Criticism Was My Fatal Mistake

I know. It's an expression. I mean to say he caused me to...

You seem to be putting the blame on him for your unhappiness a lot. Would him doing all the things you want him to really fix the issues you two are having? Would it really?

Did he by chance always think he was right? Never wrong, ever? His way was "the way"?

There is a new show I just watched called Love At First Kiss. You should check it out. It's hilarious!

There's this one guy who is 27 and has never kissed before. They set him up with a girl and they are supposed to kiss upon first seeing each other. He has no idea what to do and it is the most awkward thing in the world. He has a woman eventually help him learn how to kiss. They pick apart the movements of what he did that was terrible to what the woman told him to do.

This is like what I have lived through. Only it has taken 20 years of awkward and horrible!

I admit my part in it. I am ticklish and hate being tickled. It started with me reacting to him unintentionally tickling me with his touch. When I addressed that, his touch became overcompensatingly firm, no good either.

And this sent us down the road to this severe extreme.

So, in answer to your question, yes, if he could have just done the few things I absolutely needed, we would have been great.

He is always right. He's a f'n genius! He's the most perfect, professional, expert at everything except at understanding me!

The only unhappiness I'm complaining and absolutely, totally obsessed with is my problems with him.

Aside from this, I'm a pretty well-adjusted person.

My mother is very difficult, but I am doing pretty well with her considering. You wouldn't believe what that scene has been like now that she broke both wrists and I am trying to help her and my dad, went to the doctors with her, trying to get a social worker involved, etc...

I miraculously am able to function a little bit in business and volunteer work in spite of the emotional wreck I have been for YEARS.

I have friends. I get along with people. I have a great relationship with my children and other family.

I think I've got a better handle on the whole thing now. Since I just learned about C-PTSD with dissociation, which I really do have, at least I can now put a name on this. I told my h about it and asked him to just leave me alone with the sex and just stop triggering me. Maybe we can just find peace somehow. I forgive him for his inability to understand and have empathy. He's not really capable of empathy.

Eskie has been saying he may have some slight spectrum disorder. Maybe he does, but he sure doesn't want to hear that. It may just be that he is a very spoiled only child.

Also, I don't feel optimistic about becoming a single, older woman. I don't know what I want. I'm just too exhausted about everything to even make any decisions.

He's fine and my whole family's fine with me running back and forth to 'the dog house' when I need to run away. I know it's unconventional, but it works for now.

Sounds like my ex. N.

There's always going to be that nagging question in the back of my mind, "Did he intentionally or subconsciously torture me?" As his memory and passionate abilities were gaslightingly selective, hmmmmm.

Being an older single lady isn't as stigmatic as it once was.

I don't know what you want either, but running back and forth between being with him and without him isn't going to help you find that answer any sooner. Keeping yourself in relationship limbo is only going to serve to harm you further. I'm not going to sugar coat it. If you stop having sex with him, he'll eventually seek sex elsewhere. Is that something you want to happen?

No one is fine with you being as indecisive as you're being. Make a decision. It's not going to kill you.

True, it's a new day for single people for sure. And being a hysterically miserable married lady who never goes anywhere because she's really emotionally ill is no fun either.

Truth be told, you need to be single. You need to be this way to reaccess and refocus on who you are and what you want out of life. Relationships clearly aren't what you need right now.

You're afraid of sex, yet afraid of being alone. You can't have a relationship without the other half expecting some sort of intimacy. Otherwise it's just friendship. A deep and meaningful friendship, but a friendship all the same. Let's face it. You can't have both a relationship and no sexual activity. It's just not done.

Stop deluding yourself and do something for yourself and lose this B*stard.

Oh com'n older single lady? We are the same age. I just got happily married. I was single for a long time, there was nothing wrong with that. I belong to women group all in 50 and 60s and almost all single. Or dating

Honestly you just don't sound compatible. I understand he does things wrong but if his touch doesn't feel right then could it be not his fault entirely? It's either too light or too hard. I would think it's either feel good or it doesn't. I am not sure how it could be changed

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I agree wholeheartedly. He's not the one for you. Why you were, and still are, in denial for so long is baffling to me.

. Lol....neither H nor his parents wanted to hear that something more was wrong with him than just plain old adult ADD....but those words were from his PDOC.....no one wants to admit how really messed up they are....NOT EVEN US.

I would be very careful diagnosing ones self. If thad dx came from a knowledgable pdoc then ok....but too many different diagnoses have the very similar symptoms & to just hear one persons experiences here& think that's the answer is a very dangerous place to go.

