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  #1  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 01:53 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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I have been in a relationship for 2 years now and for the past year I have been battling a really strange issue with him... he thinks I have a drug problem which is completely unrealistic as there aren't ANY facts that would back this up. I am a VERY open person and share literally everything, I have nothing at all to hide. He's had issues in his past with people lying to him about drug issues and I think maybe he is scarred from it but its so completely absurd and makes no sense to the point I get REALLY hurt and angry over it. I cant stand false accusations or having to defend myself for something I am absolutely not doing. I have a great job and a good head on my shoulders, I woudnt be able to have either if I had some crazy drug problem. The last time he made this accusation was about 2 weeks ago and since then I haven't been able to get myself back to they way I felt about him. Each time this happened before, I would get angry, talk it out, explain why it makes no sense, he agreed, I would warn him that the relationship will eventually fail if this continued and now that it's happened again, I feel I've lost respect for his judgment on things and I feel that I have lost attraction, when just a minute before he made this last accusation, I felt crazy about him... and now I feel more lost than anything. He took it to the extent of asking me to get a drug test to prove it! I will NOT take a drug test for him to prove anything and if I did, the relationship would still be where it is now with how angry I am about it. Even if he saw the test come back clear I'm certain he would find a reason to say how it must not have been a test that tested for EVERYTHING, or maybe I altered it some how, its absurd. So he agreed with me on that and said he's ok with me not taking the test.
I am constantly battling the thoughts of should I stay and work through it or should I go. We are now arguing a lot more... struggling with communication and being on the same page. I don't know how to get back to the way I felt before this last accusation... even though I feel like he might finally get it, I deep down feel that he must not be very bright and I feel if someone could make this accusation of me, they must not know anything about me or who I am as a person, which is a huge disappointment and let down. Not sure what to do and he's hurt and doesn't want to lose me or what we share together and I'm just lost and not myself towards him anymore...

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  #2  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:22 PM
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hannabee hannabee is offline
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IDK, there is an old saying "the best offense is a defense" Is there any possibility that he is the one with the drug problem? What kind of drug does he think you are abusing? Seems like there is much to work out if this relationship is going to continue. Maybe the help of a counselor? Good luck and big hug!
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  #3  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:22 PM
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Mountainbard Mountainbard is offline
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I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'd be very concerned if my partner made such a serious accusation, and after talking it out then turned around and accused me of the same thing again, let alone asked me to take a drug test. It sounds like he really has a hang-up about people close to him lying about drug use. It sounds like he would really benefit from the therapy.

As for your decision, I sure can't tell you what to do, but if I went from being crazy about someone to feeling lost and disappointed about them, I would end the relationship. You say you're constantly battling thoughts over whether you should stay and work through it or go. It sounds to me like you've bent over backward to work through it, and it hasn't worked. That would be a huge red flag for me.
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  #4  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:36 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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I'd take every kind if drug test I could find, hand him the results and break up with him.


But that's just me....
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  #5  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:37 PM
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DBTDiva DBTDiva is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hannabee View Post
IDK, there is an old saying "the best offense is a defense" Is there any possibility that he is the one with the drug problem? What kind of drug does he think you are abusing? Seems like there is much to work out if this relationship is going to continue. Maybe the help of a counselor? Good luck and big hug!
I was thinking this too. I know I've seen many times before that often someone cheating will project and accuse their partner of cheating. It could be a case that he's fixated on that to try to hide that he's using drugs. He has to learn how to trust the person he's with, it sounds like it's really his issue so it's something he will have to work on.
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  #6  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:46 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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He seems to think I am snorting pills
anytime I touch my face, clear my throat, scratch anywhere on my body or face, this is an indication to him that I am hiding something from him. I hate the thought of walking on egg shells unable to itch my nose or face in the comfort of my own home. He's also gone to the extent of looking ALL OVER the house thinking he would find something, some kind of evidence or stash, only to be disappointed because there isn't anything to find. I have two cats and psoriasis which could be a cause of me wanting to itch my nose or scratch my body but as long as we have been together, he knows this and should know me by now.
He has agreed to speak to a counselor with me but it just doesn't seem to me like he's really that crazy to the point we would have to speak to a specialist. Is it crazy or is it stupidity? I even asked that he do the research if he cares enough to accuse me like this again and again, than he should do research on the symptoms of whatever he thinks I'm on and since he isn't doing the research he is either not smart enough or too lazy and those are two things that I don't care for at all. There is soo much to love about him, he is like a peaceful, care free, floating cloud that goes where life takes him and accepts everyone on the way, he's forgiving and selfless BUT we have this bizarre issue and its caused me to struggle with getting back to looking at him the way I use to...
  #7  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:49 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
I'd take every kind if drug test I could find, hand him the results and break up with him.


