[Hathi]

Hmmm. I met another boy. Ok, he is a man, he is soon to be 50, someone I like for a variety of reasons, but, well, we clicked. To make a somewhat long story short, he isn't interested in having a relationship now as he recently got divorced from his long-term partner and he is busy with work, kids (he has 4 boys!) and all sorts of things.


Thing is, I get it, but this guy hasn't made me feel this way about someone since 2008.


So now I am sad, quite sad, really.


I have met a lot of men this year, many of which have the things I am looking for, but there is always something. The last guy had Borderline Personality Disorder. The one before that was married and I refused to have an affair.This dude is in a bad head space but he hasn't re established contact with me.


I have been single for a long time. My last boyfriend ended our relationship abruptly in 2009 and it is only now that I am truly open to meeting someone, well, until now, I guess. Just a bit of background: I am 45. Before dude who broke up with me in 2009, I was single for 10 years. It wasn't for lack of trying! I tried everything, even trying to settle for men that did nothing for me. I don't ever want to do that again!


So I know I can't settle. I am holding out for something real. Yeah, I believe in soulmates, I think it is possible to have more than one, too. I want a healthy relationship with mutual attraction, someone mature, we mutually support each other, we share values and interests (I love animals and travel, these are both very important things to me), who has a job and takes care of himself. WOw, basically, I am asking what I can give to the relationship. No relationship is perfect, that is so true, but people can grow in a loving relationship and work on their issues as well. There are, however, tons and tons of people who are mismatched and unhappy, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction in their relationships.


Despite the fact that I am open to meeting someone, I must also live with the eventuality that I might not.

Why do I think that? Because I have been dating since 1985 and that, other than the 8-month relationship I had with that guy in 2009, really, there hasn'tbeen anything substantial other than flings. I have been in therapy, there really aren't huge intimacy issues with me, it would seem. My parents were loving, together until death, as were both sets of grandparents. I have been single, then, for 18 years, because my last long-term relationship of 5 years ended in 1998.


What makes me think that I would be able to meet someone now when I struggled so hard when I was young as well?!


Now the challenge is to accept that it might not happen and to deal with the grief and disappointment that that brings. It might happen too, but it also might not. I guess the solution is to be happy, to strive towards happiness and fulfillment, no matter what form my life takes.


Thankfully, I am attractive, smart, nice and surrounded by wonderful people I truly care about and who care about me, who are like-minded and fun. Life is amazing in that way. I also have this awesome career that is taking off in the direction I want it to go in. I am getting what I want once again and that truly makes me happy. It would be nice that that same energy could also be found in a relationship.

I guess I am letting go bit by bit. Finding a relationship is no longer the cornerstone of my life. I am not discounting it, I am still open to it, but I am also accepting that it might and trying to be free of cynicism.


So how do I accept that it might never happen?


My goal is to be happy, no matter what the circumstances. I want to just live, not have this be the focus of my life...but how to I stop from being sad and depressed and cynical about potentially being alone for the rest of my life?

Cause it is getting to that and I don't want it and I am afraid that no, there are no guarantees in life and no, there isn't someone for everyone. Some pots make perfectly delicious soup without a lid.

[CopperStar]

I just break it down in a very logical manner.

What do you get out of a relationship?

1. Social and Emotional Intimacy

You can get this from friendships, and all sorts of friendships, on various levels. There doesn't need to be any romance or sex in order to enjoy a fun, rewarding bond with someone.

2. Physical Intimacy (non-sexual)

That's what dogs and cats are for. They will happily cuddle up with you on the coach after work, warm and snuggly.

3. Sexual Intimacy

This is the one area where you have to make a compromise. Sort of. The "intimacy" in sexual intimacy is typically emotional. Again, you can get emotional intimacy outside of a romantic relationship. As far as sexual pleasure itself goes, get a vibrator and call it a day.

4. Entertainment

A good partner can be a source of laughs and interesting conversations. So can friends. Problem solved.

[Artchic528]

I am having the same difficulty as you hathi. I just want to be happy and not need to take any risks to be that way. If that means forgoing the dating scene than so be it.

