I think I'm having a full-on meltdown

I am turning into a literal scary crazy person.

I have messaged JD several times telling him I need closure and that he may as well talk to me because I am not leaving him alone until he does.

I suspect there was someone else in the picture. Very strongly suspect it. And honestly, the fact that someone would possibly drag me along like that messes with me so hard.

I don't think I've communicated with someone who has effed with my brain this hard. I feel like all of the work I've done in therapy has been ripped apart. I feel like everything I believed about myself and about other people has been put into question.

This is NOT me, and I don't like it. I'm scared.

And I hate my job. I literally hate going in, I'm afraid the entire day. I think I'm developing IBS because of it. I can't eat before work, I don't eat much lunch on my lunch break. I have 3 days off, and I can't enjoy them, because all I can think of is going back to work. And then people ask me about work and I want to punch them, because I don't want to talk about work.

I don't actually want to talk about anything.

I just want to go back to before: Before I started this job, before JD, before...even though I was fairly poor, my job was dead-end, and my friendships were still somewhat unfulfulling, and I had no romantic prospects to speak of. At least I wasn't sick to my stomach with diarrhea every day. At least I still had that friend who'd always just been around for the last decade, checking in every once in a while with a positive, affirming comment. At least someone over the last 10 years was telling me I was pretty, and was validating me as a female. At least my life was predictable with my job, and I knew what the hell I was doing.

I don't want to do this anymore. I am not happy. I just don't want to do it anymore.

And no one is picking up the phone. Of course JD isn't responding because I am literally a scary, crazy person to him, now, which just makes me feel worse about myself but whatever; that's actually what I am right now. I'm scaring myself. And none of my friends are answering their texts. Which isn't new.

How come whenever someone needs me, I am there? It is my job in life to be there, to help--I literally get paid to help people, but I do it even outside of my job. But when I am in desperate need of someone offline, someone tangible, it's like pulling ****ing teeth? A simple request for JD to talk to me turned into the demise of our whole friendship. My friends? Basically can't get a hold of them when I need them. Maybe over text, but I could never say, "Hey, I really need you," and they'd be there.

Why the **** am I here??

Don't know how I came across your post,
but just wanted to say,
take a deep breath,
try to clear your head ,
do something that makes you feel better,
whatever that is, a chocolate chip cookie, a cup of dunkin donuts coffee, a warm bath, fresh air,
your favorite tv show,
anything positive, whatever it is you like...

Give yourself at least 15 mins. to chill out,
and then re-evaluate the situation and how you want to react to it.

Since u r so good at helping other people, I'm certain you'll succeed at helping yourself right now.
Treat yourself kindly, like u would treat your very best friend...

BTW, U are here because ur a very unique person - that likely has so much to offer the world.
Good Luck
I'm confident you can do it, calm down to prevent a full melt-down...TTYL

I have no best friend, and I've never treated myself very kindly.

I am hardly worth the effort it takes to even tell me goodbye. I am very easy to abandon...lots of people have done it, after all.

Relationships come and go, friends, boyfriends, husbands...nothing in life is constant, except YOURSELF.

I can tell u are a very special person because u seem to care about everybody else...Nice, compassionate people r in short supply in this world.

I want you to try (force yourself) to do or say something NICE to yourself right now.

Even if you have to pretend (don't think u deserve something nice), do it anyway...

I will too (for myself) - BC I know/think I might also be heading into one of those sleepless nights, that I do nothing other than worry and ask myself why I must keep going...

BTW, I hate my job right now too, and it's my own business -LOL
When we're feeling awful, it's hard to see the good in anything, only the bad.

Don't know if ur still here, but just wanted to say goodbye, for now- I'm not feeling too great and need to lay down.

I'm hoping u take my advice, do something nice for yourself,
and try to block out the bad thoughts until tomorrow.
Things always seem brighter in the morning.

I don't know much about u, but if I had some type of medicine (tranquilizer or sleep pill) I would probably take that too.
Sometimes going to sleep, (it's 11:30 pm where I am) is the best option, when we feel too overwhelmed or discouraged to deal with anything.

Take care.

And btw, if ur meltdown doesn't improve, try to be/go somewhere u feel safe.
I live alone, and when I'm feeling really out-of-control at night I have a few places I go, and although usually only strangers there, it always distracts me to be around & talking to other people.

I've actually made some new casual friends (women like myself with common interests) on those nights I was too depressed or stressed to sleep.

