[greeneyes32]

Sorry for the novel…

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half (known him for 5). We decided to move in together starting in March and it seemed like the perfect idea, despite the fact that I do truly love living alone. Besides having bouts of major depression I'm very introverted and like being alone for days on end. But I figured this was a great next step in our relationship and we were both extremely happy (it isn't my first time living with a significant other so I kinda thought I knew what to expect).

Anyway, boyfriend has a 10-year-old cat. Let’s call him Jerkface. Jerkface was always nice enough to me when I would come visit. The cat even liked sitting in my lap from time to time. Jerkface hates almost everyone and will hiss and bite them (even cat owners we know loathe Jerkface). I think Jerkface realized there was something going on between boyfriend and me and so he should get used to me being around. Boyfriend was happy that Jerkface took a liking to me.

In March we moved in together to a completely new apartment. I said goodbye to my beautiful apartment and have been in hell every since. To be fair I’ve had a lot of major changes this year that have aggravated my depression, but the living situation has been a major factor.

The problem is Jerkface went berserk when we moved. Boyfriend then left for a month for work training and the cat viciously attacked our roommate to the point where she almost needed stitches (she’s also very allergic). The cat also tried to attack me when I came over to feed him. But boyfriend has been back for several months now and Jerkface is still a Jerkface.

The major issue I have is that Jerkface has been suddenly gifted over to me. He’s now my cat. I don’t want a cat. I’m not a fan, and the cat doesn’t want anyone but his original owner. But boyfriend no longer works from home and he keeps so busy with other stuff that he’s rarely around. So who has to put up with an animal that hisses, moans, bites, destroys furniture, gets up on kitchen counters, leaves massive amounts of hair all over the furniture and who vomits hairballs daily to clean up? ME! Boyfriend comes home late, plays with him for 10 minutes (at my request) and then comes to bed. Sometimes when he’s home at night he’ll watch TV and let the cat up on his lap. He’ll pet him while watching TV. That’s usually the extent of their contact.

Boyfriend goes to his part-time employment then fills his schedule with hobbies so that he’s almost never home. While I like keeping busy myself, I work from home full-time so I have no choice but to be around this animal that doesn’t want me around and who whines constantly or acts out because he wants boyfriend’s attention, even though boyfriend is never here.

I’m becoming extremely resentful that I have to put up with this animal when it’s his responsibility. I’ve tried everything to make this cat happy but seriously what about my happiness? I’ve talked to boyfriend about this until I’m blue in the face. All he does is apologize a lot. But the other night he actually had the audacity to say, “It’s like I’m giving my helpless baby to you to take care of.” Umm…what?! NO…..

I’ve tried cat forums but people keep telling me things like “Get another cat!” “Why don’t you give it more love and attention” or “Why don’t you give it a better life with more activities and stimulation”. I’m at my rope. Why is it MY responsibility to do any of these things? It’s my boyfriend’s pet! I’m all about giving an animal the best quality of life but at whose expense? My boyfriend doesn’t take care of his animal. I told him he needed to at least start picking up after the cat or I was done. He’s at least done that for the most part (I still live in a cat hair-infested world most of the time) but the cat still needs attention.

Because of this, I’m starting to hate this cat and what it’s doing to my life, and I feel like an awful person for saying this. Boyfriend doesn’t even seem to care about the cat since he’s never here to care for him, but yet the idea of rehoming him has him nearly in tears. I want to move out but unfortunately I can’t because he doesn’t make enough to afford the place with our roommate. I don’t know how to get through the next two years of this hell. I’ve become so depressed that I’ve become complacent in the fact that I’m just going to sit around miserable for two years. I don’t like feeling so low that I’ve abandoned hope.

And to see how he is with his own pet makes me worried about a future with children in it. Will I be the one doing all the work while he’s off having a grand ole time?

[lizardlady]

Greeneyes, I'm looking at this situation from the cat's perspective. Cats don't like change, some even more than others. First the cat is removed from the home it knows and moved to a new place. Then some person he sort of knows moves in. I'm not surprised he has acted out.

That said, there is no reason you should have to be responsible for the cat. If your boyfriend loves him so much he tears up at the idea of rehoming him he needs to man up and be responsible for him. If you love something, you take care of it.

