[fijiisland]

A man who has been married over 20 years. has a great life. started having affairs. tells a new affair partner that he wonders if he will ever find the love of his life. Then asks her if she thinks everyone has a love of their life out there somewhere. She tells him she doesn't know. Their affair continues. Then he asks her if it is bad that he really likes her. She doesn't give him an answer. He continues to act like he is really into this new partner.

He does seem a little needy, like he needs attention and is also very touchy.

Any advice of what this man is doing, what he wants? Sorry, I am just curious as to how people work?

[Artchic528]

Uhhhh....

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe ask the married man what he wants from you or what he's doing...

We can only speculate, best to hear it from the horse's mouth.

[Artchic528]

Usually, when a man is cheating on his wife with someone, they will cheat on anyone and everyone. Don't get involved romantically with him. It's only going to end up disastrous.

[Crazy Hitch]

I would never tango with a married man so there's no way that I could have an answer to your question.

I think you should also be asking what kind of man does this. His actions reveal a lot about his values and character.

[nicoleflynn]

a cheater, jerk.

[divine1966]

What kind of men? The ones with messed up morals and values? Married men with some decency don't sleep around.

What's he doing by asking all this? Making sure women go along with affairs. Keeps them hooked ( now they wonder if they are love of his life, yeah right).

Please use protection and check for STD often. Who knows who else he sleeps with. Geting STD especially HIV isn't worth it

[Sunflower123]

The man could benefit from therapy. He appears to have some issues. Having an affair with this man would be a losing proposition.

[A Red Panda]

The love of his life is the woman he married over 20 years ago, not the women he cheats with.

He's a sleaze bag who wants the best of all worlds and doesn't care how much he hurts the woman who had been with him for 20+ years because he takes her for granted.

If he had any real respect for her and didn't love her, he would leave that relationship. As he hasn't done that, it's pretty indicative that he is just stringing along any mistresses.

[Erebos]

Sounds like a guy who is very experienced at having affairs with younger women.
Giving just as much as they need to get hooked,but not so much that he feels guilty.
He hasn't left his wife yet, so it's a safe bet he won't. So that's one less thing to worry about.
It is perfectly possible to be possessive of more than one person at a time, that doesn't mean anything.except his cheating has made him insecure the same will happen to him.
I suspect he likes the idea of his mistress falling in love with him, but deep down doesn't really want things to be that complicated.
Either way he is going back to lay with his wife after dipping it in his mistress, and vice versa, so in my book a scum bag.

[Misssy2]

You got answers that were hard to hear...and I usually can look at a situation and get a different perspective than other people...but, I feel the same here...I think he is wanting you to tell him ..how much YOU love him...and how great he is...and feed his ego.

I think it is time to tell him to screw.

I had an affair with a married man when I was younger and I can honestly say it is one of the biggest regrets I have in my life..I look back and I wonder what was it about myself that I didn't feel good enough or strong enough to tell the man who was obviously USING ME...to screw...because that is in my opinion what married men who cheat do...use women to get a "new piece of ***"...

And I think it is usually the women that come across as vulnerable and having low self esteem because i was both those things when I was having an affair with that man.

It was over 35 years ago...and I hate that man for pulling me into his need to fill his ego...

[Venefica]

Why is he having the affair in the first place? Is this his first and only foray in to the world of infidelity? I've known a lot of men who have affairs, and they're not all chronic jerks. There are very different types...there are the ones who make a hobby and pastime of it, ones who make a total mockery of the values of marriage. Then there's the kind who have just grown away from their partner, are aging and feel lonely and insecure, and don't know how else to feel good again. Or the ones that are themselves cheated on by their spouse, or the ones whose wives are terminally or chronically ill, and unable to be intimate for whatever reason, and so on.

As a shot in the dark, it sounds to me like the second variety, but there's not really enough info to go on. Please be more specific...don't be afraid to use specific pronouns, like "I" statements. As in, "I'm seeing a married man. He told me that he loved me..." etc. I seriously doubt that anyone is going to recognize you unless your screen name is a dead giveaway and you know people who read this forum. Distancing yourself from your question sort of muddies the waters.

