Clueless, Anxious

I told my T that I wish I could be like people I've known who have friends with benefits. She says that's actually pathological. I know it is; I've actually tried it (it's amazing how guys pay attention to you when it's clear you only want sex). I did it right after I broke off my engagement in 2004-5. It's amazing I didn't end up pregnant/sick/hurt. But it was pretty pathological. I was an evangelical who had believed in waiting for my husband until my ex and I decided to sleep together. I waited until I was 26 (yep, you read that correctly). Looking back, it wasn't that hard; I don't think anyone else wanted to sleep with me, lol. But after I broke it off with him (it was ending anyway) I thought, why did I wait? It so wasn't worth it to me. So I made up for lost time. And honestly, it never seemed worth it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a decent sex drive. But it's not something I can't live without. So it's not that hard to turn that part of me off. The love part, however, is more difficult. Feeling like you're one of the only people in the world that no one loves, that cannot attract someone you want is really, really difficult.

Does your t have suggestions on how to break a pattern?

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I am so sorry. It's difficult to not beat yourself up for everything when you have low self-esteem.
I hope that you consider that (even thought it's different than a real-life situation) you let your wall down here and have not gotten hurt. At least I hope that you read the good intent in the comments here.

I can assure you that everybody here has allowed themselves to be vulnerable at one point or another. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it results in wonderful relationships.
None of us really knows what we're doing It's trial and error for the most part. Occasionally the planets align and angels sing, and then it's worth it.

Lol, nah. I think she just graduated from college. But I don't have much of a choice in who I see since I don't work enough hours to qualify for insurance through my job right now, and am on Medicaid until I graduate and am able to get back up to full-time. She's not bad--she went to Michigan State, which is where I'm planning on going for my bachelor's--but she's just very young and new.

Pretty much every T I've ever been to just listens, you know? I don't think, at least in recent years, any of them have given me any advice on how to break patterns. I get so frustrated with them because I'll go for months and months and just talk. And then we get to a point where they're like, "We have to do a goal evaluation. We haven't really made progress on the goal we initially agreed to work on." And I'm like...but you ask me what I want to talk about and so I talk! If you want me to do something, you need to tell me what to do! My last T and I terminated our relationship because of this--because I didn't know what she wanted from me. I could tell she was frustrated with me, and I wasn't getting anything from her. But if you don't give me a goal or a purpose or direction than I will just sit for an hour and talk...because I feel that this is what I'm supposed to do. Sorry. That was off topic... but do you know what I mean?

I suppose I can remember one of the last two T's saying that I just need to get out there and try, and I just kind of laughed. I was like, "Yeah, well someone has to actually want to be around me for that to work." Or vice-versa. I can't date someone I don't want to be around, either. And there aren't many guys I really want to spend time with, either. To be fair. It's not all them.

Oh, I've gotten hurt here plenty. It's just not the same as offline. No one here even knows my real name, so the stakes aren't as high. This guy knew things I haven't even told friends I've had for a decade. I mean, my telling it was circumstantial; it wasn't like, "Let me tell you my life story! " It was "Oh, you have this thing in your life that not many other people have? I have this similar thing, too. I understand. I hear you." But then I realized shortly after I told him that I regretted it, and that it caused me to develop an attachment more than I would have had I not known this about him, or he about me. Not smart.

Planets have never aligned for me, angels have never sang. This almost exact scenario, though, has happened multiple times (and I'm not even just talking about a guy). Planets and angels, I don't see it happening for me. When I begin to feel that a circumstance is "fated," that the planets are feeling aligned is when I know that, eventually, it's going to end up like this. I guess I should have been prepared for this--I felt it in the back of my mind weeks ago.

PS I know most people here have good intent.

Hhhmm about therapists. It suck so sorry.

Why would they all say same thing? Could it be that they did have a goal for you but it didn't register as they weren't specific? When you talk to them do you share deep pains? Do you ask questions?
Do you ask what the goal is? Maybe ask?

Could it be a bit as it is on here.? You share which is tough to do and it is so commendable but you are resistant to any advice or suggestion or even to empathy? Like no matter what people say you respond with no. Could it be that you resistant in therapy and with people irl in general? (We all are at times). Then on therApy it becomes you just talk and here it will become you just vent. And at the end there is no improvement in relating to people. You said it is not just men. Have you asked yourself why? At least to be aware of your own contribution

Just because angles didn't sing yet does not mean they will not. Most certainly do not date men whom you don't want to be around.

I wish you had a therapist who could really help.

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I don't understand this post.

If I'm so resistant, why keep responding? Maybe I say "no" because I've actually tried what people are suggesting and it doesn't work. Should I say "Hey, you're right, I've never tried that!" just to be agreeable? I would be lying. Honestly...you aren't compelled to respond to anything I post.

I didn't say it was all therapists. I was specific about my last one. What I said was all therapists was that, at the beginning of therapy sessions they ask what you want to talk about and then let you talk with little to no input.

And you know, this is the second or third time my "venting" has been brought up. I'm certainly not the only person on PC who does this. But hey, feel free to make me feel even worse than I already do. Sorry I post so much...my average of 1.23 posts a day. I'll take it down a notch.

