Why bother with true intimacy?

I'm just curious, why should one even bother with true intimacy? When I say true intimacy, I'm referring to the traditional monogamous relationship that involves everything being around two people without any outside relations with other members of your preferred gender even if you communicate it to your partner.

While I'm not knocking intimacy, nor am I stating that I don't want any degree of it, I still think that putting absolute trust and faith into another person without leaving some wiggle room as a mistake. The way I see it, finding a lifelong romantic partner that makes you happy is about as rare as winning the lottery and thus, not worth going out of one's way for. Life is limited, therefore, I'm not willing to waste what limited time that I have on a gamble when I can achieve something more ideal. Maybe if we find a way to increase our lifespans to several hundred years at least, true intimacy would be something worth trying for, but with a 78 year average lifespan (at least in America), every year counts and I prefer to live in the moment rather than cause myself needless pain and lose out on potential short term happiness over a long term idealization that is unlikely to be successful, nor would be known to be successful until one is an elder.

I think it's wiser to shoot for a relationship that has some degree of intimacy but functions more like a friendship than a romance in the sense that outside relations with others are allowed as long as the members in the relationship are a priority and both people keep a degree of independence. My idea would be similar to a friends with benefits type arrangement but with more romance and intimacy involved. Not to mention, I think having sex with or sharing life experiences with only one person would get boring after so many years.

What do you guys think about this subject? Would you agree or disagree with my statement? Why or why not?

I have no interest to have sex or be physically affectionate with any other man but my BF.

Sure relationships often end and many of us end up being serial monogamous so called. Sure at this point I don't know if my relationship with BF will last forever but I sure know I am not taking my pants off with other dudes lol

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Well I think you already know my feelings on the subject. I believe in complete exclusivity and have a cut and dry definition of how that relates to intimacy. It is not necessary for intimacy to be merely physical. This I believe is the root of so much pain and jealousy (including my own), that one person assumes just because they aren't engaging in an act that all is okay.

The bounds of intimacy are stressed and come into question a great deal more today, what with cell phones, email, social media, and other methods of instant and relatively private connections.

So yes, it IS easy to think that having a monogamously intimate relationship in these times is impossible, I choose not to give up. Even despite my own recent experience I believe it can exist.

Hmm. I guess I won the lottery -- 29 years of marriage.

My parents -- 63 years of marriage

My grandparents -- 62 years until death did they part

My sister and her husband -- 35 years until death did they part

I can go on and on and on. I've grown up around many, many long-term committed, monogamous, loving, intimate, fulfilling relationships.

I prefer a committed, long-term, intimate relationship. They really aren't as rare as you might believe. Not boring either.

I don't think the concern is with what is "allowed" but rather what do people want. I personally do not want to be intimate with other men and I have never been with a man who was in a relationship with me but wanted to be intimate with other women. In order for you to maintain the life style ( be with more than one partner) you have to find someone who is into it too.

I agree with Lolagrace it's not uncommon and not boring ( to be with one partner) I can't say I am spending my life with one man as my marriage and long relationship didn't work out but it was still monogamous and intimate.

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In a word: Tantra

I think about this all the time. When you are lacking emotional intimacy you will be prone to want to find it, hence more relationships, or an open relationship if you are already in one and don't feel like it's meeting your needs. I think the #1 problem with polyamory or whatever you want to call it is that when you are really emotionally intimate with someone you are very prone to being jealous and wouldn't want an open relationship. But yeah, if you aren't that close to the person, and you're not made jealous by them screwing other people, than what you say could work. I personally know people who live that lifestyle and say it works for them. Most people I think are ultimately seeking that emotional closeness, and so anything short seems like a failure.

I wish they could put actual odds on finding love etc, like you say, I've wondered those odds myself as well. Would you risk an 80% chance of failure on a 20% chance of ever being truly satisfied? Could you ever really calculate and compare those odds?

I personally do not regret my committed relationships at all even if they didn't work out. It is very much worth it.


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Picking and choosing whom to share life's experiences with, over a lifetime, sounds altruistic. Ever been through or supported someone through a health scare or newfound diagnosis? At that point, do you grow bored and run off or stand by? If there's then two partners going through something major, at the same time, how to decide?
If it's about fear of boredom in the bedroom, it takes two to tango.
I guess to lead a bachelor/bachelorette life sounds intriguing on the surface. Guess, being alone in a nursing home, sounds tempting.
It's not easy finding compatibility in traveling. A bit of emotional intimacy is rather important, but youth is fleeting.
Why aim for monogamous relationships? Because it makes sense, to many.

