Why do guys keep doing this?

Dinner dates at the the start of a romance feel more like job interviews to me.

Find a mutual interest and do that for the date(s).

sporting event, museum, concert or simply going for a walk.

And pay your fair share

I remember my first date with my husband. I paid for all my stuff, he paid for all his. We went out for lunch and talked politics. That was the year Kerry was running against Bush. I wanted to make sure we had the same way of thinking and agreed on most things. I was tired of bull crapping around. He took me to see the incredibles after lunch and I love pixar movies. It was a good date and he texted the next day.

I had been on so many dates before. Had 4 relationships before my husband. It takes a while to find the right one.

Are you wearing makeup on your dates? I know my husband likes when I wear makeup. There's a bunch of makeup tutorials on youtube that are pretty good. Good eye makeup is key. Makes them look at your eyes more. I can give you some links to tutorials if you want. I tried a few and man, the makeup looks amazing.

How are you wearing your hair? It's important to wear it away from your face but not in a ponytail. A head band would be ok.

Good luck!

I have to say I understand your pain. I had given up on online dating for a long time. I remember being in the same place as you, so I sympathize. A lot of people have made great suggestions, but I think it all comes down to YOU.

I know you want to meet someone, but why not take a break from it for a while? I mean I don't want to offend, because I am a bigger girl too, but why not try and improve your self-esteem some. You say that guys don't approach you in real life, so why not do something about it? Do something to make yourself feel better, what I am saying is focus more on YOU rather than THEM.

Also, I know you're younger, and you say the younger generation only texts, well that's what's wrong. You never hear a voice and you never know what you're walking into. Not establishing some sort of connection before meeting can lead to general awkwardness.

That's just my two cents though, I really think you ought to work on yourself and find some kind of job and opportunity to occupy your time than run around all over the place trying to find a guy. It's nice yes, but it does get tiring. I am not saying give up, just take a step back for a while.

Give yourself a break! God only knows you deserve one.

I'm direct. I'm not politically correct. Most guys don't like big girls. They just don't. I experienced this myself after gaining 30 pounds from taking Seroquel. I didn't get the stares, the come-ons, the whistles the texts. It was weird. Ok so I joined a gym. Have I been yet Nope. But I'm tired of not having the draw to choose from. Beauty is power. Like it or not, it's true. The sucky thing is getting old or fat but at least the fat thing is something I can change.

I haven't Dated in many years , I did recently have a relationship at work that I had thought was going some where but I totally blew it, or at least I think I did. in any case don't do what I did I texted way to much that was because I closed myself off for some many years and then to have the attention of a great looking smart professional woman and because I was a 54 yr lonely haven't been in a relationship for over 18 yrs guy. I paid for it with my total inexperience . I guess what I am trying to say is this make sure you know what you are looking for and don't give up . also like others have suggested just do the Coffee thing that way you can get allot of awkwardness out of the coffee date . there is allot you can learn from someone in just a few minutes of sitting across from them in easy environment.

*sigh*

If you're getting the first date and then things seem to fizzle, it has to be something they discovered during the date that they didn't care for.

Generally it would be something about your appearance (are they fully aware of any possible weight issues?) or something about your circumstances that isn't going to work for them (are you very clear you do not drive, live with parents, work only part time).

It's one of those two.

So you're saying guys are put off by my appearance? How shallow. Why are guys so shallow?

I am not sure what your dating profile pictures look like, but do they hide your excess weight? If that's the case, meeting you in person may be a bit of a shock. It is very easy these days for bigger people to take pictures of themselves at good angles that hide their weight.

Also, it's not necessarily shallow to not be physically attracted to bigger people. It's all about preferences. If your pictures are camouflaging the weight, I'd suggest putting something up that shows your whole profile, not just your face, so that these guys are aware of what you genuinely look like. There will be no surprises, and you'll know that the guys you go on dates with are totally fine with your size.

I have nothing but flattering pictures on my profile because that's what I was told to do. Show only flattering pictures until you meet them in person. Also, my weight isn't excessive, or a problem. It's who I am. I'm beautiful.

