When I say people don't like me, I mean the very large majority of people. Those who like me also eventually turn their backs on me, too. I can say for the most part that I no longer deal with depression, and I'm not getting too upset over this. However, it's affecting my life, and I just want answers.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I still feel no closer to the truth than years ago. People often just flat out get angry at me, are happy to take their anger out on me, don't like and even act disgusted when I try to befriend them, and casually ignore me. I know what you may be thinking: oh, I must be a really terrible person to be treated this way. However, I don't think that's the case here. People often tell me how sweet and polite I am. I smile often and more often than not make the first move to talk to someone. It still makes little difference.

I've been telling myself it's all in my head for a very long time, but I think it's time for me to stop and face reality. I feel like there's some unspoken code that everyone except me knows.

Some hints might be that I'm called, "weird," I'm not materialistic, I don't gossip or judge people on petty things, people say I'm intelligent and mature, I'm admittedly more paranoid than the average person when it comes to certain things, and I'm shy.

Thank you for your time reading this.

[healingme4me]

Sweet, polite, weird are the three descriptors to go on. People getting angry and taking it out on you, is the other piece of information.
Are these people coworkers? Same church? Same hobby group? Same country club?
Are they too busy with their own lives? I'm not certain why others turn their backs on you

Thank you, healingme4me. They are coworkers, classmates, people in public, friends of friends, and so on. It just has to be me somehow. I also feel a little guilty calling myself kind, since how could I be and still be like this? Plus, it's not right to call yourself kind. I'm in my early twenties, but would that make a difference? I think people can get confused by my behavior because I act different than the average young woman my age, but that may not be significant.

I have a feeling it has to do with being "weird." I just can't see it. I wonder if I should get myself tested for aspergers syndrome, since I have trouble perceiving my own behavior. Plus, I speak very politely and proper.

I wrote another long post in the past asking if it has to do with just other woman, but I'm not so sure it's gender-related anymore.

I can't notice any reasons people become angry or distant with me, but I watch it slowly happen, and trying to talk to them seems to make it worse. Sometimes I'll look over and catch someone giving me a nasty look for no reason.

I know that people can have very different reactions to the same person, but when many people act like this, I just start to wonder.

I'll try to not pay it much attention.

[Magora]

My husband says this all that time, that he doesn't think people like him.
But I know my husband to be sweet, patient, loyal, smart, funny, helpful, strong... I'm going to get annoying if I keep that list going. My point is this - he notices the people who don't like him more than the people who do. You say "the very large majority of people" so I'm taking that to mean there are some people who like you. Try to spend more time around them and take the time to mentally note that these people exist - even if you have to force yourself to do so. Some brains get trained to focus on the negative, but through cognitive repetition, they can start new pathways.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

When I say people don't like me, I mean the very large majority of people. Those who like me also eventually turn their backs on me, too. I can say for the most part that I no longer deal with depression, and I'm not getting too upset over this. However, it's affecting my life, and I just want answers.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I still feel no closer to the truth than years ago. People often just flat out get angry at me, are happy to take their anger out on me, don't like and even act disgusted when I try to befriend them, and casually ignore me. I know what you may be thinking: oh, I must be a really terrible person to be treated this way. However, I don't think that's the case here. People often tell me how sweet and polite I am. I smile often and more often than not make the first move to talk to someone. It still makes little difference.

I've been telling myself it's all in my head for a very long time, but I think it's time for me to stop and face reality. I feel like there's some unspoken code that everyone except me knows.

Some hints might be that I'm called, "weird," I'm not materialistic, I don't gossip or judge people on petty things, people say I'm intelligent and mature, I'm admittedly more paranoid than the average person when it comes to certain things, and I'm shy.

Thank you for your time reading this.

I hope this helps. Do you say things like "I'm not materialistic, I don't gossip or judge people on petty things" to others in conversation? If you do, that might be coming across as judgmental and accusatory; especially if you say them right after someone else says, "Oh, Judy looks like she's gained a little weight" or "I just bought a new car, and I love it!" I understand why you wrote it here, but if you say what your wrote here in conversation it takes on a different tone.

Also, let me share these with you and you see if any of it resonates.

