[hvert]

There's an event a few states away from me which takes place in a few weeks. I bought tickets and made reservations in December. I went to this event last year and really liked it. I saw my mother last night and she said that she wasn't sure if she was going to go and asked if she could get a refund on her ticket. I was ... ??? I never invited her, she never mentioned that she was going.

Does anyone else have a parent who does this? It just seems crazy to me. She's making travel plans based on my travel plans without telling me? I try not to tell her anything, no specifics, because this has been a problem in the past. She tried to do this last summer also with another event, but at the last minute did the same thing, deciding she couldn't go after all.

A month ago I found out that she was going to places I volunteer at/visit. Another family member told me, commenting that they had no idea my mother was interested in X or Y, which was my thought also. *I* am interested in X and Y and I feel like she is going because she thinks I will be there.

This is really more of a rant than anything else. I just can't believe she does this. Why can't she find her own friends and her own interests???

Ouch, I sure wouldn't appreciate this.

How is she finding out about the things you do?

[divine1966]

That's really strange. Could you ask her why she does it? If she really wants to join you then why wouldn't she ask you?

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[hvert]

She doesn't ask me because she knows I don't want to do things with her. She has been pulling the 'oh, I can't make it to this thing you didn't invite me to,' for two years now. She just did it in April for some other trip I took. I think she says this to see if I will then invite her or encourage her to come. When I don't, she opts not to go (Sometimes. Sometimes she goes and follows me around).

When I was in my late teens/20s, she did everything with me. I would do things with my mother instead of with friends, like a normal person. When I finally moved out, my eyes were opened to how weird it was and I broke away. I think she is scared to do things by herself and doesn't have many friends. She uses her kids as friends (or tries to), but none of us want to be around her.

I try to keep the specifics of what I do away from her, but things slip out. I never directly tell her that I am going here or there ahead of time because she will say right then and there that she wants to go to, no matter how little interest I think she will have in something. It's just so frustrating. I can't tell anyone in my family about my travel plans in case my mother hears and copies me?

[hvert]

Also, a lot of the stuff I do is somewhat niche, not the kind of thing most people want to tag along on. If I started talking about driving six hours away to do research in an archive, she would want to come. She tricked me enough with that kind of thing (where I would mention my plans, 'knowing' that she would have no interest in them), that I don't tell her *anything* ahead of time anymore. I do refer to things I have done in the past, and now she is using that information to guess at what I am going to do in the future.

Once she is there, she acts helpless, like she needs someone to guide her around. It's just so messed up, I can't stand it. I should also add that she is taking time off and booking tickets for some of this stuff, even when she cancels. It's actually possible that when she tells me she can't go to one of these things, she is just phishing for information as to whether or not *I* am going. I don't confirm or deny!

Maybe some people like to do stuff with their parents? I am so glad that I have siblings who can confirm that it's not just me in this case.

[divine1966]

It is not abnormal to do things with ones parent. I did travel with my daughter when we were both single. We had tons of fun. We also go to concerts and shows together on occasion. But we do it when it's mutually agreed upon and when it suits us both and when it is on occasion. Not frequent. What your mom does is different. Would she be ok if you do something with her on occasion, maybe she'll give you a break then

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[hvert]

I don't want to do anything with her anymore. Doing stuff with her just seems to encourage her to have me do more stuff with her. She needs to find her own friends and leave me alone.

[divine1966]

Was she abusive to you growing up? My mother is battling cancer now second time around and we don't get another mother. But if she is it was abusive then i understand.

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[Nammu]

Sounds like you are trying to cut the apron strings but she's reluctant to let go. Perhaps she's just scared of losing you. Maybe you could have an open conversation about this. Tell her it's creepy that she does this and compromise by agreeing to get coffee or do other small things with her. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[hvert]

I don't know if she was abusive, but she was certainly smothering and overprotective. I am ~40 years old. It really bothers me that there are still apron strings to cut!

I'm not willing to compromise with her. I don't want to be around her, period. I can take small doses during family gatherings. That's it. Plus, the more I am around her, the more information she can extract to stalk me.

I find her very unpleasant to be around. She is a martyr/victim narcissist, very passive aggressive, very argumentative. I'm at the point where even having a conversation with her is pointless. She just argues. She'll ask your opinion. If you say A, she says you are wrong. If you then switch to B, she will say that you are wrong, it's A. When I went over on Mother's Day, she claimed she had to go out and started screaming at me from her driveway because showing up at her house with a present isn't good enough. I'm done, she's too crazy.