But that's just me....
lol I would but the very thought of taking the time and making the effort to do that just pisses me off. I couldn't bring myself to do it I have too much pride...
  #8  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 02:54 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Originally Posted by DBTDiva View Post
I was thinking this too. I know I've seen many times before that often someone cheating will project and accuse their partner of cheating. It could be a case that he's fixated on that to try to hide that he's using drugs. He has to learn how to trust the person he's with, it sounds like it's really his issue so it's something he will have to work on.
yes that's what we have boiled it down to...its his issue not mine. We live together so its more difficult and complicated BUT its also more of a reason to believe that I am not battling any drug addictions!! I know he isn't either because I pay very close attention to detail and not much gets past me, whereas he is more carefree and doesn't seem to pay much attention to detail.
I love him when he acknowledges that I am right, agrees to work on it and shows a clear understanding of what I am speaking and reciprocates. Otherwise, I am contemplating how to bring things to a closure. its really hard...
  #9  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 03:53 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Namaste30 View Post
lol I would but the very thought of taking the time and making the effort to do that just pisses me off. I couldn't bring myself to do it I have too much pride...


Pride tends to get in the way when we have too much of it.


Here's a more chilled reply for you, one that has salvaging the relationship in mind:


Swallow your pride just this once (I promise you won't choke on it), then agree to take the test/s of his choosing, meaning he goes out to make the purchase (so no effort on your part) ON CONDITION that when the results are negative, he drops the ENTIRE subject, forever.


If he even thinks of mentioning drugs and your name in the same sentence after that, he is to seek immediate professional attention for his paranoid delusions.


And just to be clear, he leaves you out of the last part of the equation because its his issue, not a relationship issue.
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  #10  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 04:36 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
Pride tends to get in the way when we have too much of it.


Here's a more chilled reply for you, one that has salvaging the relationship in mind:


Swallow your pride just this once (I promise you won't choke on it), then agree to take the test/s of his choosing, meaning he goes out to make the purchase (so no effort on your part) ON CONDITION that when the results are negative, he drops the ENTIRE subject, forever.


If he even thinks of mentioning drugs and your name in the same sentence after that, he is to seek immediate professional attention for his paranoid delusions.


And just to be clear, he leaves you out of the last part of the equation because its his issue, not a relationship issue.
I really appreciate the time you've spent responding and giving advice on this. I have considered every response so far and its really helped getting feed back. I don't know that I can swallow my pride and take these tests for him... its going to take serious soul searching on how I genuinely feel about him and our relationship before I step down and swallow my pride for him like that. I have made too many mistakes in my life doing things for people in relationships that have shown to go above and beyond while not getting the same in return which is where all of my pride really comes from... I'm afraid of INTENSELY regretting putting my hands down to take a drug test just to prove myself to make him more comfortable... I know he would do it for me but I have more respect and use my brain a bit more I think... not to mention I don't know that I could ever have the same respect for him or the relationship once he sees that he has been wrong this entire time.
  #11  
Old Nov 10, 2015, 07:58 PM
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hvert hvert is offline
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I don't think you should take the drug test. His idea that you are taking drugs when you aren't taking them at all is incredibly bizarre, imo, assuming that you don't take anything at all. If you do some kind of drug occasionally, it might be a more reasonable fear on his part. If you take nothing, ever, then it's just a really strange thing for him to say.

