[iamnobody11235813]

Please help me; I am hurting and have been for a while and my wife does not consider my feelings important. She has not actually cheated on me, but my feelings are though as if she had. This all happened a couple months ago.

My wife recently gave birth and started selling her surplus breastmilk for some income. She began selling to a man, single, age in the high 20s; we are both in our low 20s. I felt very uneasy about this, and she did as well, but I gave my consent because she was desperate for some independence and I love my wife and don't want to see her miserable. They would meet in a public location and exchange breastmilk bags for money.

I started seeing a couple of the texts they had exchanged. Their conversations were overly friendly, too friendly for me to feel comfortable with, and definitely more than a business relationship. My wife knew I had seem some of her texts, and didn’t resist aggressively, but I could tell she was very annoyed that I was interested in the dialogue between them. They exchanged things about each of their personal lives to each other. My wife would stay up late at night in bed texting him while I lay next to her, asleep. I am a full-time student, leave in the morning when it’s dark, get back from school when it’s dark, get 4-5 hours (max) of sleep each night; so I am always tired. I felt very uncomfortable about all this friendly texting, but my wife is not very tolerant of my feelings when I don’t like something. It’s always the story of I am the one who is too controlling, fight breaks out; I just don’t have the energy for that all the time so we go to bed angry with each other. It wasn’t until later that I found out she was frequently staying up until 3 a.m. texting him! About very personal things, sometimes sexual things (see below), while her own husband - who is gone all day working hard and trying to excel in school - was sleeping right beside her!

The overly friendly texts continued. He started offering to buy her stuff. He even suggested to take her out shopping, just the two of them! This my wife did tell me, asking if it was okay with me (it was clearly totally okay with her, which disturbed me all the more), and I was incredibly disturbed at his offer, but managed to hold my composure. Remarkably, I managed to convince her to decline him taking her shopping. Still, she shared things with him about her day that she would normally share with me (which stopped or severely declined).

He even called her one time and they spoke on the phone while I was there. It was about her declining him taking her shopping. She started getting all emotional and crying because she was embarrassed to decline his offer, and because she wanted to accept it. Now how do you think I felt, my wife becoming emotionally involved with another man, on the phone while I was there, and having to take care of the baby! One time they got in an argument through texting, and she would hole herself up in our room and close the door, for hours, texting him, very emotionally involved in the texting, like each and every reply of his directly affected her mood and happiness level. And I am the bad guy, because my disagreement with the nature of their relationship causes that I am a controlling husband who doesn’t understand! How do you think I felt, how utterly emasculated I felt, having to stand there taking care of the baby and say “well honey, what are you guys arguing about?”. I shouldn’t have to say that!! I am her ****ing husband! And I was to stand by like a ****ing woman friend of hers, watching while they argued like a couple. This was yet another deep wound.

A couple weeks went by, and I happened to check her phone. I was horrified by what I saw.

There were tons of texts – TONS of them. Way too many for a business-only relationship. They were overly friendly/flirtatious with each other. He called her a sweet girl multiple times, and she said he was a sweet guy as well. There was TONS of this – him wishing he had such an amazing girl as her, her saying he’s such a sweet guy and couldn’t figure out why some lucky girl hasn’t snatched him up forever. (her words verbatim)

Then the texts got more personal. He started asking “do your breasts just… drip [when you pump]?”; this is incredibly graphic and deeply hurt and angered me. It clearly showed he had nothing but lustful thoughts for her. She’d reply “more like spray” and was totally okay with answering his questions even though they were way too personal. He even hinted at wanting to suck her milk directly from her breasts a few times. She of course said no but didn’t do anything to stop him from continuing to prod. He said she should jump in his truck and pump with him there. He said “it’s not like that, it’s not about watching you, I just want to see what you do”. To my complete horror the next text was “well alright.”. I couldn’t believe it! I think this is what hurt me the most, to see my wife so easily swayed by this stranger into doing something totally inappropriate and betraying to me!

She didn’t end up doing that, simply because they didn’t arrive at the meet up point at the same time, but she did pump in her car while he was maybe 20 feet away in his car. This was late at night, it was dark out, in a location she was unfamiliar with. Anyway, then of course he got to drink the warm fresh milk – he might as well have drunk it straight from her!

I told my wife how I felt, and she expressed regret, and told me she would stop selling to him, but never once said she was sorry. Now that I think back on it, I can’t remember why wife ever saying sorry for anything in our entire marriage for things that were genuinely her fault.

That was all a month or two ago. If I brought this up now wanting to clear my feelings, it’d only anger her saying I don’t let things go. We’ve had other talks since then about various things, like the raising of our child, talks in which it was clearly evident she did not value my opinion in the least and had her mind set.

But I really, really hurt inside. If I let all this just sit inside me I feel it will destroy me, and our marriage. Please help.

[iamnobody11235813]

Page two, and not a single reply? Really? Will no one help me??

