Today a good friend of mine told me on the phone when I talked to her about some friendship issues that some people might not want to be friends with me, even women, since I don't have a nice figure. WTH? She didn't say that I'm fat or that my figure is awful, but she might as well have, especially since she's always been thin, and she has made some comments about if I gained weight or not in the past. She has also told me that my stomach sticks out at times when I thought that I hid it fairly well in a nice maxi dress.

I don't think that she meant to be mean though. I do think that maybe she sort of looks down on fat people a little as she's disciplined about what she eats usually, and she takes walks everyday. I kind of feel like she's trying to tell me that I need to do more to loose weight. What's it to her though?

I am trying to loose weight, but it's not easy! I used to be thin, even she said so when she saw an old pic of me. Anyways, do any of you think that what she said is true? I asked my husband about this and he said yes, he doesn't care about weight as far as his friends are concerned, but he says that some people are like that. She also told me that some people will reject me for not working and not having a career. She doesn't work, but she used to be an engineer before having her hand injured playing sports.

Is she maybe trying to hint to me that I'm fat and lazy? Idk, but I hope that's not the case. What would weight have to do with being a platonic friend anyways? Who cares what a person looks like if you have no intention of dating them, or hooking up with them! I dress nice, I have good hygiene and I'm a nice person and good to my friends. Doesn't that matter more than what someone looks like? She also said it could be because of the way that you dress, your race, etc...

So, would any of you on here reject someone as a friend for being fat, ugly, or for not being the right race, etc???? If so, why? Also, a few nasty men have thought it was perfectly O.K to call me fat to my face. I told them off of course. I'm not super obese. I'm a size 12, and I am to big at 172lbs. most of the time. I used to be a size 4 at my smallest, and I'm only 5'4. I'd think that most women would be less likely to want to be friends with someone who looks like a supermodel, even if they are very fit and attractive themselves. What do you guys think of all of this? I guess that maybe some people think that all of us fatty's are lazy, stupid, ugly, etc???? That's not true of course! Why do some many people hate fat people, especially fat women? It's mean and not O.K to make fun of us for being big. Not everyone can be the perfect size no matter how much they diet and work out.

[divine1966]

Wtf? Is this girl for real? How old is she?

I have never heard people choose friends based on body type. Two of my very good friends are bigger women. And I am dating a guy who is a bit overweight.

I could see some people don't want to date certain people because they might not find them attractive or are shallow ( clearly extra weight doesn't bother me). But what's looks to do with being friends?

None of this makes sense to me. She is shallow and immature

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Originally Posted by divine1966

Wtf? Is this girl for real? How old is she?

I have never heard people choose friends based on body type. Two of my very good friends are bigger women. And I am dating a guy who is a bit overweight.

I could see some people don't want to date certain people because they might not find them attractive or are shallow ( clearly extra weight doesn't bother me). But what's looks to do with being friends?

None of this makes sense to me. She is shallow and immature

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My friend is older than me. She's in her early 50's. She really is a nice person, but I think that she may think that fat people are a certain way, and certainly not attractive apparently. Ironically she thinks that I'm pretty. I agree with you, it is shallow and immature.

I don't put up with much crap from others. She truly is a nice person, but she grew up in Asia where there is a lot more pressure to be thin. I don't think that she meant to be mean. I think that she's just kind of ignorant when it comes to some things. Also, being successful and having money tends to be more important than anywhere else that I know of for those of you who might not be aware of that.

I think that she could be a bit more tactful. Otherwise, she is a sweet and kind person as hard as that it to believe. Next time she mentions my weight, I'll just let her know that I know that I'm fat and to please not remind me of it again. How can I let her know that I don't like her comments w/o becoming defensive nicely? Is that a good way to let her know to not cross that line with me or not?

I actually used to have an eating disorder, and I told her about it. I guess that she forgot about that. Also, I have managed to loose 30 lbs. last year. I'm stuck at a plateau since I don't work out anymore, but I normally eat healthy and I rarely eat fast food or processed stuff, so these stereotypes about fat people are just silly assumptions. I'd have to really work really hard to loose weight, but I gain weight so easily!

Us fatty's have feelings too! And not all of us eat to much! Some people do have slow metabolisms and bad genes. Of course, most thin people probably think these are all excuses. Even she is gaining weight now due to being older, but it's not obvious to me. Perhaps she's projecting some insecurities about becoming fat to me, idk.

[~Christina]

She sounds like a douche! I seldom use that word but good grief !

I think I would have to politely tell her that she is rude and you don't want to be "friends" with someone that is so ridiculous.