Thanks all for the replies. Just to clarify some things:

I don't have fear of the bedroom; I have fear of closeness. I tend to feel suffocated when I let somebody become too close without having either other people or my own isolation to fall back to. I also feel like having more than one partner makes more logical sense because of reasoning similar to investing strategies. Would you invest all of your money into the stock market without any certainty that you would make a solid ROI and risk losing everything? I doubt it. Similarly, I don't want to dump all of my emotional energy into one person and risk abandonment later on down the road without contingencies in place to protect myself.

My reasoning for being this way doesn't directly pertain to sex. In fact, if I truly like somebody, I'll generally keep them in my life without involving sex. My reasons for getting bored with people don't involve sex so much as a combination of burn out and being fiercely independent by nature.

Ultimately, it's my choice who I let in my life and who I kick out of it. I'm extremely careful as to who I let close to me because as far as I'm concerned, all but the rare individual who would accept me despite my problems and faults or how different I am to most is expendable to me.

P.S I've accepted that living this kind of life has the potential to make me lonely later down the road. I've already told myself that if I ever get to the point to where I'm too sick to care for myself and there is no way of curing my illness, I would rather kill myself than to suffer and be at the mercy of others.

Honestly, that attitude of risk and fear of abandonment never even entered my thinking when I got married. I was fully confident in our relationship and our commitment to each other. It really wasn't a risky proposition at all. I felt no need to "protect myself" against . . . whatever you think you need to protect yourself against (I honestly don't even relate to that idea so I don't even know what to call it). Long term commitment IS hard work and isn't always easy, but that kind of commitment to work together to get through whatever life puts in our path is exactly what has kept us together all of these years.

See here's the thing: I've gotten where I am solely by myself; I've never had anybody show me love. I spent most of my years recovering from an abusive childhood while trying to learn all that I can about myself, improve myself, and make something of myself. I have my own freelance/resell business that is just now that is starting to grow exponentially. In fact, I'm at the point to where not only am I almost successful, but I have a high probability of becoming a multimillionaire well before I'm 30 (I'm 24 now).

I did all of this alone. Fact is, I don't need anybody to help me get through life; I'm perfectly capable of getting ahead myself. I've survived this long and I could very well go centuries by myself if it weren't for my biological limitations.

Even though we humans are not strictly monogamous, most of us won't accept the idea of sharing a sexual partner. Not me anyway.

That's your life choice. The end part seems rather fatalistic.

I, personally, rather enjoy the growth of intimacy, as the years progress. There's something, at least for me, about the ability to become vulnerable as time moves forward. It's rather sweet in being able to read another's body language after time spent bonding. To know from a glance when tired and hunger is about to settle in. Or how quirks can grow on you, instead of being what would initially be petty annoyances, left unspoken due to not wanting to risk abandonment.

Friendzoning someone, out of fear. Tough debate, since there's a chance you could be missing out on so much more.

Well, if you come from an abusive past, then I can understand why you have trust issues. I'm kind of in the same boat, just interested in short term flings, friends with benefits and afraid of commitment, but right now I don't see the need to get over that and spend my whole life with anyone just yet.

But here's the thing: you don't need to give up your individuality and completely lose yourself in someone else just to have a committed relationship with them. That has always been my fear, but true intimacy is about two independent individuals being friends, first and foremost, and sharing each other's company because they WANT to, not because they're desperate. I come from an upbringing where my mom was very submissive, fearful and dependent on my dad, with not much of any power over the relationship, and it seemed like my dad never respected my mom and ALWAYS made unilateral decisions for her. Typical dominant/submissive relationship. Then he divorced her and she had to scramble to find her own feet and survive, though she's doing better now. I think that may have something to do with why I fear commitment with somebody. I don't want to become trapped and engulfed like my mom.

In the end, we all die. Why does it matter who is at my side when it happens? Dying alone can't be any worse than the suffering that I've already endured. Besides, I plan on using my ambition, high intelligence, brilliant imagination, and fierce independence to do something awesome for the world which people will remember for a long time. Why be loved by one when I could be loved by billions?

I'm just now beginning to see that emotional attachments and long term relationships are a threat to my ambitions, therefore, I seek more friends and allies along with short term relationships to sate my loneliness and physical needs. Plus when/if I do become rich, I could have a form of love without the risk of betrayal. If you have the money, you can get people to do anything you want.

Not to mention, I want to be strong and independent and not vulnerable and bound to another person. I don't want to need anybody no matter what. I don't want to be hurt ever again by anybody else other than myself.

Of course, I have very limited experience with relationships because I've never been in one for any more than a few months, so it's entirely possible that I'm simply overthinking this subject.

Regardless, thanks for your insight!

Well you are only 24. Majority of what you are saying is all theoritizibg and speculating. We all were 24 at some point.