[avlady]

Your situation is one I have never heard about, i don't know why anybody hasn't written back yet although. Your wife certainly is the bad guy here, people just don't do that kind of stuff. I would have her stop, i mean tell her you'll leave her if she doesn't stop, it's not fair. You are her husband, and wives just don't act like that. Maybe you can forgive her also if she stops, if that is an option for you if you're willing to forgive her, she does need forgiveness. I really am flabergasted about this issue, maybe I'm just stupid, but i have never even heard of anyone doing such a thing like selling breastmilk before. Wish you luck!!

[jadzea]

I don't know if I can say much to help but I am sorry your wife is putting you in this situation. If I may say so, I find it a little distressing that she is selling her milk to a single man with no children. There are so many babies in NICU's that really need the milk. She could certainly find a more appropriate outlet for her excess. How did she meet this man?

She is definitely feeding (no pun intended) into the buyers sexual fantasies. My office mate had 2 very premature babies and she nursed them for over a year. She used to sit at her desk and pump her milk several times during the day. There was nothing sexy or attractive about the process.

You have a right to feel betrayed. Your wife and this man are being much too intimate. I don't know what you can say or do but she needs to stop dealing with him and get on with being a wife and mother.

[iamnobody11235813]

Thank you so much for replying, both of you. I really hurt because of this whole issue and desperately want to reconcile my feelings.

My wife has indeed stopped selling to him when I originally told her how I felt, about a month and a half ago when this was going on. She stopped communicating with him, but what really hurts me the most is I never, ever, felt that she was truly sorry. She has never told me as such. I think, deep down, maybe she is a little sorry, just a little bit, but it really disturbs me that she is too proud to show it and to attempt to reconnect with me. It tells me she doesn't know what a real relationship is. She has traditionally had an issue with ever finding fault within herself. Quite the opposite of me, I am so critical of myself a lot of the time.

Originally Posted by avlady

Your situation is one I have never heard about, i don't know why anybody hasn't written back yet although. Your wife certainly is the bad guy here, people just don't do that kind of stuff. I would have her stop, i mean tell her you'll leave her if she doesn't stop, it's not fair. You are her husband, and wives just don't act like that. Maybe you can forgive her also if she stops, if that is an option for you if you're willing to forgive her, she does need forgiveness. I really am flabergasted about this issue, maybe I'm just stupid, but i have never even heard of anyone doing such a thing like selling breastmilk before. Wish you luck!!

This isn't one of those things that are unforgivable, I know that I can forgive her, eventually. But I definitely cannot forgive her while there is such unrest with my feelings and me feeling so hurt, and her not sincerely showing me that she is sorry and desiring forgiveness.

Originally Posted by jadzea

I don't know if I can say much to help but I am sorry your wife is putting you in this situation. If I may say so, I find it a little distressing that she is selling her milk to a single man with no children. There are so many babies in NICU's that really need the milk. She could certainly find a more appropriate outlet for her excess. How did she meet this man?

She is definitely feeding (no pun intended) into the buyers sexual fantasies. My office mate had 2 very premature babies and she nursed them for over a year. She used to sit at her desk and pump her milk several times during the day. There was nothing sexy or attractive about the process.

You have a right to feel betrayed. Your wife and this man are being much too intimate. I don't know what you can say or do but she needs to stop dealing with him and get on with being a wife and mother.

To her credit, she is also selling to a mother who adopted a young child who has health issues and who has been doing marvelously since being on my wife's milk. My wife is a good person, but I am worried that she just doesn't understand boundaries, emotional connection, and how real marriage relationships are supposed to be.

Both her customers contacted her through an ad she placed on the internet. An ad she placed before letting me know that she was intending on selling her breastmilk.

Sounds like an emotional [at the least] betrayal. An emotional affair? I dunno. I would be very crushed if I were you. I think you two need a sit down. Question is...what are you prepared to do if this continues? How old are the two of you?

[iamnobody11235813]

We recently had another big issue surrounding Mother's Day (another story, another day), in which she made a thoroughly berating comment towards me in front of my own parents, and I refused to take that from her. We didn't talk for a few days and when we did it was violent talk, shouting. She even hit me and threw some of my DVDs, breaking one of the cases. She threatened divorce and started googling divorce lawyers. This is quite significant for her, because throughout our marriage, she has never, ever wanted to hear "we" and "divorce" in the same sentence. While I know it was an empty threat, I still feel hurt by her behavior. I thought it was all going to end that night, but she didn't have the balls to follow through. Miraculously, I managed to get her to understand my feelings, and after continual attempts to get her to do so, she finally said she was sorry. I think that is the only time in our 2 year marriage that she's told me she was sorry. Deep down though I can tell she said it out of obligation.

Throughout all that fighting, I continually said that I thought we should do marriage counseling. She had originally brought up that topic several months ago, but I found out it was just an empty threat of hers. When I raised the issue now with complete sincerity, she vehemently opposed it. She thinks we have failed as a couple if we do that. Which in a way that's true, but that does not make it any less necessary, especially if the marriage should be more important than one of the partner's pride. In an attempt to make her more comfortable, I even said I was willing to do LDS family services, which I have all kinds of issues with the LDS religion, and was scared to even suggest doing that, but I desperately wanted to resolve this issue.

