[sidony]

Sometimes I think nostalgia is a disease. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed and hurt by it.

This past weekend I was visiting my hometown (far away), saw some old friends, saw my parents, saw my old school, etc. And I could barely keep from crying. Not over anything sad, but over happy memories, good times I'd had. Remembering past joys is sometimes so hurtful to me that I don't know how I'll survive the passage of time. Noticing that my old friend's daughter is a teenager, that my father seems old and frail, that my old university is crowded with new buildings, all these things bring me so much pain. I'm afraid I'll have to move from place to place throughout my life because after some years they all become so haunted with past memories for me. I choke when I see them. Why can't I say "hey this was a fun place where we had some good times?" Instead I just cry.

I'm only 36 (37 this weekend). If I'm this nostalgic now, what on earth will I be like when I'm 70?! I don't know how I'll survive anything. Even reading one of the old books I'd read as a child again (something I was doing while I was at home) made me want to cry.

Do other people feel this way?

I don't seem to dwell on anything sad though. It's the happy memories that hurt me. Go figure.

Sidony

[Perna]

I use to feel that way. For me it had to do with not being in the moment/looking forward. I went to my 30th high school reunion in 1998 and I can't tell you how painful it was! The students for that high school came from my first 2 elementary schools (I moved in 4th grade (1959) and came back in 11th (1966)), my first where I lived with my father and brothers when my mother died (1953-1955) and then the second where "we" got married to my stepmother (1955-1959). I was miserable in that high school (1966-1968), had few friends but one of my two best friends from when I was 5-8 years old (1955-1959) was at the reunion and I'd brought photographs from 1st (1955/56) and 3rd (1958/59) grade and she knew/remembered everyone in them and dragged me around and introduced me to people who were there; she and I hadn't seen/talk to each other in high school (much less any of those other kids from the photographs)! I was at the reunion with one of my two best friends from high school and the reunion took place at a hotel in the same "neighborhood" I lived in in my 20's (the worst/hardest period of my life, 1973-1985) of course :-) but was in the hotel where my father and stepmother use to go dancing (1956-1957) and I can still picture my stepmother all dressed up and their going out, etc. As you can see, I felt like I had whiplash :-) Of course, my T was away for six weeks during the reunion so I had to "contain" all that myself. Ugh!

It's hard to learn to face forward so the past stays in the past and just seems a "curiosity" that's occasionally fun to share with others.

[sidony]

Wow that's intense. I think I would have fallen to pieces at that reunion. It's so hard looking backward. I think you're right about facing forward though. I'm having a difficult time looking forward into the future because there are so many uncertainties for me right now (lost my job, finally fully realized the end of a long-term relationship, etc.). I'm definitely sadder than usual. So maybe my worries about the future are manifesting themselves into more nostalgia than usual. I look back at times when I was more into the moment. I hope I can feel that way again. I cried and cried when I left my parents this weekend to come back to where I live now. And it's not like I even want to move back to my hometown -- I'd be so haunted and sad there. It's just that the present seems so hopeless sometimes.

Thanks for sharing some of your history.

Sidony

[sunrise]

sidony, I wonder if things are so difficult in your present life, that it seems painful to look back and see how "happy" things were back then (you said you tended to dwell on the happy stuff from the past)? I think that is an understandable feeling if you are going through hard times now. Maybe when you are back on your feet in the present, the happy past will not seem so painful.

I don't feel much nostalgia, maybe just for simpler times, when there weren't so many considerations about kids, divorce, career, etc. Life was simpler when I was young and single, and had only myself to worry about, so I can look back on those times longingly (even though they were't actually that happy).

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It's just that the present seems so hopeless sometimes.

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hopelessness = key feature of depression. Please take care of yourself, sidony.

