Feel so stuck and annoyed.

Hi, I've been reading some of the posts on here and I can relate to a lot of the posts. I can't help but reallize that I am the "bad" guy but I just can't figure out how to make the marriage work?

Our marriage started like five years ago, we have two children now. It is a strange story but I was suffering from depression and had a lot of self esteem issues when I dated my wife. To sum up the long story, I married my wife probably because I had low self-esteem at the time, I never truly figured out what I want in a marriage before marrying her. It was a mistake that I regret today, I feel stuck and just feel like living in jail.

My wife and I planned for a wedding a year in advance, we had dated for years. When the wedding got closer, I got cold feet and told my wife that we shouldn't get married, I don't think that I could love her the way that she should be treated, she should find someone who truly loved her. She cried so I felt bad about it and comforted her. She told me to leave or I'll feel terrible seeing her like that. I felt that she really cared about me, how could I leave someone who loved me like that. So, I stayed and comforted her, you can feel that she was so happy that I stayed. She said that we should proceed with the marriage, and we'll figure it out as we go. Oh man, that is the worst thing to do right? Did I also tell you that I was also in love with another girl when I dated my wife, that's why I told her we shouldn't get married. I wanted to find that girl to ask her out before I get married but I couldn't find her so I settled for my current wife.

So fast forward 5 years later, we have two beautiful daughters. I have never forgotten the girl that I fell for 5 years ago. Throughout the marriage I would get flashbacks of her when I slow danced with her. Our chemistry was off the chart, I remembered she was so nervous and so was I, and we clearly had a crush for each other now that I look back on it. She also tried to talk to me during an event but I was with my girlfriend so I couldn't do much.

Throughout the marriage I think about her but never really thought much more of it. Until the last two weeks, I found out that she is in a relationship and I am assume they will get married next year or two. I am overwhelmed with jealousy. I fell into deep depression and feel like I drew the short straw in life. I feel like my wife took what little happiness I would have felt if I pursued the girl that I loved. I feel like the biggest loser in life, married to someone who I don't love while some dude is with someone who I truly love. It is just the most horrific feeling ever, noone should ever be in this situation, ever. I often wake up from nightmares hurt, jealous, mad, and sad that the one I loved isn't beside me. If only we could turn back time...

So, my wife is a lovely person, she cares about people, cares about me and takes care of me the best she can. We don't argue and yell at each other except a couple times but it was never yelling. She would take care of the chores around the house like laundry and I am the breadwinner. I pay for pretty much everything in the household. She and I lack intelligent connection, in fact, I feel as if she is inferior to me. I don't respect her thought process about anything. She has the old wives tale knowledge passed on to her by her mom. I don't like anything about her mom, I often thought to myself that if she turned out to be like her mom, I'll just have to kill myself. I cannot live with someone who is so dumb and arrogant.

She's a good person and she cares about me but I don't feel any love or connection with her. She is like my children's caretaker. I feel really bad about it though because she needs my support in every way, she cannot even fill out a doctor's form without my help. So, you can tell how much help she needs from me. At one point she couldn't even fill up gas in her car, I always had to do it or her family had to do it. She works part time but it is just to get by and buy food and gas. I feel drained from the relationship, I want someone who I can trust and ask for opinions and advice. I need someone who I am attracted to emotionally and physically. She was the first real relationship that I had and I never figured out what I wanted in a relationship. I often feel annoyed around her, like I would think to myself, please don't say or do nothing stupid for once.

Our sex life is nonexistence. After our marriage we had sex every couple months, then it became once a year, and now it is approaching two years. I come home from work and immediately go my room and sit on the computer. I have told her about my issues a few years ago, how I don't have any feelings for her and she wept and sank into a deep hole. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. She said give to her a time to improve herself because she was so needy, she needed help with everything. It has been over 3 years and I've basically shut down, I don't even tell her how I feel about her anymore, it is useless, it doesn't change anything and only makes things worse. I don't share what I accomplish at work or life. I don't share my problems or experiences. I know that she cares about me deeply but I don't know how to communicate to her anymore I guess. I just say a few words and she finds that she can text me about her feelings. But I also barely text back because it is useless.

I may have inherited some communication issues from my dad. My dad talks to my mom but he and I don't say one word. We live in the same house but we act like there is a wall between us, we don't ever talk or look at each other. My dad has never taught me anything useful about life, women, marriage or trials of life. My mom has tried to talk to me but I suffer from severe depression so I also block her out. Needless to say I've learned to listen and learn because there are so much I don't know either.