If I ask her why she is signing up for the same things I'm doing, she'll say it's because she's always wanted to do that. Maybe she believes it, I don't know. If I tell her that I don't want her to go, she will go out of spite and walk around with an angry face and tell people that I am there but don't want to be around her.

[MiddayNap]

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your posts, but you seem to be acting rather harshly. It seems as though your mum is doing this because she wishes to spend time with you. Is it really such a crime for a mother to want to spend time with her child with whom, according to your second post, she used to be so close? More than likely, she is hurt you don't invite her places and is trying to guilt you into inviting her by mentioning she can't go to these places. It's supposed to serve as a reminder you didn't invite her. This method may be aggravating, but it is not at all uncommon. Every mother on the planet will pull at their child's-and husband's/wife's-guilt-strings now and then. One must look at the reasoning behind why the mother is using this method.
I would guess her constantly going places you are likely to attend, despite not having an interest in those things, is done in the hopes she will bump into you. Or perhaps she is taking an interest in these things so that you two will have something in common and will, therefore, spend more time together. Again, I don't think this is all that baffling. She wants to spend time with you. You won't spend time with her.
I'm not saying you should spend every waking moment with her, nor am I saying you are obliged to invite your mother everywhere you go. I do, however, believe you should talk with your mother about this behavior so that there isn't so much bitterness between you two. If she tends to smother, let her know. Set clear boundaries. Also, don't cut her out completely-she's your mum, after all.

[MiddayNap]

Originally Posted by hvert

I don't know if she was abusive, but she was certainly smothering and overprotective. I am ~40 years old. It really bothers me that there are still apron strings to cut!

I'm not willing to compromise with her. I don't want to be around her, period. I can take small doses during family gatherings. That's it. Plus, the more I am around her, the more information she can extract to stalk me.

I find her very unpleasant to be around. She is a martyr/victim narcissist, very passive aggressive, very argumentative. I'm at the point where even having a conversation with her is pointless. She just argues. She'll ask your opinion. If you say A, she says you are wrong. If you then switch to B, she will say that you are wrong, it's A. When I went over on Mother's Day, she claimed she had to go out and started screaming at me from her driveway because showing up at her house with a present isn't good enough. I'm done, she's too crazy.

If I ask her why she is signing up for the same things I'm doing, she'll say it's because she's always wanted to do that. Maybe she believes it, I don't know. If I tell her that I don't want her to go, she will go out of spite and walk around with an angry face and tell people that I am there but don't want to be around her.

Well, now I think I'm getting a fuller picture. She's the sort of person you can't have a dialogue with because she simply won't listen. Carry on, then.

[Bill3]

Aw hvert, I'm really sorry that you are having these difficulties with your mother. It sounds like she never supported you in being your own separate person and she still has a need to cling to you and be right about everything. You must be so frustrated and fed up and determined to lead your own life! How much does she show up uninvited at events involving your siblings?

Her behavior towards you regarding the event you didn't invite her to...her behavior seems strange. Assuming she is lucid, she stomping on your boundaries and I can see why you are over that type of behavior.

It seems like she can't or won't communicate directly with you. It sounds like she wants to be more involved in your life. Perhaps she misses her daughter but has significant problems going about reaching out to you. It seems like a role-reversal. She's the child and you're the adult and that understandably isn't a role you want.

I had a toxic upbringing by my mother. We were in constant contact because she demanded it but we never had a true mother/daughter relationship. I don't think I can offer any constructive thoughts beyond what I said above, other than establishing boundaries as to her. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Crazy Hitch]

She seems very desperate to maintain some kind of contact with you. I don't think she is willing to accept that you don't want to be around her. She's in denial and probably can't see what she's doing wrong.

I wonder where she seems to get all of this information from regarding your movements?

It's a tough one and I don't envy you. You've been quite upfront with her and made it obvious where your standpoint is when you do bump into her when she miraculously shows up at venues you're at.

Seems for now that you're going to have to think of strategies to deal with her unwanted encounters when you're out doing what you're doing to so that you can still enjoy yourself and not be phased by the fact that she's lingering somewhere in the background.