I was friendly with a rather shy-appearing woman. Before too long, though, she flooded me with her very strongly held opinions and her interests and wasn't the least bit interested in mine. When something upsetting happened to one of my coworkers, she responded with making jokes.

Another person I know stands far too close and also has extremely strong viewpoints that I don't share, yet she is not interested in my views. I don't want someone I barely know standing inches away from my face.

Someone else I know assumes all conversations are directed at her and she interjects herself angrily and shrilly into the discussion until the rest of us all drift away.

The best way for you to find out what is really going on in your situation is to ask someone you trust to tell you how she or he sees it and why and/or to go to a therapist who can help you on interpersonal relations.

If you want to start more slowly, you might try checking out books on communication, getting along with others, and how to make friends from your local library.

Thank you for your thoughts, Magora and IceCreamKid. I know you two are trying to help, and I really appreciate it!

Magora, maybe you're right. Maybe I focus too much on people who don't like me. I do expect people to not like me, so maybe I should try to change my thinking. You're husband sounds very sweet, though, so I don't see why many wouldn't like him.

IceCreamKid, I also don't enjoy people who act like you have described. I've met people who seemed shy and quiet, like myself, only to find out later on that they have a very harsh personality I didn't mesh with. My personality is more "soft."

I don't tell people I'm not materialistic or give strong opinions in front of people, so I don't think that counts for me. I just mentioned it here because compared to the discussions of most people I listen to, I don't enjoy materialism as much, but is that such a bad thing? I'm okay with materialism, since other people have the full right to be as materialistic as they want, as long as they aren't hurting anyone else. I could disagree with those who are materialistic, but I won't lose respect for them. I really mentioned it because it seems to be a large part of conversations I hear.

I do have some social intelligence, and I can easily see how putting someone down after they bring up something cheerful would be upsetting. If anything, I think I'm sometimes on the receiving end of strong opinions, rather than the reverse. I do tread lightly around other people's feelings, and I've been told I do. I'm also not saying this as a way to brag or because I think this is very true of myself.

I keep many of my strong opinions to myself, and I understand that there are always differences between people. I don't have many strong opinions, actually, since my strongest beliefs and opinions have been challenged and changed throughout my life, but maybe people don't like that? I don't anger easily, and I don't feel a need to fight any opinions I agree with. I agree that someone who does can be annoying sometimes, but I don't think this fits my description either.

Even if someone doesn't have an interest I enjoy, I still try to talk about it with them, and don't try to act like it's unimportant in any way, just so I don't bring them down.

I do stand too close to people sometimes, and then again, I sometimes stand too far away. No one has ever mentioned how close I stand before, so I'm not too sure I have a problem with this. I don't do this on purpose. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and then become aware of my spatial surroundings. It's harder for me to focus on small things like where I'm standing when I'm nervous.

I don't interject myself in conversations often, and I don't get angry often either. I know, it's difficult to tell if I have an accurate description of myself, since I'm already admitting people don't like me.

Something strange did come from this that I'd like to understand. I noticed, IceCreamKid, that you're examples of people you have known who I might be like are rather annoying or angering, even though I haven't shown any signs yet of being like those people. Could this mean that despite my effort to be a polite, kind person, I may actually be the focus of projection by people who think something must be wrong with me? Meaning, when people see I don't act normal or I don't have a lot of friends, they may come up with reasons to believe why I'm not a good person to be around? I'm actually being honest here. You're right though that I should ask people I know about the way I act. I'll try doing that, and see what they say.

Another thing I've learned is that I'm sensitive and sometimes hurt, even though I keep it hidden. This could be affecting the way people treat me.

I ask people here why people don't like me because I'm too scared to ask offline. After all, telling someone that people don't like you is like admitting you must be a terrible person, and I'm terrified of that prospect. Being a nice person is what makes me feel like myself. If someone came up and told me that all this time I was a terrible person to be around, it'd be like the Earth being pulled from under me. Also, I just can't agree that I'm not a nice person because so much of me believes that I am. I put a lot of effort into being kind and understanding. Maybe I'm expecting too much from others, and that no matter how much kindness flows out from me, I shouldn't expect any in return because kindness should be a gift, and not a trade.

