Is it wrong to look up to people

Thanks! How aware are you of the strong feelings when you have them?

I’m aware of what I feel, just not so much of my actions when I feel these things.

When you become aware of those intense feelings, I wonder if you could step back a bit and look carefully at your actions or your planned actions.

Your non-awareness defense doesn't entirely hold up. You say this has been happening for some time, now, with a number of people who have rejected your intrusive behavior. But you've persisted in this behavior, I think, because it seemed to be a way to try to get something you need.

It's normal to want some attention from others whom we admire. But they don't owe you attention, just because you want that attention. In a workplace, people don't get to choose their coworkers, but they do get to choose how much of a friendly relationship they want to establish. Coworkers all have the obligation to be courteous to each other. But no coworker is obligated to be real friendly with you. You've been treating the workplace as your personal hostage situation. You act like coworkers have no choice but to put up with your intrusiveness because you are all working together. You are starting to realize that they have more control than you thought. They don't have to just keep putting up with you . . . and they won't. So now you are disturbed that the control is less yours that you believed. You don't hold them hostage just because they share a workspace with you. You can't just impose yourself on people.

Your reasoning is like the thinking of men who used to believe they could aggressively flirt with female coworkers that they were attracted to. They too believed that the woman should have felt "flattered." They too said that they would be flattered, if someone showed them that kind of attention. Just like the argument that you're making. And make no mistake: there is an element of aggression in your behavior. People will not put up with it. You'll end up fired.

You are trying to meet a normal human need - for connectedness with others. But the approach you are using is not working for you. Maybe you are lonely. Maybe there is not enough friendship in your life. You would do well to find socially appropriate ways of getting your need for connectedness met. A place to start is to consider that others do not exist to provide you with attention. People don't like to be "used" in that way.

Working with a therapist might help you, if you can be very honest about this problem. Otherwise, you'll just do to the therapist what you're doing to coworkers that you "look up to." Then you'll get nowhere. You're a bright person, and I take it you are young. So there's hope, if you are willing to change. Don't use your intelligence just to cleverly craft a defense of bad behavior by twisting the meanings of words. Of course it's "not wrong to look up to people." You already know that. You are trying to trap people into agreeing with you. What's wrong is thinking that you have a right to be intrusive with others whom you admire. You have no such right.

So, in summary: agression, hostage taking and trapping. These words describe your behavior. It is dislikeable. Be glad you're young enough to change. (I think you are.) You are also smart and assertive. Put those qualities to better use. In a workplace, workers are valued who go about their job quietly (unless you're a trumpet player.) Be as non-distracting to others as you can be. Learn an appropriate way to ask for help when you really need it. Try not to interrupt and inconvenience others. Put down the sign that says, "Here I am. Notice me." Working quietly, diligently and not demanding constant attention will get you noticed - in a very positive way.

I know coworkers are not obligated to be friendly, just courteous. And if she had never been friendly, I woulda never looked up to her. She was nice to me and liked me until she realized I look up to her.

Looking up to someone generally means admiring their qualities, wanting to be like them, and wanting to be around them.

I was too embarrassed to reveal it before, but that colleague I look up to is my supervisor. And I'm so mad right now. Earlier this week, the district manager (her boss) told me (and documented it) that I shouldn't just come in on my days off. She said I've been doing that too much. And I shouldn't listen in to a conversation she had with my supervisor. Ok fine. But then, a few of my coworkers revealed that they also looked up to my supervisor and she doesn't get mad at them. Now I'm simmering with jealousy.

One of these coworkers had a birthday recently. My supervisor wrote happy birthday on her schedule. So I went in on my off day to request she do the same for me. It got back to me that she would. I just need to give her my b-day and my caseworker's phone number. WTF ever! I'm done.

A workplace is not the neighbohood "bar and grill," where people drop by to hang out. Most employers discourage workers coming in and hanging around a worksite when they are not "on the clock." There are very sensible reasons for that policy.

