[pkwife]

I just have to reach out to other Christians on a personal matter that is weighing my heart. It is a little long, but I could really use some insight. As a ministry leader, our personal confidences are fewer than you would think.

I am a wife of 7 years to my amazing husband and mother of 2 beautiful children. I am in my early 30's. My husband is a men's ministry pastor, and men's group trainer and I am a sahm but do minister to women frequently and help my husband with all the behind the ministry needs on a regular basis. We love God and ministry, and marriage ministry is our ultimate common goal and our true passion in life.

About 3 years ago my husband met a friend and he is exactly our age, he quickly became my husband's friend, and then seemingly became basically his best friend. We all ministered together several times a week, he helped us with countless events and ministry needs as a leader and friend. Neither our family nor his has any local family in the area, so after all this time he and his children have become like family to us. We both have each others house keys and they are precious to us. I personally see him like a little brother (he is 5 mo. younger!) and I have trusted him and adored him like family.

He has been having trouble in his marriage and over the years we both have spent hours of loving personal conversations encouraging him and lifting him up to help with his marriage and family situation. Though his wife does not seem to want to be married, has threatened divorce for 8 years and wants to live her own way, including ignoring her house and even their two children. She basically uses her home just to sleep there and complains when she has to feed or watch her own kids. She is very wrapped up in her business and hides there and really won't let anyone in.

Personally, I have tried countless times to reach out and minister to her and love her and befriend her without much success. Our friend is left to work his full time job, watch his children when they come home from school, cook, clean, shop and manage everything in the home.

Last year, about June or so, he began facing more of a crisis in his marriage, his wife's new business took her away from home more and more leaving him overwhelmed with all of the duties even more. When she would take the children with her, it got to the point she was not even wanting to feed her children dinner. Breakfast is a tray of Oreos and milk, dinner is at 9:00 at night - bedtime 12:00 or later. The children were getting sick all the time from lack of sleep and very sad from emotional abandonment.

I did my best and started to step up to the plate more to start watching the children at my house more to help out. My husband and I continued to offer marriage advice and personal encouragement. As I continued to help more, I started trying to help with light household duties and cooking large meals that would have leftovers for them a couple times a week. I began to watch the children pretty equally at my house or theirs. We became very close, I felt like he was practically a twin brother we had so many similarities, people even said we look alike so much they just assume we are siblings. Coming from not much family myself, I treasure that. I did everything I could to pour love, prayer and support into each of them and to especially encourage him from a woman's perspective. I would lovingly but firmly correct him if I thought he was doing something stupid in his marriage and I tried to give them both tools to help. His wife would tolerate me, but would mock me when I would leave but he seemed like he was trying everything we gave him. I loved him and the children very much and just wanted them to be whole and restored.

Now that you have background... here is my problem. In December, I was shopping for Christmas presents when I had an unexpected health crisis. Apparently I was born with a heart condition and did not know it. A week before my heart acted up and I was on our living room floor clutching my chest. My husband just kind of looked at me and oddly enough walked away from me to go "floss". Sometimes he clams up in situations. On this day, my husband was working, my Aunt had my children and so I just tried to drive myself home to rest. My heart had always fluttered my whole life but I just chalked it up to stress. On my drive home I realized something was very wrong. My heart began to pound intensely and would not stop. Not being too far from my "brother's" workplace, I made it to his parking lot and called him. He came dashing out of the building, ran to my car, flung open the door and I began to feel the most intense crushing pain of my life. I saw spots and fainted in his arms. My body went into a seizure and then I went into cardiac arrest. He called 911, they began to have him prepare me for rescue and the ambulance arrived in 2 min. My heart rate returned and I regained consciousness in the ER. My heart malfunctioned again in the ER, I almost died again and finally they were able to stabilize me. VERY scary experience. I had a genetic abnormality and needed surgery. They stabilized me over the holidays with medicine and I had surgery in middle January.

During the month that I had to wait for surgery the best way I can describe how I felt was numb and confused. I apparently was suffering from acute stress similar to Post traumatic stress. Nothing felt safe, not even my body, my home did not feel familiar, my husband did not feel familiar, and I just could not feel God at all. I felt like I was barely functioning above instinct. Holidays were a numb blur. The only time I felt safe was when my "brother" was around. I died in his arms and he was there to bring comfort to me in the hospital, sat with me and read scripture etc. He felt safe.

