[okiedokie]

My daughter wants to constantly remind me of what a crappy mother I've been to her for her ENTIRE life.

I'm recovered and healthy. I let her live with me for practically nothing.

She hates my guts and makes that VERY clear. She's 22 btw.

Do I have to constantly pay? How many times can I apologize? I offered her free therapy and she turned me down. What else can I do?

I'm tired and worn down and I want her to move out. Is that unreasonable??? Am I still being a terrible mom by wanting this??

I'm just sick.....I love her very much. I want the best for her.

My own and only daughter hates me...how can I live with that???
Okie

[MyBestKids2]

{{{okie }}}

Okie....

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

these times... of 22... are so very hard.. I speak from experience here.. 22 year old son... and ya know what..

I had a T (my age)... and she was going thru the same thing with her 20 something son...

sooo... I want to soothe.. your poor heart... and offer you comfort...

[eskielover]

In reading your post, you say that you have made the changes you have needed to with your life. You have brought her back in & taking care of her needs......You have appoligized.

If your actions truely reflect the changes you have made in your life, they you have pretty much done everything you can on your part to fix the relationship.

It is up to her to see these changes & forgive. Don't know how long she has been back with you & given a chance to see these changes but it's up to her to fogive & get on with life & stop holding onto old grudges.

I guess if is were my daughter, I would confront her & ask her what she needs to see to be able to forgive you for the past. You both need to communicate about the situation & bring it into that level. If she can tell you more things that need to change, than it is up to you to know if that is a reasonable request & if so, is it something you can do?

If she can't communicate that there is anything more you can do & it is her that just can't let go, then she needs to realize that is something she has to do & that being around you isn't going to make her do that. If this is the case, then in my opinion, it seems that she needs to be alone & get her thoughts & values together so that she can find it in her heart to let go of her anger. She may need therapy since some people cant do this on their own, but she will need to come to terms with her own anger & that isn't anything you can change as long as you have done everything on your part to make your changes & she can see the actions are really different.

I think that once that communication has happened, then you can determine the necessary housing arrangement. If there is nothing that can be done to change her anger, then both of you should know that it is best to not live under the same roof....it should be a mutual agreement at that point......if not, you don't need to live around that anger & need to get her out of your house. I find that when I live around anger, it brings me down....it tends to make me feel anger.....at myself....at the other person. It just isn't a healthy emotion to have being a constant 24/7 in your environment.

Hope this makes some sense.....relationships are tough, but communication & getting things understood as far as how each other feels is the most important thing for making decisions like what you are asking.

Debbie

Okie: I haven't participated in the forums for months due to someone trying to humiliate me, but I wanted to let you know my daughter at the same age as yours was very bitter towards me (& really I couldn't blame her--being a bipolar mom isn't pretty sometimes).

I got the proper medication & took a turn for the better. She watched with bated breath to see if I would return to my former self. It took YEARS of my being stable before she was able to say she was glad I had found the right meds & that I was doing so much better & that she was proud of me. She's 31 now & knows about my mother having bipolar & committing suicide so she's appreciative that I got the help I desperately needed.

She did go into therapy & had me come in a couple times where I "admitted" all my faults & basically said "yes, it's true, I did all those things (basically not being present emotionally) & was a withdrawn mother. What she was telling the therapist was true. I think she appreciated that I was honest & didn't try to defend myself.

Now we have a good relationship & she even looks after my well-being somewhat by asking how I'm feeling, if I'm sleeping OK, etc. There is hope!--Suzy

[Wants2Fly]

First, off, OkieDokie, if your only evidence that you're a "terrible mom" is daughter's accusation, maybe she's wrong. I thought my mother was terrible when I was 22 and, okay, maybe our family was dysfunctional, but she was far from terrible. Now that I am in nearly 60 and she's in her 80s, I appreciate the ways she helped me and the person she helped me to become. Maybe you're daughter will see things differently in time, too.

According to your past posts, your daughter is a drug user, and having been-there, done-that, I wouldn't trust the perceptions of anyone whose using alcohol or drugs heavily.

