[Secretum]

I am a 24 year old bisexual female who has never been in a relationship. I am currently seeing a guy (not officially my boyfriend yet). We have been on 3 dates, and there is the expectation on both sides that we will have more. I feel a sense of mutual respect and admiration.

Since I have never been in a relationship before, I don't know how fast things are supposed to move in terms of physical and verbal affection.

On our last (3rd) date, we held hands. I initiated the hand holding, but he seemed to really enjoy it. That is the furtherest we've gone physically.

I don't feel ready to go "all the way" with him yet, but I would like to kiss him. Is it weird that we have not kissed yet, after 3 dates?

He is a very reserved, thoughtful guy. It's kind of funny, because he will wait until there are literally no cars coming before crossing the street, even if a car stops and waves him forward. He is very polite and kind to me, and treats me with a lot of respect. There is something really wonderful and soft and feminine in him that I really like, but I think it may be stopping him from being a little more aggressive physically.

Could his personality be why he has never initiated anything physical? He is afraid of harassing me or making me feel uncomfortable, so I always have to make the first move?

I am very bad at reading body language, so I have no idea if he has been giving me verbal signals that he would like to kiss.

He has never given me any verbal signs of affection either-no compliments or anything.

Should I ask him on our next date how fast he wants this relationship to move? In case he wants more too, but is afraid that I don't? Would it be acceptable to ask him to kiss me? I know it would be awkward...

I don't believe that there is any rules as to how fast a relationship should or shouldn't go. I think that it's all about what both people feel comfortable with.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going slower. Many go slower due to trust issues or they simply feel uncomfortable with rushing into things.

Finally, I don't think that he isn't attracted to you. It's likely that he isn't the type to rush into things for reasons specified above or he simply doesn't feel comfortable with taking charge. It might be best for you to be honest with him about it and communicate about the speed at which you want the relationship to move until you both come to a compromise.

[unaluna]

Steve Harvey says not to "give up the cookie" until 90 days. It takes me 3 months to decide if i am even going to be friends with someone. Yeah who even sticks around that long nowadays? Then why should you sleep with them??? It takes as long as it takes. Hes not your sex toy, and you are not his.

[scorpiosis37]

It sounds like things are progressing nicely and at a comfortable pace for both of you. I do not think it is weird that you have not kissed yet or been more physical. If you want to kiss him, I think it's perfectly alright to ask him.

I'm dating someone new right now-- it's been about 6 weeks-- and we have made out but we have not had sex yet. There have been moments when I've felt as though maybe we are moving "slowly" or doubted whether she is attracted to me because I know that most of my friends move faster. However, she tells me regularly that she is attracted to me and is really excited about where we're headed. And so am I! We're just not the kind of people who move super fast. And, actually, I think that's a good thing! I actually like how well I am getting to know her because of how much we TALK and how well she treats me. I know that she is interested in ME and not just SOMEONE who she can be physical with. I am probably at the point where I'll be ready to take the next step soon, and I think she is too. But I will definitely communicate with her about that to make sure we are on the same page, and we are both comfortable before we take that step. So many of my friends move quickly, end up arguing quickly, and break up quickly. I don't want that for myself. I want to take the time to get know my new girlfriend and really make sure I see a future with her before I take those next steps. And I think she wants the same. Her last relationship ended badly, and she wants to take things slowly with me to make sure that she doesn't end up in the same place again.

[divine1966]

With my current BF we dated 3 months before having sex. That's the longest I ever dated with no sex. I told him I wanted to become good friends first and I told him I want to wait, he agreed and we were very close by the time we finally got intimate. We were friends. It felt right.

There is nothing wrong when 3 dates and no kissing

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Could his personality be why he has never initiated anything physical? He is afraid of harassing me or making me feel uncomfortable, so I always have to make the first move?


He has never given me any verbal signs of affection either-no compliments or anything.

Should I ask him on our next date how fast he wants this relationship to move? In case he wants more too, but is afraid that I don't? Would it be acceptable to ask him to kiss me? I know it would be awkward...

To answer your questions, yes, yes and yes.

