Married but infatuated with another woman

Hi all,

As you can see in my post history i've had a few bouts of depression but thankfully seem to come out better after some time. I feel like I am experiencing a mini-depression and anxiety over something I shouldn't be thinking about.

I also realize this post is going to sound like I am a terrible person. But I can't help it.

My wife and I have been together for about 10 years (5 married) and have 2 little girls. She's the first woman that I was with. We've had our ups and downs including a discussion of divorce last summer (mostly my fault).

I'll admit that i've been attracted by other women but nothing serious. I'm sure she has been attracted to other men...I think that is part of life. But I have never felt any feeling for anyone else, never contemplated doing something about it, etc. If anything in my mind if I thought a woman was nice to me or interested it would give me a boost of confidence.

For the first time since I met my wife I have become quite interested in another woman. I feel like she is into me as well. I think about this other woman all the time, become distracted, think about the different signals like I did when I was a young boy. I want to run into her and if I don't see her or have any contact I feel terrible. This has also caused me to get to what I feel is the start to my depression symptoms (losing interest in other things, can't get out of bed in the morning, etc.).

I don't know what this means and I can't simply avoid this other woman and stop thinking about her. But then I feel bad for thinking the way I do and it just keeps bringing me down. I don't understand why this woman has been so different than other "attractions" in my past.

Has anyone else been through something like this before? I am terrible.

Thanks.

I'm a female and I've had the same issue...

In the end, it was just infatuation. I even went as far as leaving and dating them and having a child with them.

This infatuation has happened more than once and I ended up going back to who I was with in the first place..he still took me back..

The more you think about her, the worse it gets. And it's life, you can try it out and see if the grass is greener on the other side..I guess it can be different for everyone...but I would talk to your significant other about it..just open up..what is she going to do? Smack you?

I know it's probably hard, but have you thought about talking this with the woman you're interested in? Explaining the situation and all?

To be totally honest, attraction and infatuation are not always one in the same thing. Thing is we are all "attracted" to other people, we can find others of the sex we are interested in and it doesn't have to lead to infatuation.

This is what I see. You mention that she was your first, your wife.

You've talked of divorce and you mention ups and downs. If you've gotten to the point of talking about a break up there is something missing in your relationship with your wife that you are seeking and you likely see something in this other woman that would probably fulfill this - in your mind anyway, even if it's not conscious.

I don't know where you are in your marriage but the fact that you let yourself be infatuated with another woman speaks volumes. I know you think and feel it can't be helped but I would venture to guess that if everything in your marriage was great you probably wouldn't even have any interest beyond noticing a woman might be attractive in passing. That is where I would look into yourself first.

What are you missing? find out and decide at that point what you want to do... approach your wife about it and reconcile whatever it is, or some other thing like moving on. I'm not encouraging either choice I'm just saying it's one that you have to consider. Don't approach the woman you are infatuated with, approach your wife, first. The temptation with this woman would probably be to high and that would be playing with fire IMO.

Thank you for the helpful reply! I'm glad I am not alone in that people understand instead of just assuming the worst in me. Maybe "infatuation" is a strong word but I literally have a spell cast on me by this woman. My wife and I chatted last night about the state of the marriage and agreed that things weren't as good as they used to be. I never brought up my interest in another woman however.

As I said before i've had other attractions to women while married. There was someone at work who I really enjoyed being around. I would enjoy going to work for that reason. However - it was nothing like I am feeling now. I don't really know this girl but when thinking of her or being excited that we talked I then get feelings of guilt, anxiety, and disappointment in my life, and don't want to lose the kids.

What am I missing? I have no idea. I feel like we don't share any interests anymore, we aren't as compatible, etc. It's something I for sure have to figure out.

Thank you both for your replies. I have too thought about if I should initiate any contact. I just don't know how to approach it. I don't want to give too much information but she is a teacher at the school my kids go to (not their teacher). As you can imagine there isn't a lot of time for chatting. The encounters i've had with her have been while she was in the lobby and waiting for another child, inside on a break, etc.

I feel like she is into me, but i've never been good at understanding advances (most times I have been set up or asked out - like my wife did when we first dated). If I were to be rejected or misread the situation it would be hard to show my face around their again with other teachers, parents, friends we've made, etc.

