Married but can't stop thinking about another woman

I have been with my wife for about 5 years and have been married for about 1.5 years and we are expecting our first child in October.
We have had our ups and downs like most couples but have been fighting more than normal for the past several months, not sure if maybe its hormones or stress or something else.
Our sex life has been non existent for quite some time other than when we were trying to conceive and I know neither of us has been doing as good of a job as we could be to make the other as happy as we probably should be.
Earlier this year I met this woman and we slowly have gotten to know each other a little better. I wouldn't even really say I know her that well at this point. I typically see this person once a week for a few hours because of work. Its usually in a group setting, we have never been alone together for more than a few minutes at a time. Over the past few weeks my attraction towards her has been growing to the point that I can't stop thinking about her. Its not just physical, although i do think she is beautiful, its hard to explain just What it is about her. Its been about a month or so that I've been feeling this way. When I wake up I'm thinking about her, when I goto bed I'm thinking about her, throughout the day I'm constantly thinking about her, even when I'm with my wife I can't help but think about her, when I close my eyes I can see her face.
I know its normal to be attracted to others and im sure its even normal to have crushes on others even while being married but I can't see how this is normal. I've been reading up on similar situations people have gone through but I'm struggling with my emotions right now.
First and foremost I want to do what's best for my child as she will be innocent and should not suffer because of my actions. After reading all of these websites one of them gave what I thought was good advice, it said to try and forget the new woman think of loving things your wife has done for you but I'm struggling to do that as I end up reverting to thoughts of the other woman even while trying to think of my wife.
I can't remember for sure but I don't think I felt this way about my wife back when we met which has me questioning is my wife really "the one" or could this new woman possibly be "the one" I can't remember ever feeling this way before. I don't know if these feelings will last or if its just infatuation but I don't want to be unfair to my wife.
I think this woman may have feelings for me as well but I can't say for sure. I want to ask her if she does because I feel like maybe if she doesn't feel the same way that will help me get over this but I don't know if that's a good idea.
I just don't know what to do, I'm at a loss with all of this. In a perfect world when my daughter is born im hopeful I will forget about this woman but the way I'm feeling right now I just don't know if that's going to happen.
I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions, I don't know where else to turn

Some background about your relationship with your wife would help.

Also, welcome to the forum!

thank you for having me and trying to help.

When we first started dating we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was very passionate.
Being a typical man, I was overjoyed because of this.
It was like this for maybe one year. We never fought or had disagreements at this point. As time went on our sex life dwindled, we had the odd argument here and there. We have a lot of common interests and did a lot of activities together. She had started a new career back then and was very stressed with work. She had a couple surgeries on her ankle and a lot of the things we used to do together were no longer possible and some of these things I still do by myself so that I can keep active and healthy and I think perhaps she holds this against me because Things were good for a while after but I think after her second surgery things seemed to change with her. She was a pretty active person before her surgeries and I think part of it was she lost her stress relief abilities with those surgeries. She used to be more positive and optimistic but now she's generally negative and pessimistic. I tried suggesting new activities that wouldn't be affected by her ankle but she can't seem to get over not being able to do the things she once loved doing and wants no part of anything else.
I've told her this many times that we were happiest back when we had an active sex life but she's never in the mood anymore. I'm not saying this is all her as I know I'm not doing enough to try and get her in the mood emotionally. I'm not a very emotional person and have a hard time expressing myself. I think maybe I just got complacent and accepted things the way they were.
We work opposite shifts so we don't usually see much of each other 2-4 days a week. We get along for the most part but lately we seem to be having similar arguments every week. I think part of it is we are both too stubborn to change our ways.
She is an excessive worrier about many things and I don't worry about things unless I think it's important so we will often disagree about things because of that. I've tried telling her we don't need to agree on everything and she thinks I'm just trying to do the opposite of what she wants. I will often disagree with my friends intentionally just because that's how the dynamic of our friendships work so I think she feels I'm doing the same to her because I don't necessarily agree with her.
I'm like any other man, if I'm getting sex regularly life is good, so I'm really hoping part of this attraction is because I'm not getting any action at home but I fear it might be more than that, I honestly don't know what these feelings are

Did you ever have a crush before you met your wife? Because from the way you write about this woman, you spend a few hours with her every week in a group setting and only a few minutes alone - in other words you don't really know her, it sounds to me exactly like a crush. Crushes can be powerful things, but they are all within us, our dreams and desires, rather than any basis in reality.

