Long and Painful

Hi, Spring...
I think you are finding yourself anxious and depressed because the man is playing mindgames with you.
I've been there totally, and thought it was all ME, my fault, I was too anxious, depressed and insecure, and then only after time away from it, healing, distance, did I realize how deficient the relationship was in mutual respect, love and understanding.
My sister told me once, when I was in the throes of this kind of thing, all anxious and depressed from a bad treatment, ups and downs, etc., that "love should be comforting to you, make you feel safe, not insecure and anxiojus.
Also, I just want to add ..... from reading your posts, etc., that YOU seem right on target, know what you need, and are a strong, smart woman.
Love
Patty

((((((((((((((((((Patty))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Patty.

Interesting phone conversation last night......

I really surprised myself in how calm I was.

We had a long conversation about the situation and I listened very carefully to his responses....... he was quite happy to lie some of the problems at my feet and yes maybe my reaction where not the best. It came down to a negative experience which is the bond which we share. One which was his choice not mine.

I also asked had he researched, has an understanding of what I am experiencing (the depression I am going through because of his actions) to this he answer no.

He then became very very angry.....I asked him not to speck to me in that way and held my cool.

After the phone call I felt "normal" I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad.....just tired and ready for bed.

I realised this morning that he is selfish and part of our relationship...was that I was good for his ego. Now he has a new boast to his ego and I have become redundant.

I think I'm OK with that, because I know the real reason for his actions.

I'm OK with this because I know I can move on. Its not about pride and love.....it’s about getting to the truth of the matter. Solving a mystery which has eluded and confused and hurt me for so long.

This because I let him know exactly why I didn't trust him....information that he thought I didn't know. He now knows that his "pretence" of being all knowledgeable and caring has been discovered.

As Patty said the mind games have been discovered and I refuse to play them.

It’s a little bit hard to write this down because part of me really wants him to be good. I don't hate him I just know that I can not trust him and that is fundamental for any relationship to work.

Patty you are so right that loving relationship are meant to make you feel loved and secure, I certainly don't feel this way with him.

I thankyou all for your support and words of wisdom and I hope other can learn through my experiences.

GodBless
SpringStar

Late here, but I DO think you are very smart and strong, and it is good that you are viewing this from all angles!
Gotta get some rest here, but sending strong thoughts your way.
patty

Springstar...you did a great job asserting your feelings...I applaud you!

Big step to figuring out how you want to be treated...from friends, to family, to children, to you know who...

SpringStar, it sounds like you made a giant step forward emotionally in that conversation. Brava! Applause! Awards. And lots and lots of hugs.

Thanks everyone.

Feeling a bit lonely and sick at the moment. went and spent time with my sister.

Have a few big things planned this week a show with my mum and sister than a ball with friends.

Just feeling numb. Reflecting on the last 7 yrs the good and the bad and the ugly.

Need to focus on what the future will bring.

Hugs
SpringStar

(((((((SpringStar))))))))

You're doing everything right, you know, planning stuff with friends and family. Don't feel bad about not being over it right away, it's a tough thing to get past, and you must remember to give yourself time to heal.

Thanks Meander

I had a big step backwards this weekend....I'm an idiot.

I need to start steering straight. And focus on what makes me happy.

My sister God Bless....everything is so black and white with her.....said get over yourself...come on.

I am still so very very very angry....!!!!!!

SpringStar

Ouch....!!!!!

He's cleaned out the cheque account.

My life just got worst..........

OK it's only money Right..????

Ouch. I wish you had thought of it first.

SpringStar,

that's bad news about the cheque account. Yeah, it is only money, but if the money is yours, or partially so, maybe you should ask for it back, or take it out of any other joint accounts you have.

Your sister I think is just worried about you, but there is no way you can "just get over" something like this, do not feel bad about taking your time.

Look after yourself k?
Hugs,
-Meander

It's only money and just don't have the time or energy to persue it at the moment.

I haven't comment on his action to him at all.

He did ring the other day sounding very sad and lonely. I just said I hate this situation that we are in and he agreed. I was just calm and the conversation was short.

Then he said he would call back and of couse this was his "pool and beers" night so no call.

I kinda sat by the phone waiting for his call, and I think that is just an old habit.

I've been "good" to myself and haven't checked the web forum to read all the crap that is going on down there and not putting myself through anxiety. Will try and keep up the good work.

Had a lovely time with my family at Miss Siagon, has anyone seen the play it was just brillent and so sad and funny.

I'm just trying to focus on the good feelings I had when I was there with my family......so hopefully that will work.

Kids are away this weekend and I have a ball to attend....sixties theme. Looking forward to meeting new people.

I still care for him but so angry for what has happen. Just put it down to experience I guess.

God Bless you all
SpringStar.

SpringStar,

sounds like you're doing well, and feeling better, that's great! Have an awesome time at the ball :-)

Thankyou Meander

Your support means so much.

Hope your doing well.

Take Care
Love
SpringStar

Hi Everyone

Just been re-reading my posts and today I feel I have come along way.

Had a great weekend with friends and meeting new people. Did have a major hip cup when I had had too many drinks and phoned him late on Friday night. But managed to pick up the pieces and solider on.

Had a bad day Monday tired and angry. Seeing a pattern on two good days one bad day....as the saying goes two steps forward and one step back. But making progress.

I have challenged myself to not phoning him for this week. This is day one.

I have decided that I am going through addiction behaviour so have done some research....did you know that there is EA (Emotional Addiction) they use the 12 steps process.

Have marked a date in the calendar to draw a line in the sand...no turning back after that it history and should stay in the pass. It’s a nice idea and a great visual, if I can give up the cigs (which I have for 9mths now) I know I have the will power and desire to move forward.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

God Bless
SpringStar

It sounds like you are moving forward! Keep going!

(I saw the film Miss Saigon, but not the play. I'll bet it was great. And good for you for getting out!(

Spring!
You are one strong woman if you managed to give up smoking for 9 months now! especially considering the stress you've been under.! Yes...you can do it! Abstain from contacting him...I say for good! You know he will be contacting you anyway, and by refraining from calling him, you build your own self-esteem and power!
Patty

Thanks Wants2Fly and seeker1950

Day two and no contact.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet and will have some hard day to cope with. Like today I'm a bit tired and just wondering what he is doing.

Then I hum my little tune in my head and the craving passes.

Kids are on school holidays this week so will try and plan a get away some were with no phones.

Thankyou again for all your support. I really don't think that I am that strong....just going through the motions and trying to be kind to myself.

Love
SpringStar

Hi SpingStar.

I just joined this forum. Yours was the first post I read. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions:

1. What were the tickets for and who went?

2. What did you discover about the "other woman?"

3. How much money was in the checking account?