Holding Onto Your Virginity an Issue

Why did you start this thread? You say this and then you just reverse yourself with your last post. You really don't reflect about anything anyone on this thread suggested. It's like you just defend your unrealistic criteria, responding to yourself.

You are not a strictly religious person, the waiting for the honeymoon and you are 29, is very rare. You may meet a death metal guy with a good job, who can go to concerts with you mid-week, and will marry you before having sex with you-- but you sure have slim chances of that happening.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there is something deeper going on with you than just these excuses.

Honestly in order to be able to enjoy concerts one needs to work. Concerts cost money. I wouldn't worry about meeting guys right now. Most decent men of your age would be apprehensive about dating a woman who neither works nor goes to school. I'd focus on that first. There are religious men who will wait for marriage but they might want someone who can contribute. At 29 you need to work or go to school or be on disability. This should be your focus in my opinion

I feel that waiting until marriage is a huge mistake. What if you two aren't sexually compatible? For me, sex is a huge part of any potential relationship, as in it has to be good in order for things to work out. Intimacy is a major part of any successful relationship, believe me. I tried dating a guy who was terrible in bed and it didn't work for me. I couldn't keep going, so I let him go.

Like Tisha said, you have bigger issues going on here. It's not about celibacy, but about a fear of growing up and intimacy. You just want it all to magically happen on the wedding night, when that's not how a good functioning relationship works.

I would seek therapy for your issues and hold off on relationships until you have things figured out from there. Good luck!

Wait! Wait! Wait! if a guy doesn't respect your values, then he's not worth your time and attention. Both my husband and I were virgins when we married, later in life. He told me after years of marriage that he would not have married me if I had given in to his "passes."

A relationship is damaged if sex occurs too early. I am a social psychologist and I know. You don't need therapy over this issue unless your desire to be a virgin is based on fear.

It's fun to learn together! I wouldn't want to be someone a man was practicing on, so he'd be good in bed on his wedding night.

I respectfully call shenanigans on this statement.

seesaw

I do too.

Good relationships are based on getting to know each other, spending time talking and finding common interests. Sex too early tends to circumvent this process, since some couples start concentrating too much on that behavior.

Long lasting relationships need the friendship factor, since sexual ability and desire wane some with time.

Listen, I am a 61-year-old lady, married 28 years, with a Ph.D. in social psychology. I go against all this sexual promiscuity and obsession in the current culture. Yes, I am an old "fuddy-duddy."

Of course, we all want to think the way we believe (sex or no sex) in a non-marital relationship is the way to go.

Stolemyheart87, it's your decision to make, dear one. Just remember, though, that virginity can only be given away once. I care about you and am the grandma giving you my advice.

The OP's issues aren't just about her virginity. She is 29, doesn't work, didn't go to college, doesn't drive, lives at home with parents, wants to find a husband but has unrealistic, rigid demands that he have a good job, but goes to death metal concerts often with her even during mid-week, she doesn't ever want to have children, says she doesn't like them, oh and plans to remain a virgin until the wedding night, but her reasons are not because she is a religious person, she is not particularly religious, so she will not be a good match for someone who is, who is probably the only type of man who will wait until the honeymoon for sex.

I did wait maybe 6 weeks before having sex with my h, when we started dating. He had even asked me to go out of town with him to a hotel, and I said I wasn't ready. I do think waiting that little bit helped us. But, I know many people who jumped right into bed and still had great relationships and got married.

My h would never have married without first having sex. I wouldn't have either, unless I was extremely religious and married rather young.

I don't think op is addressing real issue here.

SMH, you are an intelligent woman, you write well enough that it doesn't lead me to think you have any learning disabilities. There is something amiss here. Have your parents infantalized you? Do you have emotional issues that are keeping you from growing up?

My help here may be unwanted and resisted. You just dodge the real issues and defend your rigidity, but if you honestly look at this, you can save yourself years more confusion.

I am high school special ed teacher. Variety of disabilities, they all work. Many work while still in high school. But certainly after graduation (I keep in contact). Some part time if they are on SSDi. Many go to trade schools/community colleges. Some just join work force. Some are employed with help of disability services. I really don't know any 29 year olds who just sit home and go nothing . No matter what disabilities people have.

