[Twisted Hell]

my first relationship lasted 6 years, I left because of abuse that had been going on 5 of those years (it was only physical for maybe the last 2). my second relationship lasted 6 years, I married him after the first year, and everything seemed good and now I found out he has been cheating on me along with some very horrible other things and I'm leaving him (this one was sudden and forced as he is actually not allowed to come to the house). and I feel like maybe I'm just not meant to find someone who is a nice decent person, maybe I'm not supposed to be happy, and yes I know I shouldn't need someone to be happy and I don't but I do need some level of love, (oh and I've never "friend zoned" anyone because I've never been single for more then a few months), maybe they were good decent people and something about me just turns them into these major assholes two completely different personality men turn out to be such jerks, only thing i see in common is me.........

[Trippin2.0]

Yes the common denominator is you, but that does not mean you're turning these men bad.

It simply means you have a knack for choosing the wrong type of men, very fake men, who probably hide their ugly quite well.


I can't comment on your current situation, as I have no clue what your husband did, but I am really really sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.


Sending good vibes, kindness and strength your way.

[Twisted Hell]

my current situation isn't what I was talking about, but basically my husbands been arrested, all my children have been questioned by police, I don't really want to talk more about that on this thread, I have another thread that has that information.. as explaining that is what I've been doing all day to family... my first boyfriend, things got so bad so much faster I figured he already was not very nice, he progressed alot with me from emotional to physical abuse, I was the first women he ever hit, so I feel like maybe I changed him from just a mean jerk into an abusive jerk, I felt like that ever since I found out he's abused women since I left.. alot faster then with me... my second serious boyfriend whom I married I saw past all "type" regulations thinking my "type" is clearly defective (I had boyfriends in-between they just weren't serious and also were all jerks even faster then my first bf) and he wasn't fake like the others, from the start the others only ever said nice things where as he.. said nice, and stupid things that probably should have earned him a playful slap (if I believed in hitting people) I was upfront with him about everything, before we started seeing each other, maybe I should have been less trusting? (but trusting is my nature) i told him what was and was not acceptable to me, and for 6 years I believed he was keeping that trust, as clear as he could (because I had a few things that even I thought where on the verge of crazy I over looked those) that is 6 year of lieing.. how can someone lie about everything for that long, unless I changed them? or unless I'm just really not supposed to be happy? maybe I'm just here (on earth) to weed out bad people have them arrested and never really stay happy?

[Fuzzybear]

[IceCreamKid]

I'd like to help you see some things. I have highlighted certain things you have written:

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

my current situation isn't what I was talking about, but basically my husbands been arrested, all my children have been questioned by police, I don't really want to talk more about that on this thread, I have another thread that has that information.. as explaining that is what I've been doing all day to family... my first boyfriend, things got so bad so much faster I figured he already was not very nice, he progressed alot with me from emotional to physical abuse, I was the first women he ever hit, so I feel like maybe I changed him from just a mean jerk into an abusive jerk, I felt like that ever since I found out he's abused women since I left.. alot faster then with me... my second serious boyfriend whom I married I saw past all "type" regulations thinking my "type" is clearly defective (I had boyfriends in-between they just weren't serious and also were all jerks even faster then my first bf) and he wasn't fake like the others, from the start the others only ever said nice things where as he.. said nice, and stupid things that probably should have earned him a playful slap (if I believed in hitting people) I was upfront with him about everything, before we started seeing each other, maybe I should have been less trusting? (but trusting is my nature) i told him what was and was not acceptable to me, and for 6 years I believed he was keeping that trust, as clear as he could (because I had a few things that even I thought where on the verge of crazy I over looked those) that is 6 year of lieing.. how can someone lie about everything for that long, unless I changed them? or unless I'm just really not supposed to be happy? maybe I'm just here (on earth) to weed out bad people have them arrested and never really stay happy?

Who told you that you were the 'first woman" Jerk #1 ever hit? That is probably untrue, and most men go through their entire lives never having hit a woman--Jerk #1 is at fault, not you.

The 'told him what was and wasn't acceptable, how can someone lie about everything, said some stupid things [that rose to the level of a hypothetical slap]' is a template for an unhealthy, unhappy situation.

I can't tell you the number of times I have heard women say "I told him I don't care what you do to me, but don't hurt my kids". To a man who abuses women, he hears permission [which he wouldn't need because he lives outside common decency anyway] to abuse this woman. In your situation you inadvertently laid out all the areas where your husband was going to have to lie to get what he wanted without your knowledge.

So what does all that mean? In my situation, men abused and took advantage of me. But I lived with an internal belief that I did not deserve decent treatment and my experiences fed and reinforced that belief. Until I put a stop to that poor treatment and ousted every unkind creep out of my life. Yes, I was alone for awhile. But I stuck with my resolve. If I came across people who were nice and then revealed themselves to be jerks, I cut them out of my life. And over time I have developed good, solid, mutually respectful friendships where I know the people have my best interests at heart and I have theirs at heart too. If I wanted to get married again, I have no doubt that now I would find someone nice. Because I now know what genuine good behavior is.