I do question why it's not official, yet, between the two of you. Taking things slow, is a positive thing, at the same time, knowing there's chemistry is rather important. And if you aren't good at reading subtle body language cues, such as does he follow you with his eyes. Then by all means address the issue.

[divine1966]

Double post

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

To answer your questions, yes, yes and yes.

I do question why it's not official, yet, between the two of you. Taking things slow, is a positive thing, at the same time, knowing there's chemistry is rather important. And if you aren't good at reading subtle body language cues, such as does he follow you with his eyes. Then by all means address the issue.

What makes it official though? And It's been only 3 dates? I really wouldn't expect much after 3 dates let alone considering a man my boyfriend? Even in my you young years when I jumped onto things I didn't think of a man as my BF after 3 dates. I think it's way too early to determine anything

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by divine1966

What makes it official though? And It's been only 3 dates? I really wouldn't expect much after 3 dates let alone considering a man my boyfriend? Even in my you young years when I jumped onto things I didn't think of a man as my BF after 3 dates. I think it's way too early to determine anything

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There is the infamous three date rule, that's well noted. ? It might be three dates, but it's safe to factor there's plenty of communication in between?

I think three dates is too early to be having discussions about whether or not you have a relationship. You may be totally right and he does want one but is just shy, but I just think it's too soon to ask in terms of dating etiquette.

If you want to kiss him, try kissing him on the cheek at the end of your next date.

The whole situation that you've described is frustratingly ambiguous. (Not your description - the situation is.) It seems impossible right now to tell if he's interested but shy, interested but has a problem with compliments and initiating physical touch, interested but scared, etc.

Good luck.

[healingme4me]

^^^ because it prevents overstaying in a go nowhere relationship, to at least ask him . I'm not saying it isn't sweet and all that things are progressing at a slow rate. My concern is the OP doesn't even know if he's attracted to her. That seems to matter, otherwise she wouldn't have asked.

[Serzen]

Well you seem to like him and he seems to be a good guy.

Why not kiss him? It's nothing awkward, just be natural. Some guys (like me too) are pretty shy at first, so he may be finding it difficult to take the first step. The "socially normal-accepted thing" (?) is that the man makes the first move, but I think that's dumb. If you feel like it, go for it. Just don't rush the "move", take it naturally, like for example, relaxing on a bench or on the grass first. That worked for me with my ex girlfriend.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

There is the infamous three date rule, that's well noted. ? It might be three dates, but it's safe to factor there's plenty of communication in between?

I would think there is communication. But I personally never followed 3 dates rule ( am not exactly sure what it even means? Sex after 3 dates? Kiss? Commit?) I would never consider a man is my boyfriend after only 3 dates. I would be uncomfortable if a guy wanted to be my BF after 3 dates. And I actually have a tendency to move a bit too fast . But this is too fast even for me!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

I think three dates is too early to be having discussions about whether or not you have a relationship. You may be totally right and he does want one but is just shy, but I just think it's too soon to ask in terms of dating etiquette.

If you want to kiss him, try kissing him on the cheek at the end of your next date.

The whole situation that you've described is frustratingly ambiguous. (Not your description - the situation is.) It seems impossible right now to tell if he's interested but shy, interested but has a problem with compliments and initiating physical touch, interested but scared, etc.

Good luck.

Yup. Agree. Relationship after 3 dates? What's the need? If people are good together and enjoy each other company it will work out when the time is right. Asking where is this going after three dates is a bit needy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I would think there is communication. But I personally never followed 3 dates rule ( am not exactly sure what it even means? Sex after 3 dates? Kiss? Commit?) I would never consider a man is my boyfriend after only 3 dates. I would be uncomfortable if a guy wanted to be my BF after 3 dates. And I actually have a tendency to move a bit too fast . But this is too fast even for me!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is semantics, at this point.

The OP can't tell if this guy has attraction towards her, to base moving forward on.

Frankly, if placed into a position of needing to make all the initiative, I'd personally be annoyed.

Three dates, to know if a person is worth ones time and energy to proceed further.