How you feel about this woman is right now all inside your head, and unless you make a move on her it will stay that way. Perhaps she is representing something, a need or desire, that you have within you but do not recognise. It may be to do with your relationship with your wife and how that is changing (it does change, that is natural, and there are big changes underway with parenthood). Most likely it has very little to do with her and a lot to do with yourself.

Personally if you value your marriage I would take steps not to acquaint further with this other woman, I would look at your relationship with your wife and focus on that - what do you feel is lacking and what will it take to bring that relationship back to the place where it was.

If you do not value your marriage (& it's not my place to tell you that you should) then I would urge you not to make a move on this woman until you have ended your marriage. Otherwise there will be a lot of heartbreak.

Remember, strong though these feelings are they will eventually burn out, crushes do eventually. Even if you did get together with this woman that intensity would eventually burn out. It might help to acknowledge these feelings, not panic, but file them under 'crush' and go and do something else. If you can't focus on your wife then how about you make something special for your little girl? There is nothing like the birth of your first child and I urge you to enjoy this time of anticipation - it flies by so quickly.

Treat those "other woman" thoughts as intrusive thoughts.

Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it everytime she pops into your head.

Worked wonders for me...

I think this crush is representative of what you're lacking in your marriage right now. You have passed the honeymoon period and are experiencing growing pains. Your wife may be feeling the same way. If you can, work on building or improving the areas of your marriage that you feel are lacking and communicate with your wife about your feelings (not the crush) and getting your needs met. Good luck and best wishes.

This is very sad that your marriage has lost so much warmth this early in the game, and it does appear that it's not all your fault. It will take a deep commitment to get back to some semblance of normal, and you need your wife to care enough to work on it too.

I really don't believe in the concept of their being such a thing as "the one." There are any number of women in this world with whom you could have had a good marriage. I believe that is true for everyone. Unfortunately, we don't thoroughly know someone, usually, until after being married to them for a few years. At that point, we sometimes find we made a mistake. With your wife half-ways through a pregnancy, this is not the time to second-guess your choice of a wife. Do the best you can by her. It wouldn't be wrong, IMHO, to sit down with her and try to reach an understanding that you both need to put more into this marriage. The lack of sexual intimacy is a very bad sign. I don't often recommend marriage counseling, but I would for you two. After the baby arrives, you won't have a lot of time, and stress on both of you will go up. Some couples counseling now might save the marriage before it's too late. In October, her focus will be the baby. You'll feel even more neglected. Turn this thing around before the due date . . . or die trying.

Yes, you have a crush. Don't go asking that woman if she has "feelings" for you. She'll think you're an idiot. Try to see less of her, if that's possible. When you do chit-chat with her mention that you're awaiting a baby. That will help put the two of you onto an appropriate footing with each other.

As you go through life, you will, from time to time, meet women who are more beautuful than your wife . . . and sexier . . . and more lots of other things. That doesn't mean your wife was the wrong person to marry. She has a quality that many more attractive women will lack: she wanted you. Hopefully she still does.

Maybe this marriage will fizzle out. But give it your best for the next two years, and then see where you and your wife are. Keeping your family intact has many rewards that you have yet to experience. Don't compare your wife to the hotties you bump into out in the world. It's so easy to idealize women you've never actually been in a relationship with. They all come with problems.

Thanks everyone for your input, I value each of your opinions.
I've had crushes before just never that consumed my mind like this and that's what scares me. I really do hope this is just a crush. I would never cheat on my wife so I will not be acting on these feelings. As I said I know I don't know this woman very well but cutting her out of my life entirely is simply not possible right now. I've been trying to limit my interactions with her when we are working together but its very difficult to do so and as a result I feel like I'm getting to know her a little better each time.
My wife and I have said some harsh words to each other in anger and she has said to me on more than one occasion that she thinks she will be a single mom one day. I think that has kind of been playing in the back of my mind a little bit as well during all of this, like maybe I would be doing her a favor if I wasn't with her, ultimately I would like for her to be happy. Call me selfish, by at the same time too though, I would like to be happy.
I obviously want what's best for my child and I know that would be in a loving household with a mother and father who love each other. I would say our fights have slowly been getting worse with time and I fear if things keep progressing this way that eventually it would be a bad environment for a child. I know we need to do something to stop this before it gets to that point. The fact that she's pregnant just complicates things further. I realize our lives are going to drastically change once this baby is born, I don't want this baby to suffer because of our actions.
I agree that there are a number of woman who I could have had a happy marriage with but I guess I'm a bit of a romantic and also believe there is that one special person for everyone. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe Hollywood is partly to blame, that's just what I believe.
We try to talk once in while, we both listen to each other and hear what the other is saying but nothing ever seems to change.
This woman knows we are expecting a child, our interactions have not been flirtatious by any means, its strictly been professional, but I can't help but feel there is something between us. I truly hope I'm wrong but I'm just second guessing myself now. What if there really is something special with this woman that I don't have with my wife.
A couple of you said you think may be this woman represents something I'm missing, what do you think that could be? I know this is purely subjective but maybe you can open my eyes to something.
I still feel like I could be in the honeymoon stage with my wife if she would show me physical love like she used to but she doesn't feel that way. I know I need to give her more emotional love but its hard for me to do that when I don't get physical love.
Sorry, you all made some good points and I realize I'm kind of all over the place with my thoughts but my head is a mess right now.