But she did say she was sorry, whether or not it was 100% sincere. So the issue is more or less, "kind of" done, on the backburner, but there are still feelings inside of me, and inside of her too, that are unresolved because of that conflict.

I am just really worried that she will continue to refuse marriage counseling, and that our relationship will continue to suffer, that I will continue to suffer her emotional abuse, that we will continue going through life, wasting one another's time because one of us is living in denial. Financially and emotionally, a divorce right now would utterly devastate me, but I actually feel it is necessary if this goes unresolved, since more conflicts (and more serious ones) can happen in the future.

[iamnobody11235813]

Originally Posted by Lux_et_spes

Sounds like an emotional [at the least] betrayal. An emotional affair? I dunno. I would be very crushed if I were you. I think you two need a sit down. Question is...what are you prepared to do if this continues? How old are the two of you?

We are both about 24.

I highly doubt it was an emotional affair because I really don't think she ever had actual feelings for him. But she definitely had an emotional dependency on him. I don't think she understands how to control her feelings, or how anything she does affects my feelings. I really don't feel like she has or tries to have an emotional connection with me. Not so much that she doesn't think that it's important, but more the fact that I don't think she understands the necessity of it or what it really means.

No, I would really push the issue to divorce if I feel she does not learn and continues to emotionally abuse me. Divorce would utterly shatter me, as I love my beautiful little 7 month old baby girl more than I can possibly imagine. I was so hopelessly in love with my child (don't take that the wrong way) when she was born, and still am. I would do anything for her, and it really pierces and hurts me when she bonks her head and gets hurt, or cries. I know that is irrational, but I cannot help but love my daughter with such an intense love even I cannot fathom.

Financially, I am in no position for a divorce; that would hurt me badly and really subjugate or endanger my financial/educational future. And as much as a divorce would destroy me because of my desire to be with my daughter, I would choose to go that route and subject myself to all the pain, because I am not willing to endure a potentially toxic relationship that I don't believe in.

Right now I am just searching for support and any advice at all that there might be hope for us, and what specifically that hope is. Thanks for listening.

[hamster-bamster]

I am well aware of the breast milk fetish and I agree that personally when I picture a pumping woman I find it off putting whereas seeing an actual mother nurse a baby in my experience causes very tender feelings in men who are normal, two guys in my experience, because normal men react to the beauty of mother baby bond.

That aside, I personally believe that unless your wife is in very severe financial distress, she should be donating all her excess milk to babies in need rather than selling it. Breast milk is a blessing rather than a commodity, unless, again, there is severe financial need. It is not that I am against fetishes or find the guy perverted or anything, as I do not, but I just do not like seeing monetization of blessings. Also, children fed the milk of the same woman feel a bond that is special and unique. My mother had ample supply and donated to a boy whose mother was dry and he became my wet nursing brother or milk brother and I feel bonded to him. Actually I will look him up on the web today as I have lost track of him. Both his mother and mine have already passed away.

I know this will sound weird to you but try convincing her to donate rather than sell, and I am sure that she will become a better person because treating blessings the way they should be treated will straighten her moral character.

I wanted to donate milk following in my mother's footsteps but I could not because aalthough I too had ample supply, I found it cumbersome, difficult, painful, and inefficient to pump with a manual pump. Maybe Medela would have solved my problem but I did not have money for The industrial strength Medela. Luckily for my sense of fulfilling my purpose in life, I had a babysitter who had a son my baby son's age and I nursed her son a couple of times on occasion directly from my breast.

I do not believe in karma but if your wife does, you call tell her that selling milk to fetisists is karmacn

[hamster-bamster]

Is karma-neutral while donating to babies in need increases or improves the karma greatly.

Again, unless there is a critically severe financial need.

This is probably not what you expected to hear but try this approach.

[hamster-bamster]

I have reread the thread and have a question.

Does she supply the adopted baby with all the baby needs to grow or is the baby also fed some formula?

[hamster-bamster]

also, what is LDS?

[hamster-bamster]

Your loving your baby daughter does not sound irrational. It sounds normal. You will probably get partial custody of her if you and your wife separate.

[hamster-bamster]

Well sorry reread again.

So she is physicaally violent so you need to engage a divorce lawyer to get partial custody. She has declared a war on you and you should respond with wartime measures, a la guerrre comme a la guerre. In other words, stop suggesting counseling and get a lawyer.

[Harley47]

I agree with Hamster, by and large, though I can completely understand if financial distress motivated her decision. Additionally, based on your post, you really didn't have much input in the matter...something I will address momentarily.

Largely, to me it seem like the underlying issue is a severe lack of communication between you two, stemming from a seeming unwillingness of your wife to communicate. While I don't think it necessary that a spouse report and ask permission of necessarily everything (it's a partnership, not a hierarchy), the...intimate nature, I suppose, of what she's doing I think should've at least warranted a passing question on your end BEFORE she posted. Additionally, her communique with the guy in question was entirely out of line...the nature of what they were discussing was, in my opinion, on a sexual and personal basis (despite declining physical contact, she was willing to indulge in part his fantasy, which, following an admittedly pessimistic line of thought, are the first steps to a bad road), and the fact that she agreed initially to sell to the guy can be argued as such as well. She knew full and well what purpose the milk served to him. Again, while I can perhaps understand finances are tight, that should've been discussed in full with you.

