Family Counseling with my in-laws. Help!

Hello Everyone,

Thank you in-advance for your reply. My concern is unfortunately common, but also unique to me. Been happily married for almost three years. Met my husband in College. Three months into our relationship, I met his parents and this is where my concerns stem.

A little about me: Grew up in a abusive home. Took my parents to court at 24 and have excommunicated myself from these unhealthy people. I might come off light-hearted, but this was the hardest thing I've ever done. My health and happiness are very important to me. I have one cousin, I keep in contact with and a have a few friends, but no one close. With that said, this is why I'm reaching out.

Right from the start it was uncomfortable with his parents. One of the first questions was about my parents, which is natural. I cut to the chase and said, they were bad people and I've made an active decision to keep them out of my life and from those around me. This unfortunately, has hurt my relationship with them over the years (for no good reason). I feel, they look at me as damaged goods and even after I've married their son, treat me less than worthy of their son's affections.

Most recently, my husband was diagnosed with Epilepsy after having a seizure at the wheel. His parent's have been cold and far from understanding when it comes to their son's needs. His parents are not particularly warm people and have childhood issues of their own. I'm the only one that has had counseling before and dealt with issues. I say this, because my mother in-law wants to go to family counseling. She say's it for Epilepsy. Meaning, we all need to communicate about our feelings. My intuition tells me, this is a chance to get everything on the table and talk about how I'M keeping the family apart.

So you understand and without boring you with years of hurtful remarks and misunderstanding, I will just sum up the core issues and actions.

Me and my mother and father in-law have never really got along. My mother in-law, specifically, talks behind my back to my husband. My husband has stood up for me and told them, I'm apart of the family! I'm a strong woman and as such, confronted my mother in-law. She apologized to me and then cried to my husband and said, unspeakable things about my past and me in-general. Holidays and events are always uncomfortable with the fake smiles and bland conversations. I chased their expectance for years and have stopped as of two years ago. This situation hurts and especially since I do not have parents of my own.

If we go to family counseling, how do I protect myself from being a target and how should I voice my concerns?

Do you really want to attend family counseling, especially if you are suspicious that the agenda concerns you? If not, you can opt out. If you do decide to go, maybe you will find some opportunity for healing within you and your family. I feel for you ... in-law relationships can be very difficult.

Your in laws sound like a piece of work. Honestly I wouldn't go to counseling with them. You can go with your husband but not in laws. No thanks. I am sorry you are dealing with this

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Family counseling is something I would expect to involve the members of an immediate family, like parents and children. I guess it can involve others, but thus sounds weird to me. The epilepsy is your husband's issue and it should be up to him if he wants counseling and who he wants to partake in that. I don't understand his parents initiating counseling. If I were you, I wouldn't be too interested in going. Sounds like the parents might want to ambush you.

If these people have been miserable to you, then you have every right to avoid them. I'ld be very suspicious of what they are intending. The whole thing sounds very inappropriate to me. Does your husvand really want to do this counseling thing with his parents? If so, he may be littke too much under the thumb of his folks.

You are under no obligation to them! To me, they sound somewhat abusive. I know it's hard to deal with in-laws. And it's not like you can easily "ignore" them, because they're your husband's family. But, in-laws are a big part of the reason why I'm not married today.

It's epilepsy! Family Counseling? Maybe a home visit from a nurse together or a similar case worker, to discuss at home safety precautions/changes, but family counseling?
Yeah, it's a serious neurological illness, but geesh, even with MS, the most I've seen offered is relationship counseling via phone classes. And that's a 'want to reduce stress' illness...

Sounds troubling..

Perhaps I am not the best person to offer perspective since relations with my in-laws are far from perfect, but here's my two cents.

If your mother-in-law wants you to go to family therapy, it means she actually does considers you part of the family. That's good, right? Could it be that she wants to have a better relationship with you and your husband, but she doesn't know how to make that happen herself? Could this be her way of trying to meet you partway?

The idea of my own M-I-L suggesting family therapy is so unfathomable that it's difficult for me to imagine. But if she really wanted it, I would at least try it on the condition that the choice of therapist must be unanimous - everyone must feel comfortable. Good therapy is never easy, but a skilled practitioner will ensure that the playing field is level and no one feels ganged up upon.

Although I have not been to family therapy, my husband and I did go to marriage therapy two years ago. When I walked in to the first appointment, I was convinced that our problems were 100% attributed to my husband. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me. We had a really great therapist who helped us realize how our own stuff can get in the way of perceiving interactions and situations, and that both of us had a role in creating the misunderstandings and dynamic that existed.