For the holidays he went away on a 15 day break to see his/her family up north. Both families are strained and he called frequently for support. We missed each other very much and I did not feel as safe with him gone. I tried to connect to my usual surroundings and people, but I just felt so numb. When he returned home, my husband picked him up and he came and surprised me at the house. We hugged for a solid 5 minutes and I felt so much better that he was home. He kissed my cheek and said how much he missed me. I missed him too.

During this time, my husband began to worry that we were getting too close and approached him about it. He assured him he loved me, but that nothing was wrong. I was very stressed to say the least... and for the first time really in my relationship with him, I was the one needing help. Usually I was helping him! I was grateful he was there in so many ways and I felt totally safe when he was around. He would read God's word to me and I was so comforted. He said he would be there when I even opened my eyes after my heart surgery. I was grateful for that too.

My medicines for my heart made me very exhausted and I felt like I constantly had the flu. As badly as my body ached, I could not sleep at night because the medicine exhausted my body but disturbed my sleep. I had not had more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a month. I felt like a truck hit me every day and my mind were so exhausted. I felt alone, confused and like I just did not know what to do with myself. I felt very anxious about my surgery and I just felt so displaced from my life.

The beginning of January my husband sent me away for a 3 day spa getaway a week before my surgery. I had a spa treatment the first day and I got to spend 2 nights sleeping peacefully in a local hotel close to a local beach of ours. Or so I thought. When I came out of the spa there was a large bouquet of flowers on the windshield from him with a note saying that he loved me and that he hoped I had a wonderful weekend resting in the Lord. There was scripture on it and I felt so comforted. I felt like my husband and my brother were sending me away to rest and I felt protected. I really needed to try to sleep and rest. I called told my husband about the flowers and just felt so happy. I went to my room and got ready for bed.

I got a phone call from my "brother" at about 12:30 a.m. He knew I was having trouble sleeping all the time and said he was calling to check on me, sorry so late, but he wanted to see if I was settled in o.k. I said I was fine. He just came from a late prayer meeting with my husband and was going home. We chatted for about 1/2 hour and I said I was getting tired and was getting ready to sleep. The next thing I know he asked me, " So what is with the do not disturb sign in the lock?" I threw back the covers and freaked out! Oh my goodness! He was Here? I opened the door and was thrilled to see him! I did not expect him to be there, I just figured I would see him Sunday night when I returned home. O.K., you probably guessed by now, something happened. [b]NO, not that something, but a definite shift in the relationship. I hugged him; I was as thrilled to see him as I was when he came back from his vacation. I asked him how he knew what room I was in and he said that my husband told him weeks ago. He helped him with the details.

We hugged for what seemed like forever, and then he tilted up my head and kissed me. I let him. I felt so loved and so safe it was amazing. Afterwards, I just laid my head on his chest and he said he had been wanting to do that for a long time. I paused...then something made me ask him..."How long?" Probably a year at least it had been a distraction for him he said. He said how beautiful I was and he would fight being distracted when I would talk to him. Then I did get some clarity and got a little irritated. I asked... "What about all the times I prayed for you/with you or ministered to you? Did you even hear anything I ever said then...or were you distracted?" He backpedaled alot, and needless to say we talked alot, about everything really the rest of that night. He left at about 6:30 in the morning because he had an early appointment. I realized exactly how he felt and I was very confused at this point about how I felt about him. I knew I loved him, and I trusted him and felt very safe with him. Obviously. He was so close with all of us and I seemed to understand him the most, but Wow, I suddenly had a whole new issue to deal with. I love him so much, but I told him I did not want anything to harm our relationship and I just really thought we would be in each other's lives forever. I spent the rest of the weekend pretty confused, really did not get much rest at all and talked to my sister...alot!

I did not know how/if I should make a big deal out of it or tell my husband since nothing "bad" happened. I contemplated all weekend what to do. Needless to say... my husband talked to him every day and when he would not answer his phone on Saturday my husband got suspicious. He just said that he felt overwhelmingly concerned about my "brother's" feelings for me. He was also concerned that my love for him would turn romantic since it was deepening because of what happened with my heart incident. He was also worried about the "Hero" factor bringing us too close together too. He called another pastor and they were both going to confront our "brother" about his feelings and motives toward me.