Please don't let her stupidity effect you in a negative manner

[bounceback]

I agree with the others. You might think she is a nice person but to me she sounds so judgmental and shallow. If was really concerned about how you looked she would offer to exercise with you or something. I hate that she made you feel rejected.. People come in all shapes and sizes. You don't even sound that big anyway. I am so sorry she said this to you. I hope one day you realize that you don't need people who cut you down in your life.

[bounceback]

You don't have to justify anything you do to her either. It really is none of her business.

[divine1966]

She is in her 50s???? I thought we are talking 18 year old the most. She isn't kind or sweet at all. She is either too dumb or just mean. Or both

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[Shamrock76]

Oh my God, of course I would!!!! That's ridiculous and so petty. Very very false and pretentious too! Some of my best friends are overweight, I'm slightly overweight too. We're all only people!! Please don't hang around with types like this, your self esteem will suffer.

[nicoleflynn]

Size 12 is NOT fat, and anyway that person has issues. How shallow.

[Chuva]

Of course I would be friends with a fat person, and I have friends who are way fatter than you are! And I would also be friends with people I don't find attractive or who are a different race and so on. We are talking friendship, for goodness sake, not love or being attracted to another person, which might be different for some.

[IceCreamKid]

You asked:

"Why do some many people hate fat people, especially fat women? It's mean and not O.K to make fun of us for being big. Not everyone can be the perfect size no matter how much they diet and work out."

Somehow or other these people have gotten the idea that it is okay to discharge their negative emotion on to people who are unable to effectively fight back. Society reinforces them with all of its attention on impossible ideals : women are supposed to be perfect, forever young, incredibly tiny (even immediately after having given birth).

You need kinder friends. If you want to remain friends with people who make hurtful comments about your weight, I suggest you calmly reply: "Your comments are hurtful and unwelcome." Then change the subject. You don't need to explain, justify, or apologize for how much you weigh. You are a wonderful individual, completely unique as you are, right now, this very minute.

[A Red Panda]

I'm a similar size, height, weight as you.

The only people who've ever actually called me fat are my family.

I do not like how my body is. I don't. But no one else has any right to criticize me.

Your "friend" sounds like a passive-aggressive b****. I've got friends who are larger, smaller, "uglier", prettier, different race, different style of dress/hygiene etc.... none of them care about my appearance, and I don't care about theirs.

What we DO care about is how the other person feels, and encouraging them to see themselves in a more positive light if they're having problems.

The only people I've ever had comment on anything about my appearance has been, well, my students. To which I respond with either "Thanks for noticing," or "Does it matter?".

I'm so sorry you've been exposed to such a shallow, judgemental person.

[Shadix]

I think it is ridiculous for someone to pick their friends based on physical appearance. Why would that even matter? But unfortunately I know there are some people who have this weird idea in their head that being overweight is some sort of character flaw. These people are not common at all, but they do exist. I think a person would have to be incredibly dumb and shallow to think that way.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

She sounds like a douche! I seldom use that word but good grief !

I think I would have to politely tell her that she is rude and you don't want to be "friends" with someone that is so ridiculous.

Please don't let her stupidity effect you in a negative manner

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Thanks. That is rude. I kind of brushed thing off the last few times as if it were no big deal. I honestly think that she's thinks that she's being honest and trying to help me. She just lacks tact in that regard.

I think that maybe some thin people who have never been more than 10lbs. overweight have a really hard time understanding that it's not that easy to loose weight. Perhaps they think that if we only eat less and exercise more, we could be thin too. That's not always the case.

I have no other complaints about her than that. She has been one of my closest friends for four years. No one's perfect, so the next time she makes any comments like that, I'll politely tell her to please not bring it up again as it bothers me. I'm sure that she won't make any fat comments again after that.

Originally Posted by bounceback

I agree with the others. You might think she is a nice person but to me she sounds so judgmental and shallow. If was really concerned about how you looked she would offer to exercise with you or something. I hate that she made you feel rejected.. People come in all shapes and sizes. You don't even sound that big anyway. I am so sorry she said this to you. I hope one day you realize that you don't need people who cut you down in your life.

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I think that most people are judgemental in one form or another. We live half an hour away from each other, but if we lived closer, maybe she'd join me for walks. She has tried to give me dieting tips in the past when I asked for them.

I'm petty good at knowing what to eat and not eat, but I don't exercise enough, which I need to start doing soon. Like I said, I honestly think that she just lacks a bit of tact. If she was being truly mean to me in order to hurt my feelings, then I wouldn't be her friend. No one is perfect, so that's the only thing about her that I don't like.

