Sister assaulted me

I'm not sure what I can do, or ask for here. Christmas Eve I was drinking wine and I guess according to my brother I became verbally "abusive", that is something I know I have done in the past when fairly drunk.

She has "controlled" my life for as long as I remember. It would be so hard to explain this, as I am around 50 years old and she is 7 years older. There is so much back story to try to explain and get it out, that I just don't know where to begin.

I called her by accident this morning (not really an accident actually), I was worried because it was a private number and she uses that all the time to me, and my son was out all night so I checked as I missed the call, if it was her. She immediately spoke to me as if everything is normal. I just listened, laughed a bit as I said "my face is all swollen up on the one side", then she started saying "I feel bad about it, but I had to hit you to snap you out of it, you were unresponsive so you had it coming etc."
going on to say, my brother agrees with her that I deserved it, but then she got really defensive and made up a lie. That I was ready to assault my dad. I would never in my life do such a thing. I remember before she hit me, she yelled over and over "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING"

She is the favourite of my Dad's, always was always will be, so I now know my dad will go to the extreme of agreeing with her that I would have assaulted him. She said, "dad agrees with me'.. Her problem is, she already had her daughter and son in law put a restraining order on her. The son in law claims she did many things to them, and I always wondered if my sister was abusing her daughter.

The other problem is, the only witness to what she did is my brother. He doesn't hate me, but things its just normal to hit someone. He hit his own son, punched him, and now his son doesn't talk to him for well over a year.

I'm not innocent, I'm sure I told my sister to **** off before she hit me, but that doesn't merit the extent to which she went. She threatened me in the past, she had her hands on my chin and throat, and this was my first hospitalization in my 20's. I never accused her or brought it up until a few years ago when she began controlling everything that happened to my mother. She was high on mj a few years ago, and said "I know dad still hits mom, he told me so"...... and didn't give a ****. I absolutely am bordering on hate for her. She made up a story on the phone today that I once pushed my mom down the stairs. She is sick. I would never do that, I was always worried for my mother and was checking on her as often as I could. Dad was abusing my mother, I think. THere were dry empty cups by her bed, and clean dishes on one side of the sink every morning to go with his dirty dishes on the other side, to make it look like he made sure she ate something. She was left to lay in bed, and the night she had her "stroke", I seriously wonder if he hit her again.

I'm sorry this is long, but I'm freaked out by it all. They all want me gone, I don't care. I know the truth and that is all that matters. Dad, before she died, asked me to pick up 10 bags of peppermint candies. I refused, she was diabetic, and was given nothing but that to live on. I f n hate my family right now. I needed to vent.

You come from a family that has normalized violence. I don't believe you are naturally violent, yourself. I believe you've been conditioned to being around violence and intimidation. I think you've been so thoroughly conditioned, probably from early in life, that violence may seem to you like an unavoidable part of living. It's not. Most people completely avoid it. You've spent your life immersed in it in one form or another. Your own high intelligence and decent values have caused you to question this "normalcy," but, given your history, that's like a fish trying to question the need for water. Violence is the "medium" you've been swimming in for so long.

Your family is beyond "dysfunctional." Way beyond. Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of alternatives for human connectedness, if any. A lot of your problems in life - like, roughly all of them - are a result of you coming out of this family system. Your sister suggests a "false moral equivalency." That's the idea that her slapping you was called for by some "abusive" behavior on your part. Then there's your brother and father backing her up. You are intelligent enough to analyze this, but anyone subjected to this kind of years' of brainwashing tends to lose their ability to have faith in their own judgement. Somewhere along the line you got designated as the family whipping girl. I'm afraid that's all you are even going to be in that family system. That gives you the options of either staying connected to them and their abuse, or being horribly alone in the universe. That's an awful choice to have to make.

Your sister slapped you because she gets off on slapping people, as your niece can testify. Violent, bullying people aren't usually brave. Your sister calculated that you would not retaliate. (You are seven years younger and probably stronger.) God knows what family pathology groomed her into being what she has become. But your sister and your brother "get off" on hitting people, especially when they drink. (That's what alcohol does. It magnifies a problem.) Stay away from them. Do not drink with them.

In a family where everyone hits the family dog, the dog gets used to it. The dog won't even run away. Please, run away. She talked to you on the phone like nothing happened. Sure. What happened represented normalcy to her. What she said about you assaulting you father is "truth" to her. She can make herself believe any B.S. she needs to believe.

Is there any chance you could draw closer to your niece and nephew? They understand what's going on and might be able to give you some reality checks. Your dad, sis and brother have fabricated their own reality. When you're with them, that's the only reality you'll be part of.

When you were seeing a counselor, did you talk about what goes on in your family? Actually, you were right when you said you have no family - not with these people. I'm sorry. It's awfully sad. Maybe, when your mother was around, there was something there for you. There isn't now. I'm so sorry.

First, I would tell my sister if she ever lays a hand on me again..I am pressing charges..and she will be in jail..if you still have marks..it is still a possibility for you to press charges.