Well, because I have always been very honest with my husband and have told him everything during our entire relationship- I really never had anything to hide, so I guess my "brother" thought I probably said something about him being in my room on Friday. He knew I told my husband already about the flowers on my car but he did not know that I did not tell him yet about being at my room.

My husband asked him to come to our house, he wanted to talk. My husband did not know at this point that our "brother" had come to my room or kissed me. He just saw major warning signals in how close we were getting and the fact that I was only really rested around him during the last month. When he got there with our other pastor friend, he realized he was being confronted. Not knowing I hadn't told my husband yet about what happened, he freaked out, said I called him and that he came to my room to minister to me and that I was scared and he wanted to comfort me. He said he got caught up in all of it and that I kissed him!!!!!!

I came home a few hours later from my weekend after my husband confronted him (which I did not know about). Boy did I walk into a mess. My husband informed my that he basically made me out to be a pursuant seductress. He apparently went home and "confessed" to his wife, told her I was all over him and that he doesn't know how it happened. My husband wanted him to come back to our house that night after I returned from my weekend to set things straight with me. He came back to our house right after I got home and sat me down and before I could say anything he blurted out that, "Our relationship is wrong and evil and wicked and you need to ask God for forgiveness and your husband for forgiveness. We can only communicate from now on through your husband if at all." He had this cold look in his eyes that I had not ever seen in 3 years.

I was stunned and overwhelmed. I ran out of the house and I just felt so upset. My husband told me what he had said earlier and I was floored. I told him what really happened and he said he understood and that he understands that there was no sex involved but that I could never see him again. I was so devastated by the sudden betrayal and having him ripped away from my life all I could do was cry. My heart hurt so bad emotionally and physically, I literally felt like I was going to die again. I was reeling in pain and betrayal and confusion. I have felt never more alone in my life. My surgery was days away and I felt abandoned and scared. Nothing made sense and I could not force clarity at all. I did not feel safe or comforted; I cried out and hurt deeply. I felt abandoned and I could not even find my Father in Heaven.

Where was my God who I always depended on, why could I not feel Him or anything for anyone else and now all I could feel was overwhelming pain. Was all the ministering I just did for almost 3 years for nothing? I began to question whether I was effective ever with anyone at all! Had he heard anything I said or was it just a way to be near me? What about the children? I would probably never see them either. What about my surgery? Would he be there? Why on earth would he blame me and act like I have been some kind of seductress??? How could someone I loved and trusted, especially in my most critical hour, betray me like that?

My surgery came and I was frightened. I was not finding much comfort in God, all the scriptures I knew just sounded like words. Nothing was penetrating. I was put under anesthetic. My husband, sister and church friend were there waiting for me. I woke up and my sister said when I was under my anesthetic I started crying and was asking for my "brother" and was desperately crying out his name. I seemed very frightened and disoriented. I am told people do all sorts of things when they are coming out of anesthesia.

I came home to heal, and he never called to see how my surgery was. We know alot of people and my husband sent out a group e-mail to let all of the men and friends in our church and family know I was ok, but we never heard from him again. I have made no attempts to contact him either, but it has been 3 months now and I miss him every day. We were so close. I am still stunned, sometimes angry, but mostly I feel deeply hurt and my heart aches. Maybe my husband was very right to step in, maybe I was beginning to fall in love with him, I honestly don't know. I loved him very much, he felt like family, I trusted him and felt loved and protected by him like he really was my brother. After he saved my life, our relationship deepened and I certainly was not able to distinguish much, but I do know that He betrayed my husband and I both. I miss him, I miss the children and sometimes my children ask me on a weekly basis if the can see Uncle ---, or if they can play with his kids. I still hurt but I will not contact him. What could I possibly say to him? And besides...I would not want to feed his accusations that I was the pursuant one!?

