, because after all it was "a parent, sibling, friend, ...." soften your heart to yourself, take some time to heal the hurts...carry on taking care of that tender soul.

be well
Jade

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by 12Username34

After I asked him to stop talking about me behind my back the first time, I don't think he ever promised to stop. I think he just assumed that he knew it didn't matter regardless of how uncomfortable it made me, and he kept on doing it. He's extremely arrogant- he will never accept that other people know more than him in certain areas, and he reacts angrily if you try to tell suggest that he might be wrong. Combine that with an overall cluelessness about mental illness and he's bound to do some destructive things.

How do I show him that he needs to stop? He's extremely stubborn and is now angry with me for objecting to him talking about me again. He says that he's going to keep doing it and that I need to get over it. I can't get over it and since it's my mental illness, not his, I don't think I need to. I feel like a mental health professional could tell him in plain terms that he should stop and he wouldn't listen.

1. Stop telling him personal things about yourself
2. Create distance
3. Tell other people personal things about him to see if it bothers him, if so he may finally get it and stop

[12Username34]

Originally Posted by RedEagle

1. Stop telling him personal things about yourself
2. Create distance
3. Tell other people personal things about him to see if it bothers him, if so he may finally get it and stop

1. I already don't.
2. I already do, as much as possible. I think it might make things worse because it's evidence to him of how "weird" I am.
3. Nah. I don't think it would bother him and even if it did, two wrongs don't make a right.

[divine1966]

You can't change him unfortunately

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