[EglantineRose]

So I’ve been talking to this guy online for about seven months now- quite a while. We’ve never met and only spoke on the phone once. I’m 22. I met him by accident in September trying to give him advice, and somehow we’ve ended up talking for a few months. Lately though I haven’t been happy with talking to him. I will try to talk to him through text or e-mail, and then he won’t respond and then later he will tell me he fell asleep or make up some other kind of excuse. He also tells me often that he has a very busy life, etc. and wishes he had the time but has too many responsibilities. At times he has just ignored me when I’ve tried to talk to him as well. He was very distant for a while and then apologized for it, saying he was too busy and upset because we couldn’t meet yet (we live sort of far apart). Lately I’ve just been frustrated by this entire situation. I’ve told him many times out of frustration that I just want this to be over (including tonight), and now I really do think I want this to be over. I really do like talking to him and care about him, but we have a lot of differences as well. He drinks, I don’t. I am in university- he went to college but didn’t complete high school, and even though I appreciate his honesty, he doesn’t have a very good past to say the least (he made bad lifestyle decisions- I occasionally use this against him even though I shouldn’t. I can tell he’s had his own struggles in life, I don’t know why though). He’s far from perfect (he’s said a few things that I thought were inappropriate at times even), but I’m not perfect either, just in different ways, and yet I know I could probably be with a different kind of person given my lifestyle and goals. I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship (I only found out on January that I likely have BPD and some other things) and sometimes I wonder if the reason I talk to him still is because I have nobody else I can communicate with on a regular basis. I have no friends, I have never dated because my depression and anxiety have been so severe over the past few years. Anyways, this is really bothering me. It shouldn’t because we’ve never even met and it’s difficult to say if this would work out anyways. I get so frustrated that sometimes I will literally send 10 text messages in a row saying I want it to end. I think we have both done things to upset each other at times. Part of me just wants to walk away, especially knowing I could eventually find someone more suitable for me.

[kaliope]

well from your post it seem pretty clear that there is not much about this guy that you find attractive to continue corresponding with him. i think you hit the nail on the head with your bpd making it hard to let go. without friends or other prospects you will be alone and who wants that? so ask yourself if the frustration of dealing with him going to make you feel worse than the idea of being alone and seeking new friendships. the healthier choice is to let him go. but it is really up to you.

[~Christina]

Are you in treatment for your BPD, Meds of course don't do much of anything for Borderline , but DBT is good.

As for this fellow. I would just back away, People meet and chat for days weeks and months online and may never know who that other person really is. That's just the reality.

Work on building your self esteem and calming the bpd and then actually look for a relationship , sure you can start just chatting , but someone you can actually met in person and spend face time with.

good luck

[Rose76]

[QUOTE=EglantineRose;4384512 I wonder if the reason I talk to him still is because I have nobody else I can communicate with on a regular basis [/QUOTE]

The answer to that is, "Yes." Try to build connections to people in real life. You are using the Internet in a way that will only harm you. If at all possible, get into therapy, with the goal of learning to connect socially in real life.

[EglantineRose]

I agree, it isn't very healthy. This is something I never would have done before and I don't know why I started doing it, or why I feel like it would be so hard to let go. I think about this all of the time and it's so frustrating. It's hard because I don't know this person, and yet we've both shared a lot about our lives with one another. If I let go it would be very hard, and yet at the same time I feel miserable because of this. I never would have trusted someone enough to talk to them over the internet a few months ago. One positive about this might be that, by communicating with him, I've realized how lonely I really am (which I didn't realize before) which might motivate me to try to meet people in real life. I haven't really known what to do about this since we started talking, and even though I didn't even want to consider a relationship (I still have a lot of things to work on) I ended up developing feelings for him a couple of months into talking. I'm actually supposed to talk to him on the phone tomorrow, and then after that, I'm not really sure. I might just try to avoid him and try to focus on other things. Luckily I'm looking for work, trying to plan my post-secondary education for next year, etc., so I'll be busy anyways. I haven't been in treatment for BPD yet. I am hoping to find some kind of counseling, but my doctor hasn't been very helpful so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it yet.

[EglantineRose]

Thank you all for the advice by the way.