I once heard a quotation, which I'm going to have to paraphrase, but it was along the lines of -- Our parents are responsible for what happens to us when we are children. But we are responsible for our lives in adulthood.

Your daughter is an adult. You offered therapy and she refused. To me, the short answer is that you've paid enough, and she has to start taking responsibility for making her life what she wants it to be.

[Direction]

I agree with Debbie's post...it had a lot of good suggestions...

[Cheri]

I don't think you're terrible for wanting her to move out; it sounds like the situation is toxic to both of you. Your daughter doesn't gain anything from constantly expressing anger and bitterness without making an effort to deal with it constructively. You might consider setting some boundaries, such as telling her if she wants to continue living under your roof, then the two of you need to attend family therapy together. If she eventually wants to pursue individual therapy, and you can afford to pay for it, you may want to make that offer again sometime. Meanwhile, it sounds like she is getting a big pay-off from punishing you and you really shouldn't allow that to continue.

It might be tough to get by in the world at 22, but your daughter can always find a roommate or two to share expenses--this is what I did when my mother threw me out (greatest gift she ever gave me, although I only appreciate it in retrospect). I didn't even know the two people I moved in with, but the situation worked out well, although my mother and I didn't speak for over 2 years.

You have my sympathies for dealing with this difficult situation. I hope you're able to work out a solution that's good for both of you.

I'm not sure I have any suggestions, but I want to share that I did not have the best relationship with my mom. I still don't. It took me years to be able to think for myself and break free from her influence. I have been long out of the house and on my own now. Yet she still talks to me like I am in grade school. Fortunately I have learned to put it out of my mind and not let it bother me.

My father on the other hand is one of my best friends. Unfortunately I don't see him as much as I would like because usually with him comes my mom. We stay in touch via email.

I have a younger brother still living at home, and I think he is struggling with some of the same things I did. I wish I had more of a relationship with him than I did, but he hasn't been receptive to my requests. I worry about him though because I know exactly what Mom is like.

[okiedokie]

Today, she told me she's NOT going to pay me rent and she's moving out in 3 weeks. I said if she's not going to pay the rent then she would have to move out. She said I can't legally do that and that I would have to give her notice in writing!! I can't believe she pulled the "legalities" out. I told her she would have to pro-rate for 3 weeks. We're not talking "rent" here, we're talking $300 for total support.

Then I asked her about the loan payment. She said she wasn't paying that either and that I would have to "sue" her for that.

Then she threw the phone at me!

I've had it with her. I don't deserve to be treated this way by a 22 y.o. child, do I?
Thanks,
Okie

PS Airway, I'm sure our relationship will be much like your and your mother's when it's all said and done.

[Wants2Fly]

Good for you for taking a stand.

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
First, off, OkieDokie, if your only evidence that you're a "terrible mom" is daughter's accusation, maybe she's wrong. I thought my mother was terrible when I was 22 and, okay, maybe our family was dysfunctional, but she was far from terrible. Now that I am in nearly 60 and she's in her 80s, I appreciate the ways she helped me and the person she helped me to become. Maybe you're daughter will see things differently in time, too.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



We all have to live our own lives and if your daughter is making yours harder, she's old enough to take care of herself now and I don't see anything at all wrong with asking her to leave and get on with her own life instead of just raining on yours for a living! You have done all you can do to make amends for any wrongs you may have committed and now it is time for her to "move on".

[eskielover]

I think I would go ahead "sue" her for what she owes you at this time. She is just trying to push you as far as you will let her......get the let her. She thinks at this time she is in control & that is the postion you need to be in especially with a person like her. At this point when she treats you like that.....she is just another person....& doesn't deserve the position of being your daughter.

I wouldn't let her push you around one moment longer....it's wrong & the more she gets away with, the more she will just do it in the future & will continue to make you feel more horrible as the years pass.

When family acts like that, it is time to treat them like any other person....no longer like family since she isn't treating you like family. A lot of times, once they realize they can't get away with acting that way, it makes a difference.