I am glad to hear that she has ceased contact with the guy. That is a vital first step in working things out. But she MUST be willing to talk to you about things...it has to happen. The three big pillars in any relationship are honesty, communication, and respect. She has, in part, violated all three. Were I you, I would sit her down and try to have a talk with her. She needs to understand that you, as a couple, need to communicate, and you need to make her understand the severity of your perception (which I do think is correct) that she doesn't value your feelings. She should also take some consideration into your proposal for marriage counseling. Ultimately, she needs to be cognizant of the fact that she is your partner and your wife, and thus she needs to, to keep with the analogy, include you into the team. Otherwise...I'm not sure this can keep up.

Please know you are in my prayers, and I hope things work out for the best.

Hugs,
Harley

Edit: LDS stands for Latter Day Saints, or more formally the Church of Latter Day Saints, commonly known as Mormons.

[hamster-bamster]

I also agree with Harley that if there is a situation of a dire financial need, she should have consulted with you before placing an ad. That she placed an ad without telling you tells me that she was. Acting in a frivolous manner since there was no dire need.

[almostthere]

I'm still processing your situation. I'm fifty-nine years of age and I've seen and heard, and experienced many things as u can imagine. But to b honest with u I've never heard anything like what u r going through. Never.. I still can't believe it bro!

I t would b improper to give u advice on this one because frankly I don't know what to tell u.

As a man i can understand your anxiety and anger over the whole situation. I would feel the same way.

Maybe u and your wife should consider some marraige counseling. But since u have such a busy schedule I really don't know if that would work but it's something u and your wife should consider. I get the impression that u want the marraige to work but not under the present existing conditions. Worst case scenario...... stay with her until u finish school and if she doesn't change her behavior F***** leave her bro.... that's my advice.

Take care.

Originally Posted by iamnobody11235813

Please help me; I am hurting and have been for a while and my wife does not consider my feelings important. She has not actually cheated on me, but my feelings are though as if she had. This all happened a couple months ago.

My wife recently gave birth and started selling her surplus breastmilk for some income. She began selling to a man, single, age in the high 20s; we are both in our low 20s. I felt very uneasy about this, and she did as well, but I gave my consent because she was desperate for some independence and I love my wife and don't want to see her miserable. They would meet in a public location and exchange breastmilk bags for money.

I started seeing a couple of the texts they had exchanged. Their conversations were overly friendly, too friendly for me to feel comfortable with, and definitely more than a business relationship. My wife knew I had seem some of her texts, and didn’t resist aggressively, but I could tell she was very annoyed that I was interested in the dialogue between them. They exchanged things about each of their personal lives to each other. My wife would stay up late at night in bed texting him while I lay next to her, asleep. I am a full-time student, leave in the morning when it’s dark, get back from school when it’s dark, get 4-5 hours (max) of sleep each night; so I am always tired. I felt very uncomfortable about all this friendly texting, but my wife is not very tolerant of my feelings when I don’t like something. It’s always the story of I am the one who is too controlling, fight breaks out; I just don’t have the energy for that all the time so we go to bed angry with each other. It wasn’t until later that I found out she was frequently staying up until 3 a.m. texting him! About very personal things, sometimes sexual things (see below), while her own husband - who is gone all day working hard and trying to excel in school - was sleeping right beside her!

The overly friendly texts continued. He started offering to buy her stuff. He even suggested to take her out shopping, just the two of them! This my wife did tell me, asking if it was okay with me (it was clearly totally okay with her, which disturbed me all the more), and I was incredibly disturbed at his offer, but managed to hold my composure. Remarkably, I managed to convince her to decline him taking her shopping. Still, she shared things with him about her day that she would normally share with me (which stopped or severely declined).

He even called her one time and they spoke on the phone while I was there. It was about her declining him taking her shopping. She started getting all emotional and crying because she was embarrassed to decline his offer, and because she wanted to accept it. Now how do you think I felt, my wife becoming emotionally involved with another man, on the phone while I was there, and having to take care of the baby! One time they got in an argument through texting, and she would hole herself up in our room and close the door, for hours, texting him, very emotionally involved in the texting, like each and every reply of his directly affected her mood and happiness level. And I am the bad guy, because my disagreement with the nature of their relationship causes that I am a controlling husband who doesn’t understand! How do you think I felt, how utterly emasculated I felt, having to stand there taking care of the baby and say “well honey, what are you guys arguing about?”. I shouldn’t have to say that!! I am her ****ing husband! And I was to stand by like a ****ing woman friend of hers, watching while they argued like a couple. This was yet another deep wound.

A couple weeks went by, and I happened to check her phone. I was horrified by what I saw.