So, there is clearly an issue in this marriage. I am contacting a psychiatrist to get some help and treatment and probably severe depression, anxiety and mood medications. I have to figure out what I am supposed to do with out marriage because it has reached a boiling point and it is begining to really affect my work. It's so hard to concentrate when all you think about all day is how I missed out and how my marriage sucks. Do you think this marriage is able to be saved? Am I the one who's ruining the marriage? I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, I feel trapped and screwed. I also fear the lonliness if we break up, I don't have any friends or secret lovers that I can run to. I've truly played the game of life and lost big time.

Going to a pdoc is a good thing to do. Going to a therapist to sort your feelings and make a game plan would also be a great help. It's probably better that you not make any major decisions until you've had some treatment. I can feel the pain in your message and what you've said leads me to believe that you'll probably be leaving the marriage but still see a therapist. Everything will be ok. You'll make a decision that is right for you and there will be pros and cons for each decision but you can make your peace with it and move in the right direction...whatever that is. Good luck.

Thanks so much for the kind words. Honestly in my head I've already tapped out, but my wife is such a good person, she really wants me to be happy but I just find myself wanting more. And I need more because I've struggled my whole entire life, I've never experienced happiness with another person. I really want to come home happy to see my wife and ask her about her day. Is it so bad to want more in life? On the other hand, people might think why would you want to give up your family for something that's wishy washy? Why would I give up a family for your own selfish needs? You have a good wife, she's loyal and caring, how could I do such a thing.

But anyways, I'll be going to the psychiatrist to see if he can fix my mental health issues, which I have a lot of.

That's a tough situation to be in...
I think going to a psychiatrist is a very good idea, because it's clear you'll have to make some difficult decisions.
Do you think you have doubts about your marriage because you love this other woman or do you maybe think about her so much because your marriage is troubled?
You say that you have two beautiful daughters. You clearly love them so try to keep in mind that your decisions will affect them too.
I hope you find some clarity. Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one.

Yes, I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist, hopefully it goes well.

I had doubts about my marriage ever since we got married. She's a great person, caring, loving, and respects me. I care about her, I want her to be happy and have a good life. But I never felt like I could treat her the way she should be treated, like how a couple in love treats each other. I loved someone else when I married my wife thinking that maybe I'll forget about the other woman one day (big mistake). I have never been able to forget her, even after 6 years. It wasn't bad at first but it gets worse and worse over time. To the point where you look back and reallize that you made a huge mistake, feel like a complete loser for not pursuing who you love.

I would rather be rejected by someone I loved than to "almost" had her but never "had" her. You know what I mean? I'd rather be hurt and then I'll forget about them then to reallize that you could have had them. So, I'm left with a lot of blank lines that needs to be filled.

For example, I thought about her occasionally during our marriage so I would look her up on FaceBook so maybe I could find a reason to stop thinking about her or just to snoop around. (I did this with another woman and it worked, I stopped thinking about her because she was married). Jeez, I absolutely was unable to shake her off my mind. So, I told myself to stop looking her up on Facebook so I could forget about her, but about a year later, I would find myself in the same situation, I just could not resist looking her up on Facebook. So, I looked her up and found out that she's in a relationship and it is just the worst situation to be in.

My mind started to take me back before I got married. I get flash back when I slow danced with her, she held me so close, I could tell she was so nervous she could barely talk. Then my mind would take me back when we were at a party and she tried to talk to me (she was alone) when I was with my girlfriend (current wife). Some of the images in Facebook, my mind would convinces me that these are the times when she either found out that I got married or when she missed me. She was the most beautiful person I've ever, most popular person anywhere she goes (because she's pretty and funny). She's like the most perfect, wholesome person ever.

These flash backs just sucks the air out of your lungs. Deep depression sinks in, and the thought of another man with her feels like a big giant hand choking your neck. You just want to hang yourself. This voice tells me that I am the biggest loser in life, that I need to die because there is no reason to live in this world. You've lost everything in life, you have no friends, you don't love your wife, and you are miserable. You feel like you were born with the short straw, born to lose, fail, and miss out on everything, and it is the truth.

I believe my marriage has been in trouble but not as bad, I'm just unhappy. I am annoyed with my wife about a lot of things. I don't feel passion for her and I don't have romantic feelings with her. We don't ever have sex and I always feel like I am obligated to do it. You know I hate thinking about my wife this way and I feel terrible but I just find myself unhappy with her and our marriage. Our kids is just about the only happiness in my life. I love my children dearly, I like playing and talking with them, but I shut down when I talk with my wife. I feel terrible because she deserves a lot more than me. I believe she is also stuck because it would be more difficult for her to find a suitable person. She would have to work more if she was with someone else. I just wish that I had ended our relationship before it go staretd but I do not regret having our two children, they are good for the world.

