[BlueCrustacean]

Almost a year ago, I finally met one of my favorite (older) musicians I was absolutely obsessed with and had a HUGE crush on. It didn't go very well, to me at least. So here's how it happened: after the show, my friends asked me if I wanted to stick around and wait for him to leave so that we could get pictures with him. They had done this the last two nights as well, so it wasn't a new thing. I said yes, because I was DYING to just see him and talk to him. We waited by the after-party tent where only VIPs could hang out with the celebrities, and finally, after others left, he left the tent. We started heading over to him, and his security guard very sternly told us to make it quick with one picture each.

I hurried over next to him when it was my turn, and we took the picture. He had his hand on my shoulder and mine around his back, which was a sweet moment. Then I turned to him and said, "Thank you so much". He very slowly turned his head to look at me, stared directly at me for what felt like several seconds, without smiling or anything, and then slowly turned his head away to ignore me. No words. So I walked away, and we all left soon after that. I couldn't shake off this negative, disappointing vibe I got from him.

A couple days later, after coming back home, I saw people online talking about how he didn't have his wedding ring on anymore, and maybe he was getting another divorce. I was utterly consumed with anxiety and sadness for him. I started to obsess over a new celebrity crush as a way to get over my anxious feelings about him. As the months have gone on, though, I've started to feel a wave of resentment and anger towards him for that brief interaction, and how he should have been nicer to me. Did he stare at me because he hated me so much? Did he want to lay a smackdown on me, but decided against it? What was with that reaction?

Was I a horrible fan? Was I entitled, bothering him after the show, and saying, "Thank you so much" as a way to force conversation with him that he didn't want to have, because he was tired? Did I deserve to be treated like that? Should I have expected that? Or was it just him being an asshole to me? Was it his problem and not mine? I will admit that deep down I felt a certain level of entitlement to get a certain connection with him. I wanted to talk to him, like other fans have been able to talk and chat with their favorite celebrities.

At the same time, though, he could have reacted in any number of ways differently than he did, and other musicians/performers have been nicer than him in similar circumstances. When I said thank you, he could have just nodded and continued with whatever he was doing, if he didn't want to engage. He could have brushed me off. He could have ignored me completely like I wasn't there. He could have said, "You're welcome", or "No problem", or smiled, or whatever. But the fact that he did THAT, out of ALL the other ways he could have reacted, perplexes me, confuses me and eats me up TO THIS DAY.

I've gone through periods of hating him, sometimes passionately, and swearing off of ever being a fan of him ever again. But I can't seem to come to any positive resolution about this interaction. Either I hate and blame him, or hate and blame myself, the latter of which is FAR more intolerably painful and emotionally uncomfortable and thorny for me to face. I don't want to be that "entitled fan" who hurt him and made his day worse. I don't think I was that out of line, to deserve that reaction.

Why can't I stop obsessing over this one brief interaction, almost a year later?

[Hack Scribbler]

Why can't I stop obsessing over this one brief interaction, almost a year later?

Because he was rude to you for no good reason. He hurt you with his indifference. That you are a big fan makes it hurt even worse. You've invested your emotions in him and he crapped on you.

I'd be curious to know who this was. My first reaction to his behavior is that he was under the influence of some substance, but that in no way excuses his rotten attitude toward someone who has helped him advance his career, you, the fan.

[Sunflower123]

I agree.

I agree with Hack Scribbler too.

[BlueCrustacean]

Thanks guys. It is nice to [hear] from others that I DID deserve to be treated better, and he WAS rude. It was his fault and not mine. I do feel kind of bad that I invested SOOOOO much emotion, love, empathy and obsession into a guy who's apparently rude and holier than thou, though. All I wanted when I said Thank You was to convey just how much respect, admiration and gratitude I have for everything he's done, and the music he's given me. I made sure he knew how grateful I was for him. I radiated so much positivity towards him. He rejected it in perhaps the most outright rude and mean-spirited way possible, and I have no idea why.

I'm so sorry. I bet you are not alone though. In fact, I have heard of some musicians being real jerks. Tori Amos told this story once. She was backstage at some show, and after the Smiths played, she said to the lead singer "that was really good.". And he said back to her "what the **** do you know?". What a tool.

I hope you don't take this guy's actions too personally. From where I stand, his behavior had zero to do with you.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I'm so sorry. I bet you are not alone though. In fact, I have heard of some musicians being real jerks. Tori Amos told this story once. She was backstage at some show, and after the Smiths played, she said to the lead singer "that was really good.". And he said back to her "what the **** do you know?". What a tool.

I hope you don't take this guy's actions too personally. From where I stand, his behavior had zero to do with you.

