Why do guys keep doing this?

But trusting the word of a professional who isn't trained in the necessary field isn't inaccurate? Come on. I think it's time to face reality. You are a bigger girl, you say so yourself. Big is beautiful, right? So why is it such a big leap to put down that your body type is bigger, and not "about average"?

Frankly, the defensiveness I'm seeing right now would be a HUGE turn-off, and this is just over a forum! I hope that you are more civil in person. The title of this thread shows blame, and a lack of looking inward. The replies that I have typed are to offer a different perspective from your own. I was hoping that, as an adult, you would be able to take this perspective and at least chew on it for a while. However, I am seeing complete disregard and defensiveness. Maybe it isn't the guys you are dating, perhaps it is you.

I think you have answered your own question. The reason these guys are falling off after meeting you in person is because you are not being up-front and honest in your profile. No one is saying that you aren't datable. What we ARE saying is that you are wasting your time (and theirs) by intentionally hiding key facts about yourself. Since you describe yourself as big and beautiful in this thread, why not put that in your profile instead of average? Average is not accurate and is giving guys the wrong impression. If you are honest in your profile, then you will attract guys who are actually interested in YOU and like you for YOU! Why waste your time going on first dates with guys who aren't going to be interested once they find out more?

I've done my share of online dating and, personally, I HATE it when I find out someone has been fudging the truth in their profile. Since I've learned that a lot of people do it, I won't even agree to a date until I see a full body pic, know where they work, and know what degree they have. That doesn't make me shallow-- it means I am experienced enough to know who I would be comparable with (and what combinations I've tried and just didn't work with). Personally, I work out every day, I built a gym in my basement, and I eat mostly protein shakes, chicken, and vegetables. The things I enjoy doing on dates are rock climbing, hiking, and other athletic activities. Ive tried dating someone who wasn't in shape and it was a big issue-- we would have to prepare two different meals, she couldn't rock climb with me, with wanted to do indoor activities I didn't like, etc. Not everyone who has preferences is shallow-- they just know what they like in a partner and what wouldn't work. And sometimes, people just have random aesthetic preferences. I like brunettes. I'm blonde and I have nothing against other blondes-- it's just that I find long dark hair to be one of the sexiest things ever. Go figure. So i just wouldn't go on a date with someone with short blonde hair. Just not my thing. I'm sure you have your own preferences, too. There is a reason you click yes on some guys and not others. The more honest you are on your profile, the more likely you are to attract a guy who is going to be a great match. After all, wouldn't you rather find a great, lasting match than a bunch of sucky first dates?

Wait! I thought the point was that something's not working for you...hence, the thread. Maybe it doesn't work that way, after all...

So you have your answer. The solution would be to post a full-body picture so you are attracting the kind of men who are attracted to your shape and it doesn't become an issue on meeting them.

Of the two photos you showed us, I wouldn't use the second one at all. Your face, particularly your jawline, is not sufficiently illuminated in the second photo, making you appear heavier. The bright and direct illumination in the first photo (almost in excess) illustrates your chin and the contours of your face. The two photos almost look like different people.

The first photo is taken from a high, off-center angle which hides her excess weight. It's unrealistic. The second photo is more representative of what she looks like because it shows her face head-on. I would choose realistic photos so she will attract men who like her appreance and who will be genuinely interested in her.

The other big difference in the photos is the make-up. If the Op wears make-up every day, use a photo with make-up. If she doesn't usually wear-up, use photos without it. Do whatever is most representative of everyday life.

I agree with Lefty that the second picture is not flattering and that a better picture could be used, but I also agree with you that the second picture is also more honest and realistic. The first picture is deceiving in the sense that at that angle, you can't see the rest of the body and so seeing the OP for the first time may be a bit of a shock to potential dates.

Perhaps a more flattering head-on shot that combines realism and good lighting would be a good compromise?

My husband has excessive weight. He told me in a first phone conversation before we met. His picture didn't really show it. I appreciated he told me but I can't care less about weight or looks in general (as long as there is mutual attraction). I do think it's a polite thing to do though either have very clear full body pics or give some hints about looks that aren't shown on the picture

But I wouldn't under any circumstances date, let alone marry, a man who isn't independent and doesn't work full time (unless full time in school at the moment) because that would mean I have to support him.

My husband in fact has a disability, yet he has college degree and professional career and works his butt off. life is a struggle at times but he perceveres. So weight has never been an issue but lack of independence certainly would mean there would be no second date

I personally think perhaps that's the issue. Unless people in school, they work full time (or they are on disability). I think I would focus on fixing that first. People with disabilities (unless severe) still work.

I think it's actually very attractive when people accomplish things despite health issues or other adversaries

I think catching people by surprise is a bad idea and is deceiving.

