Need feedback please

Hi everyone, this is my first post here, hope it goes well.
Okay so I've been separated for 5 yrs. It's a very complicated story but I was hurt very badly by my separation. It took me a very long time and I still have a lot of feelings of anger and resentment and hurt. I'm taking depression and anxiety medication and I was going to therapy but am taking a break. I met my boyfriend 6 months ago through mutual friends. He's 12 years older than I but I love him. He completely won me over. I really do love him. But I have to be careful. I have 2 girls ages 11 and 13. They are having a hard time adjusting. My kids and bf have met each other and we have spent time together but my girls are really jealous right now. And when they would rather be somewhere else than with us he gets upset. Not only that but I feel like his family doesn't like me. Every time I'm around they like to talk about his ex wife. From what I know from him and our mutual friends is that she was not a good person at all. They've been married 30years but she's been in and out of the marriage, leaving behind their 2 boys for him to take care of. So I do have a problem with her coming up all the time. I've told him this and he seems un phased by it. I think it's rude and disrespectful to both him and I. I've told him it makes me feel unwelcome and it just really bothers me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being immature or if I'm making any sense at all. I don't feel like my feelings are being validated at all. Anyways, this Sunday we were out and I had told him I did not want to go because I already know how it is and he was all upset so I did end going only to have to sit there and listen to his best friend lecture me about his ex and 30years of marriage and I got really upset and ended up leaving. My bf and I got into a big argument and I couldn't stay. Today was the first day we talked and he's really mad that I ended up leaving that day. He said I shouldn't have done that. But I disagree, I am not ok with his friends and family feeling like it's ok for them to do what they do. I don't understand how it's ok to talk about his ex every time I'm there. Why? What good does that serve? I just don't get it. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
We're supposed to talk later today. Please help me understand. I really want to know where he's coming from because right now I just don't get it. I've talked to my friends about it and they agree with me. I love him but if I have to put aside my feelings for him I don't think this is not going to work. I hate having to put my feelings aside. How can we work on this?


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Hi haier. Good for you, you are going out there with a relationship. I will dive right in . What feelings are you having to put aside? Why do you care that others bring up his ex if that is what they know? (You are with him now). If this bothers you, maybe you should find someone who has been alone a good long while. He is bound to have other more stressful things for you about him since he has two boys and it appears everyone knows and shares his business. Good luck

haier, if that was happening to me I would be pretty upset too. Did you try explaining to your bf that it is bothering you? Ideally he should support you and drive the conversations away from his ex-wife.

Have you thought of taking a break from your relationship - not seeing each other for a couple of weeks to understand you feeling better?

I think that you should not overlook him getting upset about your daughters having other plans. Their jealousy is normal; how much effort is he devoting to winning them over? Have they met his sons? If so, how do they all get along?

What do people tell you about the ex?

How long has he been apart from his ex? I also wonder what they are saying about her. 30 years of marriage is a long time.

I'm sorry it took so long to come back. I had to think about all these questions. I talked to him and honestly things are not okay. We both have so much baggage.

To answer some of your questions...

1. I'm having to put my feelings aside when it comes to feeling like I don't matter. If he's with me now, why bring his ex up?
2. I care because she wasn't a good person. And even if that's all they know I think it's disrespectful. She did a lot of damage and it just changes the mood when we're all together.
3. Finding someone who's been alone for awhile is unrealistic. And his son's are adults and married. I agree with the "everyone shares his business " though. Maybe I should end it.



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I did talk to him about it but he says he can't control what other people say. He doesn't even try to do anything when her name pops up. I have thought about taking a break but I'm not sure what that entails. Currently we're only seeing each other one day out of the week. The thing is that he's really needy. He wants me to be there for him all the time. We were spending the whole weekend together w/my girls of course plus our weekly date night. Right now I stopped the weekend visits. He's really hurt about that and keeps telling me he wants "his" weekends back but I really don't care to do that. I feel like I'm giving way more than I'm getting back. I have no desire to be around any of his family and frankly I'm just scared of being put in the same uncomfortable situation over and over.