But, all in all, I can tell you that the kind of man who finds himself in that situation without his wife knowing about it is the kind of man who doesn't mind lying for the sake of his own happiness. And that it's pretty likely that he will be equally selfish when it comes to telling you the truth some day. Then again, not necessarily...just highly likely.

[fijiisland]

Yes, I have "talked" with a lot of married men, and there are ALL kinds!! Some are just cheaters and will never stop! others are not getting sex and thats what drove them to it and they wouldn't have otherwise.
This one claims he had an affair for a few years and said he thinks it saved his marriage. I do think he feels lonely and needs attention. I am trying to hold myself back because you never know what is true and what isnt!! He does say thing so me like "I hope you are happy with me", "I need to start working out to keep up with you",

I know he will never leave his wife and I dont want him to. I did mention to him that he is probably seeing other women and he claims he's not. I dont' think he is but he could be?? Sometimes I think I am in love with the whole affair thing and not really him. Though I do like him and like what we have. He did say "is it bad that I really like you", I didn't answer. then he said "sorry, he shouldn't be talking like that because he doesn't want to ruin what we have"

I have had other affairs and this I have to say is the best one. Yes, I know it is wrong. I just posted this because I try to figure people out

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by fijiisland

Yes, I have "talked" with a lot of married men, and there are ALL kinds!! Some are just cheaters and will never stop! others are not getting sex and thats what drove them to it and they wouldn't have otherwise.
This one claims he had an affair for a few years and said he thinks it saved his marriage. I do think he feels lonely and needs attention. I am trying to hold myself back because you never know what is true and what isnt!! He does say thing so me like "I hope you are happy with me", "I need to start working out to keep up with you",

I know he will never leave his wife and I dont want him to. I did mention to him that he is probably seeing other women and he claims he's not. I dont' think he is but he could be?? Sometimes I think I am in love with the whole affair thing and not really him. Though I do like him and like what we have. He did say "is it bad that I really like you", I didn't answer. then he said "sorry, he shouldn't be talking like that because he doesn't want to ruin what we have"

I have had other affairs and this I have to say is the best one. Yes, I know it is wrong. I just posted this because I try to figure people out

My therapist says that's a waste of time trying to figure out what's on other people's minds or why they do what they do. BUT it's not waste of time figuring out WHY you do what you do and what's on your mind. Debating and analyzing why this dude cheats or what he means by this or that will not uncover life's mystery and won't really give you insight into anything.

There is no deep meaning or profound truth in things this guy says. But working on why you do what you do will give you good insight on your own life. And that might uncover profound truth and mystery of life.

[moonglade]

Maybe they are friends with benefits or his wife knows it is an open relationship?!
If he is looking to find his soulmate, it is better to be single first though :scratchhead:

Why is the girl with him anyway? there must be a reason? He could also be going through midlife crisis

[Artchic528]

I honestly couldn't fathom sleeping with someone who sleeps around with multiple partners. I mean, the possibility of getting a lifelong STD from them is frightening.

[fijiisland]

Originally Posted by moonglade

Maybe they are friends with benefits or his wife knows it is an open relationship?!
If he is looking to find his soulmate, it is better to be single first though :scratchhead:

Why is the girl with him anyway? there must be a reason? He could also be going through midlife crisis

No, it is not an open relationship. He wife does not know anything! I also (the girl, yes its me!) have reasons for doing what I do. I don't expect anyone on here to understand. he doesn't even know why or any other man I have been with.
I can't be with a single man right now, I also have nothing to offer him. I am lonely and want attention and excitement.
I know it will hurt bad when it ends. I'm already hurting thinking about it

Are you discssing with a T why you feel you can only have a relationship with someone who will ultimately hurt you?

[fijiisland]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Are you discssing with a T why you feel you can only have a relationship with someone who will ultimately hurt you?

No I already know why. Therapists just make me feel worse.

[The_DollMage]

I try to stay realistic about relationships and the idea of "love" Thus I have found that entertaining the hope of there being one single person who has been made specifically for you is unhealthy and can lead to disastrous relationships.

