GF spending time with her ex-BF

My GF and I have been together for 8 months. I'm only her second real relationship, before me she was with her first BF for almost 4 years. They got together when she was 16, and so I understand she'll always have those fond "first love" kind of memories that everyone has.

The point is, they broke up and she moved away from where they grew up. She didn't see him for over 2 years, it was in this time that we met.

A few months ago we moved back to where she is from, to be closer to her family. Since moving back, he started calling and messaging her non-stop. He knows about me, but doesn't seem to acknowledge my existence. He admitted he still has feelings for her and wants them to get back together. He is constantly bringing up old memories of the two of them, sending her old photos of the two of them, and basically trying to remind her of what they once had which I think is rather manipulative.

He also claims he has depression and other issues (undiagnosed), and uses this to get her to answer his calls. When she doesn't feel like talking, he'll say things like "please, I really need to talk to you, you're the only person who knows me well enough" and one time recently he even told her he was having a panic attack. He says she is the only one who can make him feel better. My GF is a very caring person, and has trouble in general to say no to people, so she always gives in, even though I've told her I don't like it. I think it's unhealthy. He should find other people to talk to - right?

For over a month I tried so hard to be open-minded and sympathetic. I myself have severe anxiety, which is probably why this is all getting to me way more than it should, so I understand what it's like to feel worthless (if that's what he's genuinely going through), so I was hoping she could offer some help and he would then move on. But it's still happening, and the fact that he is in love with her has just made it feel almost impossible to really cope with the situation from my side of things.

To make it worse, she was invited to a wedding this weekend (the 19th), which is in a city 2 hours flight away from us. She didn't have a +1 on the invite, so I've stayed home. The friend getting married is someone who she met through her ex BF when they were together. So he's there too. The past few weeks leading up to the wedding, he messaged saying things like "I'm so excited to see you!" and at one point he even offered for her to stay with him at his hotel - which thankfully she turned down the offer. She is staying with family who live nearby. I don't want to be a controlling partner, so I tried very hard to be okay with this. Obviously I couldn't stop her from attending since a bunch of her other friends will also be there.

She had to leave yesterday morning since we don't have a lot of money and she found a great flight deal from the 17th - 21st. So she's gone for 5 days, and I kind of assumed she would just be catching up with her family for the couple of days leading up to the wedding. She also studies online, and has some assignments. So this morning when I woke up I messaged her to say good morning, and she said she was going to study. Then about an hour ago, I messaged and said "how's the studying" to which she replied "not studying anymore, I'm having brunch with (insert her ex BF's name here)"

I don't like that she is hanging out with him voluntarily when she has no purpose to. She was going to see him on Saturday at the wedding anyway, so what good is it to see him earlier? I won't lie, I feel jealous/paranoid. I just don't understand why she would want this? Is it normal? I've never wanted to hang out with any of my ex's, even ones who I broke up with on friendly terms. I especially wouldn't want to see an ex if they admitted they were in love with me, and I was in a committed relationship with someone else.

Am I just being crazy/jealous/paranoid?

No you aren't being crazy. if you two live together ( seems a bit soon but ok) for her not having +1 on the invite is weird. Even if she didn't have it on the invite she had plenty of time to tell people she has live in boyfriend and he comes too. I have a bad feeling she wanted to go there alone. In fact she won't be alone as she will be there with him. I am not a jealous person but this will be a deal breaker.

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Do u know why they broke up?

They broke up because she wanted to travel and try new things and he didn't want to go with her. She saw that as a lack of commitment to her.

Oh and with the wedding invite thing, we've only lived together 3 months now, and the invite/RSVP for the wedding happened mid-last year (they planned very early) before we were even together. At one stage we did discuss the possibility of her asking the couple to add a +1 but ultimately decided not to because I'd also need to get out of work, and pay for the additional flight etc. If I had known the ex was going to become such a problem I would've actually pushed to get an invite. Just didn't know it was going to be an issue.

I posted a reply but it didn't seem to show up? So I'm trying again.

They broke up because basically she wanted to travel and try new things, and he didn't want to go with her so she saw that as not being committed to her. She said he was immature and wasn't ready to move out of his parents place and do more with her. He now says that he's changed and is trying to convince her that he'll do more of what she wants.

