[winter4me]

I don't think I would do well having a relationship with someone I met on a forum, especially one like this....too easy to read into things posted, and too constricting for me in posting...
I prefer my relationships to be from the non-cyber world. It takes a long time to feel comfortable enough with someone to allow them to express themselves without making a judgement or taking it personally.
I am reminded of an old event. I will write things down, and once wrote something when I was feeling unable to love...normally, out of habit, I would burn such an item rather than risk it being found (at the time by my husband of many years)...convincing myself this was stupid & no one would be digging through trash for things, I crumpled the paper and tossed it in the wood stove...
sure enough, he fished it out and felt terribly hurt...

Originally Posted by winter4me

I don't think I would do well having a relationship with someone I met on a forum, especially one like this....too easy to read into things posted, and too constricting for me in posting...
I prefer my relationships to be from the non-cyber world. It takes a long time to feel comfortable enough with someone to allow them to express themselves without making a judgement or taking it personally.
I am reminded of an old event. I will write things down, and once wrote something when I was feeling unable to love...normally, out of habit, I would burn such an item rather than risk it being found (at the time by my husband of many years)...convincing myself this was stupid & no one would be digging through trash for things, I crumpled the paper and tossed it in the wood stove...
sure enough, he fished it out and felt terribly hurt...

That's it, he says I take things personally and twist everything he says when he doesn't mean anything by it. He asked me how I would feel if someone kept telling them they wanted a relationship when they weren't interested. I told him I'd be flattered. But he obviously finds me annoying. But yes forum posts can be read into, I am glad he's not on this one as I posted something yesterday that was a bit of a reference to him. I do read into his posts but we had an honest conversation the other day where he gave the impression I was harassing him. But now he has texted me back. I don't know why he does that if I'm a nuisance. I might just put that I'm alright, thank you for asking and leave it at that. I can't get into conversation though, I need to make it as short as possible.

Well I capitulated and apologised for bringing up the way I feel about him again. I said I wouldn't mention it again. I can only talk about it here. No one understands. He doesn't know what I see in him. I was talking to one friend about it last night, she knows of him and knows he gets down and whatever he says I feel I should support him. If he genuinely thinks I forced myself on him, he has a very bad memory. It shows how little it meant to him.

I have told him to unfriend me if he wants and I have unfollowed him. He hasn't unfriended me but there will be less contact now which is good. Maybe slowly withdrawing is better than cold turkey. I think I would struggle with never hearing from him again. I know he'll never meet up with me again and a purely online relationship isn't enough for me so I have to try to get over it and reduce contact slowly. Maybe I can be free of these emotions one day.

[pixiefey]

Maybe it's time to take a walk or read a good book. Perhaps go see a movie. Waiting for this guy's texts are tearing you up. Why not get out and enjoy yourself. Are you sure he's not just playing mind games?

No, he wouldn't do that. He has lots of friends. I think with me he's just checking I'm ok. I spoke to my other friend online and she basically says focus on your own goals for yourself. I need to stop thinking about relationships. I really feel done with it all. He won't text again for a while I think, so I have to get used to it. All he does us ask if I'm ok, I ask if he's ok and that's it. It's not really a friendship. I think I have alienated him. He says he hates politics and I love them, he is in political groups on Facebook though so I just think he is looking for excuses to claim we are too different to get on. Reading books would just remind me of him as he is a big reader.

Really as far as mind games go he doesn't have strong feelings for me in any way so he wouldn't think of it. I have bad OCD so I tend not to walk much as it affects that. I could go and see a movie, though.

I certainly am not going to get in touch with him. As much as he has problems to deal with he has other people to support him and I don't help anyway. If he texts then ok but I need to be polite and that's it.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

These things suck, but it's just a small chapter in a big book that is your life. Sure, it hurts now, but in the grand scheme of things, when everything is considered, ... eh! Looking back, I've stressed about so many things that honestly just weren't important. He's one guy and it's a forum on the Internet. You will be okay. It will be okay. I do understand heartache, but I also appreciate letting go a little more as I get older. Funnily enough, my significant other has helped me with that.

I hope you find someone better suited to you, but I agree with whomever it was who said earlier that it'd be best to work on yourself before seeking relationships. I know it's not the most fluffy-bunny reply, but I'm a strong believer in having a solid foundation onto which a relationship can be built, and two people being in a good "place" is, in my opinion, optimal; that isn't to say a relationship can't work, just that it puts more strain on it.

