Where am I going

I am very confused and conflicted right now, because I am very seriously thinking about leaving my husband. We have been together for 14 years and married for 9. I have spent most of this time unhappy, and most of this time looking for a way out, though until recently I have not found one. It felt like my exits were blocked and I felt trapped and helpless.

I realised recently that I do have a choice in this. That I can leave, and that i can find myself a better future, a happier future. I have tried many times in the past to end our relationship, but each time I tell him, he gets upset. I don't like to see anyone upset so I stay and try to work things through, hoping that things will get better but never believing that hope.

A lot of things happened recently to make me feel quite strong about leaving, to make me feel.like it is possible, but that dorsnt mean I am not scared still. I am scared that I am making a mistake, that things could improve between us. I am scared that I will really hurt him and I am scared for how he will respond to that hurt. I am scared of how I will respond to the hurt too. I am scared to tell my family because I don't really talk to them much, about things that matter, and I am scared of hurting his family who have been good to me. I am scared for all the little things and all the big things.

But I am making plans to leave, still, despite my wondering if I will ever actually go through with it. That's why the post name 'where am I going?'. Am I moving forwards on a path or am I going round and round in circles still trapped inside? I really don't know the answer to that question.

In a way, maybe I am getting out of this mess the same way j got into it, on a wave that I didn't feel in control of. Maybe that's ok.

I have a viewing on a flat on Monday, and it comes up for rent early in the year. It is £500 deposit and £500 A month rent, so an expensive outlay if I don't end up leaving him.

I haven't told my Dad yet, or my brother. I don't know when or how I am going to tell them, just as I don't know when or how I am going to tell my husband. It all feels very surreal, but intensely real at the same time. I don't much like it, but then I haven't much liked my life with him for the last 10 years or so either.

I joined a dating site just to see what was out there, to see if there might be someone else with similar interests, to see if I could get some hope about a possible future for me, w happier future for me. My husband is the only relationship I have ever known, so I am a bit clueless to be honest as to the realms of possibilities. I just figured for years that everyone was this miserable, but I have recently become aware that this might not be the case.

I ended up chatting to a really lovely guy with similar interests, who seems to have a really kind and gentle heart. I saw that hope. We chatted on and off today, and it was really lovely, but I didn't want to be dishonest so someone who seemed to genuine and kind, so I told him my situation, and now I have to wait and see if he wants to continue getting to know each other. I hope he does, though I would completely understand if he runs a mile and never looks back.

Confused and conflicted

You should read your own post. You say you have never been happy with him. There is surely someone out there you can be happy with.

You also say that what stops you from leaving is how he will deal with it. Guess what, that's not your concern. You CANNOT CONTROL how he feels. You cannot control his reaction. If you keep waiting until your sure that he will be okay with it, then you will never leave, and never find the happiness that you surely deserve.

I have never been married, so take what I say with a grain of salt. BUT, I have been in serious long-term relationships and had to make this same decision. My fiancee only made me unhappy with his refusal to commit and prioritize our relationship. Other things ALWAYS came first. We broke up and got back together numerous times. Then we broke up but stayed close friends because we couldn't bear to not be in contact. Then I realized that continuing to allow him to be in my life when he had hurt me so much was only holding me back emotionally. So I told him we had to break off all contact. He was upset, but it was my decision for what was best for me, so I could move on. And I'm much happier not dealing with his ******** and making me feel less than important.

Marriage is never something to end lightly, but if you are truly as unhappy as you sound, maybe it's time to separate. And again, remember that you have no control over how he will react, and it's not about how he will react. That should not be what makes the decision for you. You should make the decision on what is best for you. That's my take, anyhow.

Good luck,
Seesaw

Hi Waterbear. May I ask what is wrong with your marriage? You said you've been miserable but gave no details. I've never been married, myself.

if you are as unhappy as you say you are, please leave. If nothing has changed between you two for over a decade, what makes you think that things will improve now? You did not provide any details but I guess that would be irrelevant if you are this unhappy.
Have faith in yourself. You dont owe anyone any explanation.

Thank you for your replies, they are much appreciated. It's difficult to explain what is 'wrong because there is so much and the things very from being really big to really small.

We don't have enough common interests in life for me. It always seems to be me coming up with suggestions as to what to do but he rarely wants to do any of them. My suggestions are things like going to the zoo or to the local living history type museums or to castles or exhibits or the theatre or for a walk or to the beach or to the cinema. He says he doesn't mind me going to these places but I can count on one hand how many times we have done these things together in the last year. He wants to play golf or go shopping, or shooting. We do go out for dinner sometimes. He mainky.likes to go to the pub, which I dont. I find just sitting and talking to 'strangers' really difficult and I often find small talk pointless. I like deep meaningful converstaion, but I don't get it.