You made a very good observation about your boyfriend and kids in the future. If he won't take responsibility for his cat now it's likely he won't take care of kids later.

Can I ask the point of the two of you living together if he is never home? Is it because he can't afford to live on his own? Have you considered the implications for the future? Do you want to support him the rest of your life while he goes out and has fun? There is no reason for you to have to be miserable because he can't support himself.

[greeneyes32]

Thank you so much for your response!

We've talked about marriage and I think we both wanted to see how well we would live together first beforehand. Kind of like a test run. At the time that we considered this move he had a full-time professional job that he loved. He was let go, however, due to the fact that he was condescending to coworkers.

After his stint in the IT world he sat around unemployed waiting for recruiters to call him. He then found a job that sounded like "fun" but he sat on his hands until I pretty much sat him down to write his cover letter. He got the job but apparently it's more of a fun summer job that kids in high school work temporarily, not a 36-year-old man. He's now taking out his retirement to survive. This is so not the man I know who was driven and passionate but also practical and level-headed. Is it possible that this is an early mid-life crisis?

I feel at a loss for words at how much he has changed. I've talked to him about it and he says a lot about what he plans to do, but not a whole lot of action happens. I know only I can make me wait, but I don't know how much time to give him before I just tell him I can't do this anymore.

[~Christina]

I would insist on couples counseling.

I agree with all points Liz made , no need for me to type that out.

I personally could not handle your situation with out him actively working on himself, and your relationship , what do you do when he is out having fun with his hobbies ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[greeneyes32]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would insist on couples counseling.

I agree with all points Liz made , no need for me to type that out.

I personally could not handle your situation with out him actively working on himself, and your relationship , what do you do when he is out having fun with his hobbies ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Couples counseling is actually a really great suggestion. Thank you Christina! I do worry he'll refuse because of finances on his part but I think it's absolutely worth mentioning either way.

It's so hard to see someone that you love go from highly motivated to working part-time hours and living off retirement. I love the idea of buying a house together and having kids at some point, but we certainly can't do that on just my salary alone and his minimum wage. Sometimes he finds it hard to even buy groceries.

When I'm not working I lead a pretty active lifestyle and so I'm usually at the gym or training in some capacity because I have career goals that lie outside what I'm currently doing and I want to get away from my desk job. But my depression has been so bad the last month or so that I'll take a break during the day to go to the gym but then I'll work really late hours if boyfriend isn't around because it's pay and at least it seems semi-productive. This usually means that I'm around most of the night to deal with the cat vomit and everything else that the cat wants to dish out while boyfriend is out all day and evening.

Some weeks we get absolutely no time together, other weeks we may get a night or two. Most of the time I feel like ships passing in the night.

[lizardlady]

Greeneyes, I see a ton of red flags in your replies.

He was let go for being condescending to coworkers.

He spends his evenings going out while you work to support the two of you and tend to the messes his cat makes.

He sat around waiting for recruiters to call him.

You basically had to write his cover letter.

I'm going to be very blunt. He is a little boy in a 36 year old man's body. My husband was the same way. Based on my experience with my husband and what I've heard from others unless something happens to force him to grow up he is going to stay this way the rest of his life.

Please give serious thought to marrying this person. You say you would like to buy a house and have children with him. Do you want to be the only responsible adult living in the house?

[cakeladie]

Greeneyes both Christina and Liz gave you awesome advice. Liz has 5 cats so she knows cats.

Marriage and relationships take work and that's what a lot of people do not get. If he is not willing to put in the work and that means holding down a good job and if he is only working part time right now then he should be doing more at home so that you do not have to since you have a full time job. It's give and take

Has for the cat. We have a 14 year old cat. He was about 4 weeks old when we got him. He was my daughters cat. She took him everywhere. All of a sudden she met this guy and she was gone. It took me weeks to get the cat out of the closet. He was depressed and scared kinda like your cat. Slowly he has come around. My hubby and my son found a kitten in the bushes and brought him home. The kitten was really sick but we took him to the vet and got him fixed up. Sunny my daughters cat took care of the kitten. The kitten brought Sunny out of his depression.