The last few week’s mutual friends seem to bring up his name out of no where. Without being asked we are told how he is doing and that he said to tell everyone in our men's group "Hi" (since he is obviously no longer welcome in that either!) He started going to a different church right before all of this happened so we can excuse his absence because of that. Every time I hear his name I want to cry and throw a shoe at his head at the same time. I know I am still recovering, I am weaning off of my medicines (which still make me sick and not sleep well) and I am trying to find a new normal. I am doing my best to "get with it", but it feels like I have to completely reconstruct my life. I have gone to a few counseling sessions but she is a Christian counselor, she has also counseled my husband and knows that we are leaders at our church. I feel somewhat inhibited talking to her and I feel more comfortable talking about my heart issue than I do with the issue with my "brother". I am talking intimately with my husband every night, sometimes for hours. This has really made my husband want to be even closer to me and it seems like it is deepening our relationship as I continue to gain strength and clarity. But there are times I miss my "brother" and my heart aches so much I could just cry. I am having trouble trusting men or wanting to minister to anyone at all. I feel so grieved and angry at the same time. My sister just moved out of state a couple of weeks ago so that adds to my upheaval in my life. I don't know what to do, but I could use some insight or advice. Some days I feel like giving up. I am so exhausted physically and I am finally getting off of my medicine. Hopefully I will get rest and sleep and feel healthy again soon. My heartbeat is still irregular, but should heal itself completely in a year or two.

I know this is a really long letter, but I just needed to get it all out. I feel so weird and I could really use insight from other Christians as I continue to try to trust God and rebuild my life. God has led us to scriptures, but the one that breaks my heart is one that our Pastor friend (the one who was the mutual friend between all 3 of us) leads us to. It is the story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13. King David sent Tamar to her half brother Amnon because he seemed ill and was calling for her. Amnon feigned illness because he loved his half sister Tamar and wanted to be near her. She loved him and tended him wholeheartedly unaware of his motives and then he took advantage of her and raped her and then tossed her callously aside like she was garbage. I was not raped, but the clarity of the story and the motives pierced me to the core. The loving man I thought of like close family and helped probably had misguided motives for a long time and we just never knew. It is so hard to turn him into an Amnon. To turn the person I loved like a brother into a person who just lusted after me? I wish I could have him before me and have him explain himself to me. But, he can't do that without revealing his intent. The person I thought he was I would have expected an apology by now. I guess he really is an Amnon. What else can I think? Nothing else makes sense until I look at it with a motive of intent on his end and that hurts so much. Were my husband and I were just resources to him to help elevate him in the church and I inadvertently became a goal? We all were so close but I just can't imagine someone could have that much intent and bad motive for that long?

I have not heard from him and I don't know if I ever will, so I must find a way to reconcile this in my heart and try not to let it embitter me or turn me off from ministering to people. We live 2 miles apart; I pass his house or work almost every time I leave the house. Needless to say we have thrown away his house key and are trying to remove him from our lives. My husband and I have both been burnt by people, even other Christians before, but I just really never saw this coming and with as intimate and close as we had become after he was there when my heart stopped and in the days and month following, I must say, his betrayal hurts and cuts more deeply than anyone else’s ever has.

AS leaders in our church and surrounding area ministries we have not told anyone about this and do not want to smear his family in any way, so we are just dealing with it ourselves. I have asked my husband for forgiveness for not guarding my heart better and letting down boundries. I have asked God for forgiveness and am trying not to beat myself up but it is hard. I guess you just really never know another person’s motive completely and I must learn to pull my boundries in even tighter. Every day is just a challenge to try to rebuild my life right now and feel strong and whole again. My faith was shaken a bit and I was really overwhelmed, but I know God is our justice and that if he does not repent for real he will be judged.

I am just having trouble turning my love for him into indifference. Especially since we recently found out he is just dashing about at his 3rd new church trying to get into leadership again and is cozying up to the head pastor of that church too. The pastor of the 2nd church he went to was the friend who came with him the day my husband confronted him. He told him he would not be able to be in leadership for a minimum of 6 months in his church in any way and has apparently tried to council him and his wife. We recently heard that he is starting to attend evening classes at yet a 3rd church now. He is really running. How could he even consider leadership at all? I genuinely loved him and it is hard to just flip a switch in my heart, but how could he behave so coldly? I can barely still make sense of it all! I just keep repeating to myself the story of Amnon and Tamar. It is just so hard to grasp that he really was just like that. He is very good at hiding his dysfunction I guess. I have so many issues to work through - my physician just told me my heart should not stop on me again but will act up a little from time to time so I am finally finding more trust in even just my physical self. Fear had been a big issue during all of this that I am finally working through as well. God is really teaching me to slow down and is getting my attention in a lot of ways. I was overwhelmed and overburdened and definately need to better learn to reprioritize my time and energy. I guess all of this was so unexpected and really all at once that it is still all so hard to sort through and believe.