[scorpiosis37]

I think that expecting any kind of commitment after 3 dates is unrealistic. With the woman I am dating now, I honestly didn't know how I felt about her after only 3 dates! I was still very much in the process of getting to know her, assessing my level of attraction, and trying to determine what my own feelings were. I did not immediately feel a huge spark or know right away that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. I liked her enough to commit to asking her for another date, and nothing more. And each time I have seen her, my feelings have grown. Now, after 7 dates, I am sure that I like her and want to see where this going. But if she had asked for a commitment after only 3 dates, I would have had to say no. I didn't know her well enough yet and my feelings had not developed yet. So, if she had asked too soon, it may have ruined everything. With us, she asked on the 6th date if I was seeing anyone else also. I said no; she said no. So we established that we are only seeing each other in order to give this a shot. I could probably get away with calling her my girlfriend at this point, but I still don't know that we are official yet. Ive met her daughter as her "friend" only, we have not had sex yet, and we are not fb friends yet!

healingme4me wrote:

Frankly, if placed into a position of needing to make all the initiative, I'd personally be annoyed.

"Annoyed" was a word that crossed my mind, too, when I was reading the original post.

I think it's a bit of a red flag that the guy has never complimented the original poster. Anyone else?

This post had me thinking back to some guys I met when I was in my 20s. If a guy doesn't give off signals that he's attracted to you (or if they are extremely hard to read), I used to think that one of two things was going on: that 1) he was shy, and if he was attracted, at some point he'd feel secure and everything would be okay.

The alternative was 2) he is never going to take the initiative in anything. Some people might be okay with this, but I always just found it annoying. This is the guy who will never offer ideas about what he wants to do on a date and who orders the same thing you do every time you go out to eat.

I can't say what they'd be like in a day-to-day relationship - I never managed to put up with a non-decider for that long.

I'm not sure now that my conclusions at that age were valid about the "two types" but I am less apt now to tolerate ambiguity in relationships. I'm depressed, I'm tired a lot of the time. If I can't tell where something is going, I move on. If someone isn't sure what they want, I don't want to be their experiment while they figure it out.

[divine1966]

They are holding hands and keep going on dates and seem to have good time . What else do people want after 3 dates? Sure maybe a bit more initiative but he might be a shy type

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[seaecho]

Okay, call me old fashioned, but I would much rather have a FRIEND foundation before going any further. Three dates is NOTHING! I used to date guys at least six months before I'd even think of having sex with them. I wanted to be sure they liked ME for ME and not the prospect of sex.

I think what you have with this guy is very sweet, and he is unusual, and I mean that in a very good sense! Many guys are fixated on sex. This guy is showing respect, and that is hard to find in today's world. Grab onto him! You aren't likely to find one like this again anytime soon, or ever.

I disagree with jo thorne in that he may not be the type to ever take the initiative in anything. That was a little too harsh. Give him a chance. Like Jo Thorne also said, he could simply just be shy. Don't just assume anything.

As someone else posted above, let it take as long as it takes. There should be no worry about sex, or rush to get there. Enjoy the getting-to-know-you process. In my experience, romances that start as friendships are much more likely to last longer, if not a lifetime. Appreciate what you have in this delight of a man.

He might be simply too shy to give you compliments yet. But I certainly don't think you should write him off just because of that. Wait and see what happens.

[healingme4me]

I'm not talking commitment. The OP stated there are expectations that there's more, after 'three dates'. So, alas, after three dates, they know they are going to date more. Semantics.

Jotorne might not be 'harsh' for speculation that it could be a potential that this man could be the type to not initiate things, going forward. It's a valid concern.

I'm not talking that it's necessary to jump into bed, nor make a forever commitment. After three dates, there's a darn feeling as to whether the person is worthy of more or if there are flags.

Where's the, you look nice. I keep thinking of you statements? Will this lack of stated interest become the norm? That's something to watch out for.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Where's the, you look nice. I keep thinking of you statements? Will this lack of stated interest become the norm? That's something to watch out for.