Infatuations can make a crush seem really intense. I mean like extremely.

But its not love, its not "the one"...

Its fantasy and projection.

Hi Doug - I think all relationships go through honeymoon phase which wears off and we tend to forget. So whilst you question if you ever initially felt that way about your wife, I think that the honeymoon phase was definitely there - "When we first started dating we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was very passionate."

You are more than likely subconsciously emitting a vibe to this woman at work and on SOME kind of level she may realise there's an attraction but just not admit it - she knows you're a married man and shouldn't be thinking that you'd be thinking about her, in that way.

My two cents worth is that this would be an extremely bad idea -

"I think this woman may have feelings for me as well but I can't say for sure. I want to ask her if she does because I feel like maybe if she doesn't feel the same way that will help me get over this but I don't know if that's a good idea."

It's playing with fire and putting temptation in both of your hands.

Focus on that which is good. A new baby arriving can be a very stressful time; and yes; it can take quite a while to get your lives - especially your sex lives back together. But it's not impossible for it to be the same way it was. You just need to be utterly willing to do it.

Focus your energy and attention that you invest in this other woman towards your wife and you may hopefully start to see some changes.

Do something small for your wife to show her your appreciation. Flowers, a simple dinner, even making dinner etc can go wonders.

I think you have answered your own question about what you may be missing. It sounds like the lack of physical relations with your wife is a big issue here, in pregnancy that is fairly common (hormonal changes fear of hurting the baby) but you say this was going on before the pregnancy.

People can and do have differing desires and that can fluctuate over time too, but is this something you have discussed calmly and honestly (not in the midst of an argument)? For many of us (not just men!) sex is an important part of romantic connection. Obviously she is fairly well on in her pregnancy so now is not the time to push matters but it is possible in pregnancy to be intimate without full intercourse.

It's clear you are missing that intimate connection with your wife, and maybe a little worried about letting her down (from the single parent talk). I like Crazy Hitches advice about making time for you both, a home cooked meal works wonders, a foot rub too for that matter (that's another way to be physically intimate and connected with each other). It may be that you two can talk honestly and calmly and you can confide in her about your worries and let her know how much you want to be with her as you were in the beginning. I think she will appreciate you being open and vulnerable with her (but I don't advise being so open you tell her about your crush).

Sometimes people get to this state in a relationship where a couple get defensive (when there have been angry words said) but that doesn't mean a couple are doomed - talking openly and without reproach/blame is often what it takes to help rekindle that intimacy and connection.

I have to say I agree with those who cautioned against a belief in 'the one' - it is a form of 'black & white' (all or nothing) thinking, and it can lead people to believe that a bit of a trouble in a relationship means they aren't really with 'the one'. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have seen people go through several relationships in this way, leaving a trail of kids behind them. Life partnerships can be very fulfilling and a great source of happiness but they are not magical or fated, they require effort and maintenance from both parties to work well. Hollywood has a lot to answer for IMO.

