Codependency

Hi everyone,
Someone privately accused me of being a codependent the other day regarding my current relationship and that really hurt.
I've been working on my codependency issues over half my life.
They stem from my family of origin and they are not my fault.
I recently started doing a narcissistic abuse recovery program to get at the root of my wounds so I could heal them.
It is not my fault that I am in a relationship with a separated man.
I know his father, wife, best friend, and more.
In other communities it is understood that even though a relationship is dysfunctional it is still a relationship.
I have told my boyfriend that I do not want to be involved with him until he gets divorced and he assures me he will be getting divorced on September 15.
Other men have asked me out, I had been advised to go out with other men by anther community back when I thought my boyfriend had bpd.
My boyfriend denies having bpd.
Now I think he has narcissistic traits, he denies that too.
He and his father and his wife all think he has Aspergers.
He is in therapy and supposedly is going to be getting a diagnosis at the end of the week.
His father has asked me for help to read about Aspergers.
I even have a book at the library on Aspergers.

Please don't tell me its wrong to be involved with a separated man.
Please don't tell me its my responsibility to make sure he gets divorced.
I am not currently involved with him however I am still in contact with him.

You don't have to justify yourself. Most all of us on here have dysfunctional relationships of some kind. People on here are supposed to support each other to be healthier and not to judge.

Everybody projects their own stuff on each other's posts, it can't be helped. So it's very understandable that someone who may have been the hurt party of an affair may feel very strongly and lash out.

More importantly, it sounds like your BF has a lot of other problematic stuff going on. Do you keep gravitating to people that aren't good for you?

I have only had two long term relationships: my ex husband and my boyfriend. My bf proposed to me before I even met him, I'll upload a pic of my engagement ring if you want to see it. It's a custom made black pearl and palladium ring. I took it off last September when I found out he hadn't filed for divorce.
He might have Aspergers, he has an appointment with his therapist on Friday.
My ex husband is bipolar, my boyfriend is borderline, yes I've had two very difficult relationships.
My boyfriend does not see our relationship as an affair. As I said he used to be my fiancé until I found out he didn't file. He never kept our relationship secret.

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Proposed before you met him? How did that happen?

He proposed to me long distance before he came to see me.

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So you must have had a long distance phone/ internet romance then. You both felt so sure about each other that you got engaged before spending any time in person together. Pretty risky. You never really know someone until you really know them in person.

I impulsively and crazily accepted an engagement ring once from this guy I had only known a short while. Then I broke up and gave it back to him shortly after. I didn't even really take it seriously. Yikes.

If you are thinking about a relationship, it would probably be a good idea to live with him before getting into a marriage where you could end up losing whatever you have if the marriage doesn't work out.

No. He was a musician, I heard his music on the radio. He has come to see me many times. I have only been in one other relationship so I was clear I did not want to date. I have a child and after being married I was not interested in having a boyfriend.

I am confused because your story keeps changing. In chat you said you thought you were codependent. You've said you think he has one thing and then another. At first he was lying to you, but now he didn't or hasn't.

I don't think anyone here is judging you. From what I've seen of your interactions, if someone doesn't agree with you, you immediately write them off and assume they are judging you. Just because people give you advice (that you asked for) that you don't like doesn't mean they are judging you. They are only going off of the information that you give them. If it bothers you so much to hear what you don't like then maybe you should rethink what you post?

I just think, from my perspective, if you ask for support you have to be prepared that people will say things that you don't agree with.

Seesaw

I would be very wary of people who are that skilled at lying because you just can never trust them. I'd be scared to marry a liar. You mentioned so many things he lied about. It's just scary. As about divorce, is he filing on 09/15 or will be divorced? When did he file?

Be careful

PS he made you custom ring before even meeting you? And it's made of palladium?

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Yes he had it made, I picked it. I believed him that he was filing.
He may have Aspergers. He's seeing a therapist . He's mailing my daughter's phone tomorrow. He's not a hopeless case I just have to very strong boundaries with him.
I probably shouldn't have posted here but I just get so sick of carrying all this stuff around inside myself and I don't know where else to talk about it.
If he does have Aspergers I do have a place to get help with that.
Thank you for participating .

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He's stayed with me so I know what that's like. I'm not planning on getting remarried until my daughter graduates from high school.

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OP, It is your fault. It is totally your fault. Do what you want, but that is the reality of things.

Are you serious? I don't even believe in "fault". Totally my fault that a man lied to me about being married and lied to me about divorcing? No I am not to blame for that. I was victimized.

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We're all human, here. We're all a little messed up here, too. Even those who purport not to be...It's all relative after all, isn't it?

I think I might also be co-dependent in my relationship (I really don't know and don't care), I don't see it as a problem for me. I'm happy.

Labels....I don't like unless a professional (preferably more than one) states it so that the appropriate help can be given by everyone...including self-help.

But you have to do what's right for you. Sometimes you don't know what that is at the time and you need a while to figure it out. Posting your thoughts is a good thing imho. Not everyone has to agree with what you say and that is also, I think, a good way to be a stronger person. At least that's what I'm told.

Hugs to all.

It is your fault that you continue to have a relationship with him. That is a choice that you have made, no one has coerced you into it.

Hi everyone , as I believe fault finding is destructive and repeatedly being told it is my fault is not helpful so I'm going to take a break from this thread. Thank you for your input.

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Why did that hurt? Now I know that you go on and say...

And if I read between the lines I am led to conclude that you believe that you are co-dependent, are not pleased that you are, and are angry or resentful of the source of your codependency issues.