[Rose76]

The feelings you say you've developed. They aren't really for him. They are for who you would like him to be. You don't know him . . . not much at all. This guy is probably a lot weirder than you have any idea.

Join some group doing some activity that you could get a little interested in and meet some people through. Your spending way too much time alone. No good will come of it.

[EglantineRose]

That's true, he probably is. Ha-ha.

Actually a group just started in my community through a mental health organization. It is intended for people in their 20's. They meet for coffee weekly and also have a yoga class starting. It would be nice to go to this to meet people who may be in a similar situation and to maybe make friends.

It can be hard for me to go places just because I always feel so depressed, and also, my health isn't very good. As far as I know nothing is seriously wrong with me, I just always feel sort of off and not very well. Lately it's been cold-like symptoms- feeling warm, tired, stomach aches, irritable, so it's difficult and my doctor won't give me any advice on how to fix this or how to improve my mental health. It's very frustrating.

[Trippin2.0]

I usually feel sick or in physical pain when I'm depressed... If your symptoms overlap, it may be worth looking into.


Also, sometimes if we're lucky, the ill feelings disappear once we actually manage to get out and about and put effort into enjoying ourselves.


Well that's my personal experience anyway.


As for the guy, you know he's got to go, maybe a change in perception is called for?


I'm personally a big fan of those.


So instead of "he's all I have, I'll be all alone" how about trying "he's not even real, I'm alone right now any way"....


I have BPD, so I'm not assuming my suggestions or anyone's are a piece of cake, but the effort is definitely worth the pay off.

[divine1966]

I feel sick when I am anxious about something that I refuse to address. For me it is finances and men. When i feel sick it means something needs to be addressed ASAP

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[Rose76]

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

That's true, he probably is. Ha-ha.

Actually a group just started in my community through a mental health organization. It is intended for people in their 20's. They meet for coffee weekly and also have a yoga class starting. It would be nice to go to this to meet people who may be in a similar situation and to maybe make friends.

It can be hard for me to go places just because I always feel so depressed, and also, my health isn't very good. As far as I know nothing is seriously wrong with me, I just always feel sort of off and not very well. Lately it's been cold-like symptoms- feeling warm, tired, stomach aches, irritable, so it's difficult and my doctor won't give me any advice on how to fix this or how to improve my mental health. It's very frustrating.

That group you describe is exactly what you need to hook up with. Do so, and make a commitment to stick with it, even though it may take awhile to get to know others in the group.

Being depressed is a huge impediment to going places for sure. And there is no way to change that other than to make yourself get out there. The symptoms you describe don't reflect health that "isn't very good." They reflect a lifestyle that isn't very good. That's why there isn't much your doctor can do to address the things you mention. You have to do it. Being depressed is making you tired. It's affecting your digestion, which is leading to stomach aches. It it making you irritable. There is not a medical "fix" for all this. The fix is to live a healthier lifestyle. That means getting up from the keyboard and going out into the world to be part of life.

Maybe your doctor could recommend a counselor to you. Then you could start therapy, and you could spend a few hours per month in the therapist's office talking about how you need to change your lifestyle. I've been there, done that. A much quicker fix can be to skip the middle man and make the changes that need to be made. People get mired down in therapy for ages, as I did myself, and it ends up leading to nothing more than the person getting very dependent upon the therapist as their only meaningful connection to another person. You start to think that you need to see your T to process everything that happens in your life. Your life starts to revolve around this relationship, which will never be a true friendship.

Find a therapist, if you can, but know that you are the person who has to solve your situation. To spend all your time pining away for your next visit to your T is no solution to loneliness. Get involved in something.

[EglantineRose]

I would definitely like to start going more places, including the group.

So I had an argument with the guy. I got mad at him because I told him I'm going through a difficult time and I'm not sure if I want us to be friends or date, and that I needed some time to think. His response was "whatever, I'll live" which upset me so we had an argument. I have gone back and fourth about where I want this to go many times because I just don't know. Anyways, he called me a "crazy person" which really upset me, so I blocked him/deleted his phone number etc. I told him today that I needed a break to think about this, and he said ok.

