In love, but don't want to be?...

I recently went to another city for a week (the city I am considering moving to in future) and met up with a person I've talked to on some dating site. When we were talking online, it was clear that there was chemistry but it was also clear that we are very different people. However, I liked her confidence, persistence and attention so we continued talking.

When we finally met in person, we spent more than 12 hours together, had couple drinks and almost had sex. Next time we met I ended up going to her place (this time fully sober) and staying over.Then we were seeing each other every day (she had to travel for about an hour each time to see me) and I ended up moving my stuff to her place in the end of my vacation.
At some point she asked me to try long-distance and I agreed. I was completely infatuated and now that I got back home.. I do not think it was a right thing to do.

Here is why: This person is a bag of red flags (from my perspective) :\ She drinks more than three times a week, does not have a regular job, many people in her family are recovering alcoholics (her family is quite broken and she grew up in a crazy environment...), she lives off welfare and does not seem to care about finding actual job.. Her room is Extremely messy and she did not graduate high school. I am piling up a bunch of facts, thank you for bearing with me and reading this, if you got this far

I am just feeling frustrated, because I feel huge sympathy for this person, it seems like people were not treating her well at all and I want to help, just as a human being. Another issue is that she is almost 10 years older than me (i am 23) and her health is a messed up because she used to do drugs (hasn't been doing any for the last 8 yrs - except for alcohol and cigarettes...).
I really don't want to be with someone like that and at the same time I feel for her, she is so adorable, attentive and caring. But it feels like we are coming from very different worlds. She is pretty much a ghetto child but a part of me just wants to show her a 'better world' and is hoping she can change. She did say that I make her 'a better version of herself', she drinks and smokes less (but it still feels like A Lot for me....) and feels differently.

I never had such a chemistry with someone before and I feel comfortable with her - although I am afraid to bring up all these things that worry me.. I do bring them up but very gently.

She seems to be very much in love with me currently but I am almost hoping the feelings will fade away while we are apart. She does want to come visit me (she'll have to spend a while saving $ for it, though...) and I can go visit her. I really miss her and have feelings for her but from a rational perspective, this is a person I'd like to be with. I also feel like it sucks to break up with someone on a distance.

*writing this out really helps.. but I do need someone's advice, please..

I'm on the same kind of dilemma.
Man-woman relationships are complicated, but in my eyes, that's the beauty of it.
On one hand you're comfortable together. On the other hand, there are details (such as age, past, physical health) which bothers you.
I can recommend defining your relationship together. That way it will be clear for the both of you what you all want in the relationship.
I love the idea of defining the relationship together, setting together what's best for both partners.

*we are both women, by the way
thank you for your advice! i think i'm afraid to bring up the things that worry me cause I hate arguments/confrontations and usually avoid conflicts, but I know they are not always bad and scary...

Everyone has a history. She seems like she's turned her life around but maybe isn't that 'together' which is fine, many people aren't. If her history and alcohol/cigarette consumption are too much for you it might be an idea to knock it on the head while it's still very early on. However it does sound like you like her a lot, so I'd give it some serious thought.

You could maintain contact for a while and see if the concerns you mentioned truly are dealbreakers for you.

However, the romantic relationship, imho, if there is to be one, should not be based on the concepts of showing her a better world and hoping she can change. Those concepts certainly are admirable but in my view they make her more your ward or your patient or your mentee rather than your girlfriend or lover.

This relationship has no future. This is absolutely not a woman you seriously want as a future mother of your children. You know that. You don't really want her . . . even if you were never going to have any children. But you feel guilty.

You'ld like to help her to straighten herself out. Forget it, forget it, forget it. You can't take her on as some kind of a "project" that you'ld like to work on for awhile. She was comfortable to be with. The sex was gratifying. It would be fun to spend some more time with her. I get all that. But you are not falling in love and you're not going to be. Letting her go now will hurt her. In six months, it will hurt her more.