She has been pretty nice to me at other times. She always takes me out for my B-day, gives me gifts for Xmas, and she is always there for me when I need to talk to her. I think that she is just a bit naive. Also, she was born in Asia, and over there, there is a tremendous amount of pressure to be thin ad successful in most of those countries it seems like.

I will definitely tell her to not make those comments again if she does as I already know that I need to loose weight and that those comments bother me. I know that she won't say anything after that as she is a polite person at heart.

Originally Posted by divine1966

She is in her 50s???? I thought we are talking 18 year old the most. She isn't kind or sweet at all. She is either too dumb or just mean. Or both

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Thanks. I think that she just lacks tact in that regard. We all tend to put our foot in our mouths at times, and no one is perfect. As hard as it is to beleive, she really is nice person.

IF she says anything like that again, then I'll tell her to please not make those comments again as it bothers me, and I'm sure that she won't even mention the word fat around me again. Unless she's talking about her recent weight gain perhaps. Which btw, is not noticeable to me at all. Even if it was, I wouldn't say anything to her about that unless she flat out asked me if she looks bigger or not.

Originally Posted by Shamrock76

Oh my God, of course I would!!!! That's ridiculous and so petty. Very very false and pretentious too! Some of my best friends are overweight, I'm slightly overweight too. We're all only people!! Please don't hang around with types like this, your self esteem will suffer.

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Thanks! I'm glad to see that the people on this board don't care about anything like that at all! You guys are awesome-

We all put our foot in our mouths at times, so I won't hold this against her. She really is a nice and sweet person who just happened to lack a bit of tact in this case.

Also, I don't think that most thin people can ever understand that it's not that easy to loose weight. If she makes those kind of comments again though, I'll tell her to please not mention anything about my weight again unless I ask her about it. I'm sure that I won't hear another word from her about being heavy or anything like that again as she doesn't like to offend people as hard as that is to believe.

Okay I see from your later post she isn't western by birth so this may have a cultural aspect. Perhaps her manners are different, as well as her attitudes.

Firstly, no I don't agree. I'm sporty and athletic build, many of the people I know are too, but quite a few of my friends are not. If I discriminated against people by their body type it would be stupid of me, I would miss out on terrific friendships.

Some of my friends struggle with losing weight and if they talk about it I support them but otherwise do not bring it up. I do realise it's not easy for everyone to lose weight and respect that is a challenge they are facing.

As for the other point about not having a career/working, I can say that as a one time stay-at-home mom I encountered that, it can be isolating. People often identify through their occupations, for so many it's 'who we are', also lots of people form social networks/friendships through workplaces. It's not like people disrespected me because I didn't have that, more that we didn't have that point in common to talk about. So yes, I think there's some truth in it being harder to make friendships when you aren't in a workplace.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Hi Shy Introvert,
Since you're inclined to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, I am too.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

She has also told me that my stomach sticks out at times when I thought that I hid it fairly well in a nice maxi dress.

Perhaps this was more about clothing style/choice? I'm overweight, the extra goes to my belly, hips, thighs. In theory a maxi dress should be great on me. In reality, it's not. It adds pounds, makes me look even bigger.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I kind of feel like she's trying to tell me that I need to do more to loose weight. What's it to her though?

As your friend, could be she wants you healthy, physically well. What's your doctor say about your height, weight and its effect on your physical well being?

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

She also said it could be because of the way that you dress, your race, etc...

This makes me wonder about the context of your conversation(s). Were you talking about wanting to make more friends, that it's hard as a homemaker, etc? Fact of the matter is the first thing people see is how a person looks and some people are judgemental/prejudice. In the workplace - appearance can sometimes get you in the door; and studies show people respond more positively to those who are active/workout.

Losing weight is not easy, especially as we age. It requires discipline. Sounds like you know what you need to do if you want to get to a healthier weight. It takes work, consistency over time.

[jaymoq]

No, I certainly don't discriminate based on any physical attributes of a person. As a girl that used to be thin and trim, I can commiserate with falling in to a category of what others now consider 'overweight'. I gained weight due to a medication I was on and that, mixed with some serious depression for awhile, just packed the pounds on! However, while my doctors admit I need to lose weight, my blood pressure, heart, lungs, bloodwork, etc. are all well within where they should be. In fact, many a doctor has commented on how good my vitals look compared to my body appearance (thanks, I guess?)