And, with the wedding invite situation, we've only lived together 3 months and the invites went out mid-last year. I think RSVPs were due around last June before we even got together. They planned this wedding very early. We did discuss later in the year about trying to get the couple to add a +1 but at the time I didn't see it as a big deal, I just thought it would be fine to skip it since it might be a hassle to shuffle things around. If I had known this ex-BF thing was going to pop up and be super annoying then I would've pushed for it.

Stop being so open-minded. This is more like you having holes in your head. At some level she is enjoying the attention from this guy. Tell her that you were a fool to ever tolerate any of this and that you are done putting up with it. Tell her it stops now, or you will not be with her.

Alternatively, you can continue passively accepting this. If you do, I predict she will end up in bed with this guy. That's what he is really after. He may not even really want the whole relationship back (or he would have been pursuing her harder, even after she moved away.) He wants to plant his flag once more, so he can feel she never got over him. That will boost his ego.

Your girlfriend doesn't know what she wants. She needs for you to be real crystal clear about what you want and expect. Stop deluding yourself by saying this is all due to her being such a "caring" person, and stop referring to "this ex-BF thing" as "annoying." This is way beyond annoying. This is you being made a total fool of. If you have hopes of being with this girl longterm, then curb this nonsense immediately. If she is really so ditsy as to have such complete lack of boundaries, then you need to have boundaries for the two of you. Women tend to fall out of love with men who do not command respect.

Thank you so much for your response.

So when I first posted, they were having brunch - and that was upsetting enough. But since then (in the past few hours) they have moved on to having drinks at a bar, and are now visiting his Aunt together (probably to have a couple more drinks).

I asked her if she'll be home soon so I can call, but she says they've now made plans to meet up with some of her family at a different bar tonight. So I don't think I'll get to really talk to her.

I then couldn't refrain myself. I posted everything I was feeling via Facebook messages. I told her that even if he is being cool and hiding his feelings today just to hang out, that I've realized I'm not okay with it. I can't even think clearly.

She hasn't responded to anything. The last thing she said was "I don't want to sit in my phone all day" because she's trying to socialize. I think she just doesn't understand.

So now she must be upset with me for venting everything while she's in the middle of having such a great day with her friends. But I couldn't help myself!

The more time that passes today, the more drinks she'll have and the less likely I'll get through to her, so I'm thinking I have no choice but to just forget about it for now and hope to god nothing happens. But I need to obviously get through to her, maybe tomorrow morning.

I would still love more opinions on this. And now that I'm feeling so upset, I'm literally shaking here, does anyone have some tips to calm down??

When she gets home, I think you should have a talk with her. First, find out if she has already had a change of heart and wants her ex BF back (she may tell you this). Are you planning on marrying her eventually? Now is the time to make those intentions clear. Otherwise, this is just a temporary relationship for you both anyway and you don't have any right to tell her to end it with the ex. But, if you both intend to commit to each other, then tell her you want her to end the 'friendship' with the ex. His intentions are obviously clear and totally disrespectful toward your relationship. She'll have to choose.

I broke up with a fiancé because of a wedding that he was invited to. They were his friends who we had been out with socially and who knew we were engaged and living together. The invitation said only his name. I had him call them and ask if they had meant to invite me. They said no. He asked if he could bring me. They said no. He asked if he could pay for my dinner and bring me. They said no. I told him I think he shouldn't go to the wedding without me. He said they were really good friends and he felt like he had to go. I said that he should just go to the ceremony then, but not the reception. He went to the whole wedding anyway. I broke off with him and moved out.

It wasn't just the wedding. That was the last straw.

I was definitely planning on marrying her. We moved pretty quickly in the beginning of our relationship because things just fell into place and it was easy. We have so many things in common, so many of the same goals/dreams/wants. I wont go too much into details to get off-track, but basically before this situation, it was amazing. Besides what she is doing now, she is an incredible girl - beautiful, smart (usually), funny, down to earth and we just have so much fun together usually. Never a dull moment.

She makes me happy when this isn't going on. So incredibly happy. I always suffered with anxiety/depression before, but it's been much better with her (until now obviously...) so yeah I would marry her right now if I knew she was 100% in and taking it seriously.

Today has been so awful. I think I've acted a little irrationally - with messaging her on Facebook. It would have just bothered her and upset her, rather than encourage her to see where I'm coming from. I should have waited for a better time.