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First of all thank you. I completely agree. That's a huge issue right now. He knows my girls come first. He's been saying it this whole time. I almost feel like he's trying to use that as the reason why we're having issues instead of looking at the big picture. He's really good to all 3 of us. My girls like him but they're 11 and 13, they do think he's a lot older and somewhat boring but that's normal and I get it. I know they don't like that he wants so much of my attention. We used to go out a lot together with his boys and their wives and everything was good. The girls have witnessed his family bringing up his ex in conversations. Usually they talk bad about her. Nothing good. It's just an uncomfortable situation. I don't know how to respond. To his boys I just try to validate their feelings but won't comment on her character which is hard to do. She did a lot of damage and it's visible. The day I left ..his best friend started talking about her and he asked me what I thought about all the damage she did and I told him I did not feel comfortable talking about her. He then started going on about how it's normal and that's his ex and that yes, 30 yrs was a long time and no matter how unfaithful and destructive she was he(bf) was faithful and devoted to her and that I should respect that. That's when I got upset. I felt like I was nothing in that moment.
Maybe it's me. That's why I'm asking because I'm damaged too. I don't want to make the same mistake I made the first time. My ex was my first bf, I was married 13yrs and it wasn't a good marriage. It took me a long time to move on. I made a lot of sacrifices to make things work. I stayed for my girls not realizing that the inevitable would come regardless. I stopped trying when my girls who were only 7 and 9 at the time asked me to just let him go already. They didn't want their dad, he hurt us all the same.
I have no contact w/my ex. I have full legal and physical custody of my girls. Per therapist recommendations they have no contact with their dad. My bf and his sons also have no contact w/his ex. He's been separated for 3yrs. I've been separated for 4yrs.
It just hurts. I don't like the feelings that come with being in a relationship. I didn't want my marriage to end. I already feel like a failure. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I want a family. I want a companion. Someone I can lean on when I can't go on. Someone to laugh and share a laugh with. I don't ask for much. I work full time and take care of myself and my girls. I'm a good person. I just want someone to put me first. Is that too much to ask for? Am I expecting too much? Should I overlook this?
He's hurt because now I'm not spending time with him. We talk and text everyday and have our date night once a week. It's not enough for him, he told me. But he doesn't make me feel safe in him right now. He told me he feels like I'm pushing him away and I am. I can't talk to him though because I already know it's a dead end. I'm really sad and heartbroken.

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You mentioned more than once that you feel disrespected when the ex is brought up to you. Could you please say more about this feeling of disrespect?

I am puzzled by his comment. It sounds like the friend was suggesting that you were somehow doing something wrong, that you were somehow disrespecting your bf. No wonder you got upset! Can you say more about what the friend might have meant by this comment?

Hi.
Can I ask if you are both separated or divorced? You don't specify even though you say ex. Maybe his family thinks they might be getting back together if the papers are not signed.

I think people have somewhat different mindsets when it comes to separation. Just a thought.

Sounds that they might think you have to respect that he is still married?

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So....I just broke up with him. It was too much for me to deal with and was just as confused as everyone. I wanted to get insight and all these questions just put everything in perspective. Just please know, those who took the time to read and respond I appreciate your time and comments. Thank you. Maybe I'm not ready yet. I feel like I made a huge mistake and am feeling pretty down. I'm starting therapy again after a break. Hopefully I won't go for these losers. It's so hard to discern people's intentions. I need to do a lot of work on myself and that's what my focus will be from now on. No relationships for awhile for me.

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You were right to get up and leave. Good for you! Where he's coming from in expecting you to sit there and tolerate that crap is utterly beyond me to fathom. As the old saying goes, "You teach people how to treat you." Keep teaching. However, some people are just not educable. The family may not be, and that is not what's most important. But, if he is not educable, then you may have to walk.

The issue with your daughters may be related. Mabe they are just doing what preteens and teens do in not being gracious to your boyfriend. OR: maybe they have figured out that this guy is not coming from a good place, in terms of what he is all about. IDK. What are this guy's good points?

I am glad that you broke up.

It didn't sound like a relationship with any future especially since he is still married. I think that's why his family were unwelcoming to you. His ties to his ex aren't cut and it is no matter if she isn't nice. They are married plus who knows what really happened as you weren't there. And family might have different ideas about it.

I don't know why you are saying it's unrealistic to meet men who are single. Plenty of legally divorced men out there with or without kids. The fact that he has adult children ( so no custody issues) yet wouldn't get divorced speaks volumes. On top of it he thinks it's ok when they discuss his wife with you. He isn't available for a new relationship.

You can do better

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Well Haier i will sugest you to be very very very careful and to open your eyes good .You dont want to have a bad person in your life because i will suffer.I ont want to be negatively for you but this are the most inportant decizions in life .As about her parents speaking about her ex ,means they dont like you and its normal to do these things.Dont get afected by opinions and bad things of others .Good luck to you and dont forget open the eyes very large