Don't listen in on conversations that you haven't been invited to participate in. That's rude to do.

Your supervisor liked you until she got tired of your intrusiveness.

They are giving you valuable feedback about what you need to change in your behavior. But you can refuse to change, if you want. It's up to you.

I want to change. All I know right now is how not to look up to someone. But I don’t know what I CAN do to show someone I look up to them. Should I have been more discreet? Subtle? If so, what actions constitute that? And I’m wondering about the birthday also btw. Is she gonna write it on my schedule? And why did she need my caseworker’s number?

The issue isn't "looking up to". The issue is violating people's boundaries and borderline harassing your supervisor.

If you have a caseworker, talk to them about it. You need help learning how to navigate workplace. Is this your first job? Are you a minor? I had students who insisted that because they wanted something, it had to happen regardless how others felt about it. Getting a girl to be their prom date or having a classmate to come over etc etc i had a student who was fired from his first job because he ate during his shift, it was no matter what rules said, he didn't care because "he was hungry". It is a work in progress learning that just because you want something, it doesn't have to happen/learn boundaries especially for someone with social skills deficit

Seek a professional help with this please.

One way to show your appreciation for someone is to say "Thank you very much for helping me." or "I've learned a lot from you. I am grateful." or "Thank you for your support."

You're hiding behind the phrase: "looking up to someone." This is not honest.

People at work do not appreciate your intrusiveness. If you don't know what that word means, google it. Here's a start:

The definition of intrusive is someone or something that invades personal space, that becomes too involved or that comes too close without being invited. From: Intrusive dictionary definition | intrusive defined

ADJECTIVE
causing disruption or annoyance through being unwelcome or uninvited:
"that was an intrusive question" · [more]
synonyms: intruding · invasive · obtrusive · unwelcome · pushy · [more] From: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/

You're taking behavior that people find obnoxious and trying to dress it up as something innocent and nice. ("All I was doing was just looking up to people I admired. What's wrong with thaaaaaaaat, huuuuuh?") Either you want to learn, in which case you will be humble enough to take direction . . . . or . . . you will just keep being defensive and act like you can't figure anything out.

In psych facilities, one of the things that staff is on the lookout for is "intrusiveness." Some people with some psych issues tend to have behavior that is described as "intrusive." It's not surprising because with psych issues often comes loneliness. One way that lonely people cope is by looking for attention. It doesn't seem wrong to them. But it is dysfunctional and inappropriate . . . and disrespectful. So psych patients who are intrusive will try to hang around the nurses' station and listen to staff conversation. That's why there is a rule in most psych units that patients are not allowed to stand or sit close to the nurses' station, especially at night.

Ruby, aren't you going to this job specifically to learn appropriate behaviors? So why not take the lesson being offered to you?

I’m not a minor. This isn’t my first job but I’ve been in this job a long time. I prolly did come across as intrusive, but I had only good intentions. I’ve looked up to a few other ppl and they also found it intrusive. If someone's really nice to me, it's natural to wanna be around them alot. I prolly just went about it the wrong way.

If everyone finds your behavior intrusive then it doesn't matter that your intentions are innocent. It's not that you "probably" go wrong about it. You DO go wrong about it. No it's not natural to be around people who repeatedly tell you to stop this behavior. I undersrand though that you are having diffuculty with boundaries so that is why please address this with your case manager/case worker

Where did you get the idea that “looking up to someone” is a thing that people do? It’s really not a common phrase used in our society. This whole idea is “off”.

You need to erase this idea from your thinking first.

You’ve touched on here that you have a very weak sense of yourself. Normally, people feel comfortable with being who they are, even when they meet someone whom they admire and respect. This is one thing you should address with a therapist. You have put yourself down here.

Wanting to be around them— should not go further than boundaries dictate.

Going in on your day off to request the supervisor acknowledge your birthday when it comes is off-putting, needy, petty, clingy, and really strange behavior. Do you have a diagnosis that the supervisor knows about? You mentioned a case worker. Is this job a special arrangement due to you having a mental health issue? If so, that would make your behavior more acceptable, as the workplace was “special” to you. But, a regular situation, this is not acceptable behavior.

