Tired of never being good enough - need support

I haven't been on here for a while, but I'm guessing there are still a few members on here that will remember me. For those of you who don't know me and my history, I will try and give you the history without boring you completely.

I was with my ex (who displays a lot of narcissistic traits and I've been told by a close friend of his that she even thought he was a womaniser etc) for 4 years on and off. When he was up and things were going well for him, we were fine, but when he lost his license and job (due to drink driving) he would shut off and as a result he would break things off. I accepted him back three times and the last time he was so convincing and saying he wanted me to be the mother of his children and marry me etc etc. The last time we split up was in September 2014 (just after he lost his job and license)
Eventually, I went on to date other people and I have had strong feelings for one other person since, but my ex and I have always kept in touch to this day. I have tried many times to move on and not keep in contact, but he has always got back in contact with me.
I didn't know this at the time, but in about April 2014 He met a girl in the US whilst he was buying a place out there (with money he had inherited) but he came back to me in May 2014 confessing his undying love and wanting me back. He then split up with me a third and final time in September 2014 (as mentioned above) but I'm beginning to piece it all together and think it was probably to do with her and not just the fact he lost his job etc. Obviously they live about 3000 miles away from each other and have probably spent about 3 months together if you add up all the two week holidays they've had together. He started to put pictures up on Facebook of them as a couple etc in April last year and that was hard to see. However, in Decemver of last year, I felt like my world had been torn apart when I saw on Facebook that he had asked her to marry him. This sounds so pathetic (and embarrassing) but I remember seeing it on my phone, alone and I just felt like collapsing and the tears did not stop falling. I felt like crying out 'why?!' He always said that he was afraid of commitment and it just sealed it for me that it was obviously me all along and it's not him and his commitment issues.
I contacted him when I found out and he said that he was so worried about telling me and that I was always have a place in his heart.
Since then he has been contacting me pretty much monthly and asking to see me occasionally (Last time I saw him was October 2015) A few months ago, he was asking me to be his plus one at a wedding! Anyway, about a month ago he went on holiday with his fiancé and apparently she was looking for some songs on his phone and saw a photo of me so she insisted that he stop talking to me. I said that I understood and we didn't talk for about two weeks and then I got a text from him saying that the sun was shining and therefore he's thinking of me and loads of kisses etc. I chose to ignore it and then I get another text at about 10am a week later saying 'hey Madame, how come you're so quiet. Text me back I miss you' I know I shouldn't have replied but I text him back and said that I didn't text back because his fiancé had said she didn't was us talking anymore and he said that it didn't matter what she said! He was texting me all through the day and then he ended up calling me in the evening and we spoke for about 2 hours. He was saying how much he loves me (which I know he obviously doesn't otherwise he'd be marrying me), that he loved hearing my voice and that he wants to see me. He was saying things that didn't put his fiancé in a good light and how it's so tough, as unfortunately he's lost another job and she isn't very understanding. However, after all that he still says that he's getting married next summer and that it's set and can't be changed.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I still love him so much and I just don't want him to get married. I am literally dreading August next year and The next big news after the wedding, like she's pregnant. I have always longed for a family and dreamed of us having children - it will destroy me. I don't feel he deserves to be happy as he lies and messes with my feelings. I just don't get why he keeps coming back into my life and doesn't leave me alone and concentrate on his fiancé. I guess she's 3000 miles away so it's easy to text me when she's not around, but he's said that he wants us to be friends even when she comes over to live here next year.

I just so wish I could move on and forget him, but as stupid as this sounds, I still hope and pray that one day it won't work out and he'll realise what he lost - stupid I know.

I'm so sorry for the long post I just needed to write it all down and hope that someone can help me.

Xxx


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What an *****. He is engaged yet talks like this to you. Do you really want a man who is unfaithful and dishonest. Some people like their ego stroked by thinking somebody is just dying for them. It tickles him that you are so into him yet he marries someone else. He is gross human being and I wish you respected yourself more

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Run far, far away from him...seriously. He is a player, and doesn't care about you, or her, or any of the other women he is also likely keeping in his back pocket.

Yes you are both right, but you know how it is and try as you might sometimes you just can't turn your feelings off for someone and I find myself so wanting to believe what he says.

I know it sounds wicked, but I just don't want the marriage to work out when she moves over here, because I don't feel that he deserves it all to have a happy ending.