I think it's important that you figure out what you really want before you take any big steps. Therapy will help with that.

You are NOT a loser. Everyone does things they reget (I'm divorced after only a year of marriage so I should know). But most are able to move on.

You make her out to be some perfect woman, but nobody's perfect. It's easy to forget that when you're in love. Especially if you love from a distance. I know you don't want to hear this, but it's risky to let your entire happiness depend on a woman that's already in a relationship.

I wish I could help you more, but you are the only one who can figure this out... Let me know how therapy went?

The only thing I want to ask you is to try to remember that the choises you make, affect your kids too. You sound like a good father so I think you will.

Thanks. I try to be a good father to them. I just want to be able to love my spouse, I want to be happy to see her. I want someone who I can tell stories and be proud of. I want a companion, someone I can hold close. Someone who I appreciate and motivates me. I am tired living with a spouse who I just see as a roommate and my kid's mom. I don't have a wife, I treat my wife like she's a close friend than a wife. I can't seem to be able to do that ever since we got married.

I will see how the therapy goes, and also see a marriage counselor as well. It will be individual counseling though.

It's normal to want these things in a relationship and I really hope you find a way to be happy.
You know where to find me if you want/need to talk!

How did you end up married to your wife and not to the other woman?

But you never really had a relationship with this "other" woman ... it sounds like you're infatuated with the idea of the other woman but you hardly know her? Or do you? Did you two have an intimate relationship?

You're right. Your wife doesn't deserve to be second best.

I'm sorry for my incredibly long post, I need to get all these feelings out of my head. I feels like I have nobody to talk to.

I met my wife at our former workplace. There was some attraction but there was almost no chemistry between us. I was comfortable with her. It started out well you know, I really wanted to love her forever. I had found some flaws and annoyances in her but I thought that I could suppress those things for her better qualities. But at the same time, I was also falling for the other women as well. I never pursued this other women who I had a lot of chemistry with, I was head over heels for her. I was scared because I had a lot of insecurities, I'm a very attractive looking guy with a lot of insecurities.

We know each other through friends so it was hard for us to talk. At a party one night, there was a romantic song that came on, and I mustered all my strength to ask her to dance. She held me so close, it felt so good and romantic. We were more like hugging than dancing. I can still her soft body, I felt so complete. And I swear, it was the happiest day of my life, the whole world was so beautiful. The next morning, the grass was so green, flowers were so beautiful, I've never seen the world in this beautiful way before. You are literally high on dopamine.

(Here goes my head formulating stories): I think she tried to find/pursue me two or three times after that night, in which both times, I was with my girlfriend (now my wife). I could never talk to her though because I had no "game" with women and I was with my GF. The first time was when she showed up at our friend's house by herself, her excuse was to hang out with by buddy's sister, but I was with my GF that day. The second time was when she tried to talk to me at my friend's engagement party, and once again, I was with my girlfriend.

So, there was something that happened, a spark happened but we never finished it. I fell madly in love with this woman but I never gave each other the chance to find love or she could have dumped me. I could have moved on quicker if I knew that she never felt anything for me. But, I know in my heart that something happened between us.

Before I got married, I tried to find her through Facebook and Myspace to find closure. She deleted her Myspace account a long time ago and I could not find her on Facebook (she used a different name). I wanted to ask her if she had felt something for me before I get married. I was confused at the same time because I thought that it was just lust and obsession. I thought that I was being desperate and pathetic so why would she even like me. And so, as the wedding date came, I got married, thinking that one day I will forget about her and all my fantasies. I'm an easy going guy, I'm a people pleaser, and I don't like confrontations. I usually go with the flow of things and let things happen. I have a lot of insecurities and problems so I thought that marrying my current wife will help the situation out. Boy, was I wrong about that.

I was never happy in our marriage, and to sum up a long story, I don't really like being around my wife. I cannot watch a movie alone with her because she will ruin a good movie. She's a good person but I find myself to rather be alone than to hang out with her. That is sad but it has been the truth for a long time.

For a long time, I thought about the other woman occasionally but never had a strong urge to find her. Until one night, I had a dream with her in it. In the dream, I listened to her talk about a flood that happened to her family and I remembered saying something like "my poor love." Her voice was like an angel, it felt so good to hear her talk, I could listen forever. And at the end of the dream, we held each other close, I was the happiest guy on earth, the world was a beautiful place again, my life was complete, my heart filled with content.

