Why do married men chat online with single women?

I have known Mike (not his real name) for a very long time. At one time he and his wife and me and my husband - we were a foursome and did stuff together. I ended up divorced and so did Mike. After many years he wrote to me from another country where he had remarried. At first it was just informal superficial stuff...telling me about his new partner...exchanged addresses so we could be on our respective Christmas lists. We became Facebook friends, too.

But I began to notice a pattern. Once or twice a year his wife Betty (not her real name) would take off to visit one or another of her adult children. Within one or two days of her absence he would begin emailing me. I still thought it was like so much chitchat.

However, the emails got more personal. He became more involved with things going on in my life and is constantly giving me advice. He also had asked for my phone number years earlier...and when his wife is gone sometimes he would call me...a transatlantic call.

Recently he emailed me that his wife would be gone a month to visit her children. He started to say it was too bad I did not have travel money as it would be fun to have me visit (in present time - while his wife was away) and he outlined things he would show me in his country.

All innocent. However, I think...maybe not so much. I am a person who is at this time very vulnerable, very lonely, in crisis over being unemployed and broke.

So why would he talk about some fantasy visit? Also, does he imagine I would actually visit him while his wife is gone?

I think this is kind of like emotional cheating. I feel...this sounds really weird...but almost kind of "dirty" like I am doing something wrong.

This has happened to me several times on various community forums. Men who do not initially say they have a significant other (they act single) will start emailing me a lot...like daily...and even being kind of flirty. Eventually they say they have a partner or are married...and when I bring it up that flirting is inappropriate they would either apologize and never contact me again...or get really nasty...and cut me off.

Mike happens to be someone I knew in real life...but since I don't have the money to visit Mike and Betty this has become kind of an online thing. I never met Betty but we have emailed back and forth a bit and once when he called me he put Betty on the line and we talked for a long time. She's a great person from what I can tell.

I know there are those on this site who believe opposite sex relationships are fine. I guess I thought so too.

I don't feel like I can email Mike how I am feeling. He wouldn't "get it." He would think I am over-reacting. But I think it is weird he calls or emails me the day after Betty goes out of town. Sometimes my emails to him will go unanswered for months and then suddenly he is there - alone - telling me he "got around" to reading my email because Betty was gone and he had more time.

I will probably just fade him.

I have tried to do this before but after several months he starts leaving messages on Facebook for me, asking where I am and if I am okay, and he will also send emails to same effect. I never made him my designated protector or anything and I don't ask him for advice.

If I were married or had a significant other I don't think I would like him having an online friend. When I was married my then husband and I had opposite sex friends but to be honest it was always, always, always weird because sometimes the other people, if single, would develop "feelings" and it would always get uncomfortable.

Fading him sounds great to me. I think he sounds weird too. Can't he email his wife when she is gone?? I wonder what would happen if you just stopped talking to him when he emails you. It might feel pretty good. I have been in vulnerable places in my life too. Like I just accept anybody as a "friend.". You can do better and deserve better.

Well, this is just something I have become aware of. Something married men do online. In real life I don't have anything like this going on. I don't have opposite sex married men friends in real life. My one opposite sex friend is gay and about 20 years older than me. I don't see him often. He's very funny and makes me laugh. But I really don't have many friends.

Yeah, thanks for the advice. I guess I will fade this guy. I think he should know what he is doing is kind of fishy...but maybe not. Truth be told he flirted with me in real life decades ago when we were both married. Some guys are just...emotional cheats, kind of. I guess.

Thanks. I think you have me good advice.

I think you are seeing it correctly for what it is. He's bored without his wife there, so he's reaching out to you. He would cheat with you, if you let him.

I'm of the mindset to not burn bridges, so I just wouldn't encourage him by flirting back, but keep the occasional contact. He and his wife may be able to help you in some way.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, of course. I think issues like this are not black and white.

I NEVER flirt with him. Ever. He is one of those kind of men who likes women. I don't know...when I was younger this didn't bother me but now that I am older I hate it in married men. It strikes me as crude.

I think your advice is good. I will just fade for now. He happens to live in a fantastic country I would love to visit...so yeah, maybe in the future I'd visit him and Betty.

The internet is making guys (gals, too, idk) get downright creepy. Like this...

You can create "distance" by not replying to his e-mail messages quickly upon receipt (don't know if you are)... anything like chat or Skype wouldn't help change the dynamics because it's in "real time." If he calls you on the phone, screen your calls. Call back on another day. Same with E-mail. You're more in control.

I would only do communication that is not in "real time." You are setting a safe boundary for yourself that way. He's stomping on your boundaries so put that in place, IMO.

He seeks immediate gratification and he thinks he may be able to get that from you. Be friends via e-mail or screened calls. Just don't flirt back...he may liken it as a "pursuit" and that could encourage him. Talk as if his wife is listening in, think of it that way.

I think you can diffuse the situation significantly by doing the above. If he still carries on flirting:

When you talk to him....you can get the message across clearly and without drama. For example, say his wife goes out of town again and he suggests you visit him. Being his friend, you could say, "You sound lonely, are you doing ok? By the way, tell me how your wife is these days. I'd love to meet her in person, so if I was financially able to afford to visit...I'd like to come when you are both home."