There were tons of texts – TONS of them. Way too many for a business-only relationship. They were overly friendly/flirtatious with each other. He called her a sweet girl multiple times, and she said he was a sweet guy as well. There was TONS of this – him wishing he had such an amazing girl as her, her saying he’s such a sweet guy and couldn’t figure out why some lucky girl hasn’t snatched him up forever. (her words verbatim)

Then the texts got more personal. He started asking “do your breasts just… drip [when you pump]?”; this is incredibly graphic and deeply hurt and angered me. It clearly showed he had nothing but lustful thoughts for her. She’d reply “more like spray” and was totally okay with answering his questions even though they were way too personal. He even hinted at wanting to suck her milk directly from her breasts a few times. She of course said no but didn’t do anything to stop him from continuing to prod. He said she should jump in his truck and pump with him there. He said “it’s not like that, it’s not about watching you, I just want to see what you do”. To my complete horror the next text was “well alright.”. I couldn’t believe it! I think this is what hurt me the most, to see my wife so easily swayed by this stranger into doing something totally inappropriate and betraying to me!

She didn’t end up doing that, simply because they didn’t arrive at the meet up point at the same time, but she did pump in her car while he was maybe 20 feet away in his car. This was late at night, it was dark out, in a location she was unfamiliar with. Anyway, then of course he got to drink the warm fresh milk – he might as well have drunk it straight from her!

I told my wife how I felt, and she expressed regret, and told me she would stop selling to him, but never once said she was sorry. Now that I think back on it, I can’t remember why wife ever saying sorry for anything in our entire marriage for things that were genuinely her fault.

That was all a month or two ago. If I brought this up now wanting to clear my feelings, it’d only anger her saying I don’t let things go. We’ve had other talks since then about various things, like the raising of our child, talks in which it was clearly evident she did not value my opinion in the least and had her mind set.

But I really, really hurt inside. If I let all this just sit inside me I feel it will destroy me, and our marriage. Please help.

[iamnobody11235813]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That aside, I personally believe that unless your wife is in very severe financial distress, she should be donating all her excess milk to babies in need rather than selling it. Breast milk is a blessing rather than a commodity, unless, again, there is severe financial need. It is not that I am against fetishes or find the guy perverted or anything, as I do not, but I just do not like seeing monetization of blessings. Also, children fed the milk of the same woman feel a bond that is special and unique. My mother had ample supply and donated to a boy whose mother was dry and he became my wet nursing brother or milk brother and I feel bonded to him. Actually I will look him up on the web today as I have lost track of him. Both his mother and mine have already passed away.

I know this will sound weird to you but try convincing her to donate rather than sell, and I am sure that she will become a better person because treating blessings the way they should be treated will straighten her moral character.

I would roughly consider us to be in severe financial need. I have no job, she has no job, I’m paying for full-time college education, we’re living off our savings to support her, I, and our beautiful baby, and luckily we’re living at my parents’ place. I also have a very restrictive budget that I impose on us, so I can understand her need for her own money, and why she found it very difficult to turn down the man’s offer to take her shopping and buy us things we need (or so he said, he also offered to buy her really expensive shoes, the ****). I don’t want that man’s help and especially not considering it will damage my wife and I’s relationship more, and his offer still fills me with disgust and rage.

I don’t think she has a problem with being giving. She is a very giving person; she is good at making crafts and things with her hands and has made wonderful gifts for my family members for Christmas and birthdays. She used to be quite giving to me; that has declined, though she does still sew up holes in my pants and such. I think her bent morals are more a product of her naivety and not understanding other people’s feelings. She can act like quite a young girl at times, wanting her wants and needs to be met but not realizing - or ignoring - the needs and wants of others. For example, last summer she was in the middle of the pregnancy. She was constantly pestering to have the thermostat down to keep her cool, because she didn’t want our baby to get too hot and get brain damage. What ended up happening is the rest of the family (not me since I am gone all the time) were cold because the temperature was too low for them. Naturally my wife’s body heat was higher than normal because of the extra person inside of her. It is fine to worry for the health of your child, but she did so in a way that was insensitive and frankly, offensive, to those around her.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Does she supply the adopted baby with all the baby needs to grow or is the baby also fed some formula?

I'm sure the baby has all the milk it needs from the amount my wife sells to the mother. Each time she drives up here to buy some, the supply my wife sells her usually lasts her about a month, maybe a little over. I can't say for sure whether or not the mother also supplements with formula.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

also, what is LDS?

Sorry, it is the Mormon church. Formally, "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints".

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So she is physicaally violent so you need to engage a divorce lawyer to get partial custody. She has declared a war on you and you should respond with wartime measures, a la guerrre comme a la guerre. In other words, stop suggesting counseling and get a lawyer.

I should have given more context. My wife is not naturally a violent person, at least not to me, that was the first time she ever hit me. We were fighting and I made the comment that she reminds me so much of her mother. She despises the correlation and I knew that, her mother is screwed up and frankly screwed up the childhood (and lives to an extent) of her and all her siblings. But I meant what I said, she truly was exhibiting some behaviors her mother has, and she punched me on the shoulder while I was laying down on the bed because of how greatly it offended and angered her. This is compounded with the hurt she was dealing with from Mother’s Day (again, another story but I don’t feel I am totally in the wrong there either, she expects a perfect Mother’s Day unconditional from how poorly she may treat me in the days leading up to). So I understand why she hit me. It didn’t really even hurt physically, but it hurt my feelings that she would actually resort to that, when she never has before. I believe her actions were more a retaliation of the hurt she felt and not a purely malicious intent towards me. Regardless, there are issues surrounding why she felt hurt and I recognize those, but she needs to recognize how she’s hurt me as well.