I honestly don't understand parents here and blame them. I have same age daughter and she is also my only child. If she decided to sit home rent free and do nothing I sure wouldn't tolerate her watching tv all night and running fans, as well as dating sites, racking up electric bills. She would have to be on job search sites all day, not dating sites. don't understand why these parents allowing all this.

I had sex on the first meeting with my ex-fiancee and we were together for 3 years. Our problems had nothing to do with our early sexual intimacy but something entirely different.

I still call shenanigans on this point. I would agree that sex early in a relationship is not always the right choice, but it's not always a wrong choice either. It's completely dependent on the people involved.

Seesaw

Oh, and I'm not suggesting that the OP change this belief/value. I completely respect anyone's right to wait or not wait. It's a completely personal choice.

It appears like you are looking for this husband to support you so you can maintain your lifestyle. What are you going to do for him?

I didn't work after I got married at 29. I had three kids, and I actually worked much harder as a stay at home mom and wife than I ever did at any paid job I ever had.

I don't know about the OP's background. I am surprised to hear this information about you, Stolemyheart87. I honestly don't know what to say, but I think it's unrealistic especially in this day and age to sit at home, trying to figure out whether to have sex with a man or not to get him as a husband.

Hey, there's a life out there. A good, wonderful life of meaningful work, friends, shopping, eating out, etc. Please figure out what you need to do to get out and live, not so worried about whether a man is on the horizon. I can tell you that being married to the wrong man is much worse than living the single life.

I apologize if I am speaking incorrectly about your situation. Take care, dear one.

I wanna be happy and accepted for who I am but yet everyone online and around me doesn't like me.

if it's important to you then that's cool, but sex is important to a lot of people in relationships. I won't lie, it'll be hard to find someone who also wants to wait or is willing to, but you can. My brother waited until marriage. My boyfriend was a virgin when we started dating, he was waiting for someone special too.

Good luck, and don't lose hope of finding someone!(:

Are you referring to the people you meet IRL and online who you want to date?

You can keep doing and saying the same things, sticking to exactly who you are. Are you happy? You might meet people who accept and like you as a friend or for a few dates.

You have said on here that you have very strict criteria for the person you want a relationship with and your chances of finding that person are like a needle in a haystack.

If you become more realistic, you will find more guys who will want a relationship with you.

Can't you loosen your rules to when you have a true, committed relationship with a man who you can see yourself spending your life with, who feels the same about you, and you both want the same thing, then you will have sex with him? Once you both say 'love' and mean it?

Lose your virginity when it is right for you. If the guy you are seeing does not agree, he is not worth it. Trust me.

You can see on this thread how this may be happening. People spent time giving you suggestions, but you never got engaged with them. People wondered why you opened the thread. Ultimately the thread has become a waste of time. Wasting other people's time is not going to make those people your fans.

People want to have sex when the time is right, for them. Not earlier, but just as much not later. When the romance is going really well, and is progressing naturally and healthily, and one person starts to put on the breaks because sex is coming too close, and probably that person is doing it mostly because of the values of others, then that's unpleasant to the other person.
The other person also will have her or his insecurities and may see the artificial slowing down as a rejection.

Then again, the point where you 'get married' differs in society. Most here are from the US, where it is normal for many to marry in your early twenties. Maybe people just marry earlier so they can have sex at exactly the same point in the relationship, but then inside marriage.

As for the OP, people like to help people who want to be helped. You open threads because you want advice. People will give the advice they feel like giving. That sometimes makes it difficult. If all you got was people reenforcing your current ideas and behavior, your life won't change. Do you want change? If so, you need to actively pursuit change.

You got a lot of harsh advice. That must be hard. But was it unfair? I can't say it is.

In the end you need purchasing power. You want traits that are in high demand? That's costly. You want traits that are rare? That's costly. Can you pay for it?

Yeah, I kind of hammered the point home because I was stressed from the election. I hope my logic made sense and helped somebody.

Best to you, SMH

Average age of marriage in the US is 27-29. Not early 20s. I don't know people who marry in the US so they can have sex at the time of marriage (unless we are discussing very religiously conservative groups). By late 20s early 30s (average age of marriage) people already had sex. One doesn't need to be married to have sex in the US. Where do you get your info from?

That's clearly not what I said.