Thank you so much! That makes me feel so much better. You know, a lot of musicians do tend to be jerks. I've worked with some of them in the past, when jamming in a couple bands. They seem very stand-offish, demanding and perfectionistic. Of course some musicians are actually nice. I'm always nice and polite to other musicians.

I might as well say who it is. It was Danny Elfman, at last year's final The Nightmare Before Christmas Live concert at the Hollywood Bowl. His long-time guitarist, Steve Bartek was also there, and he was very nice and down to Earth to me. We got to talk to him for a while as he was unloading equipment. Even Danny's daughter was nice to me that same night, after people were leaving. She shook my hand, said hi and smiled. I don't know WHAT Danny's problem was.

[~Christina]

Hes not worth your time or head space anymore.

Yes easier said than done. That was all on him not you. Lotta Jackassss people in the world

Above advice is spot on

[Shazerac]

Sometimes we are disappointed when meeting someone we admire and they turn out to be a ginormous jerk. This has nothing to do with you. You were a fan and reached out to him. He turned you away in an unkind manner. It's his loss. Phooey on him!

[Hack Scribbler]

Dear Blue,

I'm still kicking this around days later. Why? Because it is a betrayal, and I'm very familiar with betrayal.

My mother betrayed my father, brother, sister and me countless times over the years. You never get used to it and, eventually, you stop trusting what anyone says or does.

I try not to let others dictate my emotions and actions, but it is hard, as everyone here knows.

Don't let that man, that stranger, control your feelings. Take them back. He isn't worth your investment in him. He isn't fit to lick your boots.

[BlueCrustacean]

I go through phases. Months back, just the very THOUGHT of trying to forgive him made me rage and hate him so passionately, even to the point of dreaming about yelling at him once. But now that you guys are affirming to me that in no way did I deserve this, that he really WAS being a total jerk, that it had nothing to do with me and I have every right to be angry and betrayed, suddenly I feel a lot more forgiving to him. I think most of my mental anguish and obsessive thoughts came from me not being totally sure whether it was my fault or not. Whether I had a right to feel the way that I feel. This morning I decided to experiment with visualizing myself forgiving him. It was actually possible for me. I wished him well, because nobody who is happy and loves themselves is that rude and distant towards others.

I still swing back to being angry at him though, especially when I just watched an episode of Frasier where Frasier asks Daphne to do something in a condescending way that Daphne is insulted by, and she slowly stares up at him with silent contempt. It reminded me of my experience.

I don't want to pressure myself into trying to forgive him, because I know that's not necessary or even a good idea sometimes in the healing process. I just don't want to let this angry feeling control me. I want to enjoy Halloween season, and not have triggered negative emotions from the inevitable Halloween music that will be playing.

[Entity06]

As someone who had to sort of rely a bit on well known people to have some good models and examples in life due to lack of close relative and friends(apart from my mom and one grandfather who died pretty early on as I hit my teens), I understand that investment in certain celebrities.

In a way I think you can get a good reading of a person's personality from afar depending on how available information is and opportunities to watch them(live or in video) interacting with other and behaving. But of course, as with everyone who isn't a very close friend or family, there's always the possibility there's facets to them you aren't aware of so there's room for disappointment.

From what you describe it's not so clear cut he was douchey because that's how he is or it was an unfortunate moment when he was unintentionally rude because he was tired or upset for some reason.

I do think that artists should be civil and fairly accommodating with fans who are polite and decent when approaching them(as u surely were), because ultimately it's not that they owe you their time but that their whole job, their livelihood is dependent on people responding positively to their work and investing time and money and feeling in it. No actor, artist or author of any kind would be anything without fans and admirers of their work and person and there's a lot of fans who spend more money and time than they can afford just to support an artist and see them perform live. Performing and creating and being in the spotlight is hard but they get paid millions for it while fans often sacrifice time and money they might not have and the payback is simply a live, first hand experience.

So yes, artists like that should be thoughtful and appreciative of their fans and try to be friendly with friendly fans. But ofc celebrities are humans too and any human can and will have bad days when they're just not in the right place mentally and it may come off as rude.

It's hard but try not to take it personally cause it's either he was just having a bad day or he's an asshole in general. Maybe try to see what other fans have to say after encounters with him

My favorite actors are both more introverted and quite uncomfortable with anything fame related. One of them, Hugh Laurie, I've seen in concert a few times and the first time I got the impression he was a bit uncaring cause he didn't stop to give autographs or anything after the show. The other time I saw him though, he not only gave autographs but took his time with absolutely everyone waiting, took pictures and chatted and he was absolutely lovely. That first time it was his first true concert and he later said he was nervous and exhausted. With introverted or weird people it can happen that they seem rude when they're not really.
The other actor I like is not that well known, mostly a theatre actor, introverted and quite awkward about meeting random people like this and very uncomfortable. He refuses most picture requests and I thought that was iffy but I had the chance to meet him in a slightly different context and he is one of the kindest, most wonderful people you can meet but he can easily come across as distant and closed off in the wrong setting.