I take it if she was interested in me, I would somehow have to initiate the conversation? I would assume it would be hard for her to approach me if she was interested since I am married.

One thing I had thought of is casually emailing her and thanking her for something (like today she helped direct my youngest to where my oldest was) but not mention anything about the interest from me to see how she replies. Our child care has a group email list but am still thinking that would look way to desperate. Thoughts?

This is all so complicated for me and I know I sound like I deserve nothing. Like in my last post it is a mix of wanting to be happier, but with guilt for my family.

Thanks for listening.

I would not start any talk with the woman until you make a decision with your wife about whether or not you are going to work on your marriage. Don't bring another woman into the mix as long as you are still married. I'm speaking from experience. It would only cause pain.

Thank you - that is what my logical self keeps telling me. On the other side though (and this will probably offend people) I am worried I could be losing out as well. Ideally I could have seen this in the past and things would be made easier but everything just feels so impossible now.

I certainly feel that once there's a disintegration within a relationship, in walks a vulnerable state, hence the enormity of the feelings regarding the other woman. To me it's part fantasy, not that she isn't a very real person with very real interactions, and part escape from the pain/anguish/hurt/dissatisfaction/what-have-you that is caused by the void/instability of the marriage.

Not uncommon, what so ever. It does bring to light a crossroads.

Tough place to be in, for sure.

Yup, tell me about it. It's a struggle between:

A - I don't know much about this newer person but know if we hit it off that it would make me happy, bring me new happiness and excitement

B - If we did hit it off, it would mean the end of my relationship (although i'm not sure it is doing well now), loss of children full time, financial loss, etc.

I feel like this time the grass would be greener on the other side but there is no way of guaranteeing that at all as well which is what I keep telling myself. Plus as i've said earlier, I don't even know a good approach to initiate some dialogue with this other woman without potential embarrassment and guilt.

IMO that you feel being with her would "make me happy, bring me new happiness and excitement" tells you what you feel you are missing in your life now.

I think the phrase 'hitting it off' is really telling - that is what we do in the beginning stage of any relationship. I have no doubt you could 'hit it off' with a variety of different people if you and they wished- that is the easy part. The less straightforward part is building a life together, raising children, being a team, and nurturing the love you have. If it were easy these forums would be empty.

New attraction is exciting and giddy, it makes us feel alive - the reason for this is the hormones we are producing, this infatuated state only lasts a few years on average, if it lasted longer we'd wear ourselves out. Personally I think you need to think very carefully about the whole situation, focussing less on this current infatuation and more and what you need in your life/marriage to make yourself feel happiness and excitement again.

If you and your wife do decide your marriage is not working out I'd strongly advise talking it over with her/coming to the decision whether to continue or not before you approach any other woman. Ask yourself what you would expect of your wife, how would you feel if you knew she was approaching another man (acting on it is a big difference to being attracted to someone)? It's a good rule of thumb to how you should behave yourself.

Thanks - that is actually what my wife and I discussed. We both know things aren't the same (we aren't sure if its because of the business of kids, previous issues, etc). But we are both having trouble figuring out what we want to be happy.

Right now for me, and this sounds bad, is to be excited again. Like you mentioned the feeling of alive. I worry that because my wife was my first that I was under that "alive" feeling for too long and maybe wasn't as in love as I thought.

This new woman of interest might be the same thing. However it is impossible to know.

Thanks for the advice!

Just a thought, but if you want to feel "alive" why don't you do little things with your wife. I.E. both of you two go to a bar separately and you flirt with her as if she's some random stranger. Meet up at a library and do the same thing. Go on dates that you two wouldn't usually do (concerts, book readings, a lunch at the park, yoga, etc...). Change up the route and monotony of married life.

Even on the exciting part, have sex in public places if that will make things exciting... back of the car, in a bathroom stall, closet, etc. find things to do together that are different and exciting together. Rekindle the marriage and your relationship. Just my two cents...

Yes parenting can change the dynamics of a relationship for sure, you learn to be mom and dad - sometimes we forget how to be who we were to each other before.

It's very personal to explore what is not working between you, something only you two can do. Have you explored what used to work? When did the two of you feel connected previously?