I constantly wonder, why did he choose her and not me?? Shd it leaves me feeling that I'll never be good enough for anyone to want to marry.

Xx

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It's not about switching off your feelings.


Nobody gets through a break up because they have a magic love switch they get to turn on and off.


We get through them by sheer will and determination.


The feelings fade by themselves after time as you begin to heal.


You torture yourself by holding onto the hurt and thus never allowing any time for these feelings to dissipate.


As vile as this man is, I'm sorry to say it, but you are the one hurting yourself here. You're actively choosing to wait in the wings, and you will keep hurting until you choose differently.


Divine's right, a lil self respect would go a long way in your situation. I really hope you get to that point.

You are right, but when it comes to learning to love myself more, I don't even know where to start. I guess the rejection has just made me feel so low.

I keep wondering why her and not me? It's not the first time someone has left me and then gone onto marry the next person they meet. I end up thinking it will be like this forever and he'll end up happy and I'll be alone.

I guess I just always thought (and was told by people that know him better than anyone) that he'll always be the same and has commitment issues, so it made me feel better about myself and now maybe it's not him and he'll end up happily married. I know you will all say that I should be happy for him, but I think deep down everyone can admit that it feels a little good to have the last laugh. Especially after how he's been in the past

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Loving yourself can be hard, I know that better than most people I know. But I don't need love in order to respect, the two aren't mutually exclusive.


I don't love my neighbor, boss, colleagues, random stranger, or homeless person I meet on the street. But I treat each one with respect and dignity.


In the same fashion I treat myself with dignity and respect, but loving myself is still a huge work in progress.


You can keep doing what you're doing, but that's clearly not working for you.


So the way I see it, you have two choices, you either accept the abject misery you're resigning yourself too, which for all intents and purposes will ultimately mean you lose the right to complain about it.


(People, here or offline, will start tiring of hearing the same sad story over and over)


Or you go "screw it, I'm worth more than this, I deserve better than this and I WILL GIVE ME better"


Because your happiness, your life choices are YOUR responsibility, nobody else's.


PS. No, I certainly wont tell you to be happy for him. I revel in the fact that my ex's life is as fkd up as he is, he put myself and my daughter through hell and deserves whatever karma dishes out to him.

I appreciate all that you are saying and you are right. I frustrate myself going over and over it and hate burdening people, that's why I come on here, but you are right and everybody will tire of it, but it still goes on in my head, so I'm just scared of being left with all these feelings and I can't talk to anyone. I'm my own worst enemy right now, so I'm not fit to give myself advice and get myself out of this.

Everytime he contacts me (and he always contacts me, not the other way around) I end up feeling why her?? What was so wrong with me? and j can't shake that feeling. I've suffered rejection a fair few times and it makes you wonder whether you'll be good enough for anyone.

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There is no need to continue communication with him. You weren't married and have no kids together and to all honesty it wasn't even truly serious committed relationship, "on and off" kind of sends a message that he always had someone on the side. Plus he is a drunk who can't keep a job and license. Is it really who you want to waste another day of your life on? He just sucks. You don't need to respond to his vile texts. "Hey Madame"? Wtf.

I understand it's hard to forget someone and you need time to grieve but to all honesty your relationship ( if you can call that) is long over. There is absolutely no need to ever talk to him again. You had closure. It is over. Time to heal. Block him and delete his contacts completely

You need a good therapist to help you with this. Please. Just stop with this guy. You just send him message that you aren't to be respected. Block him. Be done. You are better than that.

He contacts you because he knows you get right into it. He will stop when you stop responding.

He isn't any kind of special man. He is a loser

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He wasn't truly committed to me, no I guess you're right there, but I was committed to him. I know it takes two to form a relationship and he kept blaming breaking up with me because of situations and that he wasn't in a good place.

I guess what it really comes down to is that's never thought he'd change his ways for someone and I hate to feel she was better than me to change him. I just want the satisfaction one day that it didn't end well and the verification that he hasn't changed.

I just don't want to end up alone and he gets the happy ever after. Maybe that's life and life just isn't fair, but it makes me sad.

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How did she change him? He is no better than he was. If he became a better person ( and yes people do change) he'd never bother you again. Yet he continues playing games behind his fiancée's back and continues being a vile person. She never changed him.

Well if you continue pursuing him then you might never be happy. But if you stop talking to him, block him, and move on with your life then you have s great chance in happy life.