Thank you so much for your replies, though . I'd like to hear more insights on this, if anyone has something else to add.

[Bill3]

I wonder if you would be willing to share some details about situations in which people got angry with you, or disgusted with you, or casually ignored you. Thanks!

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

Thank you for your thoughts, Magora and IceCreamKid. I know you two are trying to help, and I really appreciate it!

...
Thank you so much for your replies, though . I'd like to hear more insights on this, if anyone has something else to add.

So, since you don't do the obvious things that annoy people, I think what you may be experiencing is… you're interpreting what people are doing as dislike--specifically--for you (even when it most likely isn't) and you've likely run into some aggressive people who treat you the way they treat most people (but I am guessing they avoid the ones who would give them a poke in the snoot for their nasty behavior).

How do you feel about yourself overall--not in relation to others--but internally, just about yourself? One thing I do to help me get through the day at a very stressful work environment is as I am walking towards the building I think of something wonderful and I end up walking into the building with a smile on my face. Would you try coming up with 5 positive things you like about yourself, and saying them every morning? And also try purposefully thinking about something you find joyful as you approach what might otherwise be a place where you have encountered these people?

P.S. You're not a terrible person. Truly terrible people don't care if others think they are terrible.

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

When I say people don't like me, I mean the very large majority of people. Those who like me also eventually turn their backs on me, too. I can say for the most part that I no longer deal with depression, and I'm not getting too upset over this. However, it's affecting my life, and I just want answers.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I still feel no closer to the truth than years ago. People often just flat out get angry at me, are happy to take their anger out on me, don't like and even act disgusted when I try to befriend them, and casually ignore me. I know what you may be thinking: oh, I must be a really terrible person to be treated this way. However, I don't think that's the case here. People often tell me how sweet and polite I am. I smile often and more often than not make the first move to talk to someone. It still makes little difference.

I've been telling myself it's all in my head for a very long time, but I think it's time for me to stop and face reality. I feel like there's some unspoken code that everyone except me knows.

Some hints might be that I'm called, "weird," I'm not materialistic, I don't gossip or judge people on petty things, people say I'm intelligent and mature, I'm admittedly more paranoid than the average person when it comes to certain things, and I'm shy.

Thank you for your time reading this.

people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Do you like yourself? Why does it matter if so many people like you? work on liking yourself then finding the few who will actually like you. People don't even like themselves, why should that like you? Why lose sleep over the likes of other beings. .. you can't control that really.

I'm guessing this if the other side of loneliness. Why befriend people, why not let them befriend you? Why try so hard? Better yet, let it just fall into place.

Let's assess ourselves to ensure we don't display a doormat personality. I'm guessing some people are gonna be doormats but if you are try to fake your way out of it. Add some steel to your demeanor. Maybe list your life priorities, focus on them daily. Don't allow the priorities to revolve around making friends. Keep your manners though, that's arare enough trait.

Thank you for all your replies. I think I'm getting to the bottom of this problem.

For examples: I'll ask someone a question, and they'll just continue staring forward as though I didn't. I try asking them again, and they continue to stare away from me. I wonder if they just didn't hear me, but someone else will come up and talk and they'll answer them. Sometimes people I don't know except for their name will say something hurtful about me, almost always to a large group, as though there's some unspoken general dislike for me carried in each others' attitudes towards me. I don't have any close friends, although I'm not home bound, and I admit that I'm lonely, if that means something. Sometimes I'll just walk up and talk to someone I've barely been acquainted with, and they'll just stare at me angrily and give short, cold answers to what I say. It's just that I seem to be treated so differently than how everyone else is treated. I'll meet someone and they'll seem not very happy or pleased, but then they'll talk to someone else who they also don't know and suddenly they look so happy. I remember once going to buy something and the person at the counter went from happy to a frown the moment they saw me, even though they've never met me before. To tell the truth, no one has ever told me this in real life, but I think I have this "shell-shocked" look and act about me, even when I'm smiling. I can sense it coming from myself. I try so hard to not be nervous, and still push myself to go out and talk to people, so it appears in places I don't notice, I think.

Thank you IceCreamKid. I've heard people tell me quite a lot in the past that I'd be easy to walk all over because I act "gentle." It is really hard for me to be assertive. I'll try thinking happier thoughts in those situations.