I am not married, but in a very long-term relationship, and I've had a couple of infatuations along the way. I know how it can feel like you're under a spell. It can even feel like you are truly in love. Being with one person year after year can get dull. Along comes someone who just floats your boat like you've never experienced before. I've been there. In my case, it was someone I saw at work. We flirted like crazy for a while, and then called it quits after he transferred out of town. Nothing really happened, but for a while I thought I would give up anything for this guy. I thought he was the most magnetic human being I'ld ever met. Then he moved away, and he ended it. A few years ago, I looked him up on line and found out he had died. Reading that was like reading a weather report. What I had thought was love was really only strong chemistry. Over time it faded away to nothing. I'm still with my sig. other and very glad I am.

So I'll be the last one to be judgemental. You can't really help how you feel. However, don't let feelings dictate your decisions. Feelings can be transient, no matter how intense they seem in the moment.

All long-term relationships have periods of seeming like all the magic is gone and even can become hostile for a period. But I've seen couples ride that out and end up so glad they did.

Think of what you owe your children. You made a commitment, and this doesn't sound like a big enough reason to walk out on it. A new relationship might feel fantastic, but that would be temporary. The Honeymoon period only lasts so long. Ask Brad Pitt.

Work on your marriage. It sounds like your wife and you can talk about difficult things. Let her know that you want to make things better and offer to do something specific toward that end.

Don't go telling your wife that you have "feelings" for someone else. Some things are best kept to yourself. You can acknowledge the feelings in your own heart, but realize they are based partly on fantasy and not really knowing someone. Think of something nice you, your wife and the girls could do as a family. Go somewhere and stay in a hotel. Explore something new together. Get a change from looking at the same walls every day. Make some special memories. Get creative and think up some ways to get out of the usual routine.

Well i'll be honest. I was never the most outgoing person, rarely dated, lacked self-confidence, etc. She asked me out. I was excited that I was finally going to date a girl, which eventually turned into living with me, etc. For someone like me back then, it felt like I need to do everything I can to keep her otherwise I will never have anybody (as it had been so long).

Over the years my self-worth has gotten better. I excel at my job, I do well with kids, etc. There have been things we disagree with in terms of parenting, lifestyle (I feel she is a bit unmotivated compared to me). Although this woman that came into my life is newer, i've been feeling a little unsure about our marriage for a little while. In other words, the mixed feelings about the marriage were well before this new woman came around.

Thank you for the reply!

Thanks for the honesty and understanding. This is really uncharted territory for me as I have never felt this way before. There have been attractive women that I have met at work, outside of work, etc. I have never once felt as strongly as I do now for this one so i've been very confused to say the least.

I haven't told my wife but we've discussed the marriage for sure. The kids though as you said are the #1 in all of this and I need to try and rotate my thoughts towards that. I know i'm being selfish looking out for my happiness and although my brain is telling me that this new woman would be a great fit...there are no guarantees of that either. I just can't help the wondering though (i.e. what if she is great).

I'm actively going through something similar, but my situation is a bit more complicated (you can read my post about it if you want). Like you, I haven't been interested in anyone other than my spouse since I met him, until now. I can completely relate to your confusion because I feel the same way right now... I feel so guilty for thinking these thoughts because I feel like I'm betraying my husband, but on the other hand this has called into question whether or not I'm actually happy with him... It's a tough situation, for sure.

And it's funny..because I just thought..if my crazy infatuation hadn't happened then I wouldn't have my two youngest I have now..it's like I was meant to have those two kids...it's weird...or maybe I think weird

Here's another point. Let's say this woman is really special. Now I'm going to put this bluntly. Why would a really wonderful woman who would be a great catch want a guy who's already been married and has two kids, when a fox like that could get a guy without all that baggage?

But - just for the sake of argument - let's say this woman is really into you and would like a relationship. So you two spend some time together. Then you say, "I want you so much, I'ld be willing to dump my family to be with you." So let's imagine she responds with, "It really sucks that your wife and kids have to be hurt, but what we feel for each other is so rare and we're soulmates . . . so, yeah, I think you should talk to your wife about dissolving your marriage." What kind of character would a woman have to have to think that way?