If you choose to spend your days texting with someone else's fiancée, you are going to miss on everything else in life . Just make a decision if he is worth all this. Respect yourself and focus on other things. Not on him



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Maybe, but if he's not a changed man then how come he wants to commit all of a sudden and what has she got that made him do that? Just makes me feel s**t but I guess people find it hard to understand.

I don't pursue him at all and he's always the one to get in touch with me. I have tried several times to move on, but he keeps coming back and playing these games with my feelings. He maybe someone's fiancée but he is also my ex, so there's a lot of history. It's not like I've just got involved with someone I know is married or getting married.

I know everybody must think I'm pathetic and should be well over it already, but I just want to be the one that ends up happy and not him. If that makes me a bad person then I'm guilty

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You CAN be the one who ends up happy, but only when you realize happy doesn't include him.


You are the only one standing in the way of your happiness here.


You may not actively pursue him, but you keep the door wide open and so obviously he keeps his foot in the door because its in his best interest to have at least two women fawning over him. A wife who can / would probably finance his lifestyle and put up with his infidelity and you, the ego stroking loyal back up plan / spare wheel.


I'm not saying any of this to be malicious, I hope you know I'm just being brutally direct.


If you really need to know so badly why he chose her and not you, just ask him. If there's so much precious history between you then surely you're able to have honest communication.


Get your closure if you must and then do yourself a hugeass favor and move on.


He's not worth all this torture you are subjecting yourself to.


If your best friend, sister, mother or daughter came to you with this dilemma, what would your advice to her be?

He doesn't sound like someone that is capable or willing to be in a genuine, honest relationship. At the rate he is going, he might not get married because his fiancée may break it off because of his behavior. Regardless of what happens, I don't think you should compare yourself to her. She's not better than you because he's with her.

I don't think he has anything meaningful to offer you except pain, regardless of whether he marries or not. If you were his fiancée, he would be lying to you and whatever else he's up to. I think you're in a better position than her.

Love yourself more and cut ties with him. There are so many people out there and you can look back on this one day and say you dodged a bullet. He doesn't deserve you.

"How come he wants to commit?"

He isn't really committing. He is engaged sure, but he texts and calls you behind her back even after she asked to stop. That's not what committed people do.

I am getting married in three weeks, trust me I know he isn't texting no one behind my back ( we both have friends of opposite gender but that's not what's happening here). He isn't your friend, he is your ex who knows you are in love and takes advantage by playing games

Sure he maybe is getting married but he never changed his ways. He isn't making true commitment

In order for you to move on you need to stop responding. He isn't holding you at gun point to talk to him.

And the argument that he is your ex and there is history is kind of faulty. Everyone has history and had exes. It doesn't mean one needs to do what you are doing even after exes moved on. When they are married or engaged or in a relationship, they are someone else's boyfriend, fiancées and husbands.

I am 50 and have plenty of exes. Should I carry on romance in texts and phone calls with them even after they are with someone else? What for? My ex husband is remarried, we talk but not about "I miss you" or in secret plus we have a child together, if he started what your ex does id remind him he is married. Just because we have history and heck we have present and future as parents, it's not good enough reason to play games with someone else's husband.

Sure he is the one who starts all that with you but you don't have to go along. No you aren't pathetic. But your thinking process just not allowing you to live happily. Sticking by his side will not make you happy. You aren't accomplishing anything but perpetuate pain.

Even if he leaves her he is still sane person. Even if he goes back to you he is still that same, not nice, person.

Are you in therapy?

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I agree with tipping. You can ask him. And he truly cherish you and there is history he will honestly answer.

And I agree with rainy that you are in a better position than that woman as you aren't the one whose fiancée is a scumbag, you are better off.

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Thank you guys, you are all right and I do remind him frequently that he has a fiancée and shouldn't be saying the things he does, but I feel rude just ignoring his texts. However, I guess that's what I must do. I suppose I always felt that if I'm stil connected to him in some way, then that will hold the door open if things didn't work out with his fiancé and wanted me back, but I guess I need to tell myself I'm worth more than that.

I did ask him what is so much better about her and he said that it's not a case of her being better but that the situation forced us apart (losing his job, license etc) I know that when he is down he shuts everyone out and I don't think she's experienced that yet (especially as she doesn't live with him and sees him 2-3 times a year) so it's easy to be yourself when they aren't here. I don't think that's 100% what it comes down to, but I do know what he's like and have been told, so I believe it's probably 80% the reason.

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