About how I feel about myself and how I feel about others, I can say it's easy to admit that I think I'm lesser than other people, but I still like myself, if that makes any sense. I've grown so comfortable to seeing myself as a wholly different creature to everyone else that it doesn't seem to upset me anymore. Well, it's easy to understand why I don't think I'm as good as everyone else. I was bullied for many years from many different people, and my parents were distant and aggressive. I don't think I've ever had closure from that, and I'm not sure I ever could. I feel like I'm not worth other people's time, and I don't even have a right to say no or expect anything from anyone. I just say no and tell people what I want so I don't weird anyone out or don't get taken advantage of.

I agree that I don't let people befriend me easily. I feel so uncomfortable when people do try to befriend me. I'm worried they're just trying to find ways to attack me later on, which I've experienced before, or that they'll not like me. I don't push them away, but I stall because I don't know how to bring them closer. I've never had many friends before, to be honest.

I really shouldn't focus so much on needing friends or people liking me. I think the fact that I focus on it highlights other issues I probably need to deal with, so thank you for bringing this up.

I do need to stop being a doormat, and it's tricky because I see that as my main use. I think my past has caused me to not see myself as important, but only as important as how I can be useful to other people. It's probably pretty messed up to an outside observer.

Thank you all again.

[Gavinandnikki]

I think you sound like a very nice person. Really! You are insightful and intelligent.

I also think you may be projecting a lot of your fears onto people. This makes it very difficult to interpret interpersonal interactions.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Therapy is a safe place to explore these feelings and can be very helpful in sorting these type of things out.

[Gentle Lamb]

Hi Breeze~Day,

Your post jumped out at me, because I too live with this same exasperating situation! I like you have also racked my brain in a desperate attempt to figure out what "is wrong with me" scenario. Like you it is family, friends, church folk, strangers, mostly women (with them I cannot win), and the guys well I gel with them much better, but they are forever taking me wrong (I want to be just friends, they want more).

And then there is the Aspergers (of which I am certain that I have, though I'm not offically diagnosed). The way you told your story it was as if you were writing about me! Girl, you and I relate big time! So with that said honey, I know what you are going through because I am going through it also. You are in your 20's and I am 63, yes it is a big gap in age, but the pain is the same, "it hurts to be rejected and treated as if you are a nothing a no body at any age!

I do not have any answers for you but I can relate to you and tell you that hear you and understand what it is that you are saying. I will not try to fix you, how can I when I cannot even fix myself. I hope that this helps even if it is just a little bit.

Hello Gavinandnikki, thank you. Maybe it is my own projection. I think going to a therapist would help. I've tried twice, but I got scared and didn't go back. Maybe I should try again.

Gentle Lamb, although I'm sad to hear you're going through this too, I'm glad in a way that it's not just me! It's actually a big relief. What you explained does sound like me too! It's mostly women as well who are the coldest, but I've been thinking that maybe men are just normally more inclined to be attracted to a woman and treat her nicer solely because of that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I avoid male friendships. Do you think we just pick up on small things that most people don't notice, and so it makes us more uncomfortable? Or maybe it's because we are slightly more paranoid than the average person? Also, I'm always "cheerful" and always try to be friendly with everyone, even if they've been angry with me, even though my inner world can be very dark. Do you get this way too? It feels like to me that I'm forever never able to fit in, like a zebra in a herd of horses.

I also have wondered if I have Aspergers... I wonder if I could just go up to a therapist and ask if they can find out if I have it ? It would explain a lot about me. Some people have mentioned that I act like I do because I act awkward. I've looked up "disorders" in desperation before to find if I fit anything, including Aspergers Syndrome. I have to admit, I don't think I fit the asperger's category, which was sad for me because if I did, I might finally have a reason for being different. I found out I fit something called "Schizotypical personality disorder" like a glove after reading about it, but I would need to be diagnosed as such for me to believe that I do entirely. Edit: I just looked up more about it online, and it seems I don't entirely. My thinking isn't entirely magical. Although I'm very logical, I do think of souls and other "magical" things possibly happening, but I don't believe it entirely. Also, I do show emotion on my face, but it's often an act and sometimes not appropriate. I just wonder why I am the way I am?