If you've lived with this husband for six years and he's lied about everything, get rid of him, I say. He's not going to change, and your marriage was based on a lie. But you can change. You can explore what healthy self-esteem is, what a healthy relationship is, and learn to live on your own without a man to abuse you along the road of life. And once you can are in that place, you can start looking for a decent man to share your life with. Courage!

[avlady]

i've always been told that there are alot of fish in the sea- one that treats you well next time, it isn't your fault these guys are jerks. i've myself have been in a few situations as yours and have had to call the police several times until i stopped being so trusting, i thought i couldn't trust myself anymore, but i grew from the experiences and am more careful now. good luck

[Twisted Hell]

I see how laying out expectations might be telling them what to lie about, although I don't know why anyone want to lie that much and put so much effort into being a completely different person for someone they had only been seeing for a week, I even had trust issues after the first one so he had to gain my trust, I never dreamt that my trust could be shattered like this, even the first one didn't make me feel this lost.

[Twisted Hell]

even his mother is in shock so I guess he's been lyeing for alot longer then just me.. oh and I know I'm the first women #1 hit because we were teenagers I was his first serious girlfriend... I guess it's possible he hit one of his not serious ones, I also told him, "if you ever hit me I'm gone" maybe that's why he waited so many years to do it.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

even his mother is in shock so I guess he's been lyeing for alot longer then just me.. oh and I know I'm the first women #1 hit because we were teenagers I was his first serious girlfriend... I guess it's possible he hit one of his not serious ones, I also told him, "if you ever hit me I'm gone" maybe that's why he waited so many years to do it.

Did you change your name recently? I say cut your losses and start creating the life you want for yourself free from abusive, dishonest men, no matter how long you have known them.

[Twisted Hell]

What do you mean did i change my name recently? I took his last name when we got married

You sound like a strong person who has suffered a lot, you definitely dont deserve the pain. Im sorry you have to go through that

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

What do you mean did i change my name recently? I took his last name when we got married

I thought you were someone else; never mind. I meant your name on PC.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

my first relationship lasted 6 years, I left because of abuse that had been going on 5 of those years (it was only physical for maybe the last 2). my second relationship lasted 6 years, I married him after the first year, and everything seemed good and now I found out he has been cheating on me along with some very horrible other things and I'm leaving him (this one was sudden and forced as he is actually not allowed to come to the house). and I feel like maybe I'm just not meant to find someone who is a nice decent person, maybe I'm not supposed to be happy, and yes I know I shouldn't need someone to be happy and I don't but I do need some level of love, (oh and I've never "friend zoned" anyone because I've never been single for more then a few months), maybe they were good decent people and something about me just turns them into these major assholes two completely different personality men turn out to be such jerks, only thing i see in common is me.........

One thing I note from your post and find familiarity with in my life from my past is this. I'll try to be as clear and concise as I can about what I mean but I tend to be wordy :P forgive me.

Ok first thing is, what trippin said about you finding the wrong men. This is part of the problem, you dont' make men become bad, you pick them before those bad things are revealed and as time and the relationship progress, it finally comes out. So it's a matter of figuring out why you pick bad men or what it is about them that has a tendency to be something that men like that have in common.

You've never been out of a relationship more than a few months you said.. this right here is what struck me. I say time and again to people in bad relationships or really seeking desperately to find someone (not saying you are) and to you now. it is true you need to find happiness and independence and no that does not nullify your need to be loved but the truth is we receive love much better and see things more clearly when we are our own person. What I see is like me, prior to my extended separation from my wife, I was forced to go it alone for 4+ years (still am alone in most ways with just my sons.. but that's a story for another post) I had not been out of relationships for very long and even when I wasn't in one I was searching.

I was very rarely just me and alone, finding myself, my own way, my independence and peace. Until I was forced to be on my own and take care of my kids, be strong, cope and deal with life as a single person, I did not know how much I would learn about myself, how much I would grow and change during that time. I know a lot of my tendencies and behaviors when it comes to women now and although I cannot say for sure I am ready even now.. I dunno if 100% ready is really reachable, but I can tell you that I am far wiser about who I choose now than I have been in the past because, now... I am choosing who I want to be with where before I couldn't imagine life alone and I needed it.

Don't get me wrong, it may not take 4 yrs of single living and I do not wish that on anyone but I think some time finding yourself would be good for figuring out how to break this pattern of bad men.

Hope this helps!

[TishaBuv]

It's not possible to be a Play-Doh A Hole Maker!

The way you weeded out guys you dated because they showed bad qualities early on, these long relationships of yours just took longer.

I have a theory that unless two people are really good people and compatible, all relationships are doomed to go bad eventually. Idk.

[Twisted Hell]

I never looked for relationships, in fact between my first relationship ending I was very happy being single, I kind of find myself in relationships even after trying to be single, I figured at the time there is something about single females being happy in being single that leads guy to want try hard to be in a relationship with them, i was happy and confident after I kicked the first one out for the many things he did, for a few months i denied every guy who asked me out, (well I said sure but told them I'm not dating them, i'll go out casually nothing more) I even said that to my husband but he stuck around as "friends" for longer then any of the others who were hoping I'd change my mind, and then one day I realized that I was completely unaware that we were kinda in a relationship (my reaction was like "Oh S*** how did this happen" so I figured might as well make it official). i still feel like there is something wrong with me but thank you for all the words.

