Seeking advice

Wanting to say thank you once more to all who responded and gave their opinions on this matter.

Slept pretty solid since (about 30 hours since saturday) and I currently feel like a lot has been lifted off of my shoulders.

((((((( TJ )))))))

Well, a bit of a development today: Been almost 2 weeks since I sat down with her, and I had left it at that. My CPN had speculated that in her opinion I'd probably hear from her again within a month... and today, I got a text. Basically reminiscing on some good time we had and that she was sorry she'd spoiled it.

I replied that it was good to hear from her, that she hadn't spoiled anything... had just not been the right time for her to chat and re-enforced that she was welcome to contact me when she was on the mend.

Continuing this thread as I've been left fielded a bit today with regards to this person. Our contact has been reduced and was starting to look relatively healthy... and then she called me today:

I attend an occupational therapy center 3 times a week to build confidence and socially interact with others... this has been a rocky road... but I've stuck with it and have been attending for about 10 months. I have been advised that I am not near discharge point yet so I as far as I am aware, will be going for the foreseeable future.

Her occupational therapist in hospital (she's still an inpatient) has been in contact with this center... and she has an appointment for assessment next week. In my head I just felt the world collapse somewhat... I don't know what to do... I am worried about frequent contact relapsing into the unhealthy state our friendship became.... Worried about saying anything to the people at the center as I don't know what their response will be (they are aware of the back story, but I don't think they know who she is as I never gave or knew her last name).

In addition to this, with my Birthday being a couple of days ago... she asked for my address to send a belated card... I attempted to change the subject but she stated 'you don't want to give me your address do you?'... felt really trapped and didn't want to say no... so kind of left it hanging. Here in lies a problem... a previous patient from my first stay in hospital who I was friends with there... ended up moving onto my road and comes by the house unprompted frequently... my wife isn't particularly happy about this as she's concerned about my well being... when I asked for her advice about the lady on the phone today she categorically said no due to the history to date... even said I could blame her for it in speaking/texting... I said no as I feel that would be cowardly and unfair... gah...

In a bit of a fretful place right now.

Your last post sounds as if you are perhaps scared of her/the affect she may potentially have on your life TJ, is that right?

If I were you I'd have a word with the staff at the centre, if you feel worried about talking about it then maybe writing it down in a letter might be another option. You seem as if you've been making steady progress, it would be sad to endanger that.

Oh TJ. {{hug}}

No doubt at all that you need to protect yourself -- in all respects. This person has already had a quite negative impact on your personal, private world -- internally and externally (imo o'course).

Me, I'm w/ yr wife on this: I think it would be absolutely truthful and correct to simply say, "We have had some adverse experiences in the past, and neither my wife nor I are comfortable giving out any further info re our location. We have an agreement that we will neither of us do this."

I think that covers the situation, right?

As far as she possibly showing up at the same occupational counselling center, yeah that's potentially sticky. but at least the staff there are aware that there was a problem in the past, and should it arise again, they have the info to hopefully be able to backstop you and divert her away? I hope?

Pls take care of yourself. This person is sounding more and more like a serious pest.
\

xo

Chyia, worried for you

I could not handle this. Someone else telling me they are going to kill themselves would just flip me out. I'd have to go no contact and cut this off. Sorry.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that I would let the center know what has been going on. If she still comes there anyway they could make efforts to schedule you when she is not around. Under no circumstance would I give her your address. From what I've read here keeping your distance has been good for you and you should keep it up.

I think the center that you are now having successful treatment at needs to know. Maybe have a private meeting with the person who is directing you in the program. Just give them the facts & let them determine what they feel is the right thing to do. That way everything is upfront & known about.

I understand your concern & that is could very easily upset the progress you are making

Also, remember that she wasn't abandoned by those people who left her....she smothered them away with her neediness & they left for their own well being...hardly abandonment in those cases.

I had a lady like that I met one time in the hospital & lived in the same city. I had OD'ed & was in the medical hospital. She called me & told me that she had OD'ed. Lol I couldn't call 911 from the hospital phone to get her help. I had to call the operator & she said I shouldn't need 911 if I was in the hospital.....took a bit to get through to her that the help wasn't for me but for a lady that had contacted me.

I didn't need that kind of drama in my life when I was having a hard enough time dealing with my own crap.

It's best to keep your distance & make sure the place you are in treatment at knows you need to keep that distance if they do accept her in treatment there.

Thank you very much for the replies... nothing much has changed; my wife decided she was going to call the center today to more or less at least make them aware of her concern and so they would be aware of the situation. Unfortunately the manager who she needed to talk to had gone home early.