The counselor sounds like a great idea. I don't think you will be able to reason your way out of this. His accusation is not based in reality.
  #12  
Old Nov 11, 2015, 09:43 AM
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DBTDiva DBTDiva is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Namaste30 View Post
He seems to think I am snorting pills
anytime I touch my face, clear my throat, scratch anywhere on my body or face, this is an indication to him that I am hiding something from him. I hate the thought of walking on egg shells unable to itch my nose or face in the comfort of my own home. He's also gone to the extent of looking ALL OVER the house thinking he would find something, some kind of evidence or stash, only to be disappointed because there isn't anything to find. I have two cats and psoriasis which could be a cause of me wanting to itch my nose or scratch my body but as long as we have been together, he knows this and should know me by now.
He has agreed to speak to a counselor with me but it just doesn't seem to me like he's really that crazy to the point we would have to speak to a specialist. Is it crazy or is it stupidity? I even asked that he do the research if he cares enough to accuse me like this again and again, than he should do research on the symptoms of whatever he thinks I'm on and since he isn't doing the research he is either not smart enough or too lazy and those are two things that I don't care for at all. There is soo much to love about him, he is like a peaceful, care free, floating cloud that goes where life takes him and accepts everyone on the way, he's forgiving and selfless BUT we have this bizarre issue and its caused me to struggle with getting back to looking at him the way I use to...
I think if it's imparing your life and relationship, which is definitely sounds like it is, then speaking to a counselor makes sense. You can't scratch your nose in your own home, that's a pretty big deal! Like you said, the issue is bizarre, his behavior is not based in reality. It could be trust issues, it could be paranoia and obsessive thoughts, but perhaps if a therapist backed up that you are not using drugs he may see that he needs to work on whatever issues are causing this.
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  #13  
Old Nov 11, 2015, 10:42 AM
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ChipperMonkey ChipperMonkey is offline
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The time for the ultimatum is now.

Tell him he must seek help for his paranoia or get out. It's his problem, not yours.

And don't give in by taking the damn drug test. It'll just lead to more absurd requests in the future. Put your foot down now.

If he doesn't trust you, the relationship has no hope and was over a long time ago.

Last edited by ChipperMonkey; Nov 11, 2015 at 10:43 AM. Reason: Added
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  #14  
Old Nov 11, 2015, 11:52 AM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey View Post
The time for the ultimatum is now.

Tell him he must seek help for his paranoia or get out. It's his problem, not yours.

And don't give in by taking the damn drug test. It'll just lead to more absurd requests in the future. Put your foot down now.

If he doesn't trust you, the relationship has no hope and was over a long time ago.

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback... that's how I am feeling. I am completely against taking any drug tests to prove that I'm not on anything, because to me, his doubt or paranoia in something like this when he has been given absolutely no reasons to feel this way just feels wrong to me. It feels like it symbolizes our relationship as a whole. I feel like my companion/lover should support me, believe in me, understand and know me especially after 2 years and living together for a year...him not having any reason to feel this way and making such an accusation just throws me over the edge and literally breaks my heart and confuses the heck out of me. When there has been nothing at all and I mean NOTHING for him to think this way, something just feels very wrong... like im missing something... maybe a bigger picture or a red flag or a sign that someone is trying to get me to see about this relationship.
  #15  
Old Nov 11, 2015, 12:01 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2015
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey View Post
The time for the ultimatum is now.

Tell him he must seek help for his paranoia or get out. It's his problem, not yours.

And don't give in by taking the damn drug test. It'll just lead to more absurd requests in the future. Put your foot down now.

If he doesn't trust you, the relationship has no hope and was over a long time ago.
that's what I was thinking... maybe this has been over for a while now. I hate the other side of me telling me that maybe itll be ok and we can work through it, maybe he really has an issue that he needs help with and I shouldn't just give up on him because after-all the grass isn't always greener on the other side and every relationship has its problems...its just a matter of what you're willing to work through...so I go back and forth with myself trying to weigh out the relationship and get a feel for how he handles it this time. I've pretty much gave him the ultimatum. If he doesn't fix this crap he's out of here. He can see that I haven't been the same since and can see that this time it has REALLY screwed things up like I warned him it would...but that voice in the back of my mind says "its been going on for a year now, if it was just a switch that he could turn off so easily, why didn't he turn it off before and how much time is going to pass before it happens again..." He hasn't done any research yet on counselors or therapists. and when I asked him about it he says he is "working it out on his own in his head".
  #16  
Old Nov 11, 2015, 12:12 PM
Namaste30 Namaste30 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DBTDiva View Post
I think if it's imparing your life and relationship, which is definitely sounds like it is, then speaking to a counselor makes sense. You can't scratch your nose in your own home, that's a pretty big deal! Like you said, the issue is bizarre, his behavior is not based in reality. It could be trust issues, it could be paranoia and obsessive thoughts, but perhaps if a therapist backed up that you are not using drugs he may see that he needs to work on whatever issues are causing this.

thank you...this really helped put it into perspective for me and helped finalize my decision on seeking therapy. There really isn't anything else that could help this situation. trust issues, paranoia and obsessive thoughts are all probably the exact underlying issues here that need to be addressed and it would be beneficial for him to hear it from a specialist backing me up...
the mind can be so twisted... I really wish I could get inside of his and figure out how the heck he could possibly make this accusation so many times without anything to back it up its just really bizarre...
thank you again
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