You are facing the dilemma of realizing that you have access to a woman who was pleasant to be with on a temporary basis, but you utterly do not have a longterm interest in her . . . and you kind of feel like a heel. Let that be a lesson to you.

It's not really okay to sort of kill some time with an uneducated woman who has a bunch of problems. Not for a man as well-educated as your writing shows you to be. Stick with women who are your peers, in terms of the advantages that life has given them. Basically, you went "slumming," but you have sufficient character to not feel real good about just discarding this gal. Sooner, or later, that's exactly what you are going to do. So get it over with. Say good-bye, for her sake . . . so she can move on and connect with someone on her peer level. At age 33, she already has a pretty limited future to look forward to. You can't change that. Let her go and find a guy who is similarly screwed up. That's what is going to happen. Don't drag this out to try and make it about you wanting to feel noble.

thank you for your reply. I do see myself thinking of a person as a 'project' at times and realize how messed up it is. Changing my perspective.
Does it make a difference to you that we are both women?..

No it makes no difference that you are both women. The relationship dynamic is the same and sounds pretty dubious.

in the ideal world it would be the same, but we live in a world where men are, in fact, more privileged and that does make things different. Although I agree that some points are the same when it comes to a relationship. But status-wise, from the society's perspective a guy-girl versus girl-girl are two different stories.

I have two reactions...one is to ream you out for being judgmental, etc., and then the other is to say, she's just not the one you're looking for. And she's not. And I think what's stopping you from cutting it off is that you don't want to be judgmental or seem judgmental. But you can't change how you feel or what you want in a relationship. I think you are 23 and being VERY mature about seeing the red flags and deciding she isn't right for you.

BTW, I'm in my mid-30s and my place is often very messy. My family life sucked. But I understand that there are multiple factors going into your "Red flags," it's not those things alone, but the culmination of so many things that bother you.

Tell her you just want to be friends. Or that you aren't ready. I don't know, you're going to hurt her regardless of how you put it, because rejection just hurts. So just be gentle.

Seesaw

None whatsoever.

I profer the exact same advice to you as a gay woman.

Ask yourself what is it about someone way less favorably endowed by life than yourself that so piques your interest. There is a bigger issue here than just your assignation with this one particular woman. You are not connecting well with potential partners who could be described as having "peer status," socially, with yourself. That problem will be dogging you, even if you clip off the connection to this individual.

You are gravitating toward excessively needy types. (I have the same tendency.) It's unhealthy.

you are right, I mostly fall for people who are/were using drugs before and are coming from a different background. I think it is partly attraction to 'being on the edge' or rebelling against the conventional norms??

I am not sure why it is happening :\ I feel like i really fu**ed up in this case by letting it go that far in such a short time. I am trying to communicate my worries to this person right now..

The attraction may be somewhat from the motives you describe. But there's more going on. Either you like being with persons you can feel dominant with, or you lack confidence, socially, in the company of your peers - who can reallpy challenge you, or be unimpressed by you. I don't think you're really looking for weak persons to push around. So I think it is the latter case of the two reasons I just gave.

As for "communicating your worries," - again - that would seem appropriate with a true peer. You are trying to make her share responsibility for the ending of this relationship. That approach is a bit disingenous here. I'll tell you why.

You are probably going to make your decision to stay in, or leave, this relationship independent of what she says or does. Oh, sure, if she would vow to utterly reform her errant ways and make good on that, then you'ld give her a chance. But you've lived long enough and are mature enough to know very well that there can be limits to how radical a transformation anyone can achieve. I'm not judging her . . . I'm trying to humanely recognize that she is a product of big influences that she couldn't, and can't, help. You laid them out. That's why I'm saying: "You know better."