Thanks so much for listening!

i just read your post and want to offer you a warm welcome to the forums.....it took alot of courage to tell your story and my heart breaks for your sadness.......i don't mean to simplify this as it is certainly a most complicated situation but sometimes perhaps it is best not to question God's way......He will give you the strength to get through this and uncover the answers that your heart needs......if you ever need a shoulder.....i'm here for you.......

I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have been through...your heart was broken in natural and emotional ways...What your "brother" meant for evil to do to you, God used for good...because he was used to save your life...I understand that a part of you was taken, a part of your trust and heart, but, I am convinced that God has given you a new heart, both in the natural and the emotional realm...take gentle care...you need time to heal..

[(JD)]

Of course you would naturally feel close to someone who rescued you and saved your life. I'm glad you found PC to vocalize your situation and hopefully find a solution.

TC

[pkwife]

I just wanted to give all the details to help outsiders understand. I do not need to justify myself. I have been extremely repentant over this situation and have very forthcoming during my entire friendship with him and during this entire situation itself which is why my husband does trust me. I have never cheated on him or ever intend too which is why no sex was involved. I try to be a very modest, loving Christian woman who would not try to make someone stumble on purpose.

Our marriage is growing stronger and we are talking alot every night. We are going through this together and I am grateful for my husband's love and obedience to God to be able to help see clearly in this situation and he was willing to confront our friend to help protect our marriage.

Sometimes you just let your guard down and you forget that danger can lurk in the most unexpected places. This was a very difficult time, for the first time in my life I was not the "strong" one. Usually I only take my weaknesses to the Lord so that I can always be here to love and encourage everyone else, but this really ripped the rug out from under me and I didn't feel like I could even find God. I was struggling to just live...every heartbeat hurt for days and the fact that I died really shook up my life, heart surgery was very scary to face too. I would love to tell you I was such a superior Christian that as a 33 year old wife and mother of 2 sudden cardiac arrest did not phase me at all and unexpected heart surgery in a few weeks, but it really did.

I am not excusing my behaviour, I have been extremely vocal and detailed and forthcoming as we sort this out but I was very frightened and was struggling with acute stress after my heart stopped. Muddling through all of this at once has been very hard. I had even sought counseling for post traumatic stress. My home, husband, children etc. did not seem comforting or really very familiar. Colors and sounds and smells were amplified, scripture seemed like just words and I felt lost in a fog. I hadn't slept more than 4 uninterrupted hours in a month and I was on horrible medicine. I certainly owe up to the fact that I was clinging to him as security. Nothing seemed or felt secure, not even my next breath. The last secure thing I saw or felt was him as I began to pass out before my heart stopped. He was there in the ER, stayed with me alot in the hospital etc. He was like my brother. I had no reason to be suspicious or fear him, I felt loved and protected.

We ultimately should really not even get too attached to anyone in this world because Christ should be our only rock. HE usually is…which is what made my confusion even more frightening. I just couldn’t feel much of anything at the time. This was a very traumatic thing that I didn't see coming. I never expected to have this happen and there were many things God was revealing in this situation. I was overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted and just had a major health crisis. I made a mistake letting him in the door probably, but I think if it was any other man I certainly would not have opened the door, but at the time he was the one I trusted the most since he helped to save my life. I did not expect him to show up and after he kissed me I also asked him why he was there and we certainly needed to talk about this and what was really being felt. I loved him but it was certainly not romantic and I made that clear. If I was interested in leaving my husband I suppose I had prime opportunity to do so, but that was not my intention. I did not view him that way. I am guilty of lowering boundries. He was already so close to us, all of us, like a family member, that we both dropped our guard and deemed him safe.

I don't think it was very nice of you to say you wouldn't blame my husband if he didn't trust me or if he left me! As another Christian woman, pastor's wife or not I absolutely would not encourage that type of advice, ever. This was not premeditated and my husband understands because we were both involved in this and I was honest, I never hid anything because as far as I was concerned, there wasn't anything to hide. I am frustrated and hurt and angry because I can't believe someone could be so fearful and lacking in integrity that they would just blame someone they love that loves them too for their premeditated sin. His motives were exposed, my lack of boundry and willingness to love wholeheartedly certainly got me in trouble, but I have been very forthcoming about my mental state, motives and lack of clarity.