She's going to try again first thing tomorrow morning and then text me to let me know how it went (since I'm due to go in at 9:30)

Received 2 more texts from the woman... have not responded for now... will leave it till tomorrow and see how things are then.

Edit: Wanted to follow up on the following reply as I guess it did raise a point to address:

A bit yeah... she puts me in awkward situations verbally as I don't know (perhaps down in part to my ASD) the best way to respond without dropping a clanger. In addition to that, things had come to point where she was becoming very suffocating... however strange this might sound... like I was the only man/person in her life and if I didn't correspond to her expectations she would have a massive melt down.

What's worse is that I didn't really recognize it progressing to that level... it was my wife who pointed it out... and as far as I'm concerned, my wife is my world. I don't want anything to jepodise that... likewise, I have become uncomfortable with the notion of being alone with this woman... a kind of fear that she could go bat **** and throw accusations my way. Truth is, I would never do anything inappropriate... but the fear of being wrongly accused if I wasn't to do what she wanted, worries me... I know this is a fear that hasn't happened and is probably irrational... but it's there. Is part of the reason I suppose I have kept acknowledging her.... just writing this just feels so stupid and I hope that it doesn't offend anyone. I think people from both genders are capable of manipulation, so I am not trying to insinuate that she might do this because she's a woman.... I think it's more the opposite gender situ... and could easily be vise versa.

I did and do like her as a person... but she is going through a very unbalanced time right now... just as I am I guess (though things have been improving)... and she does have huge knee jerk reactions to stuff.

I guess the other fact is... I just don't know her well enough... for the most part my main interaction with her was for a month or so while in hospital and then the rest was by phone and text... I've never really seen her outside of the context of hospital, so I don't know what she is like with other people or why in some case they have come to avoid her.

Cut the cord. She is her own responsibility, not yours. Just because others have "desserted" her does not mean that you are somehow obliged to stay. She's very clearly using you and manipulating you, and I would advise cutting off contact. Who knows what will come next?

Seesaw

There is nothing crazy about your thoughts about this. It is very possible since you don't know her that she could accuse you of doing something you haven't done. When you don't know a person & know whether you can REALLY TRUST them, it's wiser to use caution & protect yourself against anything that can possibly happen. She has already proved to be unstable you don't know what all that might entail farther than what it already is. Better safe than sorry.

Nothing offensive about that at all ToeJam, I think others on this thread have used the word 'manipulation' and I agree she does sound manipulative whether she is aware of this or not.

As a married man you could always use this as your 'get out' to distance from her, say something like you don't feel it's appropriate to spend time alone with another woman as you are married, that's perfectly reasonable. Or that you are going through challenges yourself and can't give your time.

The center I go to are now aware and will ensure that should she begin attending, it will be on different sessions to me.

In addition to this and after speaking to my psychiatric nurse this afternoon I've finally decided to bite the bullet and put a block on my phone. I am not holding this lady responsible for the following... it is my issues... but over the past couple of days (and due in part to other things that have been building up) things came to a head today and I needed to call my CPN as an emergency... I've now been referred to the crisis team.

To lower my own stress, I need to do self care... and I guess blocking communication is one step in doing so. Should have done so a long time ago... my nearest and dearest were stating as such... but decisions like this need to be in my own time and own deliberation.

I'm glad to hear you are blocking her. Now you can focus on your own healing once again. I hope things can settle down for you soon.

You are so right....decisions like this do need to be on tour own time of realizing the big picture of what is happening. Most of us want to give people the benefit of the doubt & don't want to feel like we are overreacting. The good thing about this is that you know you are convinced it's right & you aren't just doing something someone else told you to do. You have used your own wise mind to make the decision. Sorry you had to get to a struggle place before you realized it but that sometimes happens with a kind heart. Glad you have taken positive steps to care for yourself

Didn't know this was possible (unless she used another phone), she is circumventing the block by leaving voice mails... I can't win.

If it becomes of a harassing nature, there's always legal avenues that can be utilized.
I didn't realize that blocked numbers could go to vm either.

Could you get a new sim card (new number)? I know it would be a pain to have to let all your contacts know but it would solve the VM issue.

yeah if it comes to that, there is this possibility but at least there's a fix for it if it does get that bad.

I'm sorry you're going through this Toe

Android or iphone?

Here is a how to block for androids (but it sounds like it's may not possible to block from the voice mail?)
How to Block a Phone Number From Calling Your Android Phone