Hang in there, though! I'm on your side with this, and understand how it is.

[eskielover]

My ex-H had problems like that. He was a nice person basically & he had a very high IQ but he was only smart in some areas & he had an attitude issue that would come across at times like he thought he was smarter than other people. He didn't think there was anything wrong with his humor....he would say something that many times was a sarcastic comment & he would laugh at himself though no one else was laughing he never noticed because he was laughing. He was good at doing nice things for people because it was the right thing to do, but there was never any emotional connection with the doing of those things.

He never had any friends after the high school guys he had been somewhat friends with but he was more friends with them then they were with him. I hadn't really thought much about it until after I left (stuck in the marriage for 33 years)....but the only friend/acquaintances we had in our marriage were those people that I connected with. It wasn't until last year about 7 years after I left him that I was reading through a book on symptoms of Asperger's & it described 100 % of everything that I was dealing with including his picky eating.

I couldn't figure out how someone who was a nice person could come across making me feel like I was in an abusive marriage. There were times when I would say something to him & he would look at me like I was talking in a foreign language so I would try to use different words to try to get through to him.....I started to think after so many years that it was me, but other people understood me. Many times when I asked him why he did something I would either get the comment "I don't know" or he would totally ignore me.

When he would get into conversations with others, he was pretty much in his own world with his own thoughts & he actually had a difficult time communicating with other people but he wasn't aware of the problem. He thought nothing of making a comment that had nothing to do with the conversation that was being discussed & when asked about it later, he commented to me that he didn't know anything about what was being discussed, so he commented about the weather but didn't see anything odd about what he did himself or even when I pointed it out.

There can be so many things that can cause the issues you describe....might be good to read about Asperger's & maybe take an online test to see if there is a possibility. If you have a therapist, you might want to discuss it with your T. & maybe they can even to an analysis for you to help you understand what is causing the concerns you are having.

Thank you for your insights, eskilover. I sort of think your ex-husband doesn't sound like a nice person since he had an "attitude issue." He sounds kind of passive aggressive to me, from what you wrote here. I think we're all smart in only some areas, so that wouldn't be a good reason to think they're smarter than everyone else. I don't really understand, did he really think he was smarter, or did the strange way he acted convey that message? Laughing at your own joke sounds a little strange. Was it his social ineptitude, or was he being self-centered? I have to admit that I think most people do something kind because it's the right thing to do, rather than because they really want to help. Some people don't help at all. Some people, though, do help because they really care. I'm sorry if he really did have asperger's syndrome, and it sounds like it was difficult to deal with. I've read other stories on this forum of spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends of those with aspergers syndrome, and how hard it is. If that was the case, he may not have been rude or mean because he was being belligerent, but because he couldn't understand or help it, but I understand it's not my place to say.

By the way eskielover, do you see some comparison between me and your ex-husband, or are you mentioning this as possible explanations? If you do see some comparisons, please let me know. I'm anonymous on here, so I'll try to not take it personally, and it would help me to understand and resolve or live with the issues I'm having.

In comparing this to myself, I think I personally waver between helping others because I want to make things better for them, and sometimes because its the right thing to do. I also am in my own little world, but I don't seem to have the social difficulties you listed that your ex-husband had. For example, I never would interject in the middle of an ongoing discussion a random statement like the weather. I have a pretty good feel for conversations, and I feel I'm usually automatically pulled out of them through subtle direction changes. People say I'm perceptive about other people, and I'm mentioning what other people say about me rather than myself to avoid misjudging my actions.

I've actually taken some Aspergers tests online, and after those and reading through the symptoms, I just don't fit. I don't have any strong interests in certain things since childhood, my interests vary, my talents are more diverse than centered around a few particular things, sometimes I can actually carry on a good conversation if it's with the "right" person for some reason, and I have no problems with eye contact and reading facial expressions. I do fit certain things, like being a picky eater and being socially awkward, but I know there are many other things that cause social awkwardness. I wouldn't be surprised if I have a mental disorder causing my issues, and I do think I suffer from some paranoia, although not very illogical or debilitating.