It happens to be one of my closely held values that persons coming from a well-endowed background of, for instance, stable parents and a good education, have a greater responsibility in relationships with other persons who are clearly handicapped by their troubled backgrounds. You strike me as a person of integrity, so that's why I'm even bothering to call you on this. You are a caring person. You genuinely are concerned for this unfortunate woman. But you have an obligation, IMHO, to do her no further harm.

she actually responded quite well to my concern. Was very open about it. And I am not a kind of person to ask someone to change for me, I see her as she is. Yes, this is not who I would like to end up with.

Do you have any advice on letting her go gently? is there even a gentle way? I cannot imagine hurting this person. Especially knowing how attached she got feels like I have my own life, my friends and her but she only got me??

I am going through ups and downs, a part of me knows I need to let go and another part just wants take care of her and give her all the love she deserves. She wants to visit me in spring and she would stay at my place, cook for me and wait for me at home. :\ I think it would be us hiding from the real world..

Yeah, playing "house" with this woman in the Spring doesn't strike me as such a hot idea. You'ld like to lay some love and caring on her . . . for awhile.

Take a longer view. Suppose you offer to be her forever friend in a limited friendship. Where would that go? Do you really want her showing up on your doorstep, metaphorically or in reality, whenever she is having a significant tailspin. And that's the trajectory she's on. Do you not think that'll likely get old? You'll get sick of it and it'll just get messier.

You can't show her a "better world" like sponsoring her into a club.

You don't want her to change for you . . . but you do want her to change . . . for herself. And you're going to be what? . . . . her mentor? At age 23, you have enough to do figuring out how you're going to make it in life. You can't adopt someone who's 32 and re-raise them. You can't select her goals for her. You can't help someone who is engaged in nothing positive to fix herself. She's got nothing going for her. I'm sure there is great pathos in the mess that is her life, but she is doing almost everything she can to keep it a mess. And that may be all she is capable of.

I don't know how you get out of this gracefully. But I'm pretty confident that, gracefully or not, you'll get out of it. It's just a question of how much angst you'll go through first. This gal has ten years more experience in living than you have. She'll get by. Don't make yourself responsible for her plight.

thank you.. I talked to her about our differences and that we won't be able to make it in a long-run. You are exactly right, it is a combination of too many factors that worry me, not just the messy room..`It would worry me way less if the room was messy but not with a ton of empty beer cans :\

now that I am on a friendly terms with her, I feel more open to help without feeling like I am nagging someone to change

I'm wondering what you mean by "I feel more open to help . . . "

This gal has what is now called "alcohol use disorder." (Doctors have kind of retired the word "alcoholic.") That's what a room littered with beer cans means. How do you "help" that?

I would encourage you to go to an Al-Anon meeting and pick up some of their literature . . . especially since you have a pattern of being attracted to substance abusers.

Substance abusers - drunks and addicts - aren't best described as people living "on the edge" who "rebel against social norms." This is not merely a Bohemian lifestyle. This is a person who is very sick. And she has not "turned her life around." I have to disagree with Stewie on that. Her problem isn't just her "history." She is deep in the throes of deterioration now. To find that objectionable is not being "judgemental." It is being sensibly discerning.

What separates you aren't mere "differences." Difference would be, like, you're a vegan and she is not. Or: you're a liberal and she's a conservative. This is way beyond "differences." Her life has fallen apart, and she is not in the process of putting it back together.

she thanked me a lot for being there for her and according to her, for the first time in her life she has a plan for her life, more or less. It is a very simple plan, she will be moving in with her grandmother who has health issues to help her out. That grandmother is a very decent lady, she is a theatre fan and does not have alcohol problem (they are not related by blood, in fact. adoption story).
By more open to help I mean that right now I am more comfortable to express my attitude towards her lifestyle, she sensed that and we spoke about her alcoholism openly. It feels like she has a very screwed up image of herself, since most of her blood relatives are addicts and she grew up in that environment, she is rolling down the same path. I know it is not up to me to change the way she views herself, so I am letting go. It is very hard and painful to do. Also, not going to hide - it is hard to let go of someone who was giving you so much attention and affection. But it is probably for the better.