Try not to take these things personally, although it is understandable that u do.

(((hugs)))) The others have said it all already, but this was not about you whatsoever, it was about him being a rude jackass towards you. He probably is that way towards many of his greatest fans and not just you. There's a sense of entitlement that can come from stardom, and being "above" all the rest of us lowly people out here who love, admire and adore them. It's very sad, really, that some stars behave this way and treat their fans with such disdain and dismissal.

What concerns me though is that this has bothered you to this depth and for this long. I totally understand your anger and outrage over it, and rightfully so, but he's a jerk and you learned that with an in person encounter and he should simply be written off. He's not who you thought he was or imagined how he might be.

You've written about celebrity obsessions in other threads. Investing so much energy into a celebrity (whom you do not know) can be very harmful to one's health, which this has been for a year, eating away at you. Just want to give you some food for thought as to why this has occupied so much of your energy and for this long.

Once we run into a jerk, celebrity or not, they should be dismissed and forgotten about. There are jerks everywhere in life, everywhere we go and with all walks of life. They do not deserve our time, energy or head space. If they do occupy our head space too much, as they say, raise the rent and kick them out (lol)! It's just not worth it in the end to occupy one's mind over the jerks in this world who do not know how to treat people with a basic level of human kindness, appreciation and/or respect.

((((((hugs))))))

[BlueCrustacean]

Okay, but judging and criticizing me for having trouble with celebrity obsessions is not helping me one bit. You provided no "food for thought", that I don't already know, just more judgment, guilt and blame. How do you think that makes me feel? I need SOLUTIONS, not just condescending judgment. I can't stop until I know HOW to stop. I need compassion and support.

My apologies. I was not judging, nor trying to shame you. I showed compassion and I sided with you by acknowleding that your upset was valid. But I also merely pointed out that it seemed to be a long time to be holding onto this. That is not a judgement, but rather an observation in order to try and help. Sorry that you took my words so defensively. You, yourself, admitted that your celebrity obsessions have been interfering in your life and that you use them as an avoidance tactic. I am basing what I said off of what you've acknowledged in another thread. Again, my apologies if that upset you.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

Okay, but judging and criticizing me for having trouble with celebrity obsessions is not helping me one bit. You provided no "food for thought", that I don't already know, just more judgment, guilt and blame. How do you think that makes me feel? I need SOLUTIONS, not just condescending judgment. I can't stop until I know HOW to stop. I need compassion and support.

You ARE receiving compassion and support. It may not feel like it to you, but it is. Pointing out that you have a history with celebrity obsessions is simply an observation that is attempting to help you. It may not be what you want to hear. But lashing out at someone who is trying to help you is not going to improve your situation.

The only one who is judging and blaming you here is YOU.

If you don't get to the bottom of why you are feeling an obsession about being abused by a celebrity..... it will keep happening.

[Hack Scribbler]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

Okay, but judging and criticizing me for having trouble with celebrity obsessions is not helping me one bit. You provided no "food for thought", that I don't already know, just more judgment, guilt and blame. How do you think that makes me feel? I need SOLUTIONS, not just condescending judgment. I can't stop until I know HOW to stop. I need compassion and support.

Dear Blue,

I have been obsessively in love with Robert Conrad since I was a very young girl. Like every celebrity crush, it is unrequited.

In the interim, I've fallen in love with a dozen other male celebrities, which makes for a very rich fantasy life. I'm a hopeless daydreamer.

I think you're perfectly normal.



Just read the new comments. Honestly, I would cry my eyes out and be just as upset as you are and for just as long if one of my crushes were as nasty to me as yours was to you.

We've invested deep emotions, in my case, for decades. That is not something to take lightly.

I'm extremely reclusive. My daydreams have sustained me through deep deep depression and absolute loneliness.

My humble advice is that if input in this thread doesn't apply to you, don't take and keep it onboard. I say this knowing exactly how you feel.

Understanding you are trying to help Golden Eve and Shazerac, but I personally think that to tell someone they should not feel a certain way because of the amt. of time that has passed, is not helpful. It's invalidating. Or saying that the fact that someone was such a jerk, means not to give our attention to it. There are people here with anxiety, depression, and trauma, and it's hard to get certain stuff out of one's mind sometimes.