"Hi mom, such-in-such is coming up. It is important I go alone"

[hvert]

She's getting information about my movements by listening to me talk about what I have done in the past. I've been vigilant about not letting her know where I will be ahead of time, but I didn't think that I needed to keep quiet about what I did last weekend. Now I know better, I guess, but I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. When I see her, it's at family gatherings. I can't just not talk about what I've been doing with everyone!

As far as I know, she doesn't just show up at my sibling's events, which is actually kind of interesting. One sibling has been doing some performances, but she has not attended any. The dynamic with my brothers is different, I think because they are male. She still does a lot of the same weird guilt-trippy stuff with them, and was extremely overinvolved in their lives when they lived with her.

Thank you all for your empathy, suggestions, and listening. I get to the point where I feel like I am crazy with her sometimes. I can't tell if it's me or her. I really do feel hostile towards both my parents at this point and want nothing to do with them. I had actually started a post about her copying me a month ago but never finished it. It was in my history when I started this one!

If I am completely honest with myself, one of the events I'm attending this summer *is* something she would be interested in - but why did she never want to go before I went?

When you have a crazy parent, do you ever want to have a relationship with them? Am I supposed to want to be around her just because she is my mother, even though she is never going to get better? The very low contact really works for me because it seems like if she has a little bit of contact, she just wants more and more and more. I know it upsets her, though.

[PandorasAquarium]

I get it, hvert. My mother-in-law does this. Or she used to, until I set firm boundaries, which she doesn't necessarily respect, but I feel like I've been forced into being so strict. When I met my now-husband, he was living with his parents and we lived hours apart. So I stayed weekends at their house when we were dating.

They have an extremely enmeshed family, so they nosed into every single aspect of my relationship. Ugh. When DH and I got serious, we bought a house an hour away from them, much to their chagrin and my relief.

Still MIL called me daily. I used to wonder if she was "checking up" to make sure I was being a good wife. Then I thought maybe she genuinely liked me as a friend and she was desperately trying to hold on to her son by staying close (and influencing me). Both were true. She wanted to know everything so she could gossip, gripe, guilt, or get in on it. She started planning her summer vacation time to match ours. So I changed ours and then got the guilt trip (mind you we still took a vacay in the fall when we even stayed with them every year). All my hobbies were suddenly something she just looooved. They demanded every single holiday, no matter how minor. They wanted precise travel itineraries, details about our every move, access to our bank accounts... ridiculous. When I met them, I had been living on my own for 12 years already. Talk about feeling smothered.

We reached a critical threshold in the last year. Without getting too detailed about our big family falling-out, I am very low contact with her now. And that's after 6 months of no contact. I have set fair and clear boundaries with her and she refuses to respect them, just sobs and says she doesn't understand. So I repeat... sigh.

My MIL is seriously codependent and my FIL has severe mental health issues that exacerbate hers. We've even tried family therapy. There's nothing else I can do except continue to behave respectfully toward her while standing behind my boundaries like a junkyard dog.

I can't tell her anything. She manipulates in the same way your mom does. It's frustrating, disrespectful, and beyond exhausting. If it were up to her, we would check with her before we used the bathroom. We would have no autonomy. Because she is my husband's mother, I tread as lightly as possible, but when someone is that determined and tenacious, it is nearly impossible to communicate a boundary without things getting blown out of proportion. Then I have to make even more stringent boundaries to get the point across - vicious cycle much?

Regardless of how you cope with it, that behavior is unhealthy, smothering, and downright toxic. And you have to draw a line some time, or you become a doormat, in my experience. I miss her a little once in a great while, but I'm glad I finally said 'enough' and took a stand for myself. Life is much better now. Sorry you're dealing with this too. It sucks to have to hide your life from family just to keep your sanity, but sometimes it's the only way to protect yourself.

[hvert]

Oh wow, dealing with a MIL like that must be awful -- especially since it's your husband's mother and there's that whole dynamic he grew up with at play.

And yes, what you are describing sounds very much like what my mother was like when I first moved out. Constant contact. Always wanting to drop something off, have me go pick something up or do something at her house. She had keys to my house and would come do laundry and dishes, unasked, unwanted. I had to cut off all communication with her for a while.

It's too bad it has to be all or nothing, but since it seems it's only one or the other, I'm going to go with nothing.

[PandorasAquarium]

Originally Posted by hvert

It's too bad it has to be all or nothing, but since it seems it's only one or the other, I'm going to go with nothing.

Yup. Unfortunately sometimes you have to put up big, well-guarded walls to protect yourself. It's sad, but necessary.