The part where she said you were ABOUT to abuse your father...well if that were true than it sounds like there were plenty of people there that could have "restrained" you vs. hitting you in the face!

When I was drinking heavily in 2005..my X and my children were telling me that i was doing things that I didn't think I would EVER even be capable of....If you are a blackout drinker..and with these "violent" tendencies in your family...I think it is very possible that "in a blackout" you could have been getting ready to abuse your father..

Truly, my X was telling me I was saying things like I wish I never had kids...when I was drunk...and I KNOW I would never consciously say that out loud even if it is true...because i never wanted to hurt my children...I really thought my X was brainwashing my kids to agree with him that i was saying these things when drunk so that I would quit...but I did not believe him and I did not quit.

Then one night they tape recorded me...not only did I say that I wish I never had kids..I said many other things that I thought would never come out of my mouth.

So because there was evidence of my blackouts and my behaviors I had evidence to realize that what they were telling me was true...

If you are blacking out it is very possible you are doing things you wouldn't normally do and NOT remembering these things...Even so...Even IF you were about to go after your father...#1..I'm sure your Dad can handle himself...sounds like he is bully enough to be domestic with your mother...and #2...there were enough people there for there not to have to be violence against you.

Yes, threaten charges IF she ever tries this again. Violence and dysfunction is in your family, but this in no way makes what she did acceptable, no matter what you were saying to her. I would distance myself from her and her controlling ways, too. You deserve your independence. ((((Hugs))))))

Thanks Rose , you understand me and know me well. My niece and her husband live 1000km. away, where my sister lives. Although, since dad is nearing his death she has hinted at plans of moving close to home. My neice is pregnant, and my sister said she doesn't want to have to raise another baby. That's when things went crazy, and I had a message on Facebook from them, they do not want my sister around their baby. Just giving you a bit of a picture of my sister, and I think you know anyways. I will keep my distance from them all, and yes that is all I can do. I did get all the crap from them, the family whipping girl as you said. I did have years of counseling, so I thank you for asking but no counseling can fix this. Thank you, I will be ok, I am thinking again of a part time job to keep me busier. I cleaned all day yesterday and I was so tired I slept well.

Thank you for sharing that with me. But no, I'm not a black out drinker. I remember everything. Except all the words that came out of my mouth, I know I must have said something that I don't remember..

Counseling cannot fix your family. What needs fixing is the way you relate to your family and the way you think about yourself. I was interested in whether or not you have been able to see a link between the violence in your family and you ending up living with a violently abusive man.

It sounds like your niece knows how to shield herself from your sister. You may need to think similarly and not let her be around you. She is beyond toxic. That may mean you need to stay away from you're father as well.

I think working parttime would be healthy for you.

Yes I know there's a link to the way I ended up with an abusive man, I was used to being abused. I do plan on staying away from her, but not sure I can do that to my dad. I might regret that, he is into his 80s and has health issues. I do plan on working, either back to hairstyling or whatever I can find. I need more in my life.

I will try and realize I deserve to be treated without abuse, and that I'm worth something.

It may be that you do need affirmation from outside yourself as to your worth. Most people do. You will never get it from your family. (They are too invested in that distorted reality that they've fabricated.) You've emerged from that family system with a sign on your back that says, "I will tolerate abuse."

I don't believe you look for abusive men. I believe they find you. I believe abusive people are very clever at sizing up who will put up with them. When you decide that you have zero tolerance for being assaulted, you will become unattractive to people who want to mistreat you. They won't waste their time on you. This might feel lonely . . . for fewer people to gravitate toward you. But, over time, you can repair your self-image.

It is illegal for guards who work in prisons to abuse inmates, even the ones guilty of the worst crimes. You don't have to earn the right not to be abused. It is yours, regardless of what mistakes you've made, or what inadequacies you might possess. There is no such thing as a person who deserves to be abused. Even individuals sentenced to capital punishment are treated with basic respect, up till the moment of their execution. Cops are not supposed to slap people they arrest, no matter for what.

These are important standards of behavior that define what we believe in about intrinsic human dignity. I urge you to adopt this belief and live it. In my posts to threads on P.C., I don't believe in telling people what they "deserve." I'm not qualified to judge that. But I feel plenty qualified to recognize that human beings have certain basic rights, regardless of who they are, or how they've lived. I was fortunate to have been raised to believe that from an early age. I do hope you will claim for yourself your basic dignity and right to not have that violated.

There are good people in the world. Finding them isn't always easy. It can be hard to break out of an isolated way of living. Believe me, I know that first hand. Don't waste your precious time with abusers.

The only times I felt I had any worth were when I was working. Or when the kids were learning, and I think I've got to still make a life for myself. Been in this town for 5 years, its time to make a change. I do think part of me is lazy, and I get anxious working in places like restaurants or fast food coffee places, but I will find something. The only cure for me is to keep busy.

Working can get you involved with other people away from your toxic family situation and it can also help when it comes to your sense of self worth. Nice people can be found in all different kinds of work environments and as you come across them it helps to provide you with the knowledge that while there are toxic people around, there are also a lot of nice people out there too.