Yes it's important to use flattering pictures but they have to be accurate and very recent representation of how one looks. It is unfair to expect people to get excited if their date doesn't look like her/his picture.

I was on a dating site for a little while and I think phone conversations prior to meeting are KEY. You can tell by a phone conversation if you "click" with someone.

I found in many of my phone conversations, I was talking over the person, or I thought the person did not "sound" right for me..and never went on that first meal date.

I disagree with the person who said not to do meal dates. I like meal dates as they are out in public...and yes the free meal..although I usually paid for myself unless a person insisted on paying.

I know that once I meet someone in person the "looks" of the person mostly define for me IF I want to go forward. Lets be honest there is a certain "look" you are looking for and visa versa.

If my "dates" made it past the phone call, then we met in person and it can go either way that way...he doesn't want to continue with you or you don't want to continue with him.

Always look for the red flags...if you are thinking you want to pursue another date with a person. Always ask a lot of questions. Like what was your favorite thing about your last relationship and what was the thing that did not work? What did you learn from that relationship and be prepared to answer the same questions.

I do know it is discouraging to not be called back but everything happens for a reason and it may keep happening until you find the "right" one.

Art, this is a waste of time.

How come you don't discuss your circumstances in conversations prior to meeting?

I can't imagine going on dates with people not knowing basic circumstances. Thars why you aren't getting second dates. You have to have phone conversations (it's hard to explain this stuff in texts) and discuss what you do for a living abd other basic things

It is not working though. That's why people give you suggestions.

people have different tastes. a good friend of mine even though he is 5'10" and weights about 160 Lbs he loves bigger woman. myself I am attracted to all sorts of woman but usually a little fit once I start talking to woman ( and for me it is very hard to do) it goes by interests I used to be security and drive exotic dancers and escorts so I have met all sorts of woman a fair amount of them were allot different because they had to put on an act and adjust to every situation differently. so the number one thing is to be honest with your self. and take lots and lots of pictures then chose the best out of them.

be straight forward as to what you want. another acquaintance of mine comes straight out and says he just wants sex and maybe it will turn into sex buddies. Myself I doubt that I could do that but I do credit him for being totally honest. just remember it is about you not them. for me it is tough to be that way .

I had varied dating experiences. There were several guys who never called me again. Who knows what was going on with them? Maybe it had nothing to do with me. With some, there was no chemistry, and that's that.

I agree with the gang that your photos are not accurate enough and you should add a full body shot. You can't really tell your body from those photos. The guys may be disappointed when they see you in person. Why waste their time and yours with that?

The bottom line is you are going to pair up with someone like you. You are who you are and the guy who is compatible with that will eventually find you. Will he be a prince?

Do you actually have MI? Have you been diagnosed? Are you telling them that you do? I'm just curious if that is even a factor.

You have a pretty face. You are intelligent.

But, honestly, you are 33, work only part time, live at home, don't have any friends (that is a red flag to a potential partner).

That being said, there are still plenty of men who are compatible with you. You just need to find those men.

Something really needs to change with you being more focused on improving your contribution to the world to grow and appeal to potential mates who are the movers and shakers.

I just took a course where they said "People only do what has something in it for them." So, when you have these dates, they are subconsciously thinking what's in it for them to keep seeing you.

What do you offer them? What do you do for them? How can you sell yourself to appeal to them to want to be with you?

For me .. Back in my dating years .... I don't like blonde guys, never have never will. I don't like guys under 5'9 I like to wear heels. I don't like " skinny" men nor a 2 X dude , would not get involved with a guy that wasn't working and supporting themselves.

I was very honest about my looks , chat days , people would put up 10 year old pics , so I would say okay hold a coffee cup or water something I wanted to see in a pic so proof that profile pic and real life matched pretty close .

What did I have to offer ? I worked 3 jobs ( no time to waste going on a date with someone that wasn't even close to a match . No texting back then ...so maybe 2 calls just to chitchat them it was meet for coffee or moving right along . My available time to meet guys was also limited because if my daughter. ... I refused to let any man meet her unless I really felt there was a chance of a long term relationship.

I was/am indeed thin , dark long .. I would send a couple facial pics and some full length ... Here I am ! Many men asked if if go blonde LOL !! Hmm nope , moving right along ..

I was a single mom that had a busy life , I made time for people if they appealed to me.

So your not skinny that's fine. But you need to be upfront about how you look top to bottom , why waste time? Some men will like you some won't , that is life.

Don't assume everyone is going to be won over by personality right outta the gate. You current living and employment is going to be an issue for most men , unless they are wanting a stay at home mom deal , which is fine , it's just not for every one.

Maybe just quit the dating scene for a while and build up your self esteem.. It's taking a beating right now.

I think you are quite pretty! I dont see why your weight would be an issue. Its obvious from the photos that youre not Twiggy. More like Kim Kardashian!

