[Krazee2]

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. We see each other 2 to 3 days a week. He is very kind, loving, caring and patient. I'm very perceptive and have an Accurate "gut feeling".
I don't believe my boyfriend ever cheated or ever would.

But recently he told me that he'd started using a new barber. He had been going to the same woman for haircuts for years. Then I noticed they were no longer FB friends. I felt like something was off so I started investigating.

So I learned there was not a new barber. He was still going to get. I looked at cell phone records and she txt or called him a lot for someone that gets one haircut a month.

I confronted him about it all. He said he didn't know why he lied. He said he thought I might be jealous. He said he unfriended her because he didn't want it to cause us problems. He said the txt and calls were just about a haircut. I pointed out she txt him three days one week, after he had got a haircut. He said she is goofy. He said there was nothing going on. She was just a woman that cut his hair.

I never gave him any reason to think I was jealous. He mentioned this new (fictitious) barber several times in the last few months. he really wanted me to believe this woman was no longer in his life.

He's begging me to forgive him for lying and give him another chance. I explained it's not about the lie, it's about his involvement with this woman. He gets upset and says there wasn't any involvement,

[Krazee2]

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. We see each other 2 to 3 days a week. He is very kind, loving, caring and patient.

I'm very perceptive and my gut feeling has always been accurate. I found out that my boyfriend manipulated me by his lies and deceit.

He has been getting his haircut by the same woman for years. A few months ago he told me he went to new barber and mentioned it a lot. Then I noticed he had unfriended her on FB. After a little research I found out that there wasn't a new barber. That he never stopped going to her. He said he didn't know why he lied, then he said he thought I might be jealous. He said he unfriended her because he thought it might cause us problems. I looked at his cell phone records and she contacted him too much for someone that gets one haircut a month. He said it was regarding a haircut. I pointed out he had got a haircut on Friday and she txt him the following Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He said she was goofy.

I never gave him a reason to make him think I was jealous. He said nothing was going on between them. She just cut his hair. I ask why the ruse? He said he's racked his brain and he doesn't know why. He's begged for forgiveness for lying and ask for another chance to prove he is the man I fell in love with. I've told him repeatedly that it's not just the lie. He betrayed me. His lack of respect and loyalty to me proved she was very important to him.

Everybody lies for some reason. I would actually understand if he lied , if I was crazy jealous. But that's not the case here. I love him and don't want to lose him. But how do I move past forward when I can't stop wondering what was really going on?

[divine1966]

He is very likely cheating

[Talthybius]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He is very likely cheating

There is no collective knowledge about if he cheated. We don't even know who he is.

But apparently you cannot trust this person. Why not end it?

[Krazee2]

I love him and can't imagine my life without him. I just can't believe he would cheat, there was no other signs. He's devoted and with me every minute he can. I understand sometimes people lie to prevent conflict, drama or hurt feelings. But this doesn't apply and I can't rationalize it. I guess I'm hoping to convince myself not to give up. My heart is broken but if we break up it's going to hurt even worst.

[~Christina]

Long distance relationship? You see each other 2-3 times a week ?

You have access to his cell phone records ?

Personally I would cut my losses and move on, but that is just me.

[Krazee2]

We were planning to get married after we relocated. We both are in the process of selling our homes.

I ask to see his cell phone records and he showed them to me.

[divine1966]

I am also not sure what you mean by long distance. 2-3 times a week? It doesn't sound like long distance

I wouldn't be selling my house unless I have stable job prospects at a new location and place to live. Don't make drastic changes

[Krazee2]

We live 140 miles apart. So it takes two hours one way, so I can't just pop in anytime,
He works 4 days a week and I work 5. He will stay with me most of the time on his off days.
We are going relocate half way in order to keep our jobs.

I have a daughter still at home in college. I won't move until she goes off to school. He will move before me. So this isn't anything that will happen in less than a year.

[healingme4me]

Moving forward is an effort and struggle and in my experience, takes time.
It's a test in commitment. And there isn't truly a set standard by which to map out a "how-to." more than asking of your forgiveness, in my opinion, as humbling as that is, is in his owning up to not just the pain or discomfort this caused you, but also a time for him to recognise his vulnerabilities, accepting where/how/why he caught himself in this scenario.
It can lead to affair proofing and a deeper bond. It's important that he allows and accepts moments where you'll feel hurt still, provided you are committed to a desire to move past hurt.
It takes time and mutual effort.

[divine1966]

I wouldn't be selling my house and moving. The whole story with hairdresser is very much off

[xenko]

It's too soon to sell your house and uproot yourself for someone who is questionable. many times, I've found that one lie is not the only lie. Be careful.

[Bill3]

Your words suggest that you have had a very strong reaction to his actions. It was this sort of reaction, i suspect, that he hoped to avoid; this could be why he lied to you.

It is no wonder that you feel uneasy. It is quite difficult for me to believe that his barber texts him multiple times in a week about his haircut. If she is "goofy", perhaps he would be willing to share those texts with you.

And he still sees her monthly for a haircut?

It will be hard to forgive when you don't know how close they became and therefore what you would be forgiving him for and to what extent he betrayed you.