Originally Posted by Harley47

Largely, to me it seem like the underlying issue is a severe lack of communication between you two, stemming from a seeming unwillingness of your wife to communicate. While I don't think it necessary that a spouse report and ask permission of necessarily everything (it's a partnership, not a hierarchy), the...intimate nature, I suppose, of what she's doing I think should've at least warranted a passing question on your end BEFORE she posted. Additionally, her communique with the guy in question was entirely out of line...the nature of what they were discussing was, in my opinion, on a sexual and personal basis (despite declining physical contact, she was willing to indulge in part his fantasy, which, following an admittedly pessimistic line of thought, are the first steps to a bad road), and the fact that she agreed initially to sell to the guy can be argued as such as well. She knew full and well what purpose the milk served to him. Again, while I can perhaps understand finances are tight, that should've been discussed in full with you.

I am glad to hear that she has ceased contact with the guy. That is a vital first step in working things out. But she MUST be willing to talk to you about things...it has to happen. The three big pillars in any relationship are honesty, communication, and respect. She has, in part, violated all three. Were I you, I would sit her down and try to have a talk with her. She needs to understand that you, as a couple, need to communicate, and you need to make her understand the severity of your perception (which I do think is correct) that she doesn't value your feelings. She should also take some consideration into your proposal for marriage counseling. Ultimately, she needs to be cognizant of the fact that she is your partner and your wife, and thus she needs to, to keep with the analogy, include you into the team. Otherwise...I'm not sure this can keep up.

Yes, exactly. She should have definitely asked me before posting the ad, or at least told me that she was going to before doing it, so I would have time to voice my opinion. Frankly, this is the smaller issue. My memory sometimes fizzles some facts and she might very well have gotten my word before posting the ad, but I cannot remember. I do not think she did; regardless, moving on.

Yes, precisely! The fact that she permitted to engage in such questionable (and offensive) subject matter with someone who she should’ve had a business-only relationship with. She says she is committed to me, and I believe her intentions are good, but I do not think she knows what it means to truly be committed to someone. I don’t think she understands what is and is not appropriate in marriage. The marriage of her parents is the complete opposite of an appropriate role. She prides herself on being an “open-minded Mormon” which, ironically, was one of the things that attracted me to her, but there are certain interpersonal relationship skills which she has not learned in going through life, and certainly didn’t learn it in her messed up childhood. I have talked to her about how she’s allowed him to carry on such disturbing conversations with her, and she defends by saying she wants to have open conversations with him and be open and comfortable to discussing anything, praising his curiosity. Which I find utterly sickening! Being open-minded is one thing, but there is no necessity, whatsoever, at having open conversations with a business partner! She doesn’t need to be his ****ing friend!

When he initially contacted her, her told her the milk was for nutritional benefits, and were for his workouts and training. I can’t really say whether or not that is true, but I think it’s undeniable that he was getting a huge sexual thrill off the whole thing.

My wife did talk to me about possibly selling to a man before she agreed to sell to him, and pained me very much, but after much thought, reluctantly I agreed. I knew how much pain she was in being cooped up at home all the time, not feeling like she has a life or that she is even loved or valued. I hated to see my wife in such a miserable state, so as painful as it was to consider this new disturbing development, I agreed to let her.

Thank you again for your kind and supportive words, you and everyone else.

[~Christina]

I am very sorry for your situation, very tough one.

This maybe a silly question but,

Has your relationship and marriage with her ever been a " healthy relationship" by that I mean, loving, caring , respectful? and things like decision making together? Agreeing on the specifics of taking care of finances, what is a need versus a want. Everyone needs a " want" every blue moon.

Maybe she is just immature? maybe she is overwhelmed with you always gone for school and her taking care of the baby.. lonely maybe? I am not saying that excuses her actions at all. Just a thought.

If your marriage has just declined to resentment and disrespect ? Or Has the relationship never really been one of mutual respect and understanding ?

Both problems can be overcome, will take a lot of work, no quick fix sad to say.

[hamster-bamster]

If she has so much milk that her baby thrives and the adopted baby thrives and she still has a surplus, and you have a valid financial need, then it is acceptable to sell breast milk, but I would sell to an established institution, such as a breast milk bank, because an established institution would not want to take your wife out shopping for designer shoes.

[iamnobody11235813]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I am very sorry for your situation, very tough one.

This maybe a silly question but,

Has your relationship and marriage with her ever been a " healthy relationship" by that I mean, loving, caring , respectful? and things like decision making together? Agreeing on the specifics of taking care of finances, what is a need versus a want. Everyone needs a " want" every blue moon.