I also just sent her a very long email about how I'm feeling. I asked her to read it when she gets a chance. It outlines how I feel and what I want. I asked her to just think about everything I've said, and I'm happy to wait until Sunday or Monday (after the wedding) to talk about things. I think she might not read it because she's upset about the FB messaging.

Should I have not sent the email now? Ughhhh.

Too late to worry about that. You sent it. You have a bigger problem than her connecting with this guy. What she's doing today is merely a symptom. The more fundamental problem is that she views you as weak and she is showing you her disdain for your weakness. She didn't have to even tell you she was spending so much of today with this guy. My guess is that she is looking to see just how much of a patsy you are.

Stop sending her any texts/messages whatsoever. That will put her in the position of wondering what's going on with you. If she telephones you to speak to you, barely talk to her and get off the phone as fast as you can. Project strength! (Regardless how you feel.)

Things haven't been as rosey as you thought. She is having a hard time feeling much respect for you. Notice what the ex did in the past: He didn't give in to her demands that he "travel and explore" with her. He said, "No." and let her walk away. You could learn something from this guy. She has more respect for him than she has for you . . . because he didn't give in. This is an ego thing with her now. She wants to see if he still wants her.

Put some lead in your pencil and firm up. You are being played.

Now that she is back, living close to family, I wonder if this is still an issue for her.

She will have to decide who she wants. If I were you, though, I would not be thinking of marrying her anytime soon. Even if she chooses you, she seems lacking in maturity when it comes to relationships.

I was interested that you said that you are doing so much better thanks to being with her. I wonder if she doesn't feel quite so needed with you anymore. I wonder if she needs to feel needed, and the other guy's emotional blackmail is playing into that need.

Thanks. I needed the honesty.

So roughly 20 minutes ago, I sent her one last message just to say "I'm starting to regret unloading on you like this. It's not the right time. We'll talk about it when you get home."

Then she replied saying "I've been waiting for you to realize that. Hakuna your tatas." (Which she says a lot, and what she means is calm down/stop worrying)

Her response still irked me a bit, but I then just said "I love you. Please still think about what you're doing. Talk to you soon."

And that's that.

I'm still worried about how things will go. I really don't want to loser her. I know I haven't painted a great picture of her here, but I promise you all - this is the only side of her I don't like. She really is an incredible girl otherwise. And as some of you said, it's probably my weakness and annoying traits that have pushed her to do this.

I definitely don't want to tell her that I realize I'm being weak and I need to work on myself, because that'll probably just make me look even worse and push her even further away. I need to be firm with what I've told her, and she needs to know that she's upsetting me, but somehow mention that I'm not perfect as well. Maybe I'll say we both have things to work on. She needs to show more commitment, and I'll work on trying not to overreact and get so emotional?

Bill3 - I don't know how to do the quote thing on here yet (still new!). But what you said about her feeling needed, I hadn't really thought about it. I think in some ways that could be the case - she's making me feel bad because in some twisted way she wants me to be upset and need her.

So now that I actually do need her (and need her to stop acting like this), hopefully she will come around. It's still messed up if this is the case, but at least I can work with it. If she admitted something like this I would just tell her she doesn't have to do this. I can tell her that I do need her all of the time, even if I don't always show it.

It may be that she sees you as being too needy. This is not the time to project your insecurities and your need for reassurance. That's exactly what she wants a change if pace from. The more you grovel before her, the less desirable you become.

Forget about this ex not having any respect for you or your relationship with her. He has none and no reason why he should. All's fair in love and war. He figures, if he can win her back, then he should have her. He's going to go just as far with her as he can get. I don't say this to arouse your anxiety, but to help you see what's at play here.

You've had this girl on a pedastal that she didn't belong on because that's what you needed to believe. Now you're seeing that she can be quite a piece of work. Don't make your entire sanity depend on her being faithful. As long as you believe that you cannot survive rejection by a woman, you will not have her full respect.

When she gets back from this wedding trip, she needs to be the one who begs for your relationship to be resumed.

Well I, for one, suggest that you not blame yourself for her behaviors. These are her choices, you did not push her to do anything.

I'm not suggesting this. I agree with Rose76 that you must not appear so needy as to seem unable to survive rejection by a woman.