Part of me really hopes that during the time I don't talk to him I realize I don't need him and don't want this to go any further, yet I still like him. I even feel unusual not talking to him in a day because it's like I'm dependent on our conversations to feel normal. And yet I'm unhappy with this. I've been mad at him so often and we've fought a lot over the past few months. I can't believe I'm in a situation like this- I never would have done this a couple of years ago. I wouldn't have spoken to him a couple of years ago, and this whole situation makes me feel bad at times, yet I struggle to walk away.

Part of me wants to meet him, part of me wants this to end. I should know better because I could probably be in a relationship with someone different who I'd be better with, but just stopping this is hard. I've never been through that before. And some of his questions have been so inappropriate too (I don't know if he realizes this or not) like asking me if I would "come visit him" in his hotel room if he comes to visit me. Does anyone think that is very inappropriate to expect on a first meeting? He says it's because he "feels like he knows me already." Why am I putting up with stuff like that? That's not right at all. I haven't been a very nice person but I don't ask questions like that. I'm way smarter than this. I feel like an idiot right now though.

[healingme4me]

He's probably married, anyways.

I'm rather disappointed that your doctor has no advice.

And

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[divine1966]

If he hasn't met you in 7 months or at least has not made serious plans., he never will. He isn't planning on meeting. Time to move on

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[Rose76]

Thus guy keeps hanging around and getting inappropriate because you leave him a big opening to do so. Stop telling him that you need a break and aren't sure about this and that. That's a bunch of stalling around. This man has zero interest in being "your friend." He is pursuing you for sex. That's what he wants. He's probably in contact with other women in hopes of a sexual hookup. If your answer is no to the sex, then say that. You have never been on a date with this man, and he's probably not ever going to invite you on a real date. He's creepy, whuch you know yourself. Stop heming and hawing, which encourages him to hang around.

Get up from the keyboard and go out into real life. What you need is out there.

[EglantineRose]

It's actually me that keeps putting off meeting. He has wanted to meet for months. I'm not sure why I've put it off for so long. I even told him I didn't want to meet until June. Maybe because I'm really stressed out with things going on in my life, maybe because I don't feel well/am depressed. Part of it is that I keep going back and fourth about if I even want to meet him.

I know, I can't believe I'm in this position.

[EglantineRose]

He probably is a creep. I don't know why I've been hanging on for so long. Maybe it's because I've been too tired and depressed to go out into the real world (luckily my doctor finally did something and changed my medication) and I don't want to form any more online connections. I guess part of me can't recognize that there are better people out there to form connections in general with than this guy. I'm so used to talking to him, and he kind of got me started doing this because I felt sympathetic towards him and thought it was interesting how he was sharing his life story with me . A lot of it I believe, but there are other things (he claimed that he got hit by a car, which I'm not sure is true or not) that I have no idea about. And when I spoke to him on the phone he spoke so fast he barely gave me a chance to talk. And his spelling is horrible. He spells "to" as "too" all of the time and it drives me insane (I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but he doesn't have the same level of education that I have). When I first met him, he sent me some of his rap songs that he recorded himself (which sounded really cheap and I hated but said were good). What is my problem? Do I just have really low self-esteem or something after being by myself for so long? The thought that I would be settling has crossed my mind so many times, yet I don't want to be someone who doesn't connect to
others because of differences that are insignificant. Even he told me that he thinks I'm too good for him, which I don't necessarily agree
with, but we are quite different. I know that my family wouldn't be too happy about this either. I've kept it from them, even though I'm an
adult and can be with who I want. Maybe I'm embarrassed of him.

[divine1966]

Move one honey for real. Do it. You maybe with him because you are avoiding real relationships. But this guy is bad news

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[EglantineRose]

Thanks everyone. I hope that as my health improves, I meet more people, and start doing more with my life, I can just move on from this. Letting go will be hard, but I've had to do that before with other people so I know it's possible.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

I hope that as my health improves, I meet more people, and start doing more with my life,

Your health isn't going to just improve because your doctor made a medication alteration. The only way you are going to meet more people and do more is to make yourself. You are basically healthy. But you are living an unhealthy life style. Depression is tough. Believe me, I know. But your isolation isn't caused by depression. That's putting the horse before the cart. You are depressed because you are isolated. Isolation is the cause of your depression . . . not the result. It's hard to do what doesn't come natural. And life is awfully unfair that some of us just are not naturals at fitting in, while others are. Start now, and you will have a very different life in 5 years than what you will have if you stay in your cocoon.