I don't know where u live or what options are available, but sometimes even places like Denny's (open all night) can be a great distraction, and a good place to calm down.
(Always surprises me how many people are alone at night at these places, I assume they're traveling tourists, or just got off work, and I think they assume I did too).

I have no medicine. I have nowhere to go to be safe. Being out in public stresses me more.

I don't actually give a **** about other people right now, tbh. That's part of the many reasons I hate my job.

So uh... JD actually responded to me. Color me surprised.

Basically, it was "You're acting like a stalker. Breathe. I'm not going to be compelled to do anything I don't want to do, but I will communicate with you if you stop pushing at me."

Valid.

"I am sorry you're hurt. I'm sorry I hurt you. I malfunctioned in ways I don't like. But you got very paranoid, and very, very pushy."

Also valid.

"You're more likely to get communication over email, but not this weekend because..." reasons, stuff, etc. "I'll email with you soon."

I've been talking to a friend for the last few hours about stuff in general. I have been breathing. I am...not great, but okay. I'm just unhappy in general. I don't like my life. I don't like how I behaved with JD. I am angry with myself. I am sad. I am mad that I have chosen a career which makes me anxious, and I feel stuck.

I replied to JD that I agreed, I am acting like a stalker, and I apologized. I said I am scaring myself, and I don't like this side of myself. I said I am malfunctioning in ways I don't like and haven't seen in a very, very long time.

I told him this, something I didn't realize until tonight: I feel our communication may have triggered something which I thought I'd dealt with, but has apparently just been locked away. I lived, for all of my formative years, with the people I cared about showing me very little attention and then basically ignoring or neglecting me. I learned early on to push for affection, in whatever way I could. I learned to be manipulative and hyper-vigilant as a little kid. And then those people left. I find myself in relationships with men who mirror the same mode of showing affection that I grew up with, and so I also fall into the same patterns of behavior I once learned. I'm not proud of it, and it isn't who I want to be. I think I deserve better, and I'm sure not all of these men are bad, they just aren't meeting my needs. But I don't really know what that looks like. I said, I'm sorry, I don't know any other way to behave when I feel someone is withdrawing from and/or neglecting me. Though I know it's not functional, this is, literally, all I know.

I don't mind sharing that. Especially because, hopefully, it helps me look a tad less insane. Coincidentally, I have an appointment with my T tomorrow afternoon--definitely have a lot to discuss.

I really hope there isn't someone else ... I know first hand how devastating that is

I am sorry. I don't know what to say at this moment as I am in a rush but sending hugs. Do talk to your t and maybe your doctor as well?

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It was very nice of him to respond. I've been blown off before without even deserving it, and then ignored, no response ever again. And I sent one or two sane emails trying to clear up any misunderstanding or ask for the courtesy of an explanation. It's such a horrible, triggering feeling when there's nothing to do but deal with the pain by yourself with no closure.

I understand about the stress from work, too. I had a very stressful job situation I had to deal with that gave me diarrhea and honestly my stomach hasn't been the same since! I also get a very painful shooting pain across my back sometimes from work related stress. Stress is a killer!

I say listen to your body. I know you worked hard to become a nurse and obviously you don't just want to walk away from it, but you might find some area in nursing that doesn't stress you out as much.

There is honestly nothing I can do about work right now. I'm not even off orientation as a new nurse, and I signed a 3 year contract. I'm pretty stuck.

My doctor won't do anything; she's a family practitioner.

Same as Tisha I hope when you can you can get a less stressful position in nursing. My fiancée is RN and he says that ER wouldn't be for him, he thinks it's for younger people who are in a better physical shape. He does better with long term care patients. Not every job suits everybody.

I teach special Ed at a high school, it's a zoo every day but I love it, plenty of special Ed teachers wouldn't set their foot in high school but I would never want to work in elementary school.

There is no cookie cut positions, everybody has their strength in the field, just got to find it. Give it time please


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Can she help with stress relief?

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Do you have any hobbies or passions? In the past I've successfully used my passions to help work through times of horrible insecurity and depression over my job and relationship. I poured myself into art and music and left my self worth in that realm instead of allowing it to be touched by my career and romantic discord. Maybe art and music are particularly therapeutic because they are about expression. But, if you have other interests to pursue I'd suggest maybe trying to have some new adventures with those things. It might be easier to find things to be excited about if they are related to things you're good at or that simply interest you intellectually.

I think I do understand how you feel. You have no idea how much I wish I could comfort you. I hate hearing that someone has made another person feel abandoned and worthless without proper explanation, but that says more about the people who are abandoning you than it says about you. I wish there were a way to make you believe you're special and valuable. I feel that sadness.