I've also noticed you making some sweeping generalizations about men. This isn't a healthy way of looking at things, and I HOPE you don't mention how you think all guys are shallow on your dates. It can certainly be off-putting.

No, of course I don't mention this sort of stuff on my dates.

Such a quick reply! I'm not saying that your weight is a problem necessarily. When you say you are a bigger girl, I'm not sure exactly what you mean. I am just saying that if you put up pictures that hide your weight and make you look much thinner, it could take them by surprise. Perhaps if they had known what your size was, they wouldn't have said yes to the date.

It's great that you have such a positive self-image. I wish I had that. However, not everyone has the same view as you and may not be physically attracted to that. By putting up a picture that shows your full body, you'll know that those who arrange to go on dates with you are aware that you are bigger, and have no problem with it! It might help to eliminate some potentially fruitless dates. Just a thought.

Why wouldn't they have said yes? The guys I've been talking to and I all have a ton in common. If they think weight is such an issue than they are shallow and I want nothing to do with them. Big is beautiful.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there are various tastes out there. Some people absolutely LOVE bigger women, some prefer the athletic type, or the slender build. There is nothing wrong with different tastes and not being attracted to certain body types. I think you are missing my point.

By putting a full body picture of yourself up, you are showing yourself 100% honestly. The messages you receive will be from people who you know are interested in your physical appearance, rather than putting up a flattering selfie that hides your body type and takes them by surprise. Maybe posting the pictures you have on your dating profile would be helpful.

You seem to be a bit defensive in your replies. Have I struck a nerve, perhaps? Big may be beautiful to you, but not to everyone. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Honestly, if guys are so caught up in how I look, that they are caught by surprise by my size, then they are not the guys I want to associate with.

Here are the pictures I have on my profile.

??? I didn't say that at all. I said THEY ARE DISCOVERING SOMETHING ABOUT YOU that they didn't know PRIOR TO THE DATE and it is off-putting to them.

So, it is either your pictures don't accurately reflect your appearance and/or weight OR

Your circumstances (employment, transportation, living situation) are not to their liking. Are you telling them you aren't employed full time, don't drive and live with your parents prior to meeting?

Edit - I see your pictures. They are fine, unless you're describing yourself as thin or athletic the men shouldn't be surprised if you're a little "fluffy" Now if your body is very large, that is probably putting someone off. But the facial pics read "slightly overweight" to me and as long as that's how you're describing yourself all is good on your end.

Telling them about my circumstances is first date stuff. I'm not about to drop that bombshell on them right away.

EDIT: I am describing myself as my ex therapist said to, "About average".

I think you miss my point. You can avoid these so called "shallow" guys by posting a full body picture of yourself. If they don't like what they see, then they won't message you and you won't need to waste your time on a date that goes nowhere!

And with online dating, the pictures that you post are definitely a big part of it. These are the first images that a potential partner is seeing of you, so yes, looks are important.

I agree with scaredandconfused. A full length body picture is necessary. Men are VERY FUNNY about weight on a woman and you will immediately weed out those by putting a body picture on your profile. Your therapist is misguiding you by telling you to describe yourself as "average" on online dating profiles.

EDIT: So you must agree that your life circumstances aren't too positive if you're not discussing them until the first date. This also is a reason you may not hear again from people.

Put it all out there - before you meet. Then you know all is good before you meet them.

I am only going to show them the most flattering pics I can until we meet in person. That's how it works.

I wouldn't categorize yourself as "about average", to be honest. If there is an option of overweight or "more to love" as some sites do, that would be more accurate. The second picture you posted definitely shows that you are carrying some extra weight. I'd like to clarify that there is NOTHING wrong with this, but it might help to be more honest about it.

She is a trained and licensed therapist. I trust her.

Therapists are not professionally trained in the area of weight and body types, so I'm not sure why you're trusting her on that. I suggest checking out a BMI calculator. It's not the most accurate measurement, but it'll give you an approximation of what area you fit into. You will likely fall into the overweight or obese category, I'm not sure which. If you go to any doctor, they will probably tell you that you could stand to lose a few pounds. That is not what I would call an "about average" body type. I think it's time to be honest with yourself, and with potential partners.

BMIs are obsolete and inaccurate.