I think its just a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better your chances. Also, maybe try widening your search area, or whats that site that asks all the questions that the old guy that looks like Jimmy Carter advertises?

As a guy, I don't get it either.
But from experiences I've heard of, guys do this when they're not interested, each to his own reasons. They are less likely to express rejection or will to end.
What I can suggest is you clarify both with yourself and the guy, what you are looking for in a relationship.

Arty (((hugs)))

I know I'm still single so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice, but I can tell you that when I used online dating sites, it was definitely a pick up zone. I used to say online dating was like window shopping...people like to look but they can't afford to buy.

So it's really not you, dear, it's the nature of the vehicle you are using to shop with.

The only thing that online dating ever got me was laid. (Which I was very grateful for.) My fiancee that I met online, we met through social media and my blog rather than through a dating site, and we were actually friends for 2 years before we met in person and then things became romantic. (Clarification, we broke it off eventually for a variety of reasons.)

I know it is possible to meet people who are interested in serious relationships online, I do think that maybe it takes a longer though. I also do think that, maybe, and forgive me because this is not meant unkindly but only as a way to give you perspective, the fact that you only work part-time and live with your family still may raise some flags for a good portion of guys. Most guys I know are looking for independent women who control their own lives. That's not saying there's anything wrong with your living or work situation, just saying that some people will judge it a certain way.

Keep kissing those frogs, and remember to also focus on your own self-improvement so that you don't get bored in the meantime. (You've come so far already!)

Good luck,
seesaw

Are you taking up all offers, or are you selectively accepting some and rejecting others. It's good to be selective. However, maybe you're picking guys on the wrong basis.

Another caveat: Some guys feel, if they buy you a meal, you owe them sex. I woukdn't mind being passed over by those types

Well then. I'm screwed.

You have a beautiful face and I really love your red hair. It is important to get a "win" in your life. Exercise, continue to apply for jobs, dress nice, etc. Seesaw is right that confidence really is attractive. When I'm depressed I am not as outgoing and don't have as much to say. Back when I was single, when I was euphoric, I just tended to flirt more and talk to a lot of guys. It was actually a dangerous thing when I drank to much. But I am really just saying that when you are happy about yourself because you have goals and are reaching for them, it makes a big difference so THINK POSITIVE about yourself!!

How do you conclude that you are screwed? I
Think all suggestions were very reasonable and doable? Nothing indicated you being screwed

Let's not be so politically correct... is there an excellent reason for this? Otherwise, why are you an intelligent, able-bodied adult only working part time and living with your mother and alcohol abusing brother? This does not look good to a potential partner.

You are not screwed. You can get what you want. You need to focus on what it is that you want and then you need to be the person who can achieve it.

You have made great strides already in a lot of areas. Now it is just a moving forward process...part two.

My h married me because I was to be his life partner, have his children, cook and clean for him, give him sex, I gave him joy, made him laugh. He says what he instantly loved about me was I got his humor. I was his assistant, literally, taking care of everything in our lives and even doing his books for him in his business, while he just focused on working his very stressful job.

That's why I ask what are you going to do for them? I did everything because he had a high earning career. I saw his lack of organization when we first started dating. He had stacks of bills strewn all over the table. I simply started organizing his life, taking care of him, before I knew it, we were getting hitched!

If you find a guy who also works part time and lives at home. How can the both of you work together? If you find a guy who can support you, what are you going to do all day?

Plus, I was a full time college student, then I was a full time retail employee/manager for my parents' store in a mall. Why on Earth would I have not been working full time? My h was actually impressed when we met, I gave him my business card. I looked very professional, and dressed it, too. I looked like I had it going on...did I really? Hell No! Still don't! But it is all an illusion, darling...

I agree with Tisha. Saying that I do understand that having mental illness/other health issues makes working full time challenging.

But I can attest you (because that is what I do for a living) people with every kind of disability still work full time.

Now certainly there are type of disabilities that make full time job or any job impossible, then these people are on disability. Have you applied for disabity? If not, then working full time is a must.

You can also obtain vocational training/education/certification inexpensive or free. Of course not everyone is going to get PhD but there are plenty of other options according to ones ability.

my nephew just got married, when they started dating she was living at home and only working part time because she was full time university student. That is s valid reason for not working full time and living at home plus she was in her early 20s not 30s

If guys ask you why you only work part time and live at home one thing is to say: I am in school/trade school/online school/vocational training/college or I am on disability and my health doesn't allow me to work full time. But between my disability check and part time job I manage.

But that's very different when you don't have a valid reason why you don't work sufficient hours at your age.

Do you think you can make changes in those areas? At least try? I think you can do it. You are very smart

Hey artchick, could you describe your ideal man?