He will get the message right there. You won't have to "call him out" or embarrass him. I think it might be worth continuing the friendship as people make mistakes and past times he has been a good friend. Keep the boundaries up, though. It's healthy for you, especially since you have men flirting with you online a lot. (You might want to instill boundaries in that regard, as you said you feel vulnerable.)

If he still presses you - I would end the friendship...directly or fade him out. Whatever works for you. He'd really be trying to use you if he kept the one-way flirting and encouraging the "wife's away" invitations.

I hope that helps. Don't stress too much. I've read one of your posts and you're going through hard times. This isn't something you've done wrong and you handle it however you like. And that could be to do nothing for now...or ever. He will move on or he will work on his own issues with his marriage and stop his current behavior.

I agree he's being inappropriate - his wife would likely be unhappy if she knew what he is doing (flirting, asking you to visit him while his wife is gone). Being that you like him (as a friend) and liked communicating with his wife,

Thank you so much. This was really thoughtful advice. I liked how you looked at all sides.

Mike is basically a good guy but a bit of a narcissist. That's why I don't want to "call him out" as he could get all offended and mean about it. And as you noted I am having enough trouble in my life.

I think it is just as you stated. His wife is away and he's lonely. He isn't really stopping to think how this might affect me. That is...all his flirting. I have NEVER EVER EVER flirted with him. I think he is a nice person but he has always been married since I have known him and I NEVER EVER EVER flirt with married men. It was a rule I made for myself when I was about 19 years old and I never broke it. Frankly I just find it kind offensive and crude when married men act single. Not that it should matter but I don't find Mike attractive in that way. I met him when he was part of a couple (as I was) and then again later he was part of a couple. That is why it distresses me when he goes out of the boundaries.

All my emails can be read by is wife Betty. In fact I always send her greetings in my emails. Sometimes Mike even prints out my emails so it is easy for Betty to read. I like to talk to them about cultural things going on in my country because they live abroad. I talk about politics etc. I even talked about April the pregnant giraffe.

This is just a case where I feel kind of like...my boundaries get invaded.

About the OTHER MEN I talked about. I specifically said that some men come online and act like they are single and start private messaging me and flirting. They don't reveal that they have a partner or significant other until much later on. So in this instance if I am being flirty it is because I think it is with a single man.

Some of you out there might have experienced this on dating sites. I have. Men are still married when they go on these sites. They list their status as single when they are married but separated, or in some cases still married and living with their spouse.

In this case I am not going to write Mike about how I don't like this. I am just going to fade him out for now. Sometimes I don't hear from him for 6 months or even almost a year but then he always comes back. I think I am just going to keep my emails short and more formal. I might even address them to "Mike and Betty" all the time, which I think would be appropriate.

For now I have so much stress in my life I really can't deal with Mike. He would like me to tell him all about my personal life but then I think it gets into my giving him too much information. Damn. I just wish married men would email their wives and no one else when the wives are away.

I'm glad I helped you. You deserve better.

If you truly think he's a narcissist, I would go "no contact." No drama, block him. Don't look back.

I have read more of your posts, you are familiar with the behaviors of a narcissist perhaps - don't initiate conflict, you're right. It does not go well. They can never be "wrong" so you lose every time. You understand and I'm sorry for what you went through.

I was married to a malignant narcissist for 18 years. It was hell, but I escaped.
I had no idea I had married a narcissist. The gaslighting started up and continued harsh, emotional abuse escalated severely. It was always my fault, etc.

I got wise, got strong, and I divorced him. It was STRESSFUL. He was so furious he was no longer in control of me. I literally left with the shirt on my back, car keys in hand, with a safe destination pre-planned. He is a miserable man inside. I kind of pity him. I should hate him, but it's not worth it. I got therapy instead for me.

I have no regrets and my self-esteem returned. I've since been deeply in love with a fantastic man that treats me like a queen and loves me unconditionally...been together ten years now. He is faithful to me (as I am to him), we meet each other's needs and are more strongly bonded than ever. He protects me, too. My ex never did, nor defend me.

I hope that did not stray from your topic. If you think he is a narcissist, I want to amend my advice and I think you should fade him now. I apologize for two sets of advice, lol. Better safe than sorry. No contact is the way to go.

You are worthy of healthy relationships. You sound intelligent and intuitive. Give yourself credit for that and surround yourself with people that respect and truly care for you. xo

I must say this advice was spot on. And thank you for sharing. Yes, I do know what a narcissist is. I seem to be unable to keep them at bay. Within the last 5 years I went through the worst experience of my life with a narcissist who become emotionally and physically abusive and also who stalked me. I moved to feel safe. But that's why I hate where I live...because I took an apartment in a building that is like a fortress and a prison! I don't talk about the abuse, stalking, threats, damage to property etc. I did an online course on recovering from narcissist abuse. I was also married to a man who was a narcissist but more the altruistic type. Which means he looks spotless from the outside. Very successful. He was emotionally abusive -- such things as invalidating me, demeaning me, and finally divorcing me because I had "too many problems," after a 20 year marriage. He married a younger woman from another country he met online and who he "courted" while we were still legally married. It has not been a clean break.