[EglantineRose]

I know. There are many things I have to do to get healthier. My sleep pattern has been backwards for most of the past 6 or 7 years (I've gone to sleep early in the morning and wake up in the afternoon or sometimes even the evening) I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, and do not eat very well and usually only one meal per day. I used to walk quite often, but I've barely been on a walk since the fall. My lifestyle is very bad and it's probably making me feel sick. My medication, though, was making me feel very empty and indifferent, which I think affected my lifestyle. And feeling this way definitely makes me want to stay home a lot. I really want to fix the things that are affecting my health, but I find it hard to make positive changes living with who I am right now (I live with a family member who is not very encouraging to say the least). Fortunately I will be moving out sometime early in the summer.

Does anyone know how I would stop talking to this guy? We are taking a break until the weekend. The problem now is that I've told him so many times that I don't want to continue talking that he doesn't believe me or he tries to convince me why we should keep talking or even makes me feel guilty, saying things like, "You've proved to me that I can't trust any girl" or "You don't care about my feelings or what I want." I even told him that I don't want to continue because of my mental health and he said "please, we can figure this out." I think this might be because not many people are interested in dating him and I'm the only person who has expressed any interest recently. The bad thing is that he knows I have no close family or friends, so he may think I'm not going anywhere for that reason too.

[Rose76]

So you are waiting for him to give you permission to end this connection. That's a real bad habit to get into. You'ld be very smart to break that habit now . . . I mean kill it. Otherwise, all your life, in one way or another, you will be constrained by what you think others will allow you to do.

You have a false sense of owing other people something. You're even starting to feel responsible for this guy's pain, "What if he has no one else interested in him, and now I dump him, and he feels bad over that . . . ?" He knows this about you, and he's working it. It's not for you to sit there figuring out what he is thinking. Figure out that, if you don't want to stay in touch with him, you don't have to. This is not a friendship. This is a creepy man who you wish you hadn't gotten involved with, so you are trying to figure out how you can justify abandoning the connection. You don't have to justify anything to him. If he was a nice, charming guy, you wouldn't be all torn up like this. He's not. You're sick of him . . . and rightly so. Do not see yourself as some kind of a savior to him. We all have to save ourselves. If I understand right, he has your phone number. Doesn't that mean he can possibly trace your address? You better consider how dangerous this is.

When a man who has never met you will manipulate your guilt feelings into getting you to let him keep in contact with you, that is a predator. He's not even available when you need someone, as you said. He'll ignore your texts and messages when he has something better to do. (It's not because he's always so busy.) He's all take and no give. Yes, he'll listen to you to learn whatever he can use to know how to manipulate you. That's sick.

You've figured out that "not many people are interested in dating him." Good for you. You're catching on. And it's not because he's some sweet, shy guy who just needs an understanding girl to help him come out of his lonesome little shell. Stop telling yourself dopey stuff like that. He's on-line trying to track down a girl to meet in a motel room because "in real life" he's scaring away women who can see how creepy he is in person.

Yes, making positive changes is hard, regardless of who you are living with. Be glad that you have a roof over your head. Mental illness has caused some people to wind up homeless. Be glad that you are not in the street somewhere trying to make positive changes. There will always be something in your life that isn't quite right. Think of something that you were going to start doing when the summer comes, and decide to start it now.

[EglantineRose]

I'm not sure if he can track my address or not. That's kind of scary to think about. I live in a small town though and he knows the town I live in. He even made a joke once that he was going to "come visit me in my hometown" without us planning to meet here.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

I'm not sure if he can track my address or not. That's kind of scary to think about. I live in a small town though and he knows the town I live in. He even made a joke once that he was going to "come visit me in my hometown" without us planning to meet here.

If you use a major carrier...reverse phone look up will give your info. I don't, so it's not something that can be tracked. Carriers use contracts.

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[EglantineRose]

Oh, he only has my cell number, not my home number. But my last name isn't very common and my family member who I live with is registered with the home phone number, so he could probably still find the address if he wanted to.