I'm going to repeat my advice about marriage counseling, which I rarely see as a solution to most problems I read about here. Your wife seems to have a really awful attitude toward her marriage. She expects to be a single mom someday? That's a dreadful thing to say. IMHO, you need to express to her that it is terribly offensive for a woman to say that to her husband. And you need to get offended. Don't let stuff like that just float by you. A comment like that is a huge, bright, flashing warning signal that something is very, very seriously bothering your wife. You don't let it just pass or say it's hormones. Tell your wife you take that remark very seriously and you expect her to discuss what's behind it. Then hold her feet to the fire on this, pregnant or not. There are healthy ways for couples to fight, but that's not one of them. She's sniping and, then, hiding in the foliage. Either she's aware of your wandering eye and very hurt by it, or something else. Women tend to grasp a lot, while men walk around clueless. I've read and heard so many guys say, "I thought everything was going great and then my wife left me." You need to tune in. That remark of hers should have sounded to you like an air-raid siren. Don't blow it off. You have a right to hold her accountable. Demand to know what that remark is about. That remark, combined with the no sex (in a woman who was formerly responsive,) is your wife screaming at you that she is bitterly - yes, bitterly - unhappy. Why?

Maybe she just has a bad attitude. Maybe she came from a home where marriage wasn't taken seriously because her father cheated, and she just expects marriage to fizzle out. I don't know her background; you do.

If she doesn't have a fundamentally bad attitude, then she doesn't believe you are really commited to her. It's one or the other. But this needs to be put on the table and looked at.

Also: stop tangling up your marital commitment to your crush on this young woman at work. Whether or not you should leave your wife doesn't depend on whether or not this other woman would have you. Uncouple these two things. Your marriage is in trouble, and you happen to have a crush on someone. Don't tangle these two things up, or you will be completely confused.

Tell your wife, "We need to talk." and be very firm about it. There's a lot going on in her brain that you have no idea about.

Thanks again everyone for your responses. You are definitely helping me put things in perspective but it's still very confusing in my head right now.
There is no doubt I had the honeymoon phase with my wife and I loved seeing her as much as possible, what I'm saying is I don't remember the feelings being as strong as they are now with this new woman, maybe they were, it was a long time ago I honestly can't remember.
I used to make these little things for my wife which I haven't done in a while so last night I tried to make one for her, I was able to focus my thoughts on my wife briefly before I started thinking about the other woman.
I know I'm missing the physical love part with my wife and I've told her this as well. She tells me she needs emotional love in order to be physical which I can understand but I try to give her emotional love the best I can but I'm not getting the physical love in return which is kind of deflating if you will.
I'm not getting any physical attention from the other woman so I'm not sure how she would represent that need of mine?
I don't think you are being to harsh, I'm looking for honest opinions and don't need them sugar coated.
It has been a while since I've cooked her a nice meal, we have just been so busy lately, I will make an effort to do that this weekend.
I don't know if I would say my wife has an awful attitude towards marriage as much as I would say she's generally a negative person and always expects the worst. To me it comes off as though she thinks the world and life are out to get her. She says it's not that but that's how I perceive her outlook on things.
I've told my wife that was a very offensive thing to say when she told me she thinks she will be a single mom. She said she was angry and didn't mean it. She has said a couple other things that were on par with that if not worse which I won't repeat. I'm not innocent by any means, I know I've said offensive things to her as well but I don't think what I said was anywhere near as offensive as what she said. I know her saying those things are bad and her comments have stuck with me because if it. I generally don't let things bother me or stay with me do i know its bad that they are in fact still with me.
I think I can confidently say my wife is unaware of my "wandering eye" as you put it.
If her father cheated im unaware of it. Her parents seem happy to me but my wife thinks they are going to get divorced. She knows better than I do obviously but I don't get that vibe.
I'm trying to keep this woman separate from my marriage but everything I do weather with or without my wife brings me to thoughts of this woman which is driving me crazy. It's a really bad struggle right now.
Just talking about seems to be helping a little, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this in person so I truly do appreciate all of you taking time to help me

Snap the rubber band. HARD.

You may not be getting physical attention from this woman but your mind is turning to her, and likely this is an element of fantasy - you already mentioned the idea of 'the one'. She is giving you attention (albeit casual talk and a smile) without any of the worries of a real life long term relationship - it's a kind of escapism possibly.

It sounds like you and your wife have a lot you need to discuss. I think it's a really positive move you are making things for her and planning a meal, personally I think these small loving actions are very important in a long term relationship.

Rebuilding the emotional intimacy (by talking openly and without reproach, and small acts of loving kindness) is a work in progress, it will be small steps and may not seem at first like anything is changing but steadily you can rebuild it if you both make each other a priority.

As for your thoughts about this woman, well you can try techniques like the rubber band or replacing your wandering thoughts about her with ones about your wife and daughter to be, those are good suggestions IMO. But try not to stress out about it, they are just thoughts you are having, you aren't acting on them, acknowledge them and let them pass. These thoughts do not mean you are a bad husband or your marriage is doomed.