[divine1966]

What does your t say? Do you attract wrong people? . Judging by your previous posts you have a tendency to chase men who are not interested ( so did I in the past so I can relate and something I worked in
Therapy on), are you using online dating? That might help. Do you have friends? Career? What do you do in free time? Do you have rewarding life besides relationships?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Curry]

Hi Hathi

I am in the same boat as you. My divorce has just come through, we tried to reconcile for six years but the mistress got in the way, as well as we did, if I'm being honest. This past year I have been searching for a new type of relationship. I want to be intimate with someone, with out the myth that we are going to ride off in to the sunset and live happily ever after. I like sex too but I want it to be with affection and exploring who each other are. I met several guys too. They have become dear friends but we are not meant to be partners. I like having dear friends and I go to Cuddle Parties which is a group in which you cuddle people in a non sexual way. Then I met a guy who brought up tons of emotions good and dysfunctional. It has been good to work on myself, as is he. But it is so complicated. I am working on a picture of me with my career, friends, hobbies, children, and time for me and God, and if this guy fits in one day, good; if he doesn't, then I'll just go around asking people for hugs. Let's create a new myth for single people - kind of like at university where you play and have fun with fellow students, where you share your heart and dreams and laugh with each other, and the only qualification is that you are at the same university.

[IceCreamKid]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a relationship, although nowadays it seems to be rather old-fashioned with a lot of people. I think this might be because they are getting their physical needs met and also because they don't understand the value of having a loving, exclusive relationship.

If you want a loving, exclusive relationship, I say hold out for one; half-way relationships based on the physical or on some sort of "I use you, you allow me to use you" dynamic are not going to be fulfilling.

A couple of things: If you have a therapist, please discuss your use of the word "boy" for a grown 50 year old man. There is a clue there.

And:

you wrote: "No relationship is perfect, that is so true, but people can grow in a loving relationship and work on their issues as well"

While I agree with you, I find men tend to be impulsive when it comes to initiating 'relationships' -- first they want to be sexually excited; then the other ways a relationship excites or fulfills filter in. That is a generalization, of course: better said it would be first a man wants his primary need satisfied (which might not be sex--for example a man who likes to use women financially would tend to go after women with access to $$)--their thoughts of "growing in a loving relationship" are way after the fact--and may never get to that point.

What it boils down to is: decide what you want and then go after it. If I wanted a loving, stable relationship, I would look for grown men who demonstrate they are loving and stable in other ways: they have friends, they have steady employment; they have hobbies; they are kind to others even when it does not directly benefit them. Frankly, at your age I'd tend to go with men your own age, or slightly younger, not older unless the man is a widower. And I'd make sure I was as physically attractive as I want to be under everyday circumstances--no total unrealistic makeover if I didn't intend to sustain that look.

[divine1966]

Same as above poster I also found it rather interesting you referred to 50 year old "boy". My BF is 50. Sure I use affectionate words that a bit of baby talk but I never referred to him as a "boy". My exhusband is same age and again I never think of him as a boy. I don't even think of my nephew or son in law as boys and they are in their 20s. I wonder where it comes from


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hathi]

A good partner can be a source of laughs and interesting conversations. So can friends. Problem solved.[/quote]

Very practical advice that definitely helps to manage the problem, but it certainly doesn't solve it.

I have all of what you have listed. I even have 7 cats. Alas, I still feel the same.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by divine1966

What does your t say? Do you attract wrong people? . Judging by your previous posts you have a tendency to chase men who are not interested ( so did I in the past so I can relate and something I worked in
Therapy on), are you using online dating? That might help. Do you have friends? Career? What do you do in free time? Do you have rewarding life besides relationships?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Actually, no, he doesn't say that. I don't have a tendency to chase men who aren't interested. I didn't continue the story after my last post so although from a few posts it might seem that way and I can certainly understand how you may reach that conclusion. However, it isn't the whole picture of who I am. With my last relationship, with the man who had BPD, I ended the relationship after he came back. I didn't add that part of the story.

He was actually quite interested, in the end, but I broke up with him. He was very distant in the beginning because he was preoccupied by a death in the family. His cousin had committed suicide just a month before I had met him and his mood was everywhere.

I go for men that have shared interests and values and that I am physically attracted to. At this age, unfortunately, there are many who are bruised and aren't as ready to jump into a relationship as when they were 25. This man just got divorced, I communicated to him that I wanted a relationship. He didn't. I ended it due to that.

I am just tired of disappointment...

But to answer your question, yeah, I have a brilliant career. I am finishing my master's degree and will be starting an internship with the United Nations in June. I also have wonderful friends, I am involved in social and environmental activism in my city. I weight train, I love to travel and I hike quite a bit. I have a very quirky sense of humour, also (which is why I started off the thread with the boy thing...please, don't read into it any further).

Life is great, actually, but then I meet men and it always seems like a disaster and then I just want to throw in the towel.