I find him very difficult to talk to. Things I say about me or about things are often met with one syllable responses which then cuts.me down. I do try to continue sometimes but it's like a brick wall the other side. He loves to talk about himself though, and turns most conversations that way eventually.

I want to interact with my life partner of an evening too by playing board games together or even computer games or by cooking or baking or something. I would even be happy snuggled up on the sofa each reading our own books or watching tv or film together but we don't, we do these things seperately.

And apart from all the things that we don't do together, there is his sense of humour. I find that it can be rude and did, and have asked him many times to save these things for his friends, but he continues to show me pictures and videos that his friends have sent him. I really don't like them. He often says that I have no sense of humour but that really isn't true. I do find things funny and I do laugh, and my friends laugh with me, but our two senses are so far apart that we don't make each other laugh at all anymore it seems.

I find him judgemental of other people as we are out and about where I am tolerant of all.

I find him brash and aggressive sometimes where he finds me oversensitive.

I don't like the way he speaks to me, calls me 'mush' and says 'oi' a lot. Doesn't say please and thank you. I know we are married but that doesnt mean manners go out of the window in my opinion.

He doesn't like to help out with the housework, though he has been doing a little more over the last couple of years.

We sleep in different bedrooms because he goes out drinking and wets the bed. We have different living rooms because he likes to live in a hovel and doesn't keep it even remotely tidy.

I feel like I could just go on and on.

Things have seemed to improve in the last 2 years though, and it is this thst is csusimg me doubt, though these small changes and these slight improvements have not changed my underlying feelings. I think there may be too much resentment, too much dislike.

It sunk in the other day, I think, when we were talking about having children. We have often brought it up in conversation but I have never felt that I wanted children with him, though I do want them for myself. I know that isn't right. He said that He didn't want to change his lifestyle. I talked about how sometimes, when people are put in certain situations they step up to the plate, and said that maybe if we had children he would want to change his lifestyle (drinking, socialising most nights, smoking, not wanting to go and see and do thinhs etc) and he said he didn't think it would make him want to.

For me I want him to want to change, for us, but I accept that if he doesn't then that's fine, but I don't want to be with this person how he is right now. I want something better for myself and I would definitely want something better for my family if ever I did have one.

You make really good points. You seem to have a healthy and a rational perspective on your relationship and your needs. And, more importantly you don’t seem to be making the same mistake that most women do meaning trying to change him.
I say take care of yourself and moveon

One thing I have to ask is if you’ve tried any counseling? Some of the things you mentioned seem like they could be compromised on. I’m not telling you to stay in a relationship you aren’t happy in, but at the same time just like this can and probably will be very hard on him it may be very hard on you. If you see him move on, and let’s say you’re struggling to find someone, you might start questioning your decision. That’s all a part of life though. And while I know people say you shouldn’t date an ex, even if this ends I wouldn’t necessarily consider it entirely final. You just never know what will happen in life.

With all that being said, I’ve seen way too many people end up in miserable marriages and stay in those situations for so many years. Life is just way too short to be unhappy for the duration of it. So if you really think this is what you need to do, then you have to do it. All
I will say is to be careful rushing in with this new guy you have been talking to, I just never think that’s a good idea after any breakup but especially after a divorce.

Thank you. I spent a long time trying to change him but have realised recently that this isn't healthy. He is who he is, and he needs to find someone whose life will merge with his I'm a way that makes them both happy. I really don't think that person is me. Thank you for your perspective. Sometimes I think I am asking too much of life, of a relationship, but others I think h am just asking for what I meed, knowing that not all of it will get met, but most, most of the time. Same for happy. Mostly hall, most of the time. I know it has to be a balance in life.

That's a really good point, that nothing can be a given. Anything in life is possible, within reason!

I have been in counselling for nearly 2 years now, to work on the loss of a mother I never really knew, a family I never opened up to, a past full of abuse etc, and through that I think I have become stronger in myself. Able to stand up for myself more, to say what I need and want and to go out and seek that.

I did ask my husband if he would go to couples counselling, a year or so ago, but he would not. Said he wasn't interested in it, didn't have time for it. Well that is now how I feel about our marriage.

My therapist also said the same as you, that this could be hard on me, that I could get hurt and I know and accept that, but I think I owe it to myself to try. She also talked about the fact that he may find someone else and they may awaken in him all the qualities that I desired. I think that would sting a little, but in a way I would be happy for them. I seem to be in a place of acceptance that we just aren't right for each other, but that someone else may be right for him.

I appreciate I may not always be in such a place of acceptance, but that is life.

The hardest part for me is how. How to do it. How to remain strong in the face of his hurt. How to do that to someone else. How to walk away when I do still have the small reservations. I am not a black and white thinker. I see all possibilities and all opinions and so I am finding thst quite difficukt. How to trust myself and fight for myself. Those are the hardest parts.