If he has been married 20 years its easy to assume he is at least 40 years old but he seems to lack any real emotional maturity. The girl he is cheating on his wife with would be wise to take notice that he is probably in the midst of a midlife crisis and is prone to reckless life choices and she will likely face the same problems his wife is now.

[Frankbtl]

Hi fijiisland

I may be completely wrong........but to me it sounds like..........in an ideal world you would like to be having a real meaningful relationship with someone (single) there for/caring about/loving only you, but you just don't see that as possible in terms of fitting in with your feelings (generally or about yourself) or experiences............and the reasons you mentioned..........well they aren't "positive" reasons for you???
So do you think that maybe you could give us/me just the chance to try to understand??
And I'll certainly try to understand
If you don't want to, that's fine and no judgement, it sounds like maybe things have been hard enough for you (??) and if I'm wrong in what I'm thinking I'm sorry..........but I'm just hoping that maybe we can offer you some support in wanting/having "more" for yourself if you need that..........just.............if you want to talk...........

Alison

[fijiisland]

Yes, I would like to be in a "real" relationship. Deep down I don't want to do what I am doing. I am in a bad place and have been for some time. Doing what I do puts me in another world, gives me something for a moment. I am also very shy and have a hard time relating to people. I also don't feel i deserve anything. I feel I am destined to be thrown to the side. I know it has something to do with how I was raised and how I have been treated by pretty much everyone in my entire life. I want more for myself and want to get to a better place. When I get there I am hoping to end all of this. maybe. But at the same time my brain and thinking seems so messed up now from doing this for so long. I wouldn't know how to be with just "one" person, at least I think so. not sure.

[Bill3]

Do you see a therapist?

[Frankbtl]

Hi fijiisland

I think I do understand a lot of where you're coming from
But please correct anything I have wrong
Just something anything, whatever it is is better than "nothing" right now...........and even imagining there can be something real out there can seem so impossible/so out of your reach right now........and this fills a "gap" in you......but even the thought of touching on something real..........can be so scary or.........could you deserve it..........could you live up to it.........would you/when will you get hurt........would you/when will you get rejected.............and even the possibilities/thoughts of any of that happening can hurt more than right now...........that's even if you really believe you could get to such a place????
But wanting more.........wanting to be in a better place is an excellent start!!!
Honestly, I don't think that this is "just" finding "a switch" to click in your head, or maybe not finding "the right person" but perhaps about putting some of the onus back on the people who have treated you unfairly...........because they have (!!)..........and taking back some of that self-worth...........or developing that self-worth......this is about their failings not yours.......because you did/do deserve better.........and if you're struggling with that idea........even as a human being with feelings you did/do deserve better...........which I think you're realising deep down there
And you know, maybe gradually, I know it's hard (!!), you can work towards recognising that even being on your own (!!) is better than being with someone who's going to treat you as "second"........being "second" would even be perpetuating the way you're feeling about yourself right now, do you think??
Because, believe it or not.........you're, and what you're giving, is worth more than "second", you shouldn't have to be "second"..........and..........your feelings should matter
So........this is about you.........and putting you first......and setting real boundaries and real expectations.......and realising your worth........which I totally "get" must be seriously hard right now considering your experience

And now..........what may sound like "textbook stuff", but it does really matter (!!).........honestly, you will have positive traits...........things that you can (really) value about yourself, if you dig deep..........and they matter............they're all part of your worth.......maybe if you can see them more for yourself......and they should matter to others (that matter) too.........others who want the best for you...........and in relationships who, as you find them, will put you "first"............
And you deserve to have boundaries.........to have expectations..........to have that "first" in a relationship real!!

So...........one step at a time, hey??
Maybe try to fill a bit of that "gap" with knowing that you do matter, that you don't need something from anyone to tell you that or "fill a gap"!!
And if we're talking about relationships, friendships, whatever..........you're shy, that's OK Gradually confidence can be built with self-confidence..........you have time........and an excellent place to start...........with wanting more for yourself!!!



Alison