I disagree. After only 3 dates it would creep me out a bit if my date said "I keep thinking of you" and went out of their way to demonstrate a lot of interest. Some people, like myself, feel much more comfortable moving slowly and doing a lot of friendly talking before demonstrating much romantic interest. If you show too much interest too early, then what is that interest based on? It can't be based on anything other than physical attraction or transference because you don't actually know the other person yet! To me, that's a red flag that the person is probably infatuated with the IDEA of me, or of being in a relationship in general, and doesn't really care about me in particular. I think it means a lot more and has a better chance of working out in the long run if you move slower and get to know the person saying things like that. I would prefer that ove demonstrating superficial interest in order to "hook" the other person.

I know that I don't show interest before I really feel it, and it takes me several dates to develop much interest or real feelings for someone. If the woman I am dating now had stopped seeing me because I wasn't showing a huge amount of interest by date 3, she would have missed out. By date 6, when I WAS feeling that interest, I made her a pretty incredible picnic in the park with her favorite foods and her favorite flowers. I was only able to do that because I took the time to get to know her first, and do something that was really genuine and spoke to the relarionshup we had begun to build. So I do not think the fact that someone isn't showing a ton of interest right away means that they are insecure or wimpy or will never make a move. It very well might mean that they are simply trying to get to know the other person first, so that any feelings they do show will be genuine!

[healingme4me]

Hence, my asking if there were non verbal cues, that the OP admittedly doesn't know what to look for.

It's just simple laws of attraction, so to speak. Was there eye contact? Smiling? Laughter?

[hvert]

I don't think there's any rule about how quickly things move in a relationship. They move as fast as the two people in the relationship want them to (and then act on those wants). I agree that asking someone to kiss you seems a little awkward and liked the idea of kissing him on the cheek if the opportunity presents.

I might have a conversation with him to tell him that I'm attracted to him and would like to take the relationship further. If it makes sense in that moment, you could let him know that you are bad at reading body language and picking up on cues.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I am a 24 year old bisexual female who has never been in a relationship. I am currently seeing a guy (not officially my boyfriend yet). We have been on 3 dates, and there is the expectation on both sides that we will have more. I feel a sense of mutual respect and admiration.

Since I have never been in a relationship before, I don't know how fast things are supposed to move in terms of physical and verbal affection.

On our last (3rd) date, we held hands. I initiated the hand holding, but he seemed to really enjoy it. That is the furtherest we've gone physically.

I don't feel ready to go "all the way" with him yet, but I would like to kiss him. Is it weird that we have not kissed yet, after 3 dates?

He is a very reserved, thoughtful guy. It's kind of funny, because he will wait until there are literally no cars coming before crossing the street, even if a car stops and waves him forward. He is very polite and kind to me, and treats me with a lot of respect. There is something really wonderful and soft and feminine in him that I really like, but I think it may be stopping him from being a little more aggressive physically.

Could his personality be why he has never initiated anything physical? He is afraid of harassing me or making me feel uncomfortable, so I always have to make the first move?

I am very bad at reading body language, so I have no idea if he has been giving me verbal signals that he would like to kiss.

He has never given me any verbal signs of affection either-no compliments or anything.

Should I ask him on our next date how fast he wants this relationship to move? In case he wants more too, but is afraid that I don't? Would it be acceptable to ask him to kiss me? I know it would be awkward...

Let him lead the relationship for now. It's still very early. If you want to kiss him next time, simply lean in for one. You don't ask him, you give him the "green light".

You don't ask him how fast he wants the relationship to move either. It needs to move at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. Too fast, is no good, too slow is no good either. If he is contacting you consistently and scheduling proper dates, go with the flow. Don't start asking questions like this. The only question you need to be clear on right now is whether or not you are both on the same page in terms of overall dating goals. Not specifically with you yet. As long as you both are looking for the same thing in general, great.

[divine1966]

"I keep thinking of you" after three dates is creepy to say the least. But hearing "you look nice" is pleasant. The thing is it's nothing to do with dating. I compliment people a lot, that's just how I am but others don't.

I think it is a nonverbal cue that they keep going on dates and enjoying it. What else is there to expect. They hold hands.

Sure if after 3 months there is still no initiative and no kissing or hugging sure it's weird. But 3 dates? Come on people.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk