Obsessed!!

Yeah, it sounds like he was letting the mask slip after a time of deliberately making himself appear what he sensed you were looking for.

We all show our good sides early on in relatonships but with him it sounds like it was extreme deception. Not all guys will be like this though, some people are more straight forward, but always good to take it slowly while you find out who he really is.

Thank you, Sprout! You are right on target! It was extreme deception. In addition to me dismissing the red flags.

(((((Hugs)))))))

Have you thought about ways to move on from this rather than dwell on the past, kick the dust off and start anew?

YES! I don't know how!!!!

Thank you so much......

I can forgive... eventually and within my heart. I know that this part is essential to me moving on. I actually have gained compassion lately for him, and have moved on from anger. So I am no longer in an angry/hateful/vengeful state of mind. I feel pity for him..... I feel sorry for him. Compassion to me is one step in the process of healing from this.

I have written a letter to him that I will never send.

That is good that you feel pity for him, because he sounds like he is lacking in so many different areas.

I think closure is a process Eve, and it will happen gradually, eventually you will hardly think of him at all.

Well, take all the time you need. There is no time limit on getting closure. Like Prefab said, these things, healing and closure, are a process.

I understand thebgoing from anger to pity that comes from the understanding of what issues are really causing their behavior to be what it is.

Know in my sutuation I list the possible causes for my ex-H's behaviors. I even strike those out as possibilities & realize something more serious is going on with his mind than just what I have been able to know. But with the pity comes my knowledge & understsnding that there are CONSEQUENCES for everu choice & behavior & no matter what the reason, those consequences are his orobkem to deal with. That is the pjilosophy of APS (adult protective services) when they told me that anyone capable of making decisions whether good or bad is responsible for the consequences of those decisions.

If I wasnt still being harmed by his bad financial decisions it would be REAL EASY to look the other way & never look back though I still feel pity not anger even with the harm he is doing because I KNOW he is mentally incompetent even though they wont declare it legally.

It sounds to me like what you need to understand more is how no matter how much you try to get this other person to listen to you, his constant reactions are reflecting that he is simply NOT going to listen to you or validate you.

When a person struggles with an alcohol addiction, they exhibit a lot of the same signs that narcissists exhibit. They are literally consumed by the addiction and their entire life revolves around that addiction and in that seeing YOU and caring about YOU is not something that person really thinks about or recognizes.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot MAKE it drink.

Obsessed = standing with that horse you led to water and thinking if you keep insisting you can make it drink. Truth is the horse simply will NOT drink until the HORSE decides it's thirsty enough where it WANTS to drink.

Also, sorry about your car accident where someone hit you and did not want to CARE about the damage they caused. It's understandable that would trigger you to feel the same way you feel when your ex boyfriend is basically the same way with you where he fails to see the hurt he causes you to feel.

I can relate to part of your story. What are you doing to recover from abuse?

I've been reading your thread. Wow, he seems like an arsehole. This guy isn't worth all the tears and heartache. I read that you met a new guy and I'm pleased about that. I think you should focus on him and yourself. I don't know if the new guy is bad but perhaps things should be taken slowly. I think to myself why should I be in pain when someone else better will take interest in me? I'm that sort of girl that has her obsessive moments but a couple of months down the line, I just don't care and just focus on my life and walk away. It's just not in my nature to want a guy so much. Perhaps it's me being a introvert. Anyway I hope everything goes okay.

Thank you kindly everyone, for your input and support!! It helps and I am very grateful for that help.

Agreed. Closure is a process and I can't force it.

Open Eyes -- thank you. You're right. I will never be listened to or validated. That is what I have to let go of here at this point. I need to provide the validation to myself. Similar to my car accident, this relationship was a hit and run. Argh.

Leomama -- to recover, I have done YouTube tutorials on recovery from abuse, I have journalled a TON, I have talked to my therapist each week about it and I have allowed myself to date and move on dating-wise. The journalling and my therapy have helped the most. YouTube has also been helpful for me in maintaining a NO CONTACT rule for myself.

HappyCheeks -- thanks for being happy for me. I am taking things as slow as I can with the new guy.......

If I am not addressing your comments directly, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate them! Everyone's input is greatly appreciated!!!! So to the others who have commented and provided support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I understand how much being used hurts. I've been used many times myself. My latest heartbreak has been the worst. He took me for quite a bit of money as well. I liked the post that suggested kicking him where it hurts. Ouch!! He deserves it just like my ex.

It really does hurt. I am sorry for what you've been through yourself! It sucks and it hurts to be taken for.... to feel like someone took advantage of your kind heart. And then stomped on it. I know that all too well with this last one. Yes, he deserves an *** kicking, but I have maintained a no contact rule which is serving me well.

Hugs and healing to you....

So I started this thread by wanting revenge. I am not full of rage anymore, but I still want revenge!

People here have told me that the best revenge is living a good and happy life! And yes, I AM VERY happy with my new man!! He is helping me in so many ways and we're having SO much fun together. Things are developing between us and are getting a bit more involved and serious. And I am generally happy overall! For the most part.

BUT, I still have a desire for revenge! What is wrong with me????? I see a side of myself that I don't like! I am vengeful & vindictive! I want to get back at him and stab him in the heart where it counts, just as badly as he stabbed me! This is AWFUL! I HATE that I carry this around with me! And I consider myself to be a very nice person at heart! But I am vengeful!

I have not forgiven him in my heart yet! I have gained some amount of compassion for his problems and issues, but that has not led to forgiveness yet. I want to forgive him, very much so, but I am not ready yet.

ARGH. I am very frustrated with myself! Perhaps if I can forgive him then I can let go? Maybe I just need more time??? It still hasn't been all that long. Maybe time is all that is needed.... and maybe another true love so that I forget all about what's his face.

I am admitting something about myself that I don't like and don't want or need, so please be gentle and kind with me if you reply to this. Thank you!

You're not alone
So glad you're happy with your new man! I'm back with my ex (he broke up with his gf), that's my fatal ex, before ex I was posting about here. Now I know it was always him. Seems like I never stopped loving him at all, but just like you I feel the need to hurt my ex as he hurt me.
So I don't have anything helpful to say, but maybe it feels better knowing you're not the only one feeling like this

thanks, Alice. It does help to know I am not alone. And good for you! I am glad you found the right guy after all. Funny how that can work out! ((((Hugs))))

Hey Eve. I don't think you need to forgive him yet (forgiveness can often be confused with saying what someone did is "ok."). I also think forgiveness is a process where we go back and forth with feeling ok about it, and then not. Being able to let it go. And then not. I like the idea of writing out all your anger and horrible things you'd or do to him in a journal. I don't think anything is wrong with you... Maybe its just...did you feel rejected? I don't know the complete whole story either. But I know from a psychological perspective that when people are rejected, they can become angry and aggressive. Its just a human thing that happens. If not, I mean, you were hurt. And thats kind of the same thing. Maybe these are just emotional waves you're going to have to ride for a while. You are always welcome to post too. I'm glad you're getting support here.

I myself am learning how to let go of some emotional hurt that I have experienced at the hands of others. I read somewhere that pain is the seed of spiritual awakening. Honestly, that is true for me. Last year I got really into meditation and learning about buddhism. never looked back. its been so helpful. Sometimes it also has to do with how we see ourselves.

Anyway, here's a huge hug for you.

Thank you so much, Starry.

This helps. Yes I am back and forth, back and forth. I did feel rejected in the end - even though I was the first one to break up with him, he also broke it off with me.
and was (I think) emotionally cheating on me. So there's that.

I am into Buddhism a bit myself. Used to be a lot more. I like guided meditations. Maybe I'll get into that again. Thank you for bringing it up! (((Hugs)))

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~Mahatma Gandhi

I can forgive, but my heart is not ready yet.

Hmmmm, you think you can only get better (stop feeling the revenge) if you have someone to fill the place in your life he had.

Interesting because when I left my H, my anger was so intense I was literally seeing red. Ehat I found personally is that I needed to heal first before it would ever be safe to alliw anyone back into my life. We need to resolve our own issues by our selves. We need to know who we are not in relation to someone else but in relation to ourselves. It is the only way to truly resolve those internal issues we battle with.

Is this how you feel after every break-up that has hurt you? This might be a valuable issue to work with your T on because it is a personal issue that you need to learn appropriate skills to handle.

There will people throughout your life who will hurt you, not just BF'S. I have been hurt & cheated by many just in dealing with life.....the home care person I caught financially abusing my mom when she was dying of cancer. The guy hired to install my new heat pump system in my farm house who installed a mismatched & broken system & left me with a $1600 electric bill that winter & he was jydgment proof so taking him to court was useless, then thefirst guy I hired to do fencing of my field. Gor nothing for the check Iwrote. Years of court time & just barely got my money back with jail time stearing at him....& the first painter I hired to paint the house. Learned do it yourself. List $1000's on that jerk. Learnibg to let go or it will eat you up. I am still dealing with the divorce finally & it will be a battle to get what is mine so I have to weigh the cost $ & emotional....but these are all internal issues that ONLY I can resolve & someone else in my life would only cover up or mask the issue until the next time it happens & you havent learned the skilks needed to handle it yourself. Life isn't easy but it is personal & it is something only we, ourselves can kearn to deal with. Revenge isnt the answer (you already know that) therapy helped me a lot but so did God through years of Bible study. Learnibg to forgive. I am assertive & I do look out for myself but when things happen out of my control I had to learn the abiluty to let go of the things I couldnt change while learnibg my lesson from the experience never to let it happen again. No one else can do that for you & just hoping it won't happen again is not learning anything from the experience.

Takes time & maturity.

My therapist says it's the crushing of my fantasy that I am holding onto. That I fell in love with a fantasy, and then had a hard crash. No, it's not like this every time I get hurt, but I do hold on a lot longer than I should emotionally. Ideally, I would heal first, but I did find someone I really like without exactly expecting it. I think in time I can let go. Thank you for your thoughts! ((Hugs))

I’m glad you found a great guy

Thanks, Christina!