[spal]

I think that given your changing circumstances (lost job, relationship, etc.) it's only normal that you would feel sad going back to your old stomping ground to discover that the only thing constant in life is change. For human beings, it's about getting older and eventually dying. And who wants that? We'd all like to stay young and healthy and keep our loved ones with us always. However, we cannot stop the decline of the body and of new things happening and people leaving. Your present circumstances are making you more sensitive to the change that you have seen in your hometown. I wouldn't get so down on yourself for it. It's seems like a normal human reaction to what is a really sad part about life.

However, you have to deal with what is going on now. You say that the present seems hopeless and that you are fearful about the future. Well, if the present is fearful and the future is fearful and the past is making me sad, I'd be feeling hopeless, too! There is only one thing that you can control and that is yourself and what you will do today. Everything else will unfold as it will. Just think about what you want to do today and it may take some of the pressure off.

[Perna]

Oh, I use to cry everytime I'd leave my parents' house to go home after coming for dinner, an hour from where I was living in an efficiency apartment in the City when I was in my 20s!

My T use to make comments saying it had to do with the past being "secure" since you know how that turned out. When the present/future is uncertain or frightening or not very good, the past stories, you can tell each one, start to finish; it's like reading a fairy tale, Cinderella :-) and crying over the good and bad parts of that.

I use to feel stuck and like I only had my past. So there was some unhappiness/disappointment like when you finish a good book, you can't stay there anymore or make the present like it, etc.

It became a good place for me to make friends with myself? Instead of feeling bad that you're crying and thinking so much of the past; understanding how comforting it could be and that there's really nothing "wrong" with it, that it actually could be helping you cope with harder things at the moment, etc. and feeling "grateful" to yourself for thinking of such a creative way to be okay -- start up a little conversation between the "two" of you :-) Comfort the cryer and tell her you'll do your best to make her present and future have good memories too and ask her what parts of some particular memories are her favorites and why, etc. You can learn more about yourself while you comfort yourself and begin to feel a little better. If you like being at your parents because of the color of the walls of your childhood room, for example, go "find" that color in an object and keep it around you to remind you how much you enjoy that color or paint something that color. If there's an object in your childhood room you think of, get it -- a stuffed animal or piece of clothing, etc. Name a pet after your high school mascot :-) Whatever thoughts and memories make you feel good, that's what they're for. I named my kitten after my great grandmother whom I never met but feel an attraction to, it helps me feel grounded.

[sidony]

Thanks for the support you guys. It definitely helps and I'll think about what you all have said.

I go to therapy later this afternoon so that should help some too. I don't like the weight of sadness.

Thanks all,
Sidony

Sid are you doing two sessions per week? I know you usually go on Tuesdays.

If it helps any, I cry when I look at pictures of father and I taken when I was little girl. My father is alive and well. Yet I still cry when I look at this pictures.

I sometimes cry when I read cards and notes that my husband and I gave each other when we 1st started dating, when everything was simple and perfect.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Similarly to how I have trouble holding onto the good moments between me and T during the week, I have trouble holding onto the past as a thing of comfort or happiness. It makes me sad.

[sidony]

Hey Pinksoil,

I only went on Thursday this week because I was out of town visiting family on Tuesday. Therapy helped a lot. And now I'm closer to the next therapy session since it's only on Tuesday. Group's on Monday too though it might move (as in permanently) to Tuesdays. If it does, I'll try to move individual to later in the week. I think it would help me to space them out some since one will always be close. I wish I could see T by himself twice a week, but I guess this is the next best thing (and of course it's what he wants me to do -- and sometimes it is helpful).

Maybe I'll be able to talk about the nostalgia some in group. That could help. Last time I was there one member was really pressuring me to talk more about myself. And you know, I kinda liked it. Go figure.

Group was canceled this past week while I was away. I'm happy about that since it means I didn't miss anything.

I cry when I see old cards from my parents, from my ex-boyfriends, etc. It's all sad to me. I hope that if I can improve the present it'll stop feeling so sad. Or maybe it's just that when the present's good it's all I think about. The past may always be a background of sadness, but I won't always think about it.

Thanks, Sidony