[Goingcrazy253]

Been married a little over a year now and from time to time I'll look at the wife's phone. Once or twice I've caught her messaging an old boyfriend and I've voiced my concern. She says I have nothing to worry about and I'm controlling and bring insecure.
Last week we were in garage and somehow the subject came up about having sex and she said she had sex with another man. She told me she cheated and i was hurt and let garage for a few minutes and when I came back she told me she didn't cheat or have sex with another man. I asked why she would even say that and get answer was that in always looking at her phone and maybe if she said she cheated I would stop looking and move on. Now I'm totally confused and don't know what happened, she did admit visiting her old boyfriend but says nothing happen. Please anyone can u get some opinions and replies as to what others think. Thank you

[Skeezyks]

Hello Going: I don't know what to tell you about this. What your wife said was certainly unfortunate. But she may have a point too if you're checking her phone & questioning her about her past boyfriend.

On the other hand, since the two of you have only been married for a year, I can also see where things probably feel less secure than they perhaps will as the years go by, assuming the two of you make it long enough for that to happen. (That's not to say older couples can't have similar problems too, though.) It may just be that there is blame to go around. And, that being the case, some couples counseling may be the best way for the two of you to clear the air, as the saying goes.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of successful marital relationships. Perhaps some of the information in them will be of help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-secre...p-or-marriage/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-keys...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/trust-a...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/creatin...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealing-with-betrayal/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Stuck1nhead]

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is putting you through this turmoil. Are you sure you didn't misunderstand her. Something like having an affair would be something that doesn't come out in a nonchalant manner

[Goingcrazy253]

Thank you for the link and advice. The only reason I get in her phone is because I've caught her messaging this guy a couple times and she's assured me it's over. I don't want to be that guy always looking or insecure but right now that's who I am because she has lied to me about him before. She really gaurds her phone and turns off her location which only raises my suspicion. I guess I'm just trying to make sense why she would tell me she cheated knowing it would hurt me. Than telling me she didn't only confusing me even more.I try and bring it up and she really just blows it off like it's not a big deal. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it maybe we should seek help

[Rose76]

First of all, you should not be looking at your wife's phone. The two of you need to work on mutual respect.

Your wife has no business messaging or visiting the old boyfriend. Whether or not those activities led to romantic or sexual activity is beside the point. It's totally inappropriate for married persons to be contacting old boyfriends or old girlfriends. It kind of sounds like the two of you were not really ready to marry each other. There wasn't the trust and respect that marital love requires.

This mistrust of her that you feel didn't just come down out of the blue after you checked her phone. It was already there. That's why you checked the phone. I'm wondering if, maybe, you got married with the hope that marriage would fix your doubts and give you the trust you never really felt towards this young woman? As you are finding, getting married doesn't fix problems like that.

Talk to yourself about the roots of your mistrust and about the problems that were in this relationship back when the two of you were dating. Your wife does not feel honored and respected. Maybe she doesn't deserve a lot of respect? If that's true, then there's a back story to that, which you both know about.

This is a marriage in deep trouble. Your wife isn't very sure she even wants to be married to you. I have to wonder about the maturity level of a young woman who gets married with such an apparent lack of commitment. She's sending you a message to that effect. If your wife really wanted to do something behind your back, she could certainly delete phone records. You only found things on her phone because she left things there for you to find. She orchestrated this whole drama. That's her passive-aggressive way of signaling her discontent to you. Stop taking the bait. Stop playing detective. Tell her that you realize that it may have been a mistake to have gotten married and that maybe you two need to separate. Then leave the ball in her court. She has something on her mind and she needs to spit it out. Hang back from her and wait for her to put things on the table.

Some of your confusion may be that you'ld rather be confused than admit you know there is a big problem here that didn't start with you seeing stuff on the phone. I think you've been wanting to make believe that this was a normal new marriage. Meanwhile she is unhappy but wants you to guess that. So she leaves disturbing clues for you to discover. She wants you to feel disturbed, and she has succeeded. Either she's cruel and likes playing with your head because arousing your jealousy makes her feel more desirable/powerful . . . or . . . she is very unhappy and needs you to notice that.

Don't make this about the old boyfriend. That relationship fizzled out. This is about the marriage. Your wife is clearly not happy about being in this marriage. Before you go starting a family and having a crapload of other tough problems, find out why she is so not satisfied. Maybe it can be fixed. Maybe not. But the game playing should stop. No more her leaving around hints and dropping little revelations for you to bump into in the house and in the garage. Stop being baited. Time to really clear the air. It's not about another guy. It's about does she really want to be married to you? If she only married you as some kind of a favor, then that's not a marriage you want to be in.

A lot of this is theory . . . but you have to start somewhere.

[Goingcrazy253]

Thank you for that and all your points you are making are points I've thought of and believe me I'm not controlling or insecure. I'm not stupid either and I know when something isn't quite right. My wife and I love each other very much,, we've talked about separation, even divorce. Neither of us want that and we both want to move forward, I just find it very difficult if I can't trust what she says and believe me the only part I'm confused about it's why anyone would tell someone they cheated and than say they did not. That's what I can't seem to get off my mind and what bugs me the most. I appreciate everyone's help and advice. I will deal with this and I will move forward with our without her, I love her but I can't be that guy always wondering what she is up to or the guy playing into the games. I would prefer to move forward together but it will take some work.

