Attachment theory

I've been reading 'Attached' by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and I have to say it's been a real eye-opener for me. Would definitely recommend it! It actually might help save you from pursuing relationships which aren't right for you, and to be more self-aware in terms of why you're attracted to people who aren't able to connect with you on a deeper level. If you're an "anxious" type and find yourself in rollercoaster relationships with those you consider to be "avoidant", you'll definitely benefit from looking into attachment theory. If you're an avoidant and cannot understand why the hell your partner is turning into a needy, dependent person... this book might help you understand why.

If you've never heard about attachment theory, do a quick Google search, and then take the test here:

Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

If you go for option B you don't need to provide your email address or anything, and should only take a few minutes to complete.

Would love to hear from people who know about attachment theory (it's something relatively new to me, so I don't know too much), as well as your experiences with people of different attachment styles. It would also be awesome to learn others attachment styles... so please do share your results

This was mine:



I've read about attachment theory before, mainly in regards to how it applies to children and the effects on them when they grow up with PD parents.

I have taken a variety of little tests and I usually come up as Anxious/Avoidant, maybe more so dismissing at this point in my life since I just feel burnt out.

A very long but pretty good article on it: Understanding Anxious/Avoidant Attachment

I think this is related to Dr. Csíkszentmihályi's (wtf) flow model. What happens when you hone your meditative skills with daily practice and are capable of taking the flow state to everyday life. There's a really interesting TED talk about that, by the same person, here: https://www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csi...ihalyi_on_flow

Btw, thanks for posting, I found it very interesting and entertaining.

I was pretty sure you would be avoidant, juuuuust like my ex-friend. I wonder if you're also an ISFP ...you have to be!

Edit - I know, I'm sorry; I've compared you to her like 1646243 times now and I guess that's kind of rude. I just can't help it, you remind me of her so much. I hope I haven't offended you. I'll try to stop

oooo can't say I'm familiar with it, but it does sound interesting (not sure if/how it relates to attachment theory, though). Thank you for sharing!

Ha it's fine. You don't remind me of my former friend now that I've read more of your posts, and that was all that might have bothered me.

I am an INTJ when I take the tests. Although it is hard to tell sometimes if I am answering how I really am or I would like to be. Fuzzy territory, that stuff.

Sorry, I forgot to attach an explanation to the graphic.

You can find it here, better than I could explain it. https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-di...ace-equanimity

I guess that depends on whether your true self, or false self is taking the test, right? haha (I'm just kidding, honest!)

INTJ... hmm... I wasn't expecting that for some reason. I'm apparently an ISTJ, but I've also tested as an INTJ a few times too. Not sure what that means, but I'm no expert on MBTI to be honest (though I do find it interesting).

Thanks for sharing.

Interesting... but rather complicated I have to say!

Your posts always remind me of someone T oriented and I find them interesting for that reason. (I like MBTI and I'm F oriented.) Just thought I would mention it.

Mmmm maybe we could start a new thread on this? Would be kinda cool to know everyone's MBTI!

Weird. I'm almost in the exact same spot! Odd because I never thought of myself as dismissive. Hmmm.

ETA

I may go back and take the longer version of the test. I don't know why I fall on the lower anxiety side of things.

I have this book right now....fortunately nobody else wants it at the library so I just keep on renewing it. I've read it once and want to read it again. Its a pretty easy read for anyone who's interested.

Its definitely an eye opener! The biggest thing I've taken away from it is that I am an anxious person and because avoidants AVOID relationships, I'm much more likely to meet them at this stage of the game (in my 30's) because secure people have already settled down by now whereas avoidants are in the population in greater proportions because they continue to avoid serious relationships. Of course this just means things will be harder for me, but I think its better knowing the truth. AVOID AVOIDANTS! LOL. This is sort of my new motto because I EXCEL at attracting avoidant guys.

One of my old therapists worked with people who have attachment issues. I started seeing her for other reasons, but she said I definitely have attachment issue symptoms (but I don't think you can diagnose attachment disorders in adults?) Of course, most of her other patients were children (many of whom were adopted). I don't see her anymore, and its hard to find someone else who deals with attachment issues. (And I'm not even sure I want to dive back into therapy at this point because I don't want to destabilize.)

The book is a great read for anyone who finds it difficult to navigate the waters of relationships. I think that if anything it will ultimately end up saving me a lot of time. I will be able to walk away from avoidants a bit easier and I will be able to spot them from the get-go. And yes, I WILL be able to say "its not me, its you!" Ok, I would never say that to anyone, but if you meet someone who you know isn't a good match for you attachment wise, its best to walk away from the beginning rather than try and make things work (it probably won't).

I fell right on the dismissing line and it's funny because my partner is always accusing me of dismissing him. Oh boy.

I wont pretend to know anything about this other than my results are super accurate.

Oh I know, believe me... I tested as anxious-preoccupied, though that was when I was in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant person (I mention that because I do believe her avoidant nature significantly contributed to me being that way). It's sometimes referred to as the 'anxious-avoidant trap'. I've never felt crazy before, but I did in that relationship. I actually experienced very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance, and anxiety. I can see how a long-term relationship with a very avoidant person can make someone ill ...failure in communication, conflicts never get resolved, getting mixed messages all the time, not knowing what you actually mean to the other person etc etc ...ugh. I still love her to bits though, isn't that crazy? I wanted it to work out more than anything and I'm struggling to get over it. But I think the book goes some way in explaining all of that, so yes it is a really good book. Glad you like it as much as I do.