I have tried online dating. I don't like it, although, in the past, I did meet interesting people and learned social skills.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by Curry

Hi Hathi

- kind of like at university where you play and have fun with fellow students, where you share your heart and dreams and laugh with each other, and the only qualification is that you are at the same university.

I so love this!!!!!! And the idea of cuddle parties is a good one too.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Same as above poster I also found it rather interesting you referred to 50 year old "boy". My BF is 50. Sure I use affectionate words that a bit of baby talk but I never referred to him as a "boy". My exhusband is same age and again I never think of him as a boy. I don't even think of my nephew or son in law as boys and they are in their 20s. I wonder where it comes from


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wow, I had written something and it is all gone into cyberspace, Le Sigh.

As I had mentioned before, I have a quirky sense of humour and the boy thing is just something I say every now and then. I can definitely see how it can be interpreted in a different way as said quirkyness isn't easily felt on a message board. I assure you though, he is far from being a boy. He is a very interesting man with a great career. He is a well known journalist here in Canada (where I am from) and he also works for a social justice organization. We are both involved in activism. He has 4 children and was with the same woman for 25 years, which is probably why, at this point, he doesn't want to dive into a serious relationship. In fact, he told me that right now, he just wants to get laid.

So...do I want to be physical with him? Heck yeah! Do I want to be that one who is the receptacle of his wild oats, his rebound, etc? Nope. I want to be physically intimate with a boyfriend, not a casual fling. So, really, in the end, it isn't a bad thing that he doesn't want to pursue something with me.

Sorry if I wasn't totally clear in my initial posting.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a relationship, although nowadays it seems to be rather old-fashioned with a lot of people. I think this might be because they are getting their physical needs met and also because they don't understand the value of having a loving, exclusive relationship.

If you want a loving, exclusive relationship, I say hold out for one; half-way relationships based on the physical or on some sort of "I use you, you allow me to use you" dynamic are not going to be fulfilling.

A couple of things: If you have a therapist, please discuss your use of the word "boy" for a grown 50 year old man. There is a clue there.

And:

you wrote: "No relationship is perfect, that is so true, but people can grow in a loving relationship and work on their issues as well"

While I agree with you, I find men tend to be impulsive when it comes to initiating 'relationships' -- first they want to be sexually excited; then the other ways a relationship excites or fulfills filter in. That is a generalization, of course: better said it would be first a man wants his primary need satisfied (which might not be sex--for example a man who likes to use women financially would tend to go after women with access to $$)--their thoughts of "growing in a loving relationship" are way after the fact--and may never get to that point.

What it boils down to is: decide what you want and then go after it. If I wanted a loving, stable relationship, I would look for grown men who demonstrate they are loving and stable in other ways: they have friends, they have steady employment; they have hobbies; they are kind to others even when it does not directly benefit them. Frankly, at your age I'd tend to go with men your own age, or slightly younger, not older unless the man is a widower. And I'd make sure I was as physically attractive as I want to be under everyday circumstances--no total unrealistic makeover if I didn't intend to sustain that look.

Yeah, as I had said before, the boy thing is more my sense of humour. It is a bit difficult to convey quirkyness on a message board, so I can totally see how it can be misinterpreted.

But, you do make some good points. I agree, many men seem to try to get their needs met NOW. I think this is the case with this dude I met, we can call him W, for the sake of ease in communication. I also agree that one should go after someone with the qualities you have listed. Definitely good advice.

I am just curious why you suggest the narrow age range? I am 45, but I look much younger than my age. I am approached by all sorts of men of different ages. I do prefer men my age or a bit older. As a 45 year old, I don't find a 50 year old guy to be too old.

W is how you describe him, however, since he got divorced I don't think he is ready to be in a serious relationship. He was with the same woman for 25 years, he just wants to get laid. I want to be in a serious relationship, thus, the disconnect.

[Hathi]

I really thank you guys for your suggestions and help.

When I was answering your replies, things became much clearer in my mind. I have also had time to think about this recent setback and I feel better than I did a few days ago.

The rejection wasn't personal. I might have taken it this way because W was someone whom I was extremely attracted to for many reasons. We just aren't at the same place, him and I.

I think my feelings of loss are more intense when I am met with a disappointment like this one...but posting here helped.

I have read a great book called ''It's not you'' by Sarah Eckels. That helped me a lot to put things into perspective. I think there are tons of women out there who find it difficult to find a loving partner. Probably lots of men too, but I am not a man so I can't comment for the opposite sex.