Yes, it has, but it is up and down all the time. Our marriage life is like a rollercoaster that oscillates before we are really able to catch our breath, it seems. We've had times where we have really understood each other and connected emotionally, though those times are admittedly rare. But I completely do believe her interests and passions and desires lie with me, but that she does not realize how what she does affects me, especially in an extreme situation like this. I do not think her able to detect my feelings. Of course, communication is vital, and I know that and do try to communicate my distresses with her, but at the same time, I have a sort of expectation for a spouse to have, supplementally, a sense that they can feel when their partner is sad or unhappy about something?

But yes, we do a lot of decision-making together. I designed the strict budget we are on and she is very supportive at trying to keep within that budget, and she does try to talk to me about decisions before making them. But I do definitely feel that there is a disconnect, emotionally, that she has shown herself not able to make. So that is the struggle I am dealing with right now, how to mend this problem.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Maybe she is just immature? maybe she is overwhelmed with you always gone for school and her taking care of the baby.. lonely maybe? I am not saying that excuses her actions at all. Just a thought.

If your marriage has just declined to resentment and disrespect ? Or Has the relationship never really been one of mutual respect and understanding ?

Both problems can be overcome, will take a lot of work, no quick fix sad to say.

Those are very likely candidates. I know she is lonely and I am struggling to give her the attention she needs while still being gone for school and getting good grades to get the job that I'll need to support us.

Our marriage has definitely had mutual understanding, respect, and genuine love for each other. She is a good person, and loves me. I just think there are a few things in her personality or way of looking at things that are just really ****ing things up for me.

[~Christina]

Sounds likely that you will be able to repair the marriage, That is good.

I would imagine if you have certain things about her personality or perspective that is really bothering you ... She mostly likely has some things about you that shes doesn't care for..

As I always say " there is 3 sides to every story.. His , hers and the truth "

I hope you and her can work on the relationship and remember the good times And bring back all the feelings that brought your love together initially, yes all relationships change as time goes by, but often people need to remember why they love someone..

Infuse love back into your relationship.. Someone needs to start

.. It all takes time , patience , respect and love.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by iamnobody11235813

Please help me; I am hurting and have been for a while and my wife does not consider my feelings important. She has not actually cheated on me, but my feelings are though as if she had. This all happened a couple months ago.

My wife recently gave birth and started selling her surplus breastmilk for some income. She began selling to a man, single, age in the high 20s; we are both in our low 20s. I felt very uneasy about this, and she did as well, but I gave my consent because she was desperate for some independence and I love my wife and don't want to see her miserable. They would meet in a public location and exchange breastmilk bags for money.

I started seeing a couple of the texts they had exchanged. Their conversations were overly friendly, too friendly for me to feel comfortable with, and definitely more than a business relationship. My wife knew I had seem some of her texts, and didn’t resist aggressively, but I could tell she was very annoyed that I was interested in the dialogue between them. They exchanged things about each of their personal lives to each other. My wife would stay up late at night in bed texting him while I lay next to her, asleep. I am a full-time student, leave in the morning when it’s dark, get back from school when it’s dark, get 4-5 hours (max) of sleep each night; so I am always tired. I felt very uncomfortable about all this friendly texting, but my wife is not very tolerant of my feelings when I don’t like something. It’s always the story of I am the one who is too controlling, fight breaks out; I just don’t have the energy for that all the time so we go to bed angry with each other. It wasn’t until later that I found out she was frequently staying up until 3 a.m. texting him! About very personal things, sometimes sexual things (see below), while her own husband - who is gone all day working hard and trying to excel in school - was sleeping right beside her!

The overly friendly texts continued. He started offering to buy her stuff. He even suggested to take her out shopping, just the two of them! This my wife did tell me, asking if it was okay with me (it was clearly totally okay with her, which disturbed me all the more), and I was incredibly disturbed at his offer, but managed to hold my composure. Remarkably, I managed to convince her to decline him taking her shopping. Still, she shared things with him about her day that she would normally share with me (which stopped or severely declined).

He even called her one time and they spoke on the phone while I was there. It was about her declining him taking her shopping. She started getting all emotional and crying because she was embarrassed to decline his offer, and because she wanted to accept it. Now how do you think I felt, my wife becoming emotionally involved with another man, on the phone while I was there, and having to take care of the baby! One time they got in an argument through texting, and she would hole herself up in our room and close the door, for hours, texting him, very emotionally involved in the texting, like each and every reply of his directly affected her mood and happiness level. And I am the bad guy, because my disagreement with the nature of their relationship causes that I am a controlling husband who doesn’t understand! How do you think I felt, how utterly emasculated I felt, having to stand there taking care of the baby and say “well honey, what are you guys arguing about?”. I shouldn’t have to say that!! I am her ****ing husband! And I was to stand by like a ****ing woman friend of hers, watching while they argued like a couple. This was yet another deep wound.

A couple weeks went by, and I happened to check her phone. I was horrified by what I saw.