At any rate, I too have had people point my weight out. I am an avid horse woman too, and sometimes I have other riders point out how I am selfish and hurting my animals. I've had people call me a "land whale" and all sorts of names. In all honesty, even when I was 'fit' I always had the hips and chest of a woman and despite having a 6 pack and being toned, I wore a size 8-10 in my thinner days. Now I am hovering in a 16-18 pant size (waist 36/38) range at 5'8" and while I know that I have weight to lose, I am actively working out every day, riding my horses, weight training, and eating a healthy diet (counting calories, sugar, carbs, etc).

I don't think its appropriate to tell anyone about their weight unless it is solicited. For example, my best friend was in the same boat as me and literally starved herself for about 6 months and lost a SUBSTANTIAL amount of weight and has kept it off for 3 years now. While I give her kudos, I just can't do the starvation thing myself. We're all different.

Honestly, if you're happy and healthy, then who cares? If its unsolicited, you might want to touch base with your friend and say it hurt your feelings what she said. If you have the relationship where you can share like that and have a good dialogue.

Some people are just prejudiced. For whatever reason. I can't explain it or rationalize it. I just avoid those people. I love everyone for who they ARE, not what they look like. Surround yourself with those people. Do what makes YOU happy.

For reference, my fiance was overweight. He went so far as to get the lapband. This was all before I met him. He lost a LOT of weight and LOOKS great. But, he feels awful. He was SO concerned with what everyone else thinks and I watch him get sick regularly. It upsets me so much that he is willing to be physically ill and sick all the time because what others think and have told him. I've tried to convince him to take the lapband out and he tells me no, he might gain the weight back. I say, "SO? Even if you do, I'll still be here and we will be healthy!"

Don't let it get to you! You seem to be in the right place here. I too would be off put by what your friend said.

[lavendersage]

My thoughts echo another posts: how young is this person???

50's? Ah, honey, she's got issues and I'm picking up the distinct stench of projection.

Lose this person - she's toxic.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by iwonderaboutstuff

This makes me wonder about the context of your conversation(s). Were you talking about wanting to make more friends, that it's hard as a homemaker, etc? Fact of the matter is the first thing people see is how a person looks and some people are judgemental/prejudice. In the workplace - appearance can sometimes get you in the door; and studies show people respond more positively to those who are active/workout.

I have noticed this as my weight yo-yos in various years. An extra 30 lbs has a huge impact on my social life, not so much with people who are already my friends, but noticeably so when it comes to meeting new people. People are more likely to approach me when I am thinner. Is it because I am more confident and open? Because I look nicer? I don't know.

[Dan208]

Wow. Just wow.

[CopperStar]

The only possible devil's advocate explanation I could come up with for this, would be if someone is very active, like they love to go mountain biking on actual mountains, so they need athletic friends to share that with. But that's pretty much the only sort of situation where it makes any sense.

The highest I ever really crank my athleticism is relaxing walks or dancing around when I'm by myself. I would rather have a beer and watch Metalocalypse than try to bike a damned mountain. All I need a friend to have is my weird sense of humor, a good heart and a chill personality. No physical package requirements over here lol.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You asked:

"Why do some many people hate fat people, especially fat women? It's mean and not O.K to make fun of us for being big. Not everyone can be the perfect size no matter how much they diet and work out."

Somehow or other these people have gotten the idea that it is okay to discharge their negative emotion on to people who are unable to effectively fight back. Society reinforces them with all of its attention on impossible ideals : women are supposed to be perfect, forever young, incredibly tiny (even immediately after having given birth).

You need kinder friends. If you want to remain friends with people who make hurtful comments about your weight, I suggest you calmly reply: "Your comments are hurtful and unwelcome." Then change the subject. You don't need to explain, justify, or apologize for how much you weigh. You are a wonderful individual, completely unique as you are, right now, this very minute.

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Hi, sorry for the slow response. I've just been tired and busy lately. Anyways, you're right about what you said. Society places way to much pressure on women to be thin and beautiful. Heavier men can seem to get away with being heavy and unattractive, but for some odd reason, being heavy set and unattractive happens to be unacceptable for women which is baffling! Who gives a **** how a woman looks unless someone is planning on dating or marrying her? LOL!

I appreciate your advice. I'll keep that in mind. I do believe that my friend thought that she was trying to help me by being honest. If she really didn't like fat people, then I doubt that she'd still hang out with me and be friends with me. I just think that she said that out of ignorance. I'll be sure to nicely let her know that those kind of comments aren't OK IF she ever mentions such a thing again. And it is ridiculous to how female celebrities are expected to loose all of their pregnancy weight so fast. How they do it so fast is rather astounding though! They must work out like crazy or get liposuction soon after giving birth! Either that, or they're freaks of nature!