Ah, so you did try couples counseling and he wasn’t on board. That’s on him, then. As long as a relationship isn’t abusive, I always think counseling should be considered before ending it. However, as you said, you tried. That’s all you can do. You seem very clear and level-headed, and that’s better than a lot of people in this situation would be able to say.

Something that you should mention to him when and if you make this decision final, is that you did try. You wanted to try to work on things and he didn’t. And I don’t mean saying it to him in a vengeful way, but some people need a real kick in the rear to realize what they’re losing. Which is why I mentioned it doesn’t mean this is final. A trial separation does occasionally work. Again, you just never know. But I 100% agree that you owe it to yourself to give this a shot. This obviously isn’t working, and you’re clearly not happy with the situation, so I don’t think anyone could blame you for this and in fact I think it’s very admirable.

As for his feelings, while I understand having empathy you have to think of yourself in this situation. Again, you gave him a chance and he basically spat in your face. He needs to work on himself whenever this happens. Even if this tears him up at first, it could end up being the best thing that ever happened to either one of you. There’s consequences to things we do, and while nothing I read in your posts scream that he’s some terrible person or anything, you have him a chance to work on things when you felt they weren’t going well. To me, that speaks volumes that he didn’t snatch that opportunity up, and now it may just have to be a decision he has to live with. I wish you both the best of luck through all this, because I know how tough a breakup can be after being together for years.

Not having children simplifies the situation tremendously. I vote also that you move on and build a better life for yourself and your wishes for a family.

It sounds like you two are just completely incompatible. Don't make the mistake of having kids with the hope that it will change him OR the compatibility between you. You two are very different. Kids will just be a mere distraction for the next 18 years until they move out and away from you and will serve as a band aid to bridge the gap. Then you will be left with the same issues you had before. Leaving is most likely the best solution, and finding someone who meshes far better with your interests and lifestyle. ((((Hugs)))) not an easy decision and probably painful, but in the end, perhaps the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband. You deserve to be happy.

You deserve a happier life .. All the things you said that are wrong? Yes they are wrong for "you"

As for explaining to family friends whatever ... Divorce is very common now an those people are not in your life the way a partner would be so they can like it or not, Move on.. Get that Flat and your happiness will grow and grow

Thank you all again for your replies. I feel calmer today about everything. Not much clearer, I don't think, but calmer. The guy I was chatting to did reply, and said that he understood, was appreciative of my honesty and explained his situation to me. We have agreed to continue chatting and getting to know each other but he made it clear he does not want to get involved between me and my husband and that he wants to take things really slowly and with a lot of consideration. I think that is very sensible.

I have been struggling with trying to pretend that everything is normal at home, when I know what I am planning. I got up this afternoon (I am working nights) to a note left by my husband. He hardly ever leaves notes. It said "death leaves a heartache than no one can heal, love leaves us memories that no one can steal". My mind and body went into panic thinking "What does he know. What had he done. Has he left, or has he done something stupid." I didn't know what to do.

In the end I calmed down enough to think rationally and rang him. He was just in the supermarket buying a few bits and bobs. When he got home he told me he had just watched a film and eally liked the quote and thought it would be romantic to leave it there for me. Again, not like him really.

I figured that if ever there was a time to introduce to him how I am feeling, then this was it. If ever someone was going to hand me a cue, then this was then. So I told him how I still wasn't happy. How even though I see him getting his life in order, it doesn't change what is in my heart. That I don't love him and never have. He heard that and agreed with me. He does love me though, and I agreed with him. I told him that I thought we were too different to be right for each other. He seemed to see this. I told him it made me sad because he is a good man, but he doesn't make me happy. We don't make each other laugh and we don't have enough in common anymore. It was all really civil. We sat and listened to each other and agreed that one of our problems is that we don't talk enough, but that's because neither of us feels we can despite both being aware of it and both trying to change this. It improves for a short while and then slips back.

He asked me not to do anything straight away, not to leave straight away, to give it time. I said I had already given it a lot of time, and that i wasn't sure how much longer he needed, or how this time would be any different. Even if things do continue to improve, we agreed that you can't force love if it isn't there. I explained that I didn't want for us what his parents had, and he said he didn't want for us what my parents had either. I agreed. Neither of us had great examples to follow. My parents lived very separate lives but stayed together for us I think. His Mum was half relieved when his Dad died because it set her free. She is now with someone who truly makes her happy. He said he didn't want that for me either.

So all in all a very eventful evening, but one that has led to me feeling more settled, because the truth is out there now on both fronts, and we can take it day by day now.

I am still leaning towards the leaving side, because I have to know whether things could be better. If he chooses to wait and continues to keep building his life up for the better, for hin, then who knows what the future holds, for either of us. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me!!