[Goingcrazy253]

Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is putting you through this turmoil. Are you sure you didn't misunderstand her. Something like having an affair would be something that doesn't come out in a nonchalant manner

No I did not misunderstand her.. she said it and she took it back. I'm just wondering if she took it back because she saw me hurting and something did really happen.. I'm loyal and I can't be with someone that is not.

Sounds like you two need to have a discussion about trust and boundaries. You don't trust her enough so you're looking at her phone -- why exactly? Has she given you reasons to not trust her? That is an invasion of privacy and is a no-no in a relationship. She should not be visiting an old boyfriend, however. And why is she messaging her old boyfriend? These things need to be talked about. Seems she was just angry about you looking at her phone, so she lashed out by saying she cheated. How is the marriage otherwise?

[Goingcrazy253]

marriage is ok I mean we are not perfect but no means and my big thing is I don't believe in keeping secrets or hiding anything. My phone is an open book. Everything I do is an open book. I have nothing to hide and is not like I'm waiting around every corner when she puts her phone down I'm pouncing like a tiger. . Every once in awhile and when I see something I don't agree with I'm gonna say something and this ex bf thing just keeps lingering and I've explained to my wife my concern and when she replies back to the guy it's only keeping an old flame burning. She says there only friends and nothing ever happened but it's an issue were still working out. It's just really tough hearing your wife tell you with a straight face looking me in the eye that she cheated. Than ten minutes later say you didn't. That's what has me stumped, did you or didn't you and to move forward and for me to trust again I need to be confident that I don't have to worry about this guy and right now she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Again I like things to be out in open and not the your to just sweep under the rug. I've been married once before for twenty years. Three kids that are grown now and I don't need to play games and I married this woman because I never thought I would have to worry about her cheating or lying or doing things behind my back and for the most part I can trust her and don't have to worry.. it's just this one guy that does not seem to want to go away. My only next option is to trip him myself but I'm sure that won't go well and it should not be an issue but it is

[Rose76]

A married woman has no business continuing a relationship with a former boyfriend where she is texting him and/or stopping by to visit him. That leads to her confiding in him, which is wrong even if nothing else is going on. She needs to find some girlfriends. The old boyfriend has to be totally off limits.

She's deliberately dangling this former relationship in front of you to make you feel she's got another option besides you. So what is she mad about? What is she resentful of? What started all of this? It didn't start with the old boyfriend. Her interest in him is the result, not the cause. What is she dissatisfied with? You don't have to discuss that here, but ask yourself. The marriage is not okay. She's ticked off about something.

She is looking to tease you with this connection to the old flame. She wants you hot and bothered, and she's succeeding. You say the two of you have already talked about separation and divorce. That's not normal one year into a marriage.

It isn't necessary for a married person to be a totally open book to a spouse. Everyone has a right to some personal space and privacy. I expect my guy to not look inside my purse and to not root around inside my drawyers or inside my closet. I'm not hiding a blessed thing, but I expect my "space" to be respected as mine. I don't go looking through his wallet. That's the normal mutual respect that a good relationship requires. I shouldn't get overly interrogated about my past or, even, my present. I don't interrogate him. He doesn't have a right to know every thought that passes through my head or get a report on every conversation I have.

I know you're burning to know what went on between her and the old bf. Let it go. You're not going to know. Even, if she tells you something, you won't know if it's the truth. Meanwhile, you're letting her mess with your head. It's not "insecure" of you to expect her to terminate contact with this old bf. She owes you that, if she wants to stay married. This can't be negotiable. Nevermind quizzing her about "what happened." If you suspect she visits the old bf, then get proof. Hire a detective, if you have strong suspicions. That would not be wrong because she has already put it out there that she might be doing this. So find out, once and for all.

I hope you can get this marriage on a more secure footing. Right now, it's barely a marriage - with the amount of distrust and gameplaying going on. That's no way to live. Expect better out of life.

[Np1986]

I'm going through issues with my wife.... one minute it's good next minute we talk about divorce.... one problem I've always had was being insecure... I would always look through her phone.... this only hurts you in the end.... your going to drive yourself nuts man... you have to realize that you can't control how she feels... just be yourself... I know easier said then done but if it was meant to be it will be and if it isn't it will show.... just keep in your head you can't control how she feels... you have to let a certain part of careing go... in trying to do the same.. it's hard but like I said all this insecurities are going to eat you alive

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your wife has no business messaging or visiting the old boyfriend. Whether or not those activities led to romantic or sexual activity is beside the point. It's totally inappropriate for married persons to be contacting old boyfriends or old girlfriends.

Don't agree - there is no reason why people can't stay friends with exes, I am friends with my ex wife still and several previous partners, we are all adults about it and can maintain our boundaries perfectly well. If partners are too insecure to handle that, that's something they both need to work on, as adults. Not by imposing restrictions, playing games or snooping on each other.

[Goingcrazy253]

Thank you everyone for all the advice. It's greatly appreciated and well taken . Wife and I have discussed the issue with old bf and she has blocked him on all messaging apps and phone so time will tell . She also admitted it is wrong of her to be contacting him ...something I've been telling her all along . I have some things I could do better myself and by no means an I perfect so again time will tell. Love conquers all,right.....

[Rose76]

Well maybe there is reason to be hopeful. Your wife seems to be seeing the light.

I wish you both the best.