You did bring something to mind. People have told me that I talk like I'm very smart, or like I make them feel stupid. I'm not happy with this, and some people are okay with it, but I'm sure there are as just as many people who aren't. I talk in a stilted, strange manner that sounds like I'm trying to speak "intelligently," and I'm very logical, not because I'm trying to be smart, but because I hold on to my logic as a way to keep me calm and not get scared of the unknown. Some people I've met who act in this way I do were very different from me, and acted the way I do for different reasons, usually as an effort to be assertive or seem intelligent. I started becoming very logical during a period when a family member was abusing me almost daily for about five years straight. I felt very lonely, and shut out my feelings. I've never been the same since, and I was already unusual before that happened. That's just an explanation, and people who meet me don't already know anything about me. They see someone being strictly logical, and it probably comes off pretentious. I haven't thought about that for a while, since acting that way comes naturally to me.

I really hope I can find the reason for people see me so strangely. I think I'll try therapy again. I think the root of the problem is being "weird," as I've been called, but only if it was more specific. I don't want to be disliked by these people offline anymore for reasons I can't even see. It's so frustrating and unfair, to both me and the people I deal with. However, maybe it's also not as bad as I think, and even if I act strange, I don't want to lose chances of friendship with people who don't mind my weirdness. Also, it may be me projecting my fears on other people to some extent as well, and those who do act upset with me affirm those beliefs.

[avlady]

i am sorry you feel this way, i also at one point in my life felt how you do. i was a doormat, and had to learn new skills through therapy to not become one. it does help to get your feelings out with a t and maybe you can get some meds for your anxiety. you are not a bad person and shouldn't think you are.

[Bill3]

I just wonder why I am the way I am?

I think I'll try therapy again.

You mentioned schizotypal personality disorder. My thought would be to see a psychiatrist and find out what they think of that possibility.

[-jimi-]

I have a quite recent friend who wants to be loved by everyone and asks me constantly why no one likes her. She is quite obviously autistic, and I tell her that us spectrum people are simply not liked. She doesn't get it. She wonders what to do different, like she can change something minor or a set of details and that would change everything. I try not to be too brutal but say in a nice way that really cannot be expected.

So why are we not liked? I think the MAIN thing is that we're simply TOO MUCH WORK. We're not easy going, we do not radiate energy at people. They have to invest energy in us and they do not like it. People like when they can talk to you and you react in a predictable way. That means, the more normal you are, the more popular you are. Being popular has less to do with kindness. People do not like when they have to invest energy to understand you.

I try to convince my friend it is not NEEDED to be liked by everyone. I think she should put more effort into her friends and less in strangers. But she is very sensitive and cries because she is not liked. Being gloomy does not make her MORE popular, it really scares people away.

[eskielover]

By the way eskielover, do you see some comparison between me and your ex-husband, or are you mentioning this as possible explanations? If you do see some comparisons, please let me know.

No comparison other than you have problems relating to others & having friends...so just threw out the things that were causes in ex-H's example......for you to see if there were any similarities knowing yourself & how you relate to others & the experiences YOU have.

Glad they don't fit & that you have found that other aspects of Asperger's doesn't fit because it's something that is life long, not just at a certain period of time in one's life.

I am sure you will sort it out.....& if all else fails, when you feel you are having a problem, analyze the situation, think of what you would do different the next time & use it as a learning situation. Sometimes that's the best way for us to learn how to better interface with people.

Thank you all. I took note of everything you said. -jimi-, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I am a lot of work to most people who want someone easy to befriend. There's probably not much I can do to make myself appear like "less work," and it wouldn't do to have a strong facade of being one, since I would turn out to be a "faker." I do occasionally run into people who really like the way I act, although very few and far between, who find me disarming or thoughtful. So, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up too much over unpopularity, and just learn to befriend those who like me.

I also wish finding people who I could talk to, or even friends, was easier. I do get a little envious seeing everyone else treated normally. But I can't understand others well, and I think they can't understand me, so I'll try not to begrudge others and learn to be understanding that I'm just "different." I think people pick me out in anger sometimes because they're upset that I'm not acting in a normal, expected way when they're stressed. Therapy sounds like a good option for me.