Show me a woman who would encourage a man to dump his wife and two young kids to be with her, and I'll show you a woman who is a douche and/or a moron.

I know I promised not to be judgemental. What I'm saying is that, if this woman is as special as you think she is, then she would be horrified at you leaving your family for her. On the other hand, if she would be okay with that, then she ain't too special and she's not a woman who would be a good catch for any man.

A really nice woman would, usually, be totally creeped out by a married father of two children putting the moves on her. By coming on to her, you might end up arousing her disgust.

Just something to think about.

I agree with Rose. If you really think it's over with your wife then end the marriage if that's what you feel is right.

Then you can look at another relationship.

If you initiate with this other woman now she may well react negatively due to the fact you're married. Even if she reacted positively this would leave you all in a very messy situation. In any divorce proceding your wife could use this behaviour against you.

I personally would be wary of thinking a new relationship will make you happy. I suspect much of your discontent is with yourself, it often is, are you midlife by any chance?

Thanks all for the help and see your points that I shouldn't do anything until we figure this out. I did want to mention that the other woman knows I am married. She is also a mother but is single. I don't know the situation (i.e. divorced, never married, etc) but I do believe she would understand of all people what a non-traditional household would be like.

I'm 34 - perhaps this is some sort of crisis. I am just surprised this is happening now and with this person despite the marriage not being on great terms before this new woman. My mind is working so strangely right now.

Thanks!

I have a good friend, have known her since we were toddlers ourselves. She was pregnant and married young and not too long ago, three kids later all teens, she realized er um well...the spark was gone. She did remarry shortly after. Was late 30s at that point. They seem happy. But it was also hard, socially. The divorce and everything.

My divorce was struggling enough as it was despite having domestic abuses, battery, etc. Socially....difficult.

So you haven't even taken this woman on a single date, but you already envision her living with you in a "non-traditional household."

Here's another angle to consider. Dating the married father of two children attending school where she teaches might jeopardize her job.

And here's another angle. A divorced man who has to pay child support on two kids is not exactly a great catch, financially speaking, unless he makes a really large amount of money. If this woman is smart enough to be a teacher, she's smart enough to be aware of considerations like that.

You have to have a realistic conception of your "market value" in the dating marketplace, if you want to know what, realistically, has the potential to happen.

Here's another thing. You won't just lose being around your girls full-time. If you end a marriage that your wife doesn't want ended (especially if it's so you can be with another woman,) you can be sure your wife will raise those girls to regard you as a heel. Your not very exciting life might end up rather lonely.

reality: you need to realize that this is a "green grass" situation. Ask yourself if it's something new you are looking for - again what you're missing in your relationship now. The fact is that you see this other woman, it may or may not work out and it's entirely a fantasy at this point. You can choose to find out if it will work out without any guarantees, but only after you decide to leave the relationship you're in. Really not an option to test the waters beforehand.

NO. Not IF you hit it off. ONLY WHEN you end your current relationship should you even pursue another. YOU CANNOT have your cake and eat it too by finding out if you will hit it off first. that is actually really cheating even if you didn't hit it off because your intent would be to find out if this woman could be your mate. would you want your wife "checking into" other guys to see if they would be worth pursuing while you're still married?

Considering whether it's worth pursuing is jumping ahead. You're only going to cause more distress in yourself and dissatisfaction. Back up. Back up and look at your marriage and nothing else first. If at that point you see no future in it then break it off... but you may find what it is you're missing there and doesn't your current wife deserve to have the chance to be the one to fulfill that first?

You don't speak badly of your wife so I imagine she's not done anything to anger or disappoint you in such a way that would make you seek other women vengefully or in spite of her. I see a person who is looking for something and for whatever reason you aren't looking to your wife to give you what you need.

Seems like what happens in a lot of marriages. Many people, indeed way too many, expect the emotional highs of new romance to continue. Emotions ebb and flow in relationships and marriage is about accepting that it's not always a bed of roses but there are seasons and the winter of marriage is always hard. Trust me, even if you left this one, found a new woman, married her and stuck around for years, the same cooling of fires will come.

You just need to decide if you want to stay through the winter with your wife that you are with now.