If you have all these fears you really do need a good therapist to help you heal. Instead of healing your pain and learning to live happier life you are coming up with ideas how to live your life avoiding pain. You aren't going to avoid pain regardless if you commit to one person or sleep around. Pain is kind of part of life.

I sure hope you find good t soon. Good luck

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Thanks for the kind wishes but I don't think that a T can help me at this point nor do I think I need a relationship to have a happier life. I've gotten this far alone. I've accomplished so much at my young age all by myself that I've proven to myself that I don't need anybody. Besides, any money that I would spend on a T would be better utilized on reinvesting into my business to further increase my profits and purchasing a new car. I'm typically happier when I have more money and freedom.

Besides, I like to be alone with my thoughts. About the only happiness that I've ever known has happened when I've been isolated doing my own thing. I have a small support structure of 3-4 friends that fulfill my social needs without expecting much out of me in return and other than that, I pretty much march to the beat of my own drum so to speak.

In short, while it is impossible for me to ever be 100% happy, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

I never meant you need a relationship to live happier life. I meant you need to heal your childhood pains and face your fears to live happier life. Your fears will penetrate other aspects of your life. Not just relationships

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I had a really ugly childhood. My mom was mentally ill and unable to take care of us..and my dad was the mean alcoholic... and yet he could be so charming and funny at times. My dad had custody. Was married 2 times after my mom... and we went with him. We fell in love with our new family and then he would f it up and it was over - we grieved.. he picked the next woman... another great lady... f that up to....
Talk about trust issues!!!!! Fear and abandonment issues... what man was even going to understand "who I am" and put up with me.......

...... long story but... I did get married one time to a great guy. Marriage was so hard for me. Not because I wanted to cheat but is was too hard for me to live with someone. I know I'm not good at that. If I did not marry him we would probably be good friends.
My marriage was part of a journey - good or bad - I learned from it and do not regret it.

I have always put my career as my most important purpose... I get many rewards from this. I also enjoy the philosophical side of me.. and I enjoy meeting and conversing with a lot of different people... yes, there can be a sexual attraction as well. Lust is a powerful thing. You can enjoy and you do not have to make life decisions based on lust.. enjoy mutually.

I could go on and on... because this is an area myself and others discuss a lot.... bottom line.. jealousy is such a strong emotion. If you are able to be open with someone and the jealousy does not ruin a good thing - do what you like - but have agreements with others..you may have to amend those agreements...be as respectful to those you let in as you respect your business life.

I just saw this on someone's profile page and it made me think of this thread:

“An honorable human relationship—that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love”—is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.” —Adrienne Rich

(I have already forgotten the name of the person whose profile I copied this from - sorry! moxie something)

Because "living inside" of yourself doesn't allow for enlightment. Living behind the walls of emotional unavailability is a dark place and no light can get in if you don't seek to talk to people and find out their view's, opinions, experiences, etc. Oftentimes, people who are emotionally unavailable are living with things, ideas, experiences and viewing them as if they are still children with limited understanding. They often get into a cycle of making the same mistakes over and over again because they don't have insight from other people which causes them to be more closed off and feeling badly about themselves. It just compounds itself.

Being able to open up and talk about feelings is liberating.

Great post

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I disagree with being emotionally closed off not allowing the potential for enlightenment. I have a high IQ and I'm a fast learner. When I need advice, I either ask somebody without involving emotions too much or I simply Google my issue and learn what I need.

If I need to talk about my feelings, I have an awesome small tight-knit group of friends whom I talk to, but I don't do this unless I absolutely need to. I don't need a serious intimate relationship for this purpose.

While it is true that I live a relatively isolated lifestyle and sometimes loneliness is a problem for me, ultimately, I would take the occasional pain that occurs from loneliness and the emptiness that I sometimes feel from being single over the pain from all of the work that is required to be in a successful relationship, pain from being emotionally vulnerable and at the other person's mercy, and pain from the eventual breakup because nothing lasts forever.

To me, finding a balance is key. I've spent a great deal of time planning my future and extensively weighing the pros and cons of each option available to me. Being single and relying on a small group of friends for my social needs and/or being in an open relationship or being a close friend with a woman is the better option when factoring in all of the pros and cons for me.

Honestly if whatever life style you chose was making you fully content and happy, I wonder if you would be even starting threads about it. You wouldn't be asking questions or debating it. It simply would be non issue. You would just be involved with multiple partners as you suggested and wouldn't wonder

Nothing wrong with being single etc many people of your age are very focused on education ( especially something very consuming like medical school for example) and building the future and many don't even consider dating. And if having multiple partners makes you happy then why not. You are still very young and who knows what future holds.


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