need answers

Seriously, I'm hoping one (or more) of the women here might explain why women act all into a guy only to drop him as soon as he lets his guard down. I mean, really, it's hard enough going through life alone, but to keep thinking there might be a hope that you don't have to be alone only to be left alone again... It's just too much. I literally go from being pursued to being ignored, and the turning point seems to always be the moment I open up.

And this is a repeating pattern. It has happened more than once; it has happened more than a few times... I've truly been in more relationships than any person I know, and they always play out the same way.

Sorry you feel this way but you make a lot of generalizations . It seems that you attract certain type of women or you have certain type of relationships not that every woman is this way or every relationship is like this. Certainly not

. It might be worth it to explore therapy and find out why you are attracted to a certain type of women. If you have same pattern in your relationships then there is a reason for it. Try to find that reason so you can be aware and start making changes

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Exactly what is it you "open up" with?

I missed the point that they all quit after opening up. Now I also want to know what's the opening up about. That might explain things

I went on few dates with men and then cut it off after they open up about: being still in love with their exes, not seeing and not paying child support on their kids etc other "opening ups" that would make me stop immediately seeing them would be drug addiction, alcoholism., gambling, permanently not working.

So it depends

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YEP!

Perhaps you are opening up in a way that is frightening to a woman? i.e. past history of mental or physical abuse to an ex? (I'm sorry but I probably don't care how sorry you are or how much therapy you've had) Past criminal behavior ?(I would bet 80% of women would not want an ex-con in their lives, especially if they have children.) Past history of instability? (I want you to be my rock and I'll be yours).

I guess what I'm trying to say is yes be yourself but you need to paint your picture as one that another would want to view. If you paint with black and orange and I hate those colors, I won't look for long. Bad metaphor...sorry!

I have asperger's, and that has such an impact on relationships that I bring it up very quickly... being up front and honest about that has actually done just the opposite of running anyone off.

I'm an alcoholic, but I've been sober 10+ years. This tends to come up early whenever I meet someone new--not just romantic interests, but coworkers, friends, anything--because having drinks is pretty much ubiquitous.

I have no criminal history, no active addictions, the only abuse in my past is what I've been on the receiving end of. I don't pay child support because I don't have children (that would require a partner). I have 2 part time jobs, my own business, and I do quite a bit of volunteer/ community work.

The few exes who would actually talk to me after leaving have each said I'm a great guy, I did nothing wrong, 'it's not you; it's me', etc. etc. One of them even said I was the perfect guy and "the last person on earth to deserve this".

It's really not so much that I 'open up' as that I kind of relax a little and think "this time might actually be different".

I do not know how long some of the relationships lasted.... but initially we are not seeing the real picture of "who someone is". With time you might have let some of these women go to.

I do not have an easy time myself, I have let go or have had other's let me go.. it hurts.

What I have learned is try to stay in the "here and now". Enjoy your time at the time and do not worry about past or what might happen tomorrow. You can have some great experiences without worrying about rejection.

Try to be open and relax to begin with. You might have had a good experience even though you might not be right for each other in the long run.

Hi RichardBrooks...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard, crazy time with relationships. It does sound confusing. I had a couple thoughts...

1. When we first meet people, we only have a limited amount of data. So, people tend to fill in the rest with their imagination (some of us perhaps more than others). When the ladies are initially pursuing you, it's possible that they've made some assumptions about who they think you are, based on their own fantasies and very little data. It's possible that once they get to know you, some of those fantasies turn out to be wrong. This isn't really your fault... partly it's just something that happens, and partly toss it up to a bad match ("Oh, she was dreaming of someone that wanted to retire the countryside, run a vineyard, and have 12 kids and rescue feral cats. OK, I'm not the guy for her!")

2. You mentioned Asperger's. My understanding is that folks with Asperger's can have a really hard time reading others' emotions and reacting appropriately. Could this be contributing? If you're not noticing or reacting appropriately to emotional cues, that *could* come across as you not caring about the other person. If you haven't tried talking to a counselor yet about this, it might be helpful. I imagine they can help you learn to better navigate the emotional stuff, as well as understand how you may appear to others.

3. I want to second/third/etc what others said. It's possible that what ever you're disclosing, or how you're "opening up", is not coming across the way you intend. Again, this might be complicated by the Aperger's. Even without Asperger's, it can be hard to know what and how much to share, and how early to share, because everyone has a different tolerance. One woman might feel really touched to know more about your background, and another might feel like it's too much, too fast, overwhelming, and a red flag.

4. Finally, something someone told me once: dating is a numbers game. Some people get lucky and meet the love of their life with the first, or second, or third person that they date. But really, there's no guarantees. Just because the first 100 women you date don't end up being good matches, doesn't mean that you won't strike gold with 101. You have to keep trying.

That said, I agree that it might be helpful to talk to a therapist/counselor. I think they can help you determine if the Asperger's is causing problems, and what you can do to circumvent those problems if they exist. They can help you look at the patterns in your relationships and see if you're unconsciously picking women that aren't good matches for a reason, or if you're attracting a certain type of woman. They can help you understand how you interact, what your values and boundaries are, and how to maintain your self-worth in the brutal dating arena.

Good luck to you, and don't give up!

Not sure if this is actually a good idea, but you might want to refer to yourself as a past-alcoholic. You should give yourself the credit you deserve for being 10 years sober -- in my book that doesn't make you an alcoholic anymore.

People don't see who people are because people aren't honest. I'm honest and up front and suffer for it. People say they want honesty and have no interest in games, lies, and manipulation, but that's the only way the vast majority of people know how to interact, and they're highly suspicious of anyone who doesn't lie, play games, and manipulate.

Again, I am honest and up front. I don't play silly games, lie about myself or anything else, or try to manipulate people in any way. Therefore, if anyone thinks I am anything other than what they see, they are assuming I'm either intentionally deceiving them or am too stupid to know who I am.

Seriously, how can this stuff be learned except through experience? We don't teach kids to read by handing them a college level textbook and getting angry with them when they don't read it flawlessly. I don't process emotions in the same way others do; it's that simple. Why is it that this one category is one in which there is no allowance, forgiveness, or acceptance? 'Oh wow, you made one tiny mistake? I'm going to cut you out of my life even though just last week I told you I loved you and wanted to be with you forever. You want to know what you did wrong? Too bad, a**hole.'

I am not understanding this hang up on the phrase 'opening up'. It's not that I open up as in start confessing a bunch of crap or whatever. I open up as in I relax and open myself to the possibility that I might not just be getting set up for another round of torture and confusion.

Ever hear the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" If each and every time you touch a hot stove, you get burned, you will eventually stop touching the stove. You'll walk wide circles around that stove to make sure you don't touch it. In my case, the stove has the ability to disguise itself as something innocuous and to promise me it's not a stove so it's okay to touch it. I hesitate, then I let my guard down and reach out and get burned again. Also, I don't know a single person... not one... other than myself who has not had at least one significant long term relationship before they were in their thirties. If it's a numbers game, it's rigged against me. 2015 is not halfway over, and I've been walked away from 4 times already... and I'm having a slow year. I passes that 101 a long, long time ago. I've even tried meeting people online. As soon as I say so much as 'hi' they're either deleting their profiles or blocking me. This seems far less like a numbers game and more like a government experiment to see how much rejection a human being can tolerate.

What few people there are who specialize in Autism and Aspergers focus on children. If you're an adult, they basically tell you to find meaning elsewhere in your life. One even said to me, "You interact well with your clients; you manage the people who work for you; I don't understand what more you want." How about something in my life other than work? How about friends, a family, someone to share my problems and my joys with? How about not having to wonder if there will even be pallbearers at my funeral if I die?

I am sorry. Again lots of generalizations. I don't know people who are suspicious of the ones who don't lie or don't manipulate. Women love men who don't manipulate or don't play

. There must be more to it. I am truly sorry whatever is that "more"

. Hey many of us don't have ASD yet have hard time finding life long partners, i personally attract emotionally unavailable men. They are nice. But not what I need. I eventually have to leave them. People with ASD might come across as emotionally unavailable.

I maybe miss where you said it. But do you have a therapist? You absolutely need one. And/or life coach? What state are you in? I can try to find you resources for adult with ASD.

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i hate to say it but alot of women and men are just out there to play the field too, they want love and attention, until they want someone else. make sure you are not being played if there is a way to do that.

Okay so it sounds like you (or your ASD talking) think you have done everything you can to discern this "hot stove" but apparently you are unable to do so. Time then to take a look at the hot stove.
If you are choosing women in your age group (36) then they probably will have children and are looking for a "dad" for them. Not that Aspies can't be good Dads, I'm sure they can, but to someone else's child, this is probably a big challenge. A mother will pick up on this and her child is going to come first.
Anyone in the next generation down is too young for you, in all aspects, period.
So maybe someone who is 10 or more years older would be more appropriate. But, I will say, I doubt she is going to be into a threesome, like the one you recently got out of.
If you have had STRONG feelings for 4 women in 6 months, something ain't right. Why are you attaching yourself so quickly? Looking for something your own mother didn't/couldn't provide?
I'm OBVIOUSLY not a therapist and know nothing about you. My final comment is that you seem very angry and that would be something most women would run from.

The only common denominator in your situations is you. Each woman is different, so they are not the same hot stove that you keep burning yourself on. One might be a stove, one might be a camp fire, one might be a candle, one might be a ligther, one might be a welding torch, one might be a wood stove, etc etc etc.

What have you tried to do differently? It doesn't mean change who you are. But you may have some behaviours that could be changed.

You seem hostile and angry, along with generalizing people. Perhaps that comes across the longer someone knows you. I certainly won't stay in contact with someone who has such a negative view on others; and it usually comes across without them saying anything directly.

Is there a chance that women you meet don't actually want to have a relationship with you, from the start, and perhaps just want to be friends? I have no real guess on this because your interactions with them are described vaguely. But perhaps you're missing what their intentions are from the start.

Richard,

I am feeling your frustration in what you write. About that stove analogy...try to remember it's not the same stove every time. They may all be women, but they're not exactly alike. A different model of stove, if you like.

And to continue with that analogy, have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It's a book that discusses how different people have different ways of showing love and of perceiving that they are loved.

It sounds like you need someone who feels loved by someone who is consistent and loyal and shows up and does caring things. Someone who has a much more "emotional" than practical "love language" will probably not be a good fit for you.

If you're in a relationship with a woman, you may need to ask her what she wants regarding gifts and celebration for birthday, Christmas, & Valentine's Day. If it's doable (like she doesn't want you to take her to the south of France for two weeks or something like that), do it for her.

I'm basing that last paragraph on my mom and dad. My dad wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's, but he had a lot of the characteristics. We had this conversation about Valentine's Day once when I was a young adult. He refused to celebrate it at all. He thought it was commercial and ridiculous. I said "but all Mom wants is a card and for you to take her to dinner - that makes her really happy. Isn't that important?" By this time he was getting towards middle age and mellowing a little, and he agreed that it was, so he started doing that every year. My mom was thrilled.

I don't know how much any of this applies to you or is helpful to you. All I can do is to offer my own experience and ideas. You sound like a good person. I hope that you meet someone compatible. I'm not keen on dating services, but it might be something you want to consider.

If therapists aren't helping you to reach your personal life goals, you might want to look for a good life coach. Probably a female one. They are generally more problem-solving oriented.

Hi Richard, I think I would appreciate your honesty but then I would struggle with fear. Will he start drinking again. How will he act if it doesn't work out?.Maybe you should not do a full disclosure until they get to know the real you. BTW kudos on your accomplishments. Hang in there and good for you that at least you are trying to meet people and have meaningful relationships!!!! So many people are afraid to even try!!!

This is why I'm getting angry... There are so many things being responded to here that I did not say. Strong feelings... threesome... wtf? I cannot engage in a world where words do not mean what they mean.

This is my experience; I am only generalizing the 20 or so women I've been involved with (6 of them 'serious'). One of them, and only the one, actual said 'we need to talk' and then proceeded to talk to me about her problems with the relationship and why she didn't see it going anywhere. Just one actually engaged me as an adult human being.
I am very aware of my behaviors. It is difficult to process emotions, and while I do I tend to get somewhat distant. But are women who stay with guys who get drunk and hit them.

My phone posted total nonsense sorry

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Um, I got that from your posts last year???? Sorry to offend you, it was not my intention.

Hi. Fellow Aspie; plus I'm female so if I might venture something: Lots of us communicate , well, differently. We likewise tend to receive information differently; and as for how we process or interpret it? Welcome to my circus lol. Here's something my ASD son does, and my Aspie-lite dau too: Gets overwhelmed with whatever, and then overwhelms the person he's trying to communicate with. It can freak people out a bit. Even tho I know he;s doing it, even tho I freakin' know he's GONNA do it *wince* , it's a bloody tidal wave & I cannot hang. And he cannot shut up. Oh boy. And I cannot hear him anymore...OUCH

It wears people out sometimes. His former fiancee told me that they'd have done better if he'd left a few things to be discovered along the way on the gradual, yanno?

My fiance is another, and bc of the way my brain is built I just glaze over. He must must must explain explain explain (LOUDLY).

How do you react when/if you feel you are being misunderstood? Or that the other person might not be understanding you? Figuring out what is actualy going on w/a loved one is tough. I'm really sorry you're feeling so frustrated, sad, and pissed off .

Chyi

I am almost 50 and frankly didn't have 6 serious relationships , then honestly you have more action than you claim to have or you have some strange understanding of serious

I was married and lived with a man. Well one more was serious in between. The rest was just dating snd in younger years having sex. If you managed to nail 6 serious relationships already, you are pretty successful

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Richard did u happen to see the positive things that were said also. Sounds like people were also understanding and supportive! At least I was trying to be. I don't know what it's like to have Asperger's but I see your dilemma. Good luck and peace Richard

Just read this about relationships and thought it might be helpful.

For many people, rejection is like a hook. They might be dating someone and feeling kind of “on the fence” about it, but if their potential partner starts to lose interest, it’s like an instant fever. Now this person becomes enticing and coveted and the one they have to have. The same thing can happen with new friendships, it can happen amongst colleagues, it can even happen with strangers. If we harbor doubt about our own worth at our very core, having that doubt reflected back at us is almost intolerable. It’s like a message from the universe being delivered through this unavailable person: “It’s as you thought, you are not good enough, and you are not truly lovable.” It can be brutal.

What happens when we feel excluded, shunned, ignored, disrespected, discarded or unseen? These things never feel good, of course, but if we’re in a healthy, stable place, we can probably talk ourselves off the ledge. Not everyone is going to understand us, or see us clearly or dig our vibe, and that’s okay. It really is. Also, if a person is rude or haughty or demeaning or demanding, that’s a reflection of where they are on their own path, it’s not a reflection of anything lacking in us. But if we’re suffering from low self-esteem, if we’re having a hard time believing we’re worthy of happiness and love and peace, then feeling rejected by someone, even a stranger, can set us on the run. We might think if we can just convince this person that we’re actually amazing, then we’ll feel better. But the minute you’re in that kind of power struggle with another person (even if they have no idea it’s happening), you’re doomed. Because you aren’t going to be your authentic self. You’re going to be jumping around, chasing them down, waving your arms and dancing like a monkey to show how great you are. And that’s going to make you feel sick, as it should. Why should that make you feel sick? Because it’s the worst kind of betrayal; it’s the betrayal of self. It is never, ever your job to sell yourself. If someone is dismissive or unkind or unsure about whether they want to give you their time and energy, move along.

Sometimes we pick unavailable people because we have deep fear of intimacy. We think if we open and trust, we’ll surely be hurt, so we choose people who can’t commit. That’s not the only reason we might chase people who don’t have the capacity or interest to take us in, in all our entirety, with all our flaws and beauty and occasional absurdity. Sometimes a thing starts out hot and strong and we get swept up in the intensity and fall in love, only to find when the lust/dust clears, that we’ve chosen someone who could only give us their all in the beginning. And now, maybe we stay because we think this person is capable of being present and hot for us, and fully “in it”, because they displayed that when we started. So we wait and hope that person will show up again. But hormones and the frenzy of something new do not add up to true intimacy. That takes time, and fearlessness and commitment, and a willingness to look at our own raw, unhealed places. Not everyone is up to that, and not everyone wants to do that kind of work. But when we’re in love, we tend to excuse behavior that hurts, because we hope. We hope and we hope, and time passes, and we feel smaller and smaller, and more and more hurt. We feel rejected by this person who once seemed so into us. And we can’t understand how that could be, so we stay and we try and we bend over backwards and see if we can be perfect or different or better, or we see if we can accept what little is being offered, and somehow be okay with it. This is not a healthy scene, and it isn’t good for your heart.

People change and grow, but it’s never our job to manage anyone else’s path. People are ready if and when they’re ready, and it isn’t loving to try to manipulate or force or control an outcome that we want, but our partner or friend or family member does not. Love is accepting, and sometimes that means you have to accept that what you want is just not what someone else wants, and you have to let it go, even though it hurts like hell. Because the alternative is not livable or sustainable. You can’t allow your light to be dimmed and your spirit to be crushed, and expect that life will feel good, or that you’ll blossom the way you could. Maybe your paths will cross in the future, or maybe something else will unfold that you never could have imagined. It’s impossible to know. But one thing you can know is that you have to be you. You really can’t compromise on that. You can make adjustments, and work with the people you love so you can coexist harmoniously, so you can respect one another’s needs and space and dreams and necessary solitude. But you can’t try to be something other than who you are, because there’s only one of you. I don’t know if I can get across how amazing that is, but there are roughly seven billion people on this planet, and yet, we only get one you, for one blaze of time. Don’t let rejection be your hook. Really, you don’t have time for that. Let inspiration be your hook. Let that be the thing that sets you off running to show what you’ve got, not because you have anything to prove, or any doubt to undo, but because you have so much to give. Sending you love, Ally Hamilton

So... you're 36 and have had 20 relationships? That's plenty. You're not lacking in relationships at all.

And guess what? Out of all of the relationships I've been in where I was broken up with? Never, not once, have I been given a reason. Most people who break up with someone are too cowardly to actually respect the person who trusted them.

I had to go and reread the post. I saw 6 but not the 29. 6 serious, but involved with TWENTY! at 36. I always thought I had way too many men, embarrassingly too many, not everyone was a serious relationship but still). But 20 by the age of 36!!!! Wow! The guy is popular!!!
Where would one even find that many partners???!

Frankly sometimes it is impossible to give a reason if it is short term dating. Like you don't love the person. You aren't feeling it. They are annoying the heck out of you. How do you say that?

With one exception I left every relationship myself ( not because I am a beyotch but because they are always so unavailable that and un reliable nothing bothered them in relationship) I always told them the reason. Well it was always pretty much the same.

I was dumped once, we only dated few months, he met someone else, she was 20 years older than him lol they didn't stay together for too long, she dumped him lol

Sometimes if it was short relationship id rather not know the reason. If you two were commited and or lived together or it was long terms then of course explanation is needed.



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