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

I even had trust issues after the first one so he had to gain my trust, I never dreamt that my trust could be shattered like this, even the first one didn't make me feel this lost.

Some people go through life presenting their outward self as one way - while their true nature remains disguised inside. Some people are very good at this and it's deception on their part. Some people don't have empathy and can't love anyone but themselves - but they can put on a "mask" to portray themselves in a positive way. They can't reveal what they truly want sometimes so it's a secret. Unfortunately I think maybe your husband never revealed his true self to you or probably anyone. It's not your fault. There is a website called LoveFraud that may be a good support resource for you. I'm no expert but maybe this helps. I know it hurts. You are doing the right thing. Thinking of you.

[Twisted Hell]

everyone who's been talking to me (mutual friends) have told me things he's said and it's completely messed up, everything they tell me it really does sound like a major lack of empathy, everything they tell me seems to be about his regret because of the things and people he's lost, not what he's done to us... it just baffles me, I care about other people so much how could I not notice he didn't, I think back and I recall comforting him when he was upset lots, if I was upset he'd usually make it a reason to be upset himself (unless it was about my ex then he'd comfort me (I'd wake up crying with nightmares about my ex)) I'm so lost I don't know what to believe or think, I don't even know if I'm telling myself the truth anymore.

[divine1966]

Many vicious criminals are very upstanding members of community. Think of serial killers whose families had no clue. My daughter had a teacher who turned out to be child molester and no one could even guess. People like that are very good in hiding and pretending. And yes they have no empathy. Don't blame yourself in not seeing it. They are that good

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

everyone who's been talking to me (mutual friends) have told me things he's said and it's completely messed up, everything they tell me it really does sound like a major lack of empathy, everything they tell me seems to be about his regret because of the things and people he's lost, not what he's done to us... it just baffles me, I care about other people so much how could I not notice he didn't, I think back and I recall comforting him when he was upset lots, if I was upset he'd usually make it a reason to be upset himself (unless it was about my ex then he'd comfort me (I'd wake up crying with nightmares about my ex)) I'm so lost I don't know what to believe or think, I don't even know if I'm telling myself the truth anymore.

The only "pain" or regret he likely feels is where it directly affected him negatively. That's just my guess...but he sounds like he can only care about himself and it's about getting what he wants, what he needs. No exceptions. It's doubtful he feels emotions at all except for anger, frustration, and a disdain for society. Unable to experience love, joy, concern for anyone other than himself.

I'm no expert it's just my impression. I had a sociopath in my life and I was blind to his true nature for years. When it blew up and his mask fell, I was shell shocked. It took me a long time to come to terms with it all. Years of deceit and so many lies and flat out betrayal. It was traumatic.

I decided to read every book I could get my hands on about the subject - books written by psychiatrists and mental health specialists. The Sociopath Next Door and LoveFraud helped me understand things. My eyes are open now. I mourned for someone that didn't exist. It was surreal in a bad way. But knowledge is power and I wanted to make sure I never would get snared again.

Thinking of you. You're a very strong lady. You will get through this and find happiness again. xoxo, Rainy

[Twisted Hell]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

The only "pain" or regret he likely feels is where it directly affected him negatively. That's just my guess...but he sounds like he can only care about himself and it's about getting what he wants, what he needs. No exceptions. It's doubtful he feels emotions at all except for anger, frustration, and a disdain for society. Unable to experience love, joy, concern for anyone other than himself.

I'm no expert it's just my impression. I had a sociopath in my life and I was blind to his true nature for years. When it blew up and his mask fell, I was shell shocked. It took me a long time to come to terms with it all. Years of deceit and so many lies and flat out betrayal. It was traumatic.

I decided to read every book I could get my hands on about the subject - books written by psychiatrists and mental health specialists. The Sociopath Next Door and LoveFraud helped me understand things. My eyes are open now. I mourned for someone that didn't exist. It was surreal in a bad way. But knowledge is power and I wanted to make sure I never would get snared again.

Thinking of you. You're a very strong lady. You will get through this and find happiness again. xoxo, Rainy

I'm still hoping, I wont know in-tell I speak to him, and I went over every possibility in my head a million times, I can hear lies when spoken, I said he spent some time lying, but in reality I never asked, I consider an omission of facts a lie but if it's not a spoken lie I can't tell, when he was being arrested I heard him lie, for the first time I realized I never asked questions, I trusted him and didn't feel the need to, with my ex-boyfriend I did ask questions I heard his lies constantly, maybe I didn't ask because I didn't want to hear that slight change of tone, that thing that made no sense, I don't know all the ways I can hear them... I only know I do, I was hoping to be able to speak to him first before everyone else so he didn't have time to rehearse but the stupid restraining order had my name on it, I take solace only in the fact there are some things i haven't told anyone, and he wont have time to rehearse a response.