Your wife has a seriously disturbed view of life. It sounds like she wants to have something to be mad about. This prolonged rejection of physical intimacy with you is not okay. Love making in a marriage is not optional. Even in Victorian times, to withhold physical affection and spurn one's spouse in bed was considered a breach of the marital contract. Rhett Butler told Scarlet O'Hara he had legal "grounds for divorce" on that basis. I'm not saying your wife should simply "do her duty," as was the expression in a byegone era, but she has a serious moral obligation to try and resolve whatever issue has her this troubled that she is not fully participating in the marriage. What she's doing (or not doing) was traditionally considered a form of mental cruelty. For her to simply say she does not feel "emotionally" loved" is too vague and too broad. Unless you're some kind of boorish dolt with a Neanderthal approach to women that we haven't caugt on to, she needs to spell out what's bugging her. If you are just a general clod when it comes to showing affection (which you don't sound like,) then why did she marry you in the first place?

Obe psychologist that I used to listen to on the radio had a saying: "When things change, it's because something changed." I have found that to be true. Everything has a cause. A woman who was formerly responsive and eager for sexual relations stops wanting sex and even rejects advances is reacting to something. What is it? Think back to when her rejection of you started. Something precipitated this. You two knew each other for 3 and 1/2 years before you got married, which is a decent length if courtship. The marriage wasn't a "shotgun" affair. The pregnancy began after some months of being married. All of this is what I consider ideal. Now she seems sorry she ever married you. Do you have any idea what got her into this mindset?

Somehow you're not connecting the dots, or your wife has some serious emotional problems that you just haven't known about. In any case, I think your wife has a real mental disorder. This is beyond being a negative type of person. This is beyond her being a pessimist. She deals with disappointment and/or resentment by, basically, sulking. That is a bonafide mood disorder, or personality disorder. She needs to be made aware that this cannot go on. You cannot be passive in the face of this, or you enable the behavior. And this is so unfair to the child soon to land in the middle of this. The remedy is not to dissolve the marriage and you pursue finding "the one." A good faith effort on both your parts to resolve this is the moral obligation you both took on when you got married and, again, when you got pregnant. Is your wife, on some front, not happy about the pregnancy? If you honestly can't figure out why your wife's attitude shifted so drastically, you need to get the two of you to counseling, dragging her, if that's what it takes.

It's note-worthy that you didn't entitle this thread "My wife rejects me." You seem, instead, more preoccupied with how there is this other woman who just might be "the one" and you're dying to know if she has "feelings" for you because it seems like there's something "special" between the two of you. Of course, getting rejected at home makes you more susceptible to feelings of attraction outside the home, but you do seem awfully eager to move on to another relationship. I believe you that your wife doesn't know about this particular attraction you feel, but could it be causing you to act so bored with your wife that she knows something is missing in your feelings for her.

I read your posts again, and I see the bit about the ankle surgery making a change in your wife's life. I'm looking for a "precipitating stressor," and maybe that's it. IDK . . . that doesn't quite seem enough of an explanation. But maybe you can use that as an excuse to get your wife into counseling. Maybe tell her you are concerned that she seems depressed since the surgery and the way it curtailed her activity and you are afraid you aren't supporting her effectively and you want help to make things better for the both of you. She sounds stubborn, but I hope you can budge her on this. If the nice approach fails, then get angry. I don't believe you can let this go on without your marriage eventually going down the drain. Right now that may not seem so awful to you because you've got this fantasy of how glorious life could be, if you were free to pursue "the one." It wouldn't be anyways near as great as the fantasy holds out, I promise you.