Now this is really getting into deep water. Yes, Mike is a narcissist. Sigh. I have tried to go "No Contact" with him as I have with family members. But somehow I keep letting them back in. Note I did not say they keep coming back in. I LET THEM BACK IN. Either I think I am not worthy of something better or I do not even believe my world will contain better. Unlike you I never met that lovely man. But maybe because I didn't make a clean break? I think on some level I am afraid of narcissists. My father was a raging narcissist. And when you have children with a narcissist it is really difficult to make a clean break. But you are spot on here.

That's why I don't want to confront Mike. I know his anger. He knows how to push buttons. I just don't want to deal with it. You are right. I will just try to push Mike away for now. I don't want to make a big No Contact deal because is is a bit stressful...but I will just block his emails. That's what I do. You know how narcs are. They go away and circle back.

Obviously I need to become mentally and physically strong. I am weak and a lot of bad stuff is happening because of it.

Thank you again. You are really reading between the lines! As narcissists are emotional vampires I feel like over and over again I get sucked dry. I also just don't believe there will be anything different for me out there. I guess I think the nice people simply do not get attracted to me.

I am pretty firm in this regard. It's a deal breaker.

Because they are lonely,unfulfilled, depressed, they want their egos stroked and some reassurance they still have "it."
Exactly the same reasons married woman do exactly the same thing.

You have already had great advice so no point in adding my 2 cents.
I merely wanted to point out this isn't a guy thing or a girl thing, it's a human thing.
perhaps the very reason he is being like that around you because of the boundaries you employ.
He is secure in knowing you won't get entangled, regardless of how these fantasies in his head play out.
However, it makes you uncomfortable, so do what you need to feel safe and carry on.
All the best.Take care.

Well yeah, Mike is just a friend so it is no biggie. I mean the no contact. Have already put a block on his emails. I feel better I got it out in the open. I think you are right. Narcissists always do damage...even if they are just girlfriends. I keep cleaning and cleaning but darn they are still lurking about. Also, in America it seems like every other person I meet is kind of like a narcissist.

Damn right it makes me feel uncomfortable. But sometimes I just go along because I don't want to rock the boat and as others have noticed I have a crap load of more important heavy stuff on my plate. It is just that Mike can be very solicitous as narcs can. No...the flirting married man stuff...like Eew. I find it extremely distasteful/crude and rude to their partners. That is really why I started this post. Yes, a person thing. I heard you. Thanks.

I am sorry he behaved like this with you, presumably he knows how your mental state is at the moment so that makes it worse that he is trying to hit on you.

I don't know much about narcissists thankfully but I have read a disregard for others feelings is part of it.

Hope you will have peace of mind by blocking him.

I never said in my OP that he was hitting on me per se. He was just behaving inappropriately in my mind, maybe not his, but it caused me to wonder why married people online chat with single people while not disclosing the fact they are married. But I guess that is just one of the possible negatives about online activity...that someone is going to hide things about themselves. Anyway, the same can happen in real life. Narcissism is really a global epidemic and social media attracts narcissists. Everyone might want to know a little about them because they are an online hazard!

Really I decided to block him because he has a partner and when his partner is not around he gets bored and then emails me. That kind of sucks. I just think it is worse for a married guy to do this to a single woman who he knows is lonely and with a lot of problems. It really comes down to my feeling icky.

I don't want to confront him and make a big deal about it. I just blocked him.

I guess I don't like to be unfriendly and that gets in the way of my keeping firmer boundaries when I am stressed out.

Glad I brought this to the forum and thank you, all, you really helped me. I am so grateful.

Sorry I misread the emailing you about visiting when his wife is away as hitting on you, and also his being flirty which I think you mentioned. You will know best, trust your instinct on this.

I do believe men and men can be friends but if there is flirting then that is different IMO. I am very careful not to flirt with male friends and actually deliberately talk in a very practical down to earth way with them if that makes sense - best way I can describe it is communicating (often with gross humour) so there are absolutely no romantic vibes.

You come across on here as being a vey friendly open type of person and I totally get that you prefer not to create conflict - I am similar. I use humour a lot to manage relationships/friendships - in your situation I may have been tempted to say something like "Hey, how come you only invite me over when Betty is away? If I didn't know better I'd think you were hitting on me" But that's just me. You know what works for you best.

Well, it would get a bit complicated to confront someone who is narcissistic. They don't like any kind of criticism. So even that line you suggested would definitely make him angry and he would deny he was doing anything behind Betty's back. That's why I took the advice of others on this thread to just block him. Narcissists hate humor at their expense. They don't take well to even a tiny bit of criticism.

I am really done with this situation. It isn't all that important compared to everything else going on in my life. I was surprised others picked up on my small remark about Mike being a narcissist and warned me. That was good.

Thanks.

Men do this because the wife takes off for a month at a time.Women do it because there husband is gone a month at a time.