Like I said, I based what I wrote off another thread she had written on about celebrity obsessions and this is another obsession that is interfering in her life and ability to just be happy. I disagree with you that saying he is a jerk and siding with her on how she felt was invalidating. All I did was validate her feelings. I am leaving this thread and this conversation if all people are going to do is dump on me for pointing out that a year is a long time to obsess over a celebrity being a jerk. Again, there is NO judgement. It's an observation and a reflection back on the behavior. She has talked already about her obsessions being a problem for her and how they are interfering in her life.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Like I said, I based what I wrote off another thread she had written on about celebrity obsessions and this is another obsession that is interfering in her life and ability to just be happy. I disagree with you that saying he is a jerk and siding with her on how she felt was invalidating. All I did was validate her feelings. I am leaving this thread and this conversation if all people are going to do is dump on me for pointing out that a year is a long time to obsess over a celebrity being a jerk. Again, there is NO judgement. It's an observation and a reflection back on the behavior. She has talked already about her obsessions being a problem for her and how they are interfering in her life.

I feel like my words are being twisted. I also have no energy for this. Later.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Understanding you are trying to help Golden Eve and Shazerac, but I personally think that to tell someone they should not feel a certain way because of the amt. of time that has passed, is not helpful. It's invalidating. Or saying that the fact that someone was such a jerk, means not to give our attention to it. There are people here with anxiety, depression, and trauma, and it's hard to get certain stuff out of one's mind sometimes.

I'm not seeing how Golden or I said anything about how she shouldn't feel how she's feeling. It's obvious Blue is in pain.

Blue said she wants to know how to stop feeling the feelings. SHE ASKED THE QUESTION. "How can I stop?" No one told her to not feel bad. That's ridiculous and that would be invalidating.

A suggestion that she explore why she has these feelings is a valid suggestion. Anyone who has any kind of painful feelings can benefit from trying to figure out why. If not....why go to therapy? Why go to a psychiatrist? It all falls apart.

I don't have the energy either for this. I am done with this thread and there was no need to attack me for what I wrote.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I don't have the energy either for this. I am done with this thread and there was no need to attack me for what I wrote.

I was just trying to help.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Like I said, I based what I wrote off another thread she had written on about celebrity obsessions and this is another obsession that is interfering in her life and ability to just be happy. I disagree with you that saying he is a jerk and siding with her on how she felt was invalidating. All I did was validate her feelings. I am leaving this thread and this conversation if all people are going to do is dump on me for pointing out that a year is a long time to obsess over a celebrity being a jerk. Again, there is NO judgement. It's an observation and a reflection back on the behavior. She has talked already about her obsessions being a problem for her and how they are interfering in her life.

I'm sorry I lashed out at you. I had a feeling you were only trying to help and be compassionate, but it really triggered my defensive mode, especially the "you shouldn't have been spending an entire year getting eaten up by this". I'm surprised so many people have jumped on this thread since I simply expressed how I felt about your comment.

The point of me saying that I already know I have a problem is that others pointing it out for me does not help the situation. It only makes me feel more self hatred and shame, and a desire to keep doing the self sabotaging behaviors.

This isn't related to you, but I've had a psychiatrist in the past who really got on my case about me and my family's problems, problems that I already knew were problems, without providing solutions. "Why are you not doing this? Why are you not doing that? Do you realize how much trouble you're in? Why can't you be healthier and better than you are now?? What's wrong with you?? You need to do something. I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but DO it."

If it was so easy, I wouldn't still be struggling. After my anger and defensiveness subsided eventually, though, I took it as a stronger wake-up call and looked up an article on how to overcome addictions. This basically is an addiction, just like drugs, alcohol, porn addiction, internet addiction, phone addiction, etc. I've been addicted in this manner ever since I was 12 years old, and had my first big crush on a famous actor. I thought about him almost every waking minute, every single day until I almost felt nauseous and sometimes resolved to NEVER think about him again. Of course, it never lasted. These kinds of habits were off and on.

It only got worse after my parents' bitter divorce. Ever since that divorce, I noticed, I've started becoming addictively attracted to crushes who have more self hatred and relationship issues that I can relate to. I've started consuming myself with worry that I need to "help" them, to save them from their struggling.

Today I've deleted Instagram and Twitter from my phone (my main stalking apps), deleted some internet bookmarks, and removed any other forms of easy access to my addiction. I'm also going to take advice from the article I read about overcoming addictions and write down lists, like reasons why this addiction is harmful to me, and how much better I'll feel when I no longer have it.

I just finished some good household chores to take my mind off, and I feel a better sense of accomplishment and control over my life. I'm usually afraid to take up my hobbies like art and music again, because of my massive fear of failure and making mistakes that ruin the joy I used to have in making stuff. I'm doing a little bit anyway, though.

Believe me, I'm trying. I'm putting in the effort. Acknowledging my problem was the first step. I'm more determined today than I was even yesterday.

[Shazerac]

I'm so happy for you you are taking huge steps forward.