Hey, I've been out of my marriage for 9 years now & have no desire to ever be married again. I love my single life & I don't date either. I have several groups of women friends who are all single by divorce or by being widowed. I also have many married friends too. It is NOTHING like it ysed to be in the past. I honestly wouldn't go back to married life unless the absolute RIGHT person ever came along & then they would have to hit me over the head to even get me to notice anything about the possibility if marriage. Doubt that would ever even happen though....too independent at this point.

You seem like you really need to get to know who you are without wanting to be something for someone else.

If sex were the only problem in your marriage it would have been resolved by now....it seems there are other deeper problems going on with both of you that truly haven't even been addressed.

Perhaps assumptions about mental problems shouldn't be made...?

No offense to anyone but it's very concerning to me to read when laypeople affix a label

It happens on PC a lot. I don't mean to be an asshole, but I don't think it's right...

I'm sorry you're hurting, Tisha. I think you're doing you as well as you can right now, fwiw.

Hi, Tisha, i just read this thread. What I know for certain is that no one who's been dispensing advice (lots of "leave-hims") has real insight into your relationship. It just rubs me the wrong way when people who know so little are chanting "dump him".

Do what is working for you. If that means an on/off relationship, then that's fine for now, until you decide what you really want or need.

Plus, @artchic, every friendship is a relationship. We have relationships with everyone in our lives. They just aren't as easy to describe as boyfriend/girlfriend later in life.

Thanks, Angelique. I appreciate everyone's input regardless of their opinion or intent. I keep what serves me and discard what doesn't.

I wish I could have improved my 'episodes' or come up with some solution, but maybe this is just a hellish predicament.

When I'm baffled, I try to turn to God. I care about myself. I feel like I've become friends with all you guys here, too, which is really nice.

Different perspective can be a wonderful thing. But I honestly believe that you are the only one who can get yourself to the place where you are able to make change (or not). And I think it's a process that takes time.

Maybe you will live like this for a few months until you know what to do. Maybe it's just a few days. Sometimes clarity comes quickly, sometimes it's years of foggy thinking first ....at least it is in my life.

I wish there was a life Magic 8 Ball that really was right all of the time. I would be so much happier. Sadly we're human and that means a lot of trial and error.

Hang in there. Keep posting your trials and tribulations. You're not only helping yourself, but you are helping others too.

I think you summed up exactly what it's like getting fed up with one's marriage after a long time being married to someone. It's not that easy to "JUST BLOW IT OFF" even when one knows they are totally fed up & don't want to deal with it any longer.

Think we seem to always hold onto hope that they will change.....& that with the threat of divorce coming closer & closer that they will finally get it & know that they need to be changed as the threat draws closer & closer & even when we finally leave, we hope that they will finally get it & we will see the change & we won't have to go through the hassle of the divorce because the longer you are married the more of a hassle it is dividing everything up & having to even give up the things that were also yours in the split. I solved that problem by the end I was just so desperate to get away from him, I walked away with basically nothing, not even all my cloths & only a few pieces of furniture.

I left my first h for pretty much this reason. He later admitted that he didnt like how good and confident i felt after achieving orgasm, so he purposely acted the doofus when we were together, or would walk into the room and interrupt me at the crucial time if i was alone.

I didnt know how to deal with such crazy making passive aggressiveness. And i was still in my twenties. I think i might deal with it differently now. I feel more in the drivers seat of my life now. Youve asked him; hes refused. Why not find someone else? See what else is out there. H is acting like he has nothing to lose; how do you feel?

Even from me, my ex's dx's that I mention are from a doctor and from a medical release sheet from the hospital which included a follow up plan.

Besides, trying to sort out the possibilities and variables is energy absorbing and takes away from the recovery necessary to overcome the loss of a relationship or the loss of the future plans and dreams.

It's a slippery slope to try to sort it out on your own.

I have found that I benefited more by looking at the marriage relationship as a whole and pinpoint behaviors and patterns that just weren't working and asking myself how I got there, beyond just pointing fingers at my parents.

I'm content living solo with my sons. Not that some nights aren't more lonely than others, but I think often about their benefit. Had a long ago friend express how hesitant she was about bringing a man into her home until her kids were adults because as she placed it they might love you, but there's no guarantee they'll love your kids like you do. Plus I'd add, then there's the notion of compromise on parenting them that matches the values that are already set in place.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West