Hmm... it would be interesting to see if there's a link between attachment styles and personality disorders, and what that looks like. Like, I wonder if dismissive/avoidants have more traits that are considered to be narcissistic. I guess they would? Maybe?

I got nearly the same as you trippin:

Fearful (anxious/avoidant)...
"attachment-related anxiety score is 5.22, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 4.56, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance)."

"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the fearful region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or a lack of confidence."

This is somewhat surprising cause always thought I was mostly anxious and preoccupied, not avoidant at all... but I guess a lot of heartbreak and pain (suicide attempt, psychotic break...) Will do that to a person. Not sure how to change that without therapy but my therapist says my time is up so it's back to searching for one again. Bla. Don't know if I even really care about the relationship I'm currently in, although I want to. I'd even want to marry him. But I can't make myself feel love towards him.

I'm not sure if I can love anything any more. (Or make myself do so and honestly feel it). Hence I'm anxious that the guy obviously senses this and is going to leave, which is the anxious part. Idk how to let myself trust again.

P.s. I'm reading that book too, borrowed from a counselor who is willing to work with me on attachment (if I quit dodging my appts with him), although I only have a limited amount of sessions. Still, I guess it will be good to talk to him about what I've read when I go back to school in three weeks.

I should add that not all avoidants are like that, and some try really hard to make their relationships work. And I guess some are just happy the way they are, and that's OK too. There are reasons why someone might have an avoidant attachment style, and the link CopperStar gave is actually a really good read. I'm anxious-preocuppied so I have stuff that I'm working on too that are negative, no ones perfect!

I am INTJ too, according to tests.

Anyone else dismissive style?

Oh, trying to get to know avoidants is indeed a ride on the crazy train in my experience . You try to get closer but they are avoidant so they keep on running. I'm female so I also deal with the dynamic of guys being the main pursuers...... So guys pursues, I let him chase. The VERY SECOND I stop and give the go ahead to make something real, he lets the avoidant bit come in and does a disappearing act of sorts, backs waaaay off, etc. It's maddening.

I wonder why you say dismissives might have more narcissistic traits? I never considered the correlation with personality disorders.

Hazn wrote I came out as dismissive avoidant last night and I did have narcissistic traits in the past, however I also had borderline traits in the past as well. It is an interesting question. If I ever go into therapy again I will bring this up.

To me it makes sense that you would both acknowledge she made you mentally unwell but still have feelings of "love" and attachment to process through.

In my experience and also in a few observations of others, usually it's not that avoidants won't communicate, it's just that they will only communicate very subtly. We usually won't communicate with people we don't really care about, but when it comes to someone we do really care about, we just do it very subtly out of pathological caution. If the person we have a relation with happens to be an over-analyzer or fixer type, then it is very possible that they will learn how to pick up on our very subtle methods, even if it's only on a subconscious level.

So there can indeed be a bond and even communication going on, but it might be so subtle that it's far from being clear-cut on a conscious level. So you might wind up with all of the feelings, yet with very little clear-cut, objective material in your memories to go along with them.

Also, this can also cause us to idealize someone (if we are the shallow type) or to genuinely feel deeply bonded to a person (if we are the deeper type), because many avoidants wind up feeling like the world avoids us. (Ironic and our own making, but true none the less.) We can wind up feeling this way because we suck so hard at communicating and being brave, that most of the world isn't able to pick up on it (not the world's fault, of course). But our resulting experience is that we often feel like ghosts. So when we encounter someone who is able and willing to pick up our very subtle signals and patterns, that can be extremely special to us. So it is also possible for the other person to pick up on genuine vibes of love from the Avoidant, because they might actually be there.

As far as dismissive-avoidants being similar to narcissists, I would agree with that. From the outside, it can be rather difficult to tell an Anxious and a Dismissive apart, because the behaviors are often the same - UNTIL - the other person tries to strongly prompt communication. I think that is where the distinction is likely to become apparent. At that point, an Anxious-Avoidant is likely to respond; even if they weren't willing to initiate, an Anxious is usually soothed by the display of interest and care from the other person, allowing them to overcome their anxiety and attempt to awkwardly, anxiously fumble through a tough conversation. A Dismissive, however, will not consider it worth the risk and stress to respond, even if you are pressing them and making it clear that you care. They won't consider you to be more valuable than protecting themselves. This is similar to the core theme of narcissism, in that the narcissist cares less about others than they do about protecting themselves emotionally, at the bottom line.

I also think things can get messy and confusing, in that Avoidants can transition back and forth between Anxious and Dismissive. I know this is definitely true for me, and I have seen the same thing in 2 other people throughout my life. For me, my default setting is Anxious-Avoidant, but when I become overwhelmed enough or simply burnt out after too much over time, I tend to transition into Dismissive. It's sort of like blowing an emotional fuse, and all the lights go out when the fuse is blown. Right now such tests classify me as more dismissive than anxious, and it doesn't surprise me. I've been through some rough **** recently in life, currently have no friends, have had heavy things on my mind lately, and these days my general outlook on humanity is not that optimistic. But I can just about guarantee that the moment I am caught off guard and start to care for someone new, I will be right back in the Anxious category.

So just to say, that it is possible to bond with an Anxious-Avoidant, and then experience them transitioning into a Dismissive-Avoidant, which can make you question everything about the whole relationship. But chances are that the person simply had that emotionally-dissociative fuse-blow and has become someone who cannot possibly give you what you need and deserve in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you were dumb or delusional about things in the beginning.

Thank you copper star, that's really insightful , especially the last paragraph.