I have asked repeatedly for forgiveness of any hurt I inadvertently may have caused as I continue to sort this out. I am just struggling how supposed Christians can forget they are flawed as well and develop such pious attitudes and think they can just dash about pretending nothing is wrong. I certainly have not been ministering to anyone since my surgery, I/we are trying to heal. And I have had no contact with him whatsoever on my end. With as much as we pour into others, sometimes we can just really get hurt, and sometimes it is really bad timing too.

I just wanted to get other peoples insight, not verbal condemnation. Sometimes it is hard to let people go so unexpectedly, especially a loved one who helped to save your life. I do not have alot of other people to talk to besides my husband. Churches do have busybodies and holier than thou types, as I am sure you are well aware. As leaders we are judged more severely by God and unfortunately sometimes other Christians. You have to be careful what you say and to whom. We have been careful what we do or don’t do regarding this situation. I have certainly learned alot and am growing from it and any wisdom I receive on this lesson learned I do hope to pass on to other women someday as well.

You may want to rethink your motives before you respond to a person's e-mail. If I had been a new Christian your reply would be crushing. I think it is harsh of you and very unkind and un-Christlike to say you would not blame my husband if he left me. Please don't ever tell someone else that, I can take it and sense your perspective, but a new Christian might not. When Christ himself came upon the woman caught in actual adultery ready to be stoned, he simply told her to go and sin no more. He extended his mercy and grace to her.

God gave us the story of Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel 13) for this situation from another pastor to us. It has helped so much, but every time I read it I still am struck with grief over the similarities and some days it is just hard to believe that someone you thought you knew so well, was so close and so loved was really motivated in that way. Would you have chided Tamar for going into Amnon's bedroom alone?

She probably should have known better... after all he was not full blooded family and she was a beautiful woman, but why would she have reason to fear? Her father the King sent her, her brother Absalom accompanied her and knew she was there, she wholeheartedly served, and the Bible lingers on how much she served without question… and then she was ultimately left holding the bag of his perpetrated sin. She knew him well and trusted him completely. If you are still married does your husband have to walk quite a thin line or do you offer mercy and grace to him? I am sure over the years he has offered grace and mercy to you as well.

May God keep your heart soft and tenderhearted as you minister truth to his people and as we continue to bear one another’s burdens and weaknesses.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your opinion.

Have a blessed day.

pkwife, i am sorry that you were judged harshly here. i think it takes tremendous courage to self-disclose as you did and i am very hopeful that your life works out well for you.

trust me when i tell you that PC is a caring and very supportive community. talk to us anytime you need to.

i surely can't see God putting you down and rejecting you. again, i'm sorry that you were hurt here........xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

PK, this sounds like an overwhelmingly emotional situation.

I'm sorry that you feel that you were judged harshly. Each of us has his or her own opinions and ways of relating to others who come to the forums, as well as our good and bad days. We are all just travelers on this road.

I hope your find the comfort you need here.

((((((((((((((((((((((PK))))))))))))))))))))))

[ocean_jade]

I think there is a place within Christianity for acknowledging mistakes without shame.

The shame is about feeling bad. It gets in the way of actually healing the pain.

Pkwife, you have more than acknowledged your mistakes. And more than paid for them. Already. So please ... don't question your goodness (it sounds like you are not) and don't spend any more time beating yourself up (you have already shared fully, here and with your husband).

About the "pastoral" response: is not right to use the excuse of "honesty" to disguise harshness.

There is nothing healing about saying that one's husband would be justified in leaving, etc. That's his decision, not "support" for someone in pain. The decisions we and our partners make will happen outside of this place ... but this needs to be a safe sanctuary. I am new here, but am not new to the concept of emotional safety. Christianity is about forgiveness and right living, not judgment.

Your brother is not a bad person. He was lonely, scared, and too weak to keep the moral high road. It was wrong for him to take advantage of you, but he did not do it to hurt you. He did it because he was weak and not being honest with himself. And because he genuinely cared about all of you. That was real - even if the romantic feelings got mixed in later.