There were tons of texts – TONS of them. Way too many for a business-only relationship. They were overly friendly/flirtatious with each other. He called her a sweet girl multiple times, and she said he was a sweet guy as well. There was TONS of this – him wishing he had such an amazing girl as her, her saying he’s such a sweet guy and couldn’t figure out why some lucky girl hasn’t snatched him up forever. (her words verbatim)

Then the texts got more personal. He started asking “do your breasts just… drip [when you pump]?”; this is incredibly graphic and deeply hurt and angered me. It clearly showed he had nothing but lustful thoughts for her. She’d reply “more like spray” and was totally okay with answering his questions even though they were way too personal. He even hinted at wanting to suck her milk directly from her breasts a few times. She of course said no but didn’t do anything to stop him from continuing to prod. He said she should jump in his truck and pump with him there. He said “it’s not like that, it’s not about watching you, I just want to see what you do”. To my complete horror the next text was “well alright.”. I couldn’t believe it! I think this is what hurt me the most, to see my wife so easily swayed by this stranger into doing something totally inappropriate and betraying to me!

She didn’t end up doing that, simply because they didn’t arrive at the meet up point at the same time, but she did pump in her car while he was maybe 20 feet away in his car. This was late at night, it was dark out, in a location she was unfamiliar with. Anyway, then of course he got to drink the warm fresh milk – he might as well have drunk it straight from her!

I told my wife how I felt, and she expressed regret, and told me she would stop selling to him, but never once said she was sorry. Now that I think back on it, I can’t remember why wife ever saying sorry for anything in our entire marriage for things that were genuinely her fault.

That was all a month or two ago. If I brought this up now wanting to clear my feelings, it’d only anger her saying I don’t let things go. We’ve had other talks since then about various things, like the raising of our child, talks in which it was clearly evident she did not value my opinion in the least and had her mind set.

But I really, really hurt inside. If I let all this just sit inside me I feel it will destroy me, and our marriage. Please help.

I'm very sorry this happened and I understand totally how this bothers you. Is she breastfeeding your baby and just happens to have extra?? I had both my girls prematurely which meant I had to pump and bring the milk to the hospital neo-natal unit. Even if a couple financially strapped, selling breast milk isn't going to make it much easier money wise. IMO, the only place extra milk should go is, to a mother who can't breastfeed or a reputable bank that accepts it. Selling it to a man who doesn't have a baby is bizarre.

If this man has a breast milk fetish where he wants to also visually see it happen - then he needs to get a partner, have a baby and ask his partner.....not go sniffing around another mans wife. Pumping for me was a private thing and I never thought about anyone wanting to watch. Its not rocket science anyways. This was bad judgement and she shouldn't be texting him at all. There's other productive ways to make spare money and there's also food banks...social services etc. If you end up having other big disaggreements then you both should get couples counseling. She needs to respect boundaries and I hope things get better for you both.

[iamnobody11235813]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I'm very sorry this happened and I understand totally how this bothers you. Is she breastfeeding your baby and just happens to have extra?? I had both my girls prematurely which meant I had to pump and bring the milk to the hospital neo-natal unit. Even if a couple financially strapped, selling breast milk isn't going to make it much easier money wise. IMO, the only place extra milk should go is, to a mother who can't breastfeed or a reputable bank that accepts it. Selling it to a man who doesn't have a baby is bizarre.

If this man has a breast milk fetish where he wants to also visually see it happen - then he needs to get a partner, have a baby and ask his partner.....not go sniffing around another mans wife. Pumping for me was a private thing and I never thought about anyone wanting to watch. Its not rocket science anyways. This was bad judgement and she shouldn't be texting him at all. There's other productive ways to make spare money and there's also food banks...social services etc. If you end up having other big disaggreements then you both should get couples counseling. She needs to respect boundaries and I hope things get better for you both.

Thank you for your kind reply.

To clarify, I did manage to get my wife to stop texting him the couple months ago when this was going on, after I saw all those texts.

I've thought about this a lot the past few days, and I've come to a conclusion.

My wife acted the way she did for a reason. I am going to work on being a better man for her (and for myself), as I believe that is the underlying factor on why she did what she did. I consider myself to be a good and a loving husband, but I've realized she's missed having a man in her life, which frankly I need to be more of for her.

Firstly, I'm going to work on myself, for my own happiness. Whatever happens with my marriage, happens. If she is not happy with the type of self-improvement I will be doing, then so be it (but I have a feeling that won't be the case).

Thank you everyone who responded for all your support.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by iamnobody11235813

Thank you for your kind reply.

To clarify, I did manage to get my wife to stop texting him the couple months ago when this was going on, after I saw all those texts.

I've thought about this a lot the past few days, and I've come to a conclusion.

My wife acted the way she did for a reason. I am going to work on being a better man for her (and for myself), as I believe that is the underlying factor on why she did what she did. I consider myself to be a good and a loving husband, but I've realized she's missed having a man in her life, which frankly I need to be more of for her.

Firstly, I'm going to work on myself, for my own happiness. Whatever happens with my marriage, happens. If she is not happy with the type of self-improvement I will be doing, then so be it (but I have a feeling that won't be the case).

Thank you everyone who responded for all your support.

I applaud you for being forgiving and looking inward to improve yourself for your marriage. Hopefully your wife will also try harder, so neither of you will look outside for attention. You sound like a wonderful person and she's lucky to have you. Best of luck to both of you and parenting your child together.