You have been under so much worth-denying stress for so much of your life that I can see how you have had trouble valuing yourself. I heartily endorse your idea of getting a job, at least part-time. Without getting out of the house to a job, I'm afraid you are just too isolated. I'm living that, myself, right now (as a caregiver) and I'm starting to literally talk to myself for lack of human interaction. You're too young to sit in a recliner in front of the TV for hours everyday. For your generation, that can lead to excess involvement with cyberspace, as an alternative. That is not "reality" either. It's unhealthy for a number of reasons. With a job, you spend some time around real flesh-and-blood humans. There'll be some warmth of human contact. You'll have a few laughs. At the end of the day, you'll have material to churn in your mind about real human beings who become increasingly interesting the more time you spend with them. There'll be some irritations, but you've dealt with worse.

So I hope you do look for and find a place where you could hire on. I floundered in restaurant settings and know how stressful they can be. Once, though, I worked in a little family owned coffee shop and it was a nice experience. So keep an open mind. Chain run franchises can be impersonal. Something owner-operated might be nicer for you. Small retail shops are often needing help. Commit to staying for 6 months. How a job feels initially can often be deceptive. Volunteer work is also an option worth considering.

I think "lazy" is not a fair assessment. "Demoralized" would be more accurate, IMHO. Cut the toxic influences out of your life, while exposing yourself to some reasonably normal specimens of humanity, and you may reprogram your mind. Good luck.

VENT: sorry this got long, do not have to read

I want to add to this thread. I am going through some things that are re-traumatizing. I can't be afraid that my sister cares enough to be reading this thread. I know she knows I've talked about this site, and she knows how to find it. I can't see her bothering to check this out, but if she does oh fn well.

My dad has been ill, she somehow got the restraining order to her daughter released. She always claimed it was my neices husband was a crazy person. But no, he wasn't. I only met him a few times, and the stories she concocted behind his back made me wonder, and still do. But he was protecting his wife from her. And she twisted it around. She went through the court to probably tell lies about him. She acted like she was afraid for her life from him, but I don't believe she ever really was. She wanted control. Always did.

I remember my neice just giving me hints when I had my own hair salon. It was only one time, but I do remember. I believe they made their own kids stupid by abusing them (my sister and her husband). I wasn't eye witness to anything except what I observed, and yet I could do nothing. My niece needs protection. She is under control of her mother, and now has a baby that is in the midst of surgeries. I worry for her but she is a woman who had chances to say, and still does, if there is something she needs help with.

Back when she was little in my salon, I just asked "so how are you and your mom getting along?" she said "she gets angry, and when she does she gets really angry, but then she apologize I then was given a card with just a handprint of her own, my niece's, and some words. My sister was in my home after that, saw it, and immediately picked it up and said "ohhhh, can I see this?" in a quiet way. I said ok, since she was already looking at it. I started putting two and two together back then, but what could I do?
They lived 1000 kms away. I had my own kids. I was working to make a life.

She cut me down back then about my salon, how "I wouldn't have this sign or that, and I wouldn't put this price for that".... she knew how to make me feel stupid for as long as I remember. I got so down about myself that I gave up on the only career path I had left.

Back when I was on sick leave because of her putting me in the hospital in my early 20's, she took control. I was babysitting her kids. She said "here, here's your osap loan, here's the hairstyling school"..... I'm just thinking, what, I don't want to be a hairstylist. She was thinking, well you like beauty obviously since you put make up on and like the way you look (things were said over time that made me realize she thought I had the beauty and she had the brains). I need to stop now... this may not seem like trauma to someone else,
but there is so much more.

My point tonight being, I can't sleep. Dad's sick, she's busy helping her daughter with the "burden" of the baby with some physical problems, and she can't be there with her DAD. So I got tired and couldn't be there for him yesterday and she had the meanest meanest tone in her voice to me. I've been sick myself. To the hospital last night. I want a BREAK from my whole family, but I won't do that to my dad. You respect your parents, that's how I was brought up.

Do you need to be around your family? It sounds like they are the worst people for you to be around, at least right now. I hope you’re able to find some peace and quiet and perhaps go to a counselor and get out of this dysfunction with these people.

Hi Sisabel, yes I have to be around my family as long as my dad is ill. We're not sure yet if this is just from him being in the barn too much last week, or his lungs. He's got the phone right there, and he can reach my sister who has power of attorney. I still am the one who lives closest to him though, and all the responsibility with the barn is left to my elder son. Who also works full time. My car needs repairs so I'm also not sleeping well as I know if I get a call I'm expected to get there first, but I can't help that it needs fixing today. Just can't settle to sleep but hopefully later. Thanks for reading

Yes, when parents are involved sometimes we just have to do what we have to do & put other things on hold....for our parents.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! My family is the same way. I would suggested that you get a restraining order against your sister and call adult social services and have her watch. I would block all contact with her and file assaulted charges against her.

Great advice!

I would still contact social services on your sister.