Mom's needs

My mom misses talking with me, she feels hurt and mad because we dont "talk" even if we live together... i just dont know what to say! Or maybe im too absorbed by myself, my feelings, thoughts, duties and life.

My T said what she really wants is a connection but i dont know how to give it to her, and honestly im not sure i want to give it to her. Not sure why talking with her is so difficult...

I just feel annoyed by her and whatever she says. Maybe its because i need my independence, i dont know... i REALLY dont want to hurt her or to make her feel abandoned, but even this, her needing me, annoys me and pushes me away.

I dont know how to solve this. It feels like i have to choose between her needs and mine...

There is a reason you feel that way and your feelings are valid. Maybe if your mom gave you some space, you’d be more likely to give her that connection. Can you discuss this further with your therapist to drill down to your resistance and figure out how to proceed?

Sure, my T and I talk about her every other session. Its something that comes and goes very often.

The problem is she tries to give me space, she does, but then she will guilt trip me for it.

It can be really hurtful when someone is trying to get something from you that you aren't trying to give. That makes it feel like your wishes are not being respected, and I mean, anyone would find that uncomfortable and it might make them feel unimportant to the other person, and that's not good at all.

hey Sinking

I’m familiar with this dynamic, I also had no desire to connect with my mom, to let her into my world. Partly because I was doing things she would have disapproved of, and i didn’t know it then but now I do, I was mad at my mother and blamed her for taking my father away from me when I was a little kid.
I hated her for a long time not knowing why and I felt guilty about it, thanks to her professional grade guilt trips, I suppose it was the only way she could feel anything from me.
It still makes me mad to this day.
Anyway, Jennifer is right, there’s a reason for your aversion to your mother, so don’t feel guilty about your feelings, or lack thereof towards your mother, but do try to peg down why you guys are so disconnected.

I can actually relate.. I have struggles sharing things with my parents as well. I don't know why.. I just feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps it's for different reasons than yours. Many hugs

How willing would your mother be to attending a therapy session with you?I think this is a really good idea.

Yes, i guess im not open with her because all my energies are used to keep my secrets and hide them from her.

i really dont want to be open with her. it never led to anything positive. it would just hurt her and me.

as for therapy.... im SO against having her with me. it is MY space, i NEED it! my mom already has "controlled" everything of my life, i NEED something - a space - that is mine and only mine.
we tried it in the past and i hated every second of those sessions. my T asked if she could talk with my mom last session and i said NO! i dont want them to talk!

this is my NEED.

her needs..... i know im selfish and im hurting her. i feel so guilty, but how can i let her invade my personal space? let her twist things around, make it all about her and make me feel a mean selfish monster? i dont want to feel like that.... i prefer hurting her by omission/lack of connection than by letting her see me.

So in the end my mom called my T this morning after i involuntarily ignored her.

they talked, and tomorrow we'll fix a session with the 3 of us.

i hate this, but i couldnt say no or it would have been worse.

now my T CANT tell my mom my plans. another T did that with my huge secret. previous T always wanted to have a few sessions with her.... i NEVER wanted it and any time it happened (because i was forced to), i hated every second of it. this time wont be different.... this T cant tell my mom my things.... confidentiality? if she only dares to say a word about my stuff i'll quit therapy or worse. i sick at the only thought of it.

IM SICK OF MY MOM BEING EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know i'll regret this, im already feeling ashamed and guilty for saying this, but thats what i feel, what can i do?

How old are you sinking?

Do you have the ability to find a new therapist?
This situation doesn’t seem quite right.

35. Too old for this. But until i have to live with them cause i cant afford a place of my own... it will be this way.

I feel as if my mom was taking possession of my body. She is everywhere, me left in a corner with too little space to survive, im suffocating. There almost isnt any room left for me.

This reminds me my CSA (psychologically) so much. I feel smothering. Almost violated.

But its like i cant say this because these are my feelings, maybe not what happens in reality because my mom gives me a lot of freedom. It is not much what she does but what she feels that makes me feel this way. This invisible chain is breaking me, dragging me down, making me sink.

Im almost crying. Im SO tired of this. Thinking about how could i end this...
Thank you for answering, it helps a lot.

You should tell your therapist how this makes you feel, it would then be your therapists job to act in a way that considers your mental well being. Since this is affecting you so negatively it would be unprofessional to continue involving your mother in your sessions.
I would make my feelings clear, and then, if necessary, find a new therapist that respects my boundaries.

I feel like there must be something wrong with me because every T i had always wanted to talk with my mom or have us both in session a few times.

Is this normal?

It makes me feel as if they have doubts about what i tell them. I never understood why they all wanted to talk with my mom. Im an adult!!!! Why mom always in the middle?