[xenko]

How do you "affair proof" a relationship? Long distance. There's no way of ever knowing what's really going on. I'm sorry but you're at a disadvantage here.

[Krazee2]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Your words suggest that you have had a very strong reaction to his actions. It was this sort of reaction, i suspect, that he hoped to avoid; this could be why he lied to you.

It is no wonder that you feel uneasy. It is quite difficult for me to believe that his barber texts him multiple times in a week about his haircut. If she is "goofy", perhaps he would be willing to share those texts with you.

And he still sees her monthly for a haircut?

It will be hard to forgive when you don't know how close they became and therefore what you would be forgiving him for and to what extent he betrayed you.

The red flag was the fact she cut his hair for a few years before we met and he has used her the entire time we've been together. Almost two years, and I never mention her. All this happened a few months ago.
He switched barbers, (my best friend)

Yeah, checking his past txt log seemed to catch him off guard. He was more than willing to show me his records. Im pretty sure he thought I could only see current txt log. But when I went to past txt log, he acted shocked. So he didn't have time to come up with a good lie.

He works nights, when he arrived at my place after work, he always took his phone and iPad to bed with him. Since the confrontation he leavs both in the living room when he goes to bed. I guess to allow me to snoop since he knows she won't be contacting him.

He always deleted txt and call log. Convenient.

[healingme4me]

There's some relationship sites out there that address 'affair proofing' that can be researched. Seeing one another at the frequency hardly sounds as extreme long distance. (in reply to the last post)

[seesaw]

It seems odd to me that you are checking his text logs or phone logs. That stinks of distrust. The fact that he is deleting them shows that he doesn't have any trust of you to respect his privacy either.

I don't understand what really happened here. It sounds a little like an over-reaction. A woman was texting him, did he do anything? If all that was happening was a woman texting him, this doesn't sound like a betrayal to me. I'm not trying to invalidate your emotions, but I think you need to recognize how strongly you feel about something that is relatively minor.

Did he do something with this woman? I mean, it sounds like he told a minor lie to keep you from getting upset (which clearly you are) about a none issue. Unless he actually did something besides receive this woman's texts. Did he tell her to stop texting him? I mean, a good hair stylist is hard to find, so if it was just.minor flirting and he put an end to it, I would understand why he continued to get his hair cut by her.

I'm more concerned with the policing that's going on, with you checking his text logs, etc. Relationships don't last long when there's no trust.

Have you two considered couples counseling?

[divine1966]

Hairdressers don't call their clients 3 times a week. And innocent people don't make up lies.

[Krazee2]

You misunderstood. I did not snoop in his phone. This was an observation, before all this happened. He would take both iPad and iPhone to bed with him while he was sleeping. They are synced, so messages and calls go to both.

Over reacting? Just out of the blue someone tells you "I went this new barber, he did a great job blah blah blah.... then I went to that new barber for a cut but the line was too long, I need to go to this store next week, while I'm on that end of town I'm going to go to the barber, I just got my haircut, he did a great job. I specifically ask, did you go to Jane? No I haven't been to her in months.

There was not a new barber.

He said he doesn't know why he lied but nothing was going on. I ask if I could see his cell phone records for peace of mind.

Yes, I have trust issues. I told him from the beginning that I've been cheated on a lot in my past relationships. It's hard to let my guard down.

[Krazee2]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

There's some relationship sites out there that address 'affair proofing' that can be researched. Seeing one another at the frequency hardly sounds as extreme long distance. (in reply to the last post)

Well I say long distance because it takes two hours and we both work in the area we live. So we have 4 or 5 days that we know we will not see each other.

Thanks, I will check it out

[seesaw]

Okay, I didn't mean to offend just was unclear on the whole situation. So obviously from your past experience it takes a lot for you to trust. I think getting to the bottom of why he lied may help.

I don't think your relationship is doomed. This was a misstep but you can overcome it. Do you see a therapist? I think working on your trust issues could help. After trust has been broken, it takes time for that trust to be built back up. Your bf will have to understand that. He will also have to understand that from time to time your hurt feelings will still come up.

[Krazee2]

That's ok you didn't offend me. I have not seen a therapist in a few years. Because it became all about self love and trying to help me to do that to overcome my low self esteem and self worth. I do need to go back because this is driving me crazy.
He is trying but when ask why? He says I don't know why.

It would not have bothered me if she txt him. They have known each over four years. There wasn't enough texting that screamed affair and she always initiated the calls and txt. He unfriended her on facebook around that time. He said because he was concerned it would cause us problems. She commented on his post occasionally, nothing questionable.

Maybe she was hitting on him and he liked the ego boost. I have no clue. But he went through a lot of trouble trying to convince me she was no longer in the picture. And with my history with cheating, I'm thinking the worst.

Thanks again

[seesaw]

Yeah, it sounds like he was trying to protect you, and maybe she was just flirting and hitting on him, that happens even to people in committed relationships. But lying is not the way to protect you.

[Trippin2.0]

Yes and what's with the whole story of pretending this hair dresser is no more?
That's what makes me most uneasy, he was hell bent on you believing she's out of the picture, and unless you were expressing dislike or jealousy or were getting into fruitless arguments over her, I smell a rat.

I would not be moving anywhere