Thank you again for contributing your thoughts. Again some good points have been made. I'm still struggling trying to not think about this woman still.
I made my wife a small dinner before we had plans for the evening. Wasn't quite the romantic meal I would have liked but there wasn't time for that.
She seemed to appreciate it and I gave her the gifts I had made for her and she appreciated them as well.
We went out for the night and we disagreed on something on the way home and had a small argument, not really even a fight, it was very minor but I think part of it was neither of us wanted to fight so just let it be.
Later that night I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to hold my wife but all I could think about was this other woman and I felt guilty and I had to go back to my side of the bed. We got into a big fight a couple days later and talked very little with each other the rest of that day and the following day. I was feeling very distant from her and just couldn't bring myself to start up a conversation with her. I know I don't communicate well especially when angry. We eventually had a conversation and she feels I don't spend enough time with her, that's her biggest problem with things. I'm an extremely busy person especially in the summertime so I know I don't spend as much time with her as I should but it feels like every time we are together we get into these stupid fights so I think subconsciously maybe I'm not putting forth as much effort as I should to spend time with her. I told her my concerns during our talk and she seemed to listen and understand where I'm coming from. The thing was during most of this conversation my mind was wandering to thoughts of this other woman. I can't control myself, I just don't know how to get this woman out of my mind. I bruise easily so if I use the elastic band approach I will have a big purple spot around my wrist to explain so not sure that is the best technique for me. I'm mostly venting at this point as I don't have someone to talk to this about in person but I welcome any further comments

It seems impossible to rid your mind of these thoughts. That often happens. What if you simply accept that for the time being these thoughts are going to be around?

The thoughts are sort of like annoying house guests; you can't get rid of them at the moment but instead of railing against them you can accept their presence and go about your regular life. In other words, you can say to these thoughts "Oh there you are again", nonjudgmentally, and carry on with your commitments to your wife.

I agree with Bill, acknowledgement and acceptance may be the best way here.

It sounds like you made some real progress the last few days, set backs are inevitable, try not to be too discouraged by those.

It's really encouraging your wife wants to spend more time with you it shows she is still invested in your marriage - it's when people no longer care there are real problems. I know you say you're busy but how much of this are commitments you can't get out of? I recently felt I was busy too but chose to shelve some of my leisure time to spend more time with my spouse. I did enjoy my sport activities but decided my marriage was a priority. If there are things you can shelve then I'd do it, your wife is telling you she'd like more time with you, I think it's wise to listen.

Good advice above. It may not be possible to banish a thought from your mind, but that really has nothing to do with deciding what your current behavior needs to be.

I know I should forget about this woman it's just seemingly impossible right now.
I'm hoping more than anything that you are all right and eventually these feelings fade but right now I don't see the end in sight and it's frustrating. I don't expect it to happen overnight but I still can't help but think of this woman non stop and its making me feel guilty and as though I'm being unfair to my wife.
Most of the stuff that keeps me busy right now I can't get out of. There are a few hours more per week that I can probably free up. I need at least one night a week for myself to play ball as that keeps me sane, its my way of relieving the stresses life throws at me and right now when I'm playing I still think about this other woman but this is the only time I'm actually able to focus at least partly on something without her entering my mind as much as she would otherwise and I think I need that more than anything right now.

Don't try to do the impossible. These thoughts are not something you have willingly chosen and so they are not your fault. What if you accept that they are there for now, as suggested above?

It is entirely possible to have unwelcome thoughts hovering around in your head and still attend to your current responsibilities. People do it all the time. It may be frustrating, but enduring frustration goes with being a grown up.

If I keep telling myself to not think about a pink elephant, I'm going to keep thinking about a pink elephant. Long ago I received good advice when I was grieving a loss. A family member told me that the human mind can't really think about two things at once. He said that, if I get my mind busy with something that absorbs my attention, I will temporarily lose consciousness of my sad, distressing thoughts . . . at least for a while. That's one of the smartest things anyone ever told me. I forget, some times, to put it in practice. But, when I remember and do it, it works.

JD, you're not alone in this. The thing is, you're early into your marriage, whereas I'm on 15 years. My wife was a virgin when we met and there were never any passion or sparks in the beginning. There are a host of reasons (none I'm proud of) why I stayed. The blunt answer to all this is - and forgive me for being such a pessimist here - it doesn't get better if it was never there in the first place. You simply cannot force chemistry between two people. Yes, you can/will learn to "love" that person. But in most relationships, there is a bonding stage that normally takes place that forges a longer-term connection between people. If that stage is skipped, I don't know how to deal with that.

At the VERY least, you need to go to IC to work out your issues. MC is also in the cards for the two of you. All that said, you have a newborn on the way and that is going to change your lives forever, no matter what happens. So now is NOT the time to get your wife upset. She needs you 100%. This is your fist kid. It may sound trite, but you have no idea how life changes when the first child comes along.

Thanks again for everyone's help, I appreciate hearing different opinions.
I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel so guilty. Any advice how to deal with the guilt?
My wife definitely knows something is up now, I know I can't tell her about this but I'm struggling with how I try to explain why I'm acting differently with her