Somebody please close this thread. I'm over it.

That's what I am saying. Why aren't they providing input at all? That's nuts. It would bother me. I would ask. Just talking wouldn't do any good. I was puzzled why all of them do same thing?

Good question why am I responding. Don't know. I don't give up easily. You do what you feel right of course.

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Hey Miss K, I know I mentioned venting earlier in this thread but just wanted to emphasise I meant no harm by that - I have vented on these forums myself, and have found it helps to get it out there, there's no shame in it.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling, no harm meant from me, only good feelings sent your way - it is really hard for some of us to make ourselves vulnerable, you did nothing wrong. The fact he has not replied to your email IMHO speaks volumes about him, not about you.

Take care.

Vent away!!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with venting if one wants no input. You misunderstood. It is just not always clear if it is only venting. Or some suggestions are needed. It is normal reaction to make suggestion and want to help when one posts. If it is just venting then nothing wrong with it

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I agree. He could at least say something

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You know...thanks for that. I'm not really sure what he could have said, especially right now since he's in the realization that he's in love, possibly enough to marry this woman and has tunnel-vision. But I was pretty damn supportive in the short time I knew him. I stuck my neck out and communicated things which were uncomfortable for me--twice! Nothing's saying he has to reciprocate but...jeez.

I am sorry I was mean earlier this morning, it looks like? (I know I am mean a lot. ) FWIW, I don't remember typing that. And that isn't a cop out or excuse; I have been doing that the last few days...not totally remembering things. I remember general things but not specifics. On another thread I was saying that I remember I was driving around all day yesterday, at one point I was at work picking up Girl Scout cookies, and then I was home but I don't remember where I was between the two places. But I was somewhere. This is why I chose not to work today (or maybe even tomorrow). I guess it's dissociation. I never thought I did this until a T pointed it out to me about 6 years ago when I was trying to recall something from my inpatient stay right after I overdosed, and I couldn't. I don't remember most of that stay, actually. I remember my inpatient stay in November 2012 just fine. In fact, I still talk to people I became close to at that time. But the one in 2009...nothing. I can't recall one thing except being in the ER.

I would venture to guess that this is why he didn't respond; he grew up with a crazy mother. He can probably sniff out crazy a mile away. I say that mostly tongue-in-cheek, but really if I were in his shoes I would have kept a wide berth.

No problem about being mean. Didn't bother me. ️hugs you are just stressed not mean

Well I was bugging my t few months ago about why so and so did this or that etc I often do this agonize why people do crap.

T said we might never get an answer to some questions and we have to let it go. It is usually a mystery why people do strange things. Usually it is because they are not healthy but it is not our concern. We can only worry about ourselves.

It does help me a bit when I start thinking why so and so does this or that. The answer is we will never know.

I often don't remember things as I act on autopilot. I recently misplaced 300. I went through everything. I found it in my closet in a pocket of a cardigan that I never wear. Not only I don't wear it I never just put money places with no wallet. Why was it there I have no idea

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I've put my keys and cell phone in the refrigerator before. Not at the same time--on two separate occasions.

I'm not too concerned about why he does what he does, why he didn't respond, why he was hyper-attentive (I think I know why), and etc. The only thing that bothers me is, for someone with similar history to me, why he has it so easy. Why he's successful, has a wide circle of friends, people are attracted to him, and etc. It just feels so unfair. I do think it has to do with being an attractive, compelling male vs. a slightly introverted, overweight female of average looks. Sucks. I've felt that way about a lot of people, though. Not sure why they got through relatively unscathed and I have all of this massive bs I have to try and mend.

I really doubt he got it so easy. Bet you not! He might just have different issues than yours. We all have them just different kinds. And looks along with public behavior are often very deceiving. You have no ways of knowing what demons others battle. Some people are excellent at hiding it very successfully, yours truly included.

I agree though that life is unfair. Nothing is fair. I make conscious effort not to think that others got it easier as it takes me no where. Screw it

I try to open my classroom door by pushing buttons on my car key. Put my tv remote into my purse to take to work etc et lol oh yeah and items end up in a fridge

You are a deep thinker and that means a lot

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HAHA we have hands-free sinks at work. I constantly walk up to my sinks at home and get frustrated when the water won't turn on when I hold my hands (or coffee pot) under the faucet.

I've been learning not to trust that belief that others have it so easy. Or that other people are so great and I suck. Or that certain unpleasant people at work, for example, are liked by everyone and it's just me, my problem that I can't get along with them, that I'm the only one who sees their dysfunction. I'm learning that what I'm seeing in other people is more often than not, accurate. It's difficult to trust your own instincts when, sometimes, your instincts get you hurt. But, for example, when you feel overwhelmingly like someone is just a massive PITA and not really a nice person, all told, then you're probably not the only one who is seeing that. I hope I'm making sense.

Yes you make sense.

We had this one nutso at work. I Am always nice and friendly with coworkers but I refused to be friendly with her. I just couldn't be nice to her. I just knew she is not only not fully there she is not a good person. Well she was recently let go for calling kids names and making fun of their looks and weight right to their face. I am not kidding. My guts didn't lie

Others had their suspicions about her but not as strong as mine

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