All I'm saying is that maybe if you give therapy a shot, you will learn new things about yourself and perhaps improve relations with your in-laws. What have you got to lose?

i agree you could get something out of this but be leary because like someone said someone will take the lashing out at in a group.if you don't want to go you'll have to tell them or just not show up.

It's great that you're husband defends you to his mom, but he should not allow these toxic conversations to happen!

Hello Everyone,

You guys are amazing! I apologize for not acknowledging your comments sooner.

My gut tells me not to go to counseling. I've expressed my feelings, as of recent, to my husband about feeling like a target. His response was warm and he said, it's in their court. If she (my MIL) wants us to go to counseling, she needs to set it up.

This was a relief to me, because if my MIL is sincere, she will follow through.

However, I just learned yesterday, that this idea of 'Family Counseling' might be stemming from a private conversation between my husband and his parents. My husband works for his father and has been for 14 years. Money has been tight this year, work has been slow and then add our recent diagnosis...and you have a whole lot of stress. My husband said (to his his parents), if work does not improve in 6 months we (me and him) will be making an exit plan and might be moving to start of own business. After the seizure, this put our lives in perspective and we don't want to be living paycheck-to-paycheck for the rest of our lives.

I share all this, because my husband feels, his Mother is suggesting counseling because she doesn't want to loose her son. I realize this makes no sense.

My MIL has apparently looked into family counseling, but since my last post, nothing has come of it.

This is tough! I'm feeling a little more supported thank to you all.

Thank you for your response. I'm waiting for my MIL to make the next move. I'm totally up for healing, but because of my past, it's harder for me to let hurtful comments go. I'm working on it though.

Feeling that way too! Leaving it up to my MIL and what my husband wants to do. Thank you!

I felt weird to be included too! My husband recently said, he doesn't want to go to counseling unless we all go to talk about the family issues, not just the epilepsy. Sounds like my MIL feels like she is loosing her grip on my Husband and is just throwing out, counseling, like it's a safe word. There is so much healing needed here and I feel it will never happen. Gah! Thank you for your reply.

You hit the nail on the head! If I had healthy parents of my own, this would not be so hard and hurtful. I fell in-love with my husband, because he was warm, outgoing and wonderful. I had NO idea his parents would be anything but. Gah!

Your exactly right! My MIL bringing up family counseling for epilepsy sounds like a catalyst for something bigger. Right now, I just don't know what.

I am with you and hope your right! If my MIL is sincere, I would go. Me and my husband went to couples counseling too, a few years ago and it was great. Tough, but great. My MIL is broken, because of her own issues that she refuses to deal with. My FIL, unfortunately is the same way. My FIL recently said to my husband, he doesn't have to be there...this is between my husband and his mother. That statement, tells me this counseling thing probably will not happen. All parties need to take responsibility before healing can begin. I HATE having to go through this. After everything I've been though, I was hoping my wonderful husband came with wonderful family.
Love and acceptance, is this too much to ask for? Thank you for your reply!

There is always a fly in the ointment. I guess that's life. Your MIL sounds to me like the kind of person who likes to hold up the hoops for other people to jump through at her bidding. I wouldn't reinforce that by showing the slightest interest in any schemes she comes up with, be it counseling, or whatever. And that's what I smell here with this counseling thing - a scheme. If something comes of it and your husband asks you to go, then maybe go to honor him . . . not to comply with her.

She sounds like a woman who does seek a lot of compliance out of people - to her will - and your husband may have a history of giving her too much.

In what way does she anticipate losing her son . . . just because he won't be working with his father? Or are you two contemplating moving a good distance away? Ask yourself honestly: how likely is it that this MIL is setting up anything in the interests of "healing," as opposed to her jockeying for more control?

Hello Rose76,
Thank your for your reply. You make valid points. Before I came into my husbands life, my MIL was the center of attention, be it holidays or random events. Me and my husband argued plenty early on about his parents. It took counseling for us to have a conversation, where both sides were heard. This was 6 years ago and my MIL is still having a hard time not being the center of attention. This is her only son. My husband's side of the family is pretty broken. I basically left my drama to enter another, know one's fault, just making a feeling statement. I believe, my MIL feels she is losing control. Her attachment to him is unhealthy and it could stem from past family issues of her own upbringing. I know it sounds like I'm giving her excuses. It sucks because I care too much for those that appear to care less for me.
If you we move, it could be two states away. This would be hard for his parents. It would give us breathing room and to be honest...I am very open to moving and starting our lives. I wish there was an easy button, some way I could fix this.
My husband said, yesterday, his parents don't know me (which is weird). He explained, they don't remember conversations we've had. They base there feeling about me on events and holidays. I don't know what to say about this. Me and my MIL have had 100's of one-on-one conversations and to think she doesn't remember details about me...even what movies I like. I'm speechless and lost.
It is in my nature to cut people out who are unhealthy for me, I just want to be honest with that, but also, I have tried everyone a daughter-in-law/person can try to be apart of the family and to have them know me. I did mention to my husband, the next time his mother complains about me, to say, I will not listen to that.
Okay, I'm rambling. I hope I gave you insight and answered your questions. I am knee deep into this situation and it's hard to know what I should do.