You are STILL wondering about this? You already went in there on your day off to ask her to do it for you. This is “off” thinking. You are obsessing over something here, and you have already crossed a boundary over it. Going in there to ask about that would be alarming to me, if I were you manager. This is just not done.

Again, unless I am not fully understanding, and you manager is aware you have special mental health circumstances at this job, then she may know that you are obsessive and have a mental health diagnosis she is working with.

I like Bill's suggestions to show that you appreciate people. It seems to me that you just want to be liked in your workplace and want to be closer to people you admire and look up to. I feel that perhaps you are a bit lonely? The thing is, we can admire someone and like our co-workers a lot, but we need to show that we like or admire them in appropriate, socially acceptable ways. I would suggest not going in anymore on your days off (days off from work are meant to be just that), and not following your co-workers around. Be nice, be cordial, say hello how are you and stuff like that, but let them be and let them come to you if they want to. That would be setting appropriate boundaries for yourself. (((hugs)))

What you're doing is attention-seeking. You are acting like a child.

Wanting this much attention is not "good intentions." It is selfish.

As I said before, there is an element of "aggression" in your behavior. You are ready to practically demand that this supervisor acknowledge your birthday. She doesn't have to. But you are determined to have your way. (You are trying to "trap" your supervisor.) This is becoming a power struggle with you on the jobsite.

Basically, you are refusing to take redirection. And you've been doing it over and over with a series of different people. And you try and dishonestly use words to dress up the behavior as something different from what it is. Any good supervisor is generally looked up to by those whom she supervises. You are wanting her to "mother" you.

You are at this job to learn appropriate behavior. (It sounds to me like a sheltered worksite for people with special needs.) If you refuse to do learn, they will discharge you and give your spot to someone else.

I agree not to be around someone who doesn’t like this behavior. I meant before when she used to be nice to me. The previous mgr b4 her weren’t as nice. In fact, most ppl aren’t as nice as she was. I also looked up to the way she started at the very bottom and worked her way up over the years. And the award she won for being the best at her job. I wanted to be like her until she turned on me. I’m only saying it’s natural to wanna be around all that.

I like everyone at work but my supervisor is the only one I looked up to. An hourly manager once told me that I don’t obsess over the rest of them so I shouldn’t obsess over her. The rest of my colleagues used to like me until my supervisor complained. And it’s especially after the district manager documented my conduct. The district manager and my supervisor then said stuff about that to each other.

I work fast food and I’m the only one there with a caseworker. My supervisor already knows I have aspergers. I only said I looked up to her bc I have that actual intention. Not to excuse my behavior. When she isn’t working, I don’t even go in on my days off as she’s the only one there I look up to. I like almost everyone but I look up to very few people. They all used to like me until my supervisor complained.

Thing is, you can appreciate someone's hard work and efforts to yourself mentally, without being overtly intrusive or attention seeking. Do you know what I mean? You can model yourself after them, without annoying them on the outside. People here have provide some helpful feedback. Just try to keep these behaviors in check and you'll be OK.

So be more discreet? Subtle? I figured as much a little late. I don’t think she’ll ever like me again.

Rose, you are being rather harsh and judgemental... I don't think this is helpful to the OP... just saying, you could tone it down and try to be a bit more understanding and less harsh. I don't think calling the OP a child and telling her that she is trapping her supervisor and is selfish is helpful or nice. It doesn't seem to be a power struggle.... I think she just wants to be closer to those she likes and appreciates.

Really, it's more a matter of keeping this to yourself and taking mental note of how you yourself want to model after your supervisor. It seems that you want to be more like her yourself? She can like you again if you show appropriate boundaries. That's all you need to learn. (((hugs))))

I was going to ask if you are on a spectrum. It's understandable you have hard time with these skills. Write down what they tell you at work age wgat we tell you and go over with your case worker