I am left uncertain of how one accuses someone of being codependent though. You are a woman. I did not accuse you of being a woman, I stated a fact. Likewise, it sounded like this person presented you with a fact - one that you do not disagree with. Did you feel that I was being accusatory when I called you a woman? Why then would you frame one fact as an accusation and another as a simple statement?

Congratulations for having the courage to work on this.

I am not here to blame you, judge you, or shame you...but whose "fault" is it? I personally don't like the word 'fault' in this context - I don't think it is appropriate but you are, in my mind, completely responsible for being in a relationship with him. You made the choice to enter into a relationship with him and you made the choice to stay in a relationship with him. They are your choices. It seems to me you are prepared to see judgement for that decision, but I am not judging you for that or anything.

Has someone said that yours is not a real relationship? If so, I personally think that they are incorrect.

Perhaps he has bpd, perhaps he does not. Without a diagnosis, how would either of you know? If you told me that I was depressed and I didn't think that I was - I would deny it. That is a reasonable response.

May I ask why you are trying to diagnose him? Regardless, if he has not been diagnosed before and if he does not agree with your assessment, what else could he say but, "No, I don't."

Is him having Asperger's a deal breaker for you? I'm still trying to figure out how layman's guesses as to this persons psychology is important to you. You two are either compatible or you are not. If you are not compatible, then him being perfectly mentally healthy doesn't matter. If you are compatible, then him having every condition you've listed doesn't matter.

Wouldn't dream of it.

Wouldn't dream of saying this either.

It's okay,

You start threads then you get upset if you don't receive the advice you must be looking for.

Maybe you could tell us what type of support your wanting??

Maybe a blog would be helpful ?

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I'm actually not looking for advice. I may blog in another community. I have PTSD and that colors my relationships, so I really have to work within that framework to talk about what's going on with me.
I actually get really angry when people start talking about fault and blame . It's not helpful . Furthermore there is a difference between being an active codependent and a codependent in recovery. I hold service positions in recovery meetings so I guess I find it a bit insulting to be told I'm acting codependent.

I could say more but I don't think this is the best sub forum for me.

Thank you

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Ppl aren't blaming you imo. They are just saying you've made choices and you have to take responsibility for them. I'm single and if a man lied to me about being married, right when I found out the truth I would be gone. Once a liar, always a liar in my book. You choose to put up with him. So, what do you expect? I don't get why you're even still in communication with this man...

If you are happy and content with this man and he is wonderful, then it doesn't really matter what everyone else says. I wouldn't get upset. But you come across unhappy and one of the reasons might be that you are with a man who is not well suitable as a partner due to being a liar and perhaps other not so so nice things.

You certainly didn't cause him to be this way so no one is blaming you. You are simply making your choices to stay with him and these choices making you are unhappy. So perhaps you may consider different course of action when it comes to choosing and staying with these types of men. But again as hard as it may be it's your choice, no one else's

I would hesitate to constantly diagnose and label people. Unless he shared with you his official diagnosis, saying he has BPD or npd or Aspergers etc is a bit uncalled for, and of course he denies it. Also the official diagnosis would ASD ( autism spectrum disorder as what they used to diagnose as Asperger is a mild form of ASD) , I do this for a living.

Honestly no man is worth to neglect your dignity and self respect and I am glad you are working on improving your codependency. Are you are addressing the issue with this man at your meetings and with therapist?

I think it's really horrid he "proposed" to you while married to someone else and lying to you that he isn't. It is like all times low. I don't understand how it's ok or a sign of any type of commitment. It's mortifying. You certainly can do better than this.

I hope your meeting and therapy could help you to make good choices in the future

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I wasn't aware of your situation like others are, Leo. It sounds like you just want to vent. When people hit a nerve in trying to address the really unhealthy thoughts and behavior, you shut down.

In support, I want to add that when you are within a society of people who are all on the fringe of reality, it's easy to lose sight of what is healthy. Like when I told you about my temporary engagement experience on this thread, I realized I was a victim of being around only really sketchy people and just wasn't seeing straight because of that.

Plus, I see you are from CA. I have a friend who currently is married but separated and lives in her husband's house with her fiancé. I hate to generalize, but the people I know from LA are in a whole other realm of strange.

You said: I'm actually not looking for advice.
Then why did you post this? You still haven't told us what kind of support you're looking for.

You said: I may blog in another community. I have PTSD and that colors my relationships, so I really have to work within that framework to talk about what's going on with me.

We all have mental illnesses here. Just from my interactions with you, I feel like you use yours as a crutch to excuse anything that you can't handle. Every time someone questions you, you bring up that you have PTSD and change the subject.

You said: I actually get really angry when people start talking about fault and blame . It's not helpful .

You are the one who started this entire thread talking about fault and blame. You are setting yourself up to be angry by posting a thread about whether or not you are at fault or to blame.

You said: Furthermore there is a difference between being an active codependent and a codependent in recovery. I hold service positions in recovery meetings so I guess I find it a bit insulting to be told I'm acting codependent.

I go to meetings too, both to CODA and ACA, and it's not meant as an insult for someone to hold the mirror up and show you that your backsliding. It's meant to help you with your recovery. No one is perfect and we all backslide.

No one here is trying to make you feel bad or guilty or anything. We are all just trying to help you because you continue to post threads about how unhappy you are or what this man has done to you.

Good luck.
Seesaw

Hi, don't know where to start with this. Any discussion of diagnosis was with my therapist who then became his therapist. I have a problem with presenting myself as a child online and I see I'm still doing that by the responses I am getting. This whole thread was an expression of my frustration. I'm well aware of what Aspergers is, forgive my internet shorthand.
Codependency is not the issue here.


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