In time he will figure out how badly he treated you. But in the meantime ... he was a human being. He screwed up, and hurt you, your husband, and himself.

The hardest is when someone vanishes into the night. We want some kind of resolution. An apology. An acknowledgment.

If it were me, I would write a letter to him expressing your anger and confusion. What the relationship really meant to you, and why you were sad that it's over. Let yourself say anything. Don't send the letter. Just write it. Cry your tears.

Let yourself hear him (his higher self) apologize for his mistakes. His selfishness. His stupidity. Whatever you need to hear so that you can accept the loss and move on.

Then destroy it, let it go. Keep the memories of everything that was real (he really did save your life, was close to everyone in your family). Let go of the rest.

Love and peace -
Ocean_Jade

i'm still embarrassed by the harsh judgment that was visited upon you here. posts have been deleted but my embarrassment hasn't been removed. good luck to you. xoxoxo pat

[LMo]

As a human (faith having nothing to do with it), I'm sorry for the struggling that you, your husband, and your friend are going through. Being a moral person does not mean that we are perfect - we can only try to do the right thing. We've all been weak at times. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy and I wish all of you the best in healing and moving on.

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry for the hurt and pain you are feeling and having to go through..... May God strengthen both you and your husband as He heals the wounds that once destroyed - in time may all be made perfect in His eyes.

Please know that like LMo stated - None of us are perfect and as a Christian we are still not perfect - what have as a Christian is that we are saved and loved no matter what.

God can turn a force of destruction into a Heaven of Healing.... some times we must be broken in order to be made whole again. I often pray - "Break ME in order to Make ME"

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Rhapsody]

Checking IN - to see how YOU are doing today....... I PRAY that all is well with you, your husband and your broken heart.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

me, too.........hope you have a brighter day. xoxox pat

[Smilie]

I am sorry of your tremendous loss and betrayal However I don't want to respond or give advise to quickly.However I would like to ponder in my heart and mind what you have written. But the first emotion I have experienced is great sadness.I believe that I am feeling the burden to cry with you in your time of great grief. And yet the words tremendous loss and betrayal and great grief only seem to scratch the surface of the pain you have had and endure. Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out to us. And as far as the replies that were taken out, I am glad that they are gone.your situation requires a mature and well seasoned person or persons to minister to you.You have an open heart and that is the best place for you to be in at this time. God looks into the heart of a man. But we as people sometimes fail to do this. I know that by knowing this it dose not lessen the pain. I have to go to work now. But my heart goes out to you and I am grieved by the burden of the false guilt and false accusations that have not been yours to carry . Smile

[Smilie]

I had posted a reply but sadly enough it did not take.I am sorry I need more time to offer my advice. I have a chronic illness that causes chronic pain on a daily basic.But trust me I have not forgotten you or the impact of sharing your story. Are you still out there? I just wanted to let you know that your burden still weighs on my heart. And if you still need a listening ear then I am still here. I hope these are not too strong of words but I believe in my heart that God sees you as his child and would say to you" My daughter with whom I am well pleased." It sounds like to me that you have a strong and intimate relationship with your Father of heaven. You see we have some similar history back ground.I know that I am taking a risk at baring my soul by telling you this.
Smilie

[Smilie]

Are you still out there and are you ok?I'm Just letting you know you are not forgotten and you are still on my heart. And how is your health? PM me any time.Smilie

[Direction]

I just read your post without whatever was deleted...I'm glad you have found us!

Hope that each day you may draw closer and closer to being healed and to being with God...

[Smilie]

You still weigh on my heart, Are you alright?Answer me back even if it is months later or more. In the mean time I will continue to keep you in my prays. But I also would like to tell you my personal story privately if you are interested.

The thought that keeps coming up is a wounded soul. I wish you the best and God bless.

Smilie

[Smilie]

I couldn't help wondering how many others may be in the same shoes as you. And I came across some information that may be useful to you and others like you.(google) type in the keys subjects one at a time. Depersonalization, derealization, disassociation, emotionally wounded,spiritually wounded, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) , and transference.this information may prove to be useful to those of you who have had a traumatic accident or experience. And for those who have been abused and or have a head injury, heart attack, and a stoke. Or for those who have tremors, seizures,or a neurological disorder. Because these things can inevitably effect your relationships with others and to yourself.
smilie