Your husband is trying to make excuses for his mother, as he's probably done all his life. Your MIL does know you, and she doesn't like the competition. She wants to be the center of his world. You are in the way if that. You always will be, and she is always going to have some bad feelings toward you.

Having said that, you cannot just cut her out of your life. Eventually she'll die, and that's when you'll be free of her. There is nothing wrong with you looking forward to that day either. Meanwhile, your job is to be courteous for your husband's sake. You don't have to love this woman, or even like her. Be blandly pleasant and avoid fighting with her. I say that because altercations play into gameplan. You want to minimize being engaged in whatever crap she's starting, which is why I say you show show zero interest in this creepy counseling scheme.

A health issue like epilepsy is the kind of thing that an adult manages, mainly with the help of his spouse. His parents role is to wish the two of you well in meeting the challenges posed by his condition and to mind their own business. They can make themselves useful, by being willing to help out, if and when they are asked to, in the way that they are asked to, should help be wanted.

That your husband works for his father slightly complicates things, but not much. What would the father do, if some other of his employees had epilepsy? That should basically be the guide. It would be the best thing in the world, if your husband could find another source of a livelihood. Were it to necessitate you two moving 2 states away - well, that would be extra gravy on the potatoes.

Thus MIL is going to be a thorn in your side for as long as she lives. That's the reality - forget the healing. People don't change . . . not their basic natures. Her wanting to be overly entwined in her son's life is as basic as it gets. She'll stop that when she stops breathing. You can hold this opinion quietly and go about your life as best you can, avoiding being overly tangled up with her. Your husband loves this woman. You can respect that without letting her constantly use you for target practice. When that happens, remove yourself from her presence, using whatever lame pretext is handiest: "Getting one of my distressing headaches. Afraid I can't join the family tonight. Thanks ever so much for understanding." Then go shopping with one of your girlfrriends. MIL will know your lying, and that's okay. Nothing wrong with you slyly telegraphing to her the message, "No, I'm not available to participate in your sneakiy little games."

With everyone "grown", the family counseling thing sounds a bit odd to me; it's not like there's a child having a problem? You all are two different couples and it sounds like your mother-in-law hasn't thought things through. Any "good" counseling is going to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife in this situation, not mother and son? She'll "lose" her son worse! She's the one who doesn't belong in the "family"?

It has to be hard with your husband working for the family business and, I assume, your father-in-law taking orders from his wife :-) The three of them have opportunity and need to be together so almost have to talk about family and interactions, etc.

Were I you I'd decide what I personally wanted for your and your husband's marriage and discuss it with him, asking him not to discuss it with his parents. If you want your husband to leave the family business, I'd tell him that and brainstorm ways to do it. If your mother-in-law finds out stuff from your husband talking about the two of your's relationship/marriage conversations, I'd maybe get some marriage counselling so he learns to separate his marriage from his family business interests and refuse to share things about you in the business setting?

Rose76,
A healthy-minded MIL would see me as a blessing. Someone who loves her son and supports him. She would welcome me with open arms. It's sad, even after 12 years she still can't see that.
She is a strong stubborn woman. I'm a strong supportive woman. My MIL takes any sign of backing down as weakness and pounces like a freaking tiger.
I care for her, but do not love her. There would have to be some acknowledgement for her behavior, for anything to truly change. She has not even dealt with her personal issues...so I'm not expecting her to suddenly wake-up and see what's she doing. If counseling happened...there would be lots of finger pointing and I imagine her walking-out. She is a woman that needs control and has to be right. I truly believe it's not me, per-say, it's the idea of another woman on her turf and it's disgusting!
I would love to move. We have chatted about and looked into locations. My husband is caught between his love for me and them. He does not want to be in the middle and that's tough. I've told him, with love, his role was defined before I even arrived. He's been the glue between his parents, every past girlfriend and even his own siblings (half-brother and sister that he does keep in-touch with anymore). He's made great strides in the last two years and I think that's made things come to a head. For the last two years I've been cordial and I feel that's best. Know matter what I say or do it gets twisted. She is a storyteller. A storyteller to the point that you can't argue with her because she truly believes this alternate situation really happened. It must be a coping mechanism of some sorts. My FIL loves his wife and of course sides with her. Through her, his feelings for me have tarnished.
I pray for an opportunity to arise that enables us to move and my husband to start his own business.