This year, as I have said, I have met many men, just by being out and about and doing things. I have lost a lot of weight and am just more satisfied with my life. The thing that is also different from previous years is that I know what kind of man I would like to share my life with. Before that, I didn't. Similar values and interests, as well as physical attraction, are super important to me. I value kindness towards others, a person who is responsible, etc. I also value social justice, so I can't be with someone who doesn't care about others, or animals, or the environment. I just can't. I love to travel, I love the outdoors, I love animals. He loves all those things too. This guy had all those things that I was looking for. Unfortunately we don't want the same things right now. So he isn't the right man for me.

But, maybe, for myself, a better way of looking at the situation is to tell myself I am getting closer to meeting the man I want to meet.

And if not, yeah, I will try to find a way to not let this bother me so much. Try to find ways with my therapist to deal with the setbacks, that they aren't the end of the world...

I get what I want in life. I seriously do. Career wise, anyway. I am also surrounded by wonderful friends that I care for and that care for me. I worked on getting the body that I wanted (healthy and strong!) and am just happier than I used to be. Maybe the same success can come my way with a relationship?

[IceCreamKid]

You asked:

I am just curious why you suggest the narrow age range? I am 45, but I look much younger than my age. I am approached by all sorts of men of different ages. I do prefer men my age or a bit older. As a 45 year old, I don't find a 50 year old guy to be too old.

W is how you describe him, however, since he got divorced I don't think he is ready to be in a serious relationship. He was with the same woman for 25 years, he just wants to get laid. "

The answer is in your last sentence. Divorced men this man's age just want to get laid, and frequently by women younger to much younger than themselves. I've just found that men who are divorced later in their married lives are rather more damaged than I want to take on. A man who was happily married who loses his wife to death often wants to commit to a long term stable relationship because he enjoyed it the first time. A 40-something man, particularly one who has not already been married, might be just at the time in his life where he has experienced enough that he knows now he wants a long-term committed relationship.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You asked:

I am just curious why you suggest the narrow age range? I am 45, but I look much younger than my age. I am approached by all sorts of men of different ages. I do prefer men my age or a bit older. As a 45 year old, I don't find a 50 year old guy to be too old.

W is how you describe him, however, since he got divorced I don't think he is ready to be in a serious relationship. He was with the same woman for 25 years, he just wants to get laid. "

The answer is in your last sentence. Divorced men this man's age just want to get laid, and frequently by women younger to much younger than themselves. I've just found that men who are divorced later in their married lives are rather more damaged than I want to take on. A man who was happily married who loses his wife to death often wants to commit to a long term stable relationship because he enjoyed it the first time. A 40-something man, particularly one who has not already been married, might be just at the time in his life where he has experienced enough that he knows now he wants a long-term committed relationship.

Ah, cool, thanks.

I do see what you mean and it is definitely something to consider. That definitely is true for many men. That being said, I do know some men in their 50s who are divorced and who have happily moved on and found other partners, so I think it is important to not discard every single person who fits that category either. I also find that many men, no matter their age, after a breakup, will want to have sex with many women, including young ones.

There also definitely are many widowers that make wonderful partners. I was involved in the past with a widower that I thought was a the love of my life, and he broke my heart like no one else ever has. I am actually weary of widowers (there is a whole set of complications and issues that can be associated with being with a widower...again, not all widowers, but many), but, I am definitely willing to give them a chance as I could lose a great opportunity and don't want to discard a whole group based on a generalization. However, with any man now (lessons learned through experience), I want to get to know them first and gauge whether or not they are ready for a relationship.

I think that now that I have calmed down from my initial reaction last week (when I wrote here originally I really was hurting quite a bit), I can see that things aren't so black and white, that there are many shades of grey. Perhaps W will be ready in a year and if I am still single and willing to go that route, who knows, we could form a relationship. In the meantime, no. I will live my life and see what happens but I am not going to put it on hold for him or anyone.

[divine1966]

I think if people repeatedly aren't attracting available partners to their life then that's something about them that need to be healed. My t says that we attract people at our level. When we are emotionally unhealthy or not available or in pain then that's kind of people we attract. If we want to attract better suitable partners we need to be at a better emotional place ourselves. It totally makes sense to me. I wish I knew it earlier on

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[doodlefrog]

I think if people repeatedly aren't attracting available partners to their life then that's something about them that need to be healed. My t says that we attract people at our level. When we are emotionally unhealthy or not available or in pain then that's kind of people we attract. If we want to attract better suitable partners we need to be at a better emotional place ourselves

This explains a lot for me. Well said.