Perhaps it is a fine line: to want and care about and love someone, but nevertheless also to be able to go on without them if necessary and/or if treated badly.

Honestly doesn't sound like she is worth the trouble.

I agree with Bill. Stop saying you pushed her to anything. She just decided to test how much you would put up with. That's not very loving.

So what would be the ideal thing for me to say when she's ready to talk? I don't want to apologize, I don't want to show her that I feel regret, I want her to know I meant everything I said about being upset - but in a way where I don't look so pathetic/needy.

If anyone has suggestions because the more I think about it, I'm just getting stumped. I don't want to mess this up by making it look like it's not a big deal to me anymore (this shows less weakness, but also makes her think I don't care about what's happened), but I also don't want to keep going on and on about how it's bothered me so badly.

I'm thinking something like "Seeing your Ex really bothered me, I was obviously very upset because I care so much about you, but if you're willing to let him go for good then I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm willing to just move past this and not bring it up again." - does sound alright?

No, no, no. The less you say the better. Stoney silence is the right demeanor. Lose the word "upset." The correct stance is furiously angry. You are a person who has trouble feeling angry. Flex your anger muscles. Humans are supposed to get angry over some things. You want to make this whole unpleasantness be over as soon as possible. No. You need to drain this experience to the dregs, or it'll just be the first in a long line of such experiences.

Stop positioning yourself before her as the supplicant. It makes you look unsexy. You want to talk this thing to death as soon as you can get ahold of her. Let her do the talking. Let her worry about what to say.

There are times when being angry, sullen, brooding and silent is exactly the right way to be.

Okay. I can do that. I admit it's extremely hard for me. You're completely right about me always wanting to explain myself, and I always feel like I'm the one who has done something wrong.

I so badly have the urge to just keep messaging her. Especially because right now she is still with him, and she'll be with him still for the next several hours. I can't change that I guess. So I'll try to ignore it. I'll just try to keep busy.

It'll be hard because it's new behavior for you. Time to expand your repertoire of behaviors.

Go get drunk, if you have to. But stop pulling on her skirt. What she us doing is cruel. Get mad and stay that way. She needs to make up to you.

There is a possibility that you may find out she is not really in love with you. That's an awful thought, I know. But you need to face whatever is the reality. But, jump to no conclusions yet.

There are women in this world who actually prefer men that they can treat like jackasses. And there are men who are willing to adapt to that role. I've met such couples. Decide you are not available for that kind if a relationship, or that's the kind you'll get.

Thank you so much. Really, this has been helpful. I'm having a couple beers, watching TV.

I wish I knew people here. Moved here to be with her and don't have any friends here. That's also something I need to change. I need to meet some new people so my life doesn't revolve around her 24/7!

Thanks again everyone. I'll post some updates if anything happens.

You didn't say anything that you need to apologize for, and I am glad you are leaving her alone now.

When she comes home, whoever brings it up, all you have to say is that you don't approve of her continuing her new found chummy friendship with her ex. His inviting her to share his hotel room was totally disrespectful to her and to you.

Hopefully she will tell you she thinks he's an *** and doesn't want to talk to him again anyway.

If she protests, you know she is far from ready for real Committment. And I agree with Rose that if you look the other way and allow her to have this friendship with her ex, she will see you as being weak or uncaring.

Would she like it if you were spending the weekend with your ex?

These two had 4 years to make a go of their relationship. Instead, it just fizzled. So they were not all that deeply in love. Of course, like any couple they had their happy moments. Four years is long enough for them to have gotten to know each other well. So, now, after a two year hiatus, they both think it might be fun to try the old chemistry again. I doubt they wouldn't just end up with the same problems that caused them to part once before. Like I said above, he may just be looking to see if he can score.

This little dalliance probably won't go far, but it could be very damaging to the trust that you and she need to have to continue what the two have started to build. What she's doing is totally wrong, IMHO.

It does sound like, either, you will have to put your foot down, or this guy is going to be hovering on the periphery of your life. That would be intolerable for you. The person who needs to straighten up is her, not him. She has given this guy a ton of encouragement. So, now, installing appropriate boundaries will be a challenge. Either she has to decide that she's not all that into you, or she should conpletely cut off contact with him. She can't have her cake and eat it too. She has no right to be causing you this pain. You wouldn't do this to her.