Hope you can be strong enough to deal tough with her,
Debbie

[okiedokie]

Thanks guys. I think you're right on. Nothing else I've tried has worked, so now am trying something different. My T agrees with you that I shouldn't take it for another minute!

Today is her b-day. I bought her a nice gift and she was appreciative. At least the lines of communications are opened up, but I am still maintaining certain boundaries.

Boundaries have always been difficult for me to establish because I grew up with two alcoholic parents. As the oldest daughter taking care of younger kids along with my parents, I never knew what the heck I was doing!
Thanks,
Okie

[Doh2007]

Been there and it's so hard, exhausting even. You love 'em and try to do your best for them, but they don't get it...until they finally leave home. She's old enough to take care of herself, so I would advise turning your attention to yourself and do everything you can to take care of yourself. Get a message, have your hair done, come here to vent and get some support.

Best wishes

[nothemama8]

Okie, I have no children of my own, having adopted daugthers can be just as touchy, Dearheart you need to set up some " HOUSE RULES ", as long as she lives under your roof she must follow the rules you set up or, if she acts like your her servant she needs to pay for services rendered.
Angie

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((OKIE))). I agree with everyone else that has made suggestions. Your house is YOUR home and no one elses home that can not respect your wishes and house rules. I commend you for being your daughters parent and setting the boundaries for yourself and your home. I wish other people caould stand up and be a parent to their children, the children and society in general would be better off. Your daughter will appreciate your honesty and sincerity one of these days it will become her strength in needful times.
Take care of yourself Okie. Best wishes to you and your family. Soidhonia

[Juli]

Okie,

You do NOT have to put up with her disrespect. She is a 22 year old ADULT. Legally I don't suppose you have any obligation to her after the age of 18.

When my daughter turned 18 she got very very abusive to me and refused to show even the base level of respect. So, I shared with her the minimum ground rules for living in my home. I then shared with her that she had a decision to make.

She decided to leave. It was extremely difficult for both of us. And our relationship is still in transition. BUT. I have drawn a boundary of respect and I am okay with how it turned out. I cannot be treated that way in my own home. I deserve better. And she should not be able to get away with that type of treatment of her mother. She learned it from her Dad. I took the first step in breaking the cycle of letting those I love treat me like garbage.

There is a line in the sand, Okie. Only you can decide what the line is for you. But make a decision and stand by it. Hold strong and accept only mutual respect in ALL relationships.

If she continues to be a jerk, I would show her the door. Decide what reasonable is for you and ACT ON IT.

Goodluck,

Juli

[Fuzzybear]

All I can say is I'm sorry!
(don't want to be redundant)

(((((((((((((( okie ))))))))))))))

I have a story to tell ..........

My sister let her eleven year old daughter down in a big way in the worse way possible and this continued for several years, Claire the daughter by the age of 16 was so resentfull she left home and got pregnant, later married the fellow and had more children, she then went on to use the children as a pawn againts her mother for more years untill she reached thirty and called a halt to the relationship, making her mother miss the grandchildren in such a way that she had a breakdown.

Claire is still not happy, my sister is not happy and everyone blames my sister for the way Claire has turned out but pitys her at the same time, how much more can do to apolagise to Claire ? How much more can she pay ? She has finaly given up as Claire will not stop wanting her mother to pay and pay and pay in every way possible. So with a sad heart (deserved I believe) my sister gave up and said goodbye to them all.

This is a very sad but true story and there are no winners only sadness, I believe that in the best interest of everyone they have done the right thing and parted company, I hope your daughter accepts your offer of therapy and is willing for you to go along too so you can sort this out before it gets too far.

(((((((((((okie))))))))))))
(((((((((((((tishie))))))))))))

[okiedokie]

(((Tishie)))

The update is that my daughter is moving out next weekend -- and on good terms with me. Whodda thunkit?!

And she is only moving 3 lights away.

Anyway, I feel like this:


Okie

I think thats great, you may find you get on better now that you wont be under each others feet