I am in no way suggesting you go out and get another cat. We are cat people. But with this new kitten who is my sons cat came some new toys. Now Sunny doesn't like to move to much but we have this toy with treats in it. Sunny will bat that thing all over the front room which is awesome because Sunny is a big cat 17lbs big. Anyway he is getting exercise which is so awesome

Anyway maybe try some new toys for the cat but if you are not happy maybe you should look for a place for just you. It might be the push your boyfriend needs to look for a better job and to get his act together

[GGChar]

That is one unhappy cat! Does he have a space that he can call his own? A place to hide? Try catnip too. My cat barfs hair balls everyday. Fun! But I love my cat so it's not the same as your situation.

There is a series called My Cat from Hell. Try to find an episode that might match your situation. I think the guys name is Jackson: he is awesome and usually can help out a lot. Plus the episodes can be kind of funny.

Otherwise, I think you've gotten a lot of great advice. Maybe the cat is trying to tell you something.

[Erebos]

I'm an animal behaviourist the cat is stressed, upset and miserable. That amount of shedding is usually synonymous with stress or the wrong diet. He is checking up fur balls probably because he is over grooming due to the stress. I wouldn't expect even a long haired cat to be throwing up hair balls that often.
The poor thing has been heaved from everything it knows and dumped in a hostile and negative environment.
I know none of this is your fault, you never asked for the cat.
The fact your bf found it acceptable to punt his,responsibilities over to you without so much as a discussion is a very good indicator of his lack of maturity. Expecting others to clean up his messes.

I won't repeat what's ready been made apparent by the others, but there are so many warning signs here I would proceed with caution or better still go back to living separately until he can behave like an adult.
I wish you all the best and hope you manage to find your way. Take care.

[Bill3]

What exactly do you like about this person?

Why does caring for his cat take priority over your own health, treating your own depression?

Why does his immaturity take precedence over your own career goals?

Have you considered moving back to our own apartment, without him and without the cat? In my opinion, this sounds like an excellent idea. The sooner you do that, the healthier and happier you will be.

[Nammu]

Why is his economic non ability to pay his portion of the rent your problem. He needs to get a real job and take care of his cat. For your health move out.

[divine1966]

Grown man working part time and is gone every night out and about while you take care of his cat? He only works part time because uiu pay bills. When you leave, he'll be just fine. He'll get a decent job or someone ekes to support him. Not your problem. You need to leave him like yesterday. Please. You can do way better.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with the other posters. There are a ton of red flags here. Maybe for the sake of your mental health you should move out. I am an introvert as well and need a lot of alone time. My daughter went away to college and I'm left taking care of her cat and dog. Neither of them does even a fraction of the things your boyfriend's cat does and it's still cumbersome and overwhelming when I'm in a severe depression. Please take care of you. Your mental health is a priority.

GreenEyes, this story is reminding me of my own ex fiance who wouldn't take responsibility for his life and for us. We recently broke up, & I am deciding whether or not to continue romantic ties with him.

But back to you.... I agree with the others here. You could insist that he be home more often to take care of his own cat or else you are going to move out and he will need to find another roommate. I don't see why you have to feel stuck living in a miserable living situation, dealing with the cat and your own worsening depression. Your health should be your number one priority. You could move out and he could afford the apartment if someone replaces you, correct?

I would sit him down and have a strong and firm heart to heart with him. He needs to get his act together, grow up and be more responsible (just like my ex needs to). I would tell him your depression is worsening and that this is miserable for you. His cat is his cat to deal with, it shouldn't be on your shoulders to take care of and deal with. And yes, I think the cat is showing signs of stress and upset. He needs to care more about his own cat's well-being, if he cares at all, and about your well-being. Him not being home is not OK.

I would definitely be questioning a future marriage with this guy and perhaps would reeavaluate. The way things are now, you will be taking care of everything. There are red flags here, as the others have pointed out, and you have legit reasons to be concerned.

Perhaps take your time on this one before taking that step. I would be upfront with him about your concerns when you talk to him. He should not be living off his retirement and needs a full-time job. Couples counseling may also help at this time, as suggested by others. I cannot say whether this is a mid-life crisis, but he is not taking responsibility and needs to.

My heart goes out to you since as I mentioned, I am in a similar boat with my ex. ((((Hugs)))))