Perna,
Your right, the counseling thing is odd. His parents need counseling far me than we do. We went to a year and a half. I will make it a point to chat with my husband about his idea about moving. Even if the business turns around, I feel working for his Dad is a weight on or relationship.
He literately works down the street from where his parents live. The three of them see each other far more than we see each other as a group. He makes it a point to talk about me, almost as a subtle reminder that I exist.
Something that bugged me recently was, my Husband said to his parents, we all need to make efforts. I've made plenty of effort and feel that's not brought to their attention. Also, these conversations happen after work or during a work meeting and therefore, I'm not present. My husband is trying to help, but I feel I'm not there to defend myself. This could be the reason why they feel they don't know me. They seem to remember the heated conversations that I'm never a part of.
I don't want to fight with my husband, but when they bring up family stuff during a work meeting...I'm going to tell him, tell your Dad...Mom...Parents that, I need to be present when it comes to family meetings. This might help.

To an extent, your husband is keeping you agitated by always running home with reports on his parents' latest critical musings on their daughter-in-law. These verbal exchanges are not family meetings. They are just a bunch of talk among people whom circumstances are bringing together more than is healthy, considering the dynamics. Decide not to be an audience. Tell your husband that you are not too interested in hearing whatever is the latest thing his mother is carping about. Yes, you feel curious and think it's good to have information about what is said about you. It's not. By you acting uninterested, you'll be role modeling to your husband the frame of mind your husband needs to adopt.

You and your husband need to project that what the in-laws think of you is really not of any great importance to either of you. MIL doesn't care for you, and that's her privilege. But her son chose you to be his life partner and her approval is not required. I agree that it's probably nothing personal. She'ld find fault with any wife he had. So do yourself a favor and don't hang on her every word, whether it comes diectly to you from her or via your husband. She's manipulating to get to you by telling him things that she probably knows good and well he is sharing with you. Make up your mind to deny her that power.

The bottom line is that your husband never learned to command respect from his mother. She is stronger than he is. He is allowing himself to be used in her mind games. Help him outgrow his excessive involvement with her. There needs to be much less attention paid to her. Signal to him that your marriage needs to be less focused on what Mama thinks - about anything.

Something happened this weekend that was unexpected and wonderful, but not in the way you might think.
Saturday, my In-laws got tickets for everyone to go see a show. We stopped at Fish Bone Grill for dinner first. Since, I was not driving I decided to have two glasses of wine. One the way to the show....my in-laws were talking about their family and our wedding came up. I was slightly tipsy when I said, "I've given up on that side of the family (which is my husbands side.)" My MIL said, "Why?" I replied, because everyone only wants to know what is happening with my Husband. So instead of reaching out to him they go through me. I'm a person too! I dealt with this as a child and I will not, as an adult." The car got quite. My husband nudged me and was clearly irritated. I was so surprised with myself. It was empowering!
Right before the show, my husband said, "We are trying to rebuild a relationship with them and you took things to a dark place!" I replied,"I can see why your upset, but that was the first time I've ever voiced my opinion and it felt good." He took my hand and started for the door to our seats.

I'm okay with us disagreeing. What my Husband does not see is...every time there has been a discussion, I have not been present. I've never been able to defend myself, share my opinion and certainly not with all four of us together. We've been building a relationship for 12 years!!! If anything, my in-laws realized in that moment, I will not be walked over. If they want to get to know me, they must make a genuine effort.
My MIL is a story-teller and because I addressed everyone, there is no way she can misconstrue what I said or add to it for her enjoyment. So far...there has not been a ripple effect or even a mention of it. It may or may not be ever talked about again, but I will never forget how powerful it felt, to just be heard.

Trying rebuild a relationship?? That is a weird way for a man to talk about his own parents . . . whom he has known since a baby. And they've known you for 12 years. What isn't there by now, probably never will be.

Do his parents have a lot of money? None of my business . . . but this could be about qualifying for an inheritance. He seems overly willing to jump through hoops for mom.