Like, how? I'm a nurse. I know all the stuff she could tell me about stress relief.

You keep saying I should find another position in nursing. I keep saying I've a) told my residency that I want to move. There are no departments that want me. b) I am in a 3 year contract. I am, literally, stuck for 3 years.

Yes. As I stated in another post, I have lots of hobbies. A fair amount of friends. Doesn't matter. This isn't all about him--I'm not so weak that I lose my ******* mind just because of a guy. The issues with the guy, besides the fact that we are incompatible, were precipitated by my issues with my job.

I am unhappy in my life and completely over it. I've been unhappy for 38 years and don't want to do it another second.

I know. I am just trying to say to try to suffer through this now thinking of having something better 3 years from now, I also thought maybe 3 year from now you can move somewhere. Just got to manage these 3 years. I am just trying to get some ideas for the future

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I can't do this for 3 years. I go to work every day scared I'm going to hurt someone--not on purpose, but just because I was too busy or whatever. It would be that way regardless of where I worked.

I have worked with nurses who were less competent than I--as experienced professionals--and I have no idea how they made it as long as they did in my department. I am tense all day if I get even a little bit behind, and there are some people I work with who are so effing slow, who sit and gab with their patients...how the eff do you have time??? I don't even have time to drink water or pee! I literally don't! I drink one 40oz bottle of water in a day, my bottle that I filled at home before work. I both don't have time to drink and don't have time to fill it back up.

Much of it is that I'm really hard on myself. I am a competent nurse, and, energy and competency-wise, well-suited to ER. But hard on myself or not, I don't enjoy nursing. I loved ER as a tech. And I love the environment, still. I just hate nursing.

Hi- I've been thinking about you, and hoping you are OK. Thought about you during the night (I always wake up every few hours, very poor sleeper these days)
and I was very worried about you.

Although we are strangers, I feel like I know you better than I should (how you feel)...Maybe it's because we have certain things in common,
E.G. I used to work as a clinical RN in hospitals (in my 20's-30's)...I am now alone...I've had some (few) unhealthy chaotic relationships,
and most important,
I often feel worse than I should when "rejected",
whether it be a boyfriend, husband, friend or sometimes even strangers.
Plus, Being Alone, is the only time (these days) that I feel safe.
(Sometimes, and likely too often, to survive life I need to be away from chaos and the dumb things people too often say and do).

BUT, this is why
I'm strongly suggesting that you GET OUT,
(fresh air, different environment, even if it is hiding in the back of a library or corner booth of a diner).
do something nice for yourself,
and try NOT to evaluate your life and future,
UNTIL you're feeling better.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY TAKING ON TOO MUCH,
AT A TIME
YOU ARE NOT FEELING WELL ENOUGH
to deal with even the basics of everyday life.

(Your dissatisfaction with your job will be there tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. Your relationship too may need to be put on hold (blocked out) to deal with another day).

Pick only ONE PROBLEM to think about and fix today. (something simple).
It took years for your life to get to this point (good and bad), and you can't fix or think about EVERYTHING in one day.

Actually my gut advice to you,
is don't even try to "fix" anything today.
Clear your head, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF,
and when you are in a better frame of mind,
list the things you want to change
(to make your life better, happier and more enjoyable), prioritize,
and focus on ONLY one problem at a time.

Hugs & wishing U only the best

I want you to have a Peaceful, Positive & Productive day.

Only do and think about things that will help you to reach that goal=PPP
Peaceful...Positive and Productive.

When I get out-of-control and overwhelmed, I repeat those 3 words to my self, like I ask myself,
what can I do right now, that will lead to me having a Peaceful, Positive & Productive day?
...And then I do those one or 2 simple things.

Right now I'm going to,
1). Get something to eat (I'm starved) and then next,
2). I'm going to resume working for a few hours so my customers don't call/email and harass me, for not meeting my deadlines this week...
Btw, what does "tbh" stand for?

And, if this post sounds "dumb" please just ignore it, or laugh at it, since I'm likely one "of those dumb people U need to IGNORE today- LOL (just kidding).

It means "to be honest."

Thanks for the reply...would write more, but I'm at a coffee place, on my way to my T appointment.

I am so sorry it's tough

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I find it helpful not to compare yourself to others. It doesn't matter how others do their job. You aren't them. I have worked with some lazy people who kept their jobs for 30 years! Now could it be that it's just that first year is tough? First year is tough as it is.

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