And then I woke up! I felt this intense pain in my chest because I know that this won't ever happen. I woke up one day knowing that I married someone who I don't really love. I care about my wife but I find myself in a loveless relationship. I want the best for her, I want her to be happy, I want her to have a good life. But in my heart, I know that I also want to give a good life to someone who I truly loved. But that person is with someone else now because I decided to get to someone else before we could be together. I realized that I had made a mistake, it is truly the worse feeling ever. She literally has everything she wants, a good family, brand new vehicle, built a brand new house, and two beautiful children. One thing that I couldn't give was my heart because it is so difficult to let someone go.

I never proposed to my wife, she asked to marry me. She literally took me to the jewelry store to buy a ring. I was never happy in the process. As the wedding date neared, I couldn't back out of the wedding because the date was already planned, the guests were invited and party and everything was all set up. I did tried to cancel the wedding with my wife but when I told her she deserved someone who can love her more, she cried and broke down. She told me to leave because she said that I would feel terrible if I watched her cry like that. I couldn't leave her like that so I comforted her, she told me to give marriage a try, if it don't work, we'll figure it out then.

And I wondered if I felt this way because I fell in love with someone else. I wasn't happy even before I had this infatuation. The infatuation intensified the unhappiness, it made me want to escape. It brought out all my emotions and it literally forces me to do something about my unhappiness. I tried to suppress all these feelings for years. She knew that I stayed for the children and I was okay with that for a very long time. I didn't know that it isn't good to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids either. I was unhappy but the kids made me want to work hard for the family. I thought that if I just sacrifice myself for the kids, eventually everything will be fine. Apparently there is a next level to your unhappiness in a marriage, and at this level, you want either escape or continue to fight the battle. I've never told my wife about my unhappiness but she knows. She can tell that I am going through an extremely tough time, she told me to tell her how bad it is. I told her it is not very good and I am going to go see a psychiatrist for help. She knows I'm going through depression.

Waking up one day to find yourself married to someone who you don't have feelings for is the worse situation to be in. You feel like you in jail when you stay for the kids. You look out of the jail cell to see the woman of your dream with someone else. Your heart aches, you regret every decision you made. You feel weak, even walking is difficult at times due to flash backs. You feel incredibly sorry for everything that you did and didn't do. You feel sympathy for people who struggle because you know how the pain is so difficult to bear. You are forced to look for answers because of the unbearable pain, you gasp for air under dark rain clouds all day. You are broken in pieces while the world expects you to perform as usual. The depression is so real and you are ready to give up on life. It feels like your life is so long, you just wish that your life span is a lot shorter.

SeaweedKelp;

I've read your posts and here's what I think.

You don't need a psychiatrist's opinion, or a prescription of antidepressants to help you accept what you knew deep down 5 years ago: that you didn't want to marry your wife, but you did it anyway to please her.

I think it's obvious that you may want to consider divorce at this point. Better to do it now, at the five year mark, then wait another twenty years being married to your wife.

Yes, divorce is unpleasant, but I think it's your best option at this point. You and your wife can be good co-parents to your two daughters.

Where is the other woman now?

Thanks for saying that, and thanks for reading these incredibly long posts.

I believe I truly want a divorce. Just thinking about it brings relief. I don't want to do it because of selfish reasons either. I don't want to do it and then later on regret not trying harder because it was my own problems. I don't want to get a divorce and find out that she was actually the best match for me, you know what I mean? She's a good person, she does chores around the house, cooks, cleans, and does her best to please me. She does everything that I ask. She is annoying at times but they are little things. The bigger problem is that I have trouble giving her the 100% love that she deserves.

Like I said, I want my wife to be happy, to be secure in her life, and to also have someone who loves her (which I have trouble giving her). She can have everything that she wants and needs, I do not want anything from her. I don't mind supporting her even in divorce because she really cared about me 100%. I don't want to ruin her life either, hopefully the two kids that we had together was enough.

The woman of my dream and infatuation is currently dating someone for two years now. She has finally announced that she was together with him after two years on Facebook. They are not married yet but I expect my heart to be crushed in a couple years when I find out that they are engaged and married.

Trust me, my mouse and finger has been over that "Add as Friend" button many many times. I want to reach out and tell her everything that's in my head but I can't do it. I couldn't cheat on my wife either. I am actually cheating on her but not in the physical sense but I just can't help myself. The only way that I would reach out to her is after a separation or divorce. What would she think of me if I go looking for her when I'm married? I hope her boyfriend realizes how much she means to somebody out there, and treat her accordingly.

Love is the most powerful thing, it takes over your life quite literally. It can break or make you.