"It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; its the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time." - David Allan Coe

Since spending ample time to work on myself, I've so far been in the strongest relationship I've ever experienced. Granted, it's only my third serious relationship and currently long distance at that, but it's a very strong one with an almost always great communication, and oodles of love. Has it been perfect? Nah. I think there'll always be struggles as a couple, which, IMO, is where that foundation is key. A building with a solid foundation can probably take a lot more resistance.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks, it doesn't feel like it's going to get better right now but people keep telling me it will so I just have to believe them I suppose. I'm not going to get involved with anyone again though, especially since this hurt so badly. I also hate myself too much to get involved with anyone and this whole rejection has made me do so even more. You have to love yourself a bit before you get involved with anyone, it would be a waste of time doing it. I don't think I will ever stop hating myself so I think being single is best from now on. It's sad but is how it is. I'm too old to change and have internalised the hate for so long now, it's ingrained in me. What I need is a dog who will love me unconditionally. I could do with some of that. I think we all could..lol.

I am feeling particularly crap about this today. He hasn't been in touch and I miss the contact, for all it is. I know I can't get in touch with him, I just have to stay away, but it's really hard. The fact he hasn't been in touch says it all. he doesn't give a **** and I should have known better to ever think he did. I would cry but I've put my mascara on and I'll have to try and think of something else.

Edit: I didn't realise this forum automatically blanked out swear words! I wasn't expecting that but I suppose it's a good thing. I am through with men and no offence to any on here, you could be all decent so I am not trying to criticuse you but I can't go through this again. It is awful.

The guy is now flirting on line with someone much younger than me so as I can't stand it I'm going to avoid it all completely, it hurts too much and is not good for my mental health.

[seesaw]

Okay, I've read this entire thread...You need to cut off contact completely with this guy. He is only causing you misery. He's not interested, clearly. He's sending mixed signals that are confusing you and making you upset. And although you say he wouldn't, it really does sound like he's playing with you, because he can.

If you want to heal and move on, cut him off completely. He's not worth it.

You sound like a very sensitive and sweet person. I'm sure there is a better man out there for you, who will appreciate that.

Seesaw

I might be sweet and sensitive when I'm sober. A couple of nights ago I got really drunk and started sending him abusive e mails. All the paranoia and frustration came out. We had a chat yesterday, according to him he hasn't flirted with anyone and doesn't want a relationship with anyone ever again. I can only presume I have put him off and really I should just let go and maybe one day he'll forget about the experience he's had with me and want to find someone else. He says all he ever offered was friendship, that's true but the boundaries were blurred when I went on holiday to see him. I think I have been a bit paranoid about him chatting to young single women on the forum. I have left the forum again and can't ever go back. I agree he is causing me a lot of misery but it's still like an addiction and most of the time we get on. We had a long chat yesterday and I agreed to sort myself out as far as the drinking goes, it makes me do stupid things.

I probably should give him up completely. If I can't accept he's never going to want me maybe it is for the best. I think I would be more miserable without contact than with it though. He gets irritated at me very easily and takes offence when I'm not judging him or meaning to criticise him. I think what's best is for me to leave him alone, if he gets in touch again fair enough, but I don't think I should contact him.

The fact that he still wants to be friends with me after the abusive e mails is a sign he doesn't hate me. I think he just likes chatting to people and I just happen to be in contact with him. He says he doesn't think I used him after all. I have offered him money but he won't have it. He paid for everything when I visited him.

The one thing that sticks in my head is what he said to me when I was down there, that he was attracted to me but didn't know if I liked him back, that he would take things as slow as I wanted, and now he says he only wanted friendship. I just wonder why he would change his story, he could just have been honest and said I had put him off. He's an honest person so I wonder if he just didn't want to ruin the holiday for me and say it was a shock and he hadn't thought of me that way at the time. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back though, yes it confuses me but I have to get past it, and so far I haven't managed to. He said he got carried away with the moment and he has urges, I think what he means is he wouldn't pass up the offer of potentially having sex if it arose, but that was all it was, a bit of fun. He does say he has very little interest in sex, but he won't refuse it. He doesn't want a relationship though, which is the point. I will try not to talk about this again but I seem to need to rant about it every so often. Am sure everyone is fed up of me going on about it now. I just seem to meet men who only want me for a bit of fun. In all honesty I don't want a relationship with anyone else so I feel like staying single is best. I don't think I'm in a good place mentally anyway, although I do think things would have been very different if he was physically in my life. I never know what he's thinking and jump to the worst conclusion. I want to speak to him all the time but know he wouldn't want to. Going cold turkey would be almost impossible and I don't want to be rude and ignore him if he gets in touch. Is it normal to get this addicted to a person online and on the phone? I think I have BPD traits. It is a very intense feeling. Drink is an issue but I can go much longer without drink than I can without him. Talking to him when we are speaking normally stops me drinking, it's when we're not I hit the bottle, or if I get jealous. It's silly because he says he's not interested in anyone else.

Hopefully this is my last rant on it, I know people will say to avoid him but I just don't know how without reaching for the bottle.

He texted me to see how I was. I just said ok. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. It makes me sad. I don't know why he texts. It's not like he is really bothered. I'm sure if I said I was suicidal he wouldn't bother. I hate